Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

I would go further by saying he is damaged, very damaged, from too much exposure to porn.

Damaged goods do not make good fathers. They don't make good husbands either. Get rid before you end up being tethered to him indefinitely with a shared child.

The replies on here have opened my eyes.

I honestly never thought I'd be that woman accepting this.

I'm very grateful for the wake up call. I obviously have some difficult conversations to have.

@AngelsSins and @WhineUp , thank you. This is hard to hear but you are incredibly supportive thank you.

@Sandals19 I shall mention Chad White to him and see if he'll watch or change anything. If it's purely a case of not knowing what he's doing. But what better way to get better than practise. Odd to just not. I guess we all start somewhere which makes me wonder if it runs deeper than this.

@curiouslypacific god that does sound awful. I'm embarrassed.

I don't remember him saying it's my fault for being such a series shagger who didn't take take of my own sexual health though @Reallybadidea. All sexually active people will probably be in contact with HPV, it's really easy to catch it.

I don’t think you can force him to lick you out.

I know this comment was probably made by a teenager, but does anyone actually come this way?! I had an ex who thought oral sex for women was entirely about jabbing his tongue into me like a penis substitute and it was so boring, particularly as he told me I was "wrong" to think attention to the clit was more satisfying. He refused to accept I might know what got me off...

Oh well, he's disappointing some other poor woman now!

@BrendasUmbrella good god that's awful. I'm trying not to laugh about how awful that sex sounds. I'm sorry. It's amazing how a lot of men think they know your body better than you do.

Brenda I laughed out loud when I read your post. I have had that joy too!

Trust me OP, there's A LOT of men out there who'd be absolutely DELIGHTED to pleasure you frequently with unrestrained fervour. ;) Don't waste your time on the pornsick loser.

Brenda oh god, and then when they "finger" you! Jesus, I'm surprised some of us weren't put off sex for life after that experience. Who tells them these things?!!

If a woman posted that she can't have penetrative sex would people immediately jump to "well, you are obviously selfish, will make a shit parent though that won't even be possible will it, and you must be a closet lesbian"? I really don't think they would. I think they would be much more sympathetic

Let's try this.
''I can not have penetrative sex, I'm only able to orgasm if I masturbate whilst my partner performs oral sex on me. But I really don't like going down on my partner, which I told him yesterday evening. I claimed that I wouldn't be bothered to never orgasm again with my partner but it was obvious that this is a lie (I do therefore have an expectation of receiving oral stimulation).
I do also expect my partner to orgasm. Even though I won't give him oral stimulation and can't have vaginal sex.
And no, he can't just lie next to me and bring himself to orgasm, because that would make me feel bad about myself.
And btw, I think it's fine to suggest that my dp should undergo a fairly invasive, not risk free and expensive medical procedure without even checking whether this procedure would be necessary in our situation.'

Yes. People would be much more sympathetic.

I shall mention Chad White to him and see if he'll watch or change anything. If it's purely a case of not knowing what he's doing. But what better way to get better than practise. Odd to just not.

I'd aimed that at the poster who said their dp said they "don't know what I'm doing" .. because that indicates they might be willing to persevered/practice.

Has your do actually said anything like that?

I got the (perhaps wrong) impression that he doesn't want to/doesn't enjoy it etc. - which is yet another issue with him.

Aaron Wilcox is probably a bit better than Chad white btw .

Actually I just checked what you might find if you tried to Google or search pH for Aaron Wilcox and many of the vids do not show good oral sex at all - if must depebd on the director, intended audience etc. The one I was thinking if was him performing with an actress named Faye Reagan, j wouldn't bother with others.

Chad white is usually pretty good, may just have to search for oral sex on women (I'm sure you can imagine the terms used!) to avoid those without it. There's a decent one with him and Nicole Aniston.

*it must depend

@Sandals19 I was just hoping there may be another angle to it. Wishful thinking ?

Cravingcheese . I enjoyed your reverse.

CravingCheese

My point was that if a woman were to display such an array of issues around sex I think most responses would be sympathetic and centred more about the reason why - a physical problem, a psychological problem or possible abuse. I doubt posters would immediately jump to she's selfish and porn addicted.

Unfortunately a lot of men ARE simply selfish and porn addicted. If most men watch porn, which usually depicts really crappy sex, how are they supposed to know what good sex even is?

Maybe some men are indeed selfish but this particular man's issues sound quite extreme.

And that's why the OP needs to leave and find a man keen to give lots and lots of excellent oral.

And that's why the OP needs to leave and find a man keen to give lots and lots of excellent oral.

Well if that's the be all and end all to her then yes, sure. Hopefully nothing happens to her though that sees her desire for lots and lots of excellent oral want or she might find that the man who loves giving lots and lots of excellent oral changes his mind about their relationship.

what's the alternative then?

No idea. They need to talk about it I suppose. See if he knows why he feels as he does and if there's anything that he can do to change it. Meanwhile op needs to decide what she wants from life, which may or may not feature this man.

I think there's always a danger though in making sex, even more so specific acts, the main priority in a relationship. Sexual desire may well wax and wane over a relationship and what's left then?

They're two years in, he's an absolutely shit lover, OP gets no orgasms. That's SHIT. And yea, sex is kinda important in a relationship. Otherwise you might as well just be friends. OP's sexual satisfaction does matter an awful bloody lot.

I think there's always a danger though in making sex, even more so specific acts, the main priority in a relationship. Sexual desire may well wax and wane over a relationship and what's left then?

I think you’re missing the point, it’s the lack of interest in her pleasure that’s the dealbreaker, the selfishness of acting so offended at the idea of her pleasuring herself, that’s awful. It’s not down to a lack of one specific sex act.