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Oral Sex

275 replies

AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:14

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 11/11/2019 19:03

@AngelsSins this is precisely it. I think how can a person care about me deeply if he totally prioritises himself over me continually and won't even let me masturbate with him, even though he always does. It's not even like I've ever done that with anyone before but now I'm with someone I thought I was relaxed enough with and suddenly no, that's not acceptable.

It makes me really bloody sad.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 11/11/2019 19:07

What a sad situation for the OP.

I think that if you want to carry on this relationship with him, and if you are happy with the non sex side of the relationship, then i'd shove an unlimatium his way that he seeks, activly seeks that is, medical attention about these issues and problems.

The more i read of this the more it makes me suspect that he has got some long seated hangups and problems with sex and womens bodies.

There could be many causes for that it may also be that he is suffering from some drug side effect and or effects that may not be his fault as such BUT it is up to him to see if it can be put right. Thats mainly the inability to ejaculate inside the vagina.

Eeven so i think that this issue goes even deeper than that, the overal "sex" thing seems not as it ough be with him. I beliven the OP said that he had this or similar problems with other partners?

A few other observations FWTW.

Over many years of sexual encounters with women and the odd one or two with men, I've had my fair share and more;) that said;

I've yet to meet a woman who did not like Oral sex.

Most woman don't pop from PIV sex alone though there is a slight variant of the missionray position that makes it a bit more possible.

Simply said, some women find it easier than others to orgasm anyway some have never had, some are very easy to make pop, some need extened forplay mouth fingers etc. AND they need to feel in the right mood and feel its what they want to do either excited or suitably relaxed whatever suites them best.

Some readers, inc our man in question, ought read up on IVF espically relating to this instance. Of course lesbian couples have mamaged fine with a "donation" and a 10 quid turkey baster! Thast in itself if there was an insumountale problem would be justified but if all other avenues of enquiry had been exhausted.

And i wouln't consider pornhub etc a decent source of sex techinique and edcuation most all porn vids are exageration's of what normally happens between lovers and or partners, they are shot from angles that are not that normal in order for the viewers to get a good "gawp" at the action.

They'd be far better off learning as i did with a few encounters whilst younger with more expeicned older women who shall we say "knew what they liked and wanted" and put my fumblings right and I thank them for that!.

Finally it may be mansplning but i think its a mans duty to sasify his woman:)

Mind you its a selfish thing as if shes happy then i'm happy too:)

Trustmeimamidwife · 11/11/2019 19:09

He doesn’t have to like going down on you and shouldn’t do it if he doesn’t want to.

If you tell him you don’t want to give him head, he should also respect that

If you’re happy to still give him blowjobs then that doesn’t mean he has to go down on you if he still doesn’t want to

StarlightLady · 11/11/2019 19:16

With all the comments here, can we please remember that the key female sex organ is the clitoris, not the vulva, and this (the clitoris) is often best stimulated by the tongue.

Justaboy · 11/11/2019 19:53

With all the comments here, can we please remember that the key female sex organ is the clitoris, not the vulva, and this (the clitoris) is often best stimulated by the tongue

Wrong;( the key female sex organ is her brain:)

Bluerussian · 11/11/2019 20:54

Yes, Justaboy, it all starts there.

AloneLonelyLoner · 12/11/2019 07:54

@Justaboy thank you for your educated, male perspective. It is worth a lot. I think you are right that I need to actually speak properly with him.

I'm guessing I have a right to know and understand? The thing is I also hesitate to ask people personal questions as I always feel like I'm intruding. I suppose it does involve me.

You are so right @StarlightLady . The clitoris and brain are by far the main players. I don't understand why people don't get this. Maybe we should learn in school.

I'm so grateful for people sharing their thoughts and opinions on this with me and advising me because I've been lost really. Apart from this I feel like everything is fine, but this is big if we are to carry on together and I feel like my mojo has utterly deserted me.

OP posts:
Namechangedyorkshire · 12/11/2019 08:11

@AloneLonelyLoner ...apart from this it is all fine.

It doesn't really sound like it. I would agree with others that he has death grip and his brain is now programmed to having an orgasm that way. He has to stop for a while.

Re the oral sex thing. I'm sure there are some men who don't like it, but based on the focus group of pissed female friends on a night out getting noisy, I've not known any. What I do know is that there are some men who don't like giving oral if you are hairy below. The answer to that is trim very short or better for most men Is go bare. Have you actually had a conversation with him as to what he actually doesn't like about it, as opposed to just knowing he doesn't like.

It feels sad seeing posts from women suffering from a less than good sex life

AloneLonelyLoner · 12/11/2019 08:55

@Namechangedyorkshire it's interesting that you mention that actually and I did think this was part of it so am now bare down there and have been for a while, or when not bare I am fastidiously trimmed. No difference. 🙄

OP posts:
Mammabear111 · 12/11/2019 10:29

Why don't you suggest doing a 69er lol that way he gets he's blow Job and you get him to go down lol and it mite turn him on more

Margots74 · 12/11/2019 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LuckyLola · 12/11/2019 11:24

Brenda that sounds like one of my ex bfs! Ha!
This guy would touch inside with his tongue and then screw his face up like he was completely repulsed. He didn't listen when trying to tell him where my clit was. He made me feel like I was dirty and abnormal. He would still make me give him oral even if I didn't want to. He would actually make me go and brush my teeth before he would kiss me after a blow job. He was disgusted at the thought of kissing the mouth that had just had his penis in. He wouldn't cum inside me even with a condom on. He was super paranoid about pregnancy. I had the implant at the time too. He used to insist on finishing himself off. A FWB later on in life made me feel a lot better about my body! He loved being down there!

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/11/2019 11:48

@AloneLonelyLoner

I asked you earlier will he use toys as there are some that replicate oral..

Also please tell me you're not going to marry this idiot and put your body through IVF because he doesn't want to come in you?

Jaxinthebox · 12/11/2019 11:57

OP, I think you have to realise it is him, not you. No matter what you say or do or suggest, he wont change and I find that very sad.

My last partner absolutely loved giving me oral and he got so much pleasure from my pleasure - and vice versa. It made me feel great - just knowing that he enjoyed doing it.

I know that I wouldnt stay with someone who was so selfish in the bedroom, because the probability is that he is also selfish in other areas of the relationship. Id be asking myself some harsh questions.

WhenPushComesToShove · 12/11/2019 12:47

All I'll say is you NEVER going to have children with this man!

Namechangedyorkshire · 12/11/2019 12:48

Namechangedyorkshire it's interesting that you mention that actually and I did think this was part of it so am now bare down there and have been for a while, or when not bare I am fastidiously trimmed. No difference. 🙄

Not sure what to suggest then lol. I thought most men adore women bare below...I know my DH does. He never gets bored and loves complimenting me when he sees me naked. He loves doing oral when I've just been waxed and takes his time...feels like being in paradise

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2019 12:52

Sure you do Margots Hmm

HiJenny35 · 12/11/2019 12:58

I actually think it's pretty disgusting some of the responses here. If this was a man saying she doesn't like doing it but I want her to the responses would be totally different. Obviously he shouldn't be encouraged to do it if he doesn't like it, and why would you stop giving him just because he doesn't like it, how petty. I hate him going down, never been my thing, so I've asked him not to, he likes receiving so I do. I hate giving a massage but love getting one, people like different things, I'd say the relationship is in trouble if you want to withhold things the other like because they feel uncomfortable.

HiJenny35 · 12/11/2019 13:01

Also as for being completely bare have you actually asked him? My oh hates it bare, he said it makes it look like a child.

HopeMumsnet · 12/11/2019 13:39

Hi there,
Now that this thread has some decent traction we're moving it to the correct board, hope that's okay!

Justaboy · 12/11/2019 14:20

Umm.. which board might that be and where is it?

Or if its in threads i'm watching does it follow automaticaly

Please:!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2019 15:47

Justaboy
Does it automatically. Sex topic.

Glad to see Mnhq deleted Margots posts.

HiJenny
If it were a man saying his partner wouldn’t help finish him off as he couldn’t climax during sex due to medical issues and also refused to “let” him do it, the responses would be the same. Even down to the chorus of find a partner, who will. Any man, who said he couldn’t ejaculate during sex due to death grip, would get his arse handed to him and rightly told he shouldn’t be expecting further assistance.

AloneLonelyLoner · 12/11/2019 16:19

Thanks @HopeMumsnet

@Closetbeanmuncher after all this, you are spot on. I don't think I can. Something dramatic would have to happen. My future may have been saved! 🙌

This has been really great for my self-esteem. Much better than my lousy sex life at least!

@LuckyLola I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm so glad to know it isn't just me. Thanks!

OP posts:
j712adrian · 21/02/2020 23:17

Ah, I found an old turkey baster. Couldn't look at it straight in the eye.

StarlightLady · 22/02/2020 18:33

OP - it has been a while since you have posted. I think it is fair to say you have been deprived of quality oral and “me time”.

Please let us know how you are getting on. Flowers

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