Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Thanks for your replies.

I am tempted to just not finish him off anymore. When I said to him 'what if you never come again with me, ever, because I won't give you a blowjob?' he said he wasn't bothered! But he will be and I feel like an ass for even saying it because it's unfair. Maybe he can just masturbate after each time...

It does seem a bit selfish to expect oral given to him EVERY time yet only perform it once a year himself.

An ex of mine was like this. He found it "too messy" He also didn't like having a bath as he found that " too messy" also. So stuck to showers.
He was more than happy for me to do it to him.
Sex in general with him was very clinical and not great.

My current partner loves it so

I wouldn't like the not being able to come without wanking
Does he watch a lot of porn?

@Inebriati maybe you're right.

But I have asked him for anal sex too and he has said no.

Funnily enough my ex used to have to finish himself off cause he said it was too sensitive and hurt. He was a virgin before me and circumcised so he was probably telling the truth but it was SO WEIRD.

I went through a similar thing a few years ago op. It was such a turn off to me knowing that I wanted to give him pleasure but that he did not want to reciprocate. If there'd been some kind of traumautic incident in his past I'd have been understanding about it, but just "I don't really like doing it" left me feeling unhappy and unwanted. And of course I wouldn't want to force him or pressure him in anyway, but it left me "not really liking" giving BJ's so I stopped. Now years on from that we have no sex life at all. That's not the only reason why, but it was the start of the decline for us in my eyes.

@Carrotcakeforbreakfast he claims not to do it often like every couple of weeks, but I think he must do, a lot more than that anyway...

How long have you been together?

@HarrietTheFly I'm worried that this is the same for me now. It makes me sad, but this has made me feel shitty.

Is this a reverse??

If not I think he’s being unfair too. I don’t know how much you genuinely enjoy giving him blow jobs but if you were to say you didn’t like it and stopped giving them, leaving him to figure out his own orgasms from now on, I’m pretty sure he’d have something to say about that.

Are you able to climax regularly from PIV? If so lucky you!! I can’t

I wouldn't be with someone who didn't reciprocate.

You sound sexually incompatible.

So he never cums through penetrative sex ? Does he wait for you to cum , pulls out and then climaxes in your mouth?

God fuck that , you never get to enjoy the warm and sleepy feeling, you just get a cock shoved down your throat straightaway

My best friends husband could never climax unless sorting himself out. Transpired he was addicted to porn and he couldn't do it without.

@JollyRocker sadly not a reverse.

I can but it is a lot of work. And it's not much fun after 5 hours. I'd rather not in a way.

Masturbation is sure fire but he said he would feel lousy if I masturbate next to him.

If this was a women posting about something her partner wanted her to do sexually that she didn't like, everyone would say don't do anything you aren't comfortable with

It doesn't work to say I give him a blowjob so he has to give me oral. If you like giving a blowjob go ahead - if you don't then don't do it. Same for him

I don't think anyone should be pressured to do do anything they aren't happy with - end of

Is it possible to not watch porn for a few months and get a normal sex life back?

If you read the post @DingDongDenny you'll know I absolutely don't want him feeling coerced into oral sex.

Op, it doesn't sound like this is something you can overcome. He requires a blow job from you and that's it.

That’s not on, maybe it’s more he can’t be arsed because it can take effort?? I’m gay so have experience oral with a lot of women and it’s not ‘dirty’ in any way, shape or form whether someone has freshly showered or not! The men I’ve talked to about it who were reluctant have fallen into 2 categories - it takes too much time/ effort or they’re a bit self conscious about not doing it ‘right’ and they’ve covered up these reasons with a ‘ yuck’ kinda of reason...

"Is it possible to not watch porn for a few months and get a normal sex life back?"

Yes, it is. It is one of the first strategies suggested in sexual therapy. You have a break from porn, then move on to the next step.

I think for a relationship to properly work you need to be sexually compatible. I hate having oral sex performed on me and I've ended relationships because of that.

I personally wouldn't be happy with what you are accepting.

Similar thing here... since being bottom end for both our DDs being born "D"H doesn't want to give me oral sex either... ever. To be fair he never asks me for it either , although I sometimes do anyway. I miss it so damn much it was one of my favourite things in bed, he knows this but I don't insist because then I won't be able to relax and enjoy either knowing he's doing something he doesn't want to... grrrr, at least we have sex most days.

I absolutely agree he shouldn't feel coerced into this, and that is not what you're expecting. But neither are you unreasonable to be unhappy with the idea of never receiving it again. I have an ex who also disliked it, and I didn't ask him once I knew. The sex with him wasn't great overall tbh, and that's a big part of why we weren't compatible. This is conjunction with him being unable to climax during sex and expecting you to give him oral tondo so, would put me off. I imagine it would take a hell of a lot of work to get past that sort of ingrained "this is how I have sex" behaviour. He'd have to really want to make things better for you too.

Thank you all so much. I don't feel now like AIBU for being upset about this.
@Ponoka7 I will speak to him about this and suggest no porn for as long as it takes, but I can't and won't police this so I imagine there will be no change.

I guess I am not unreasonable though to not give him blow jobs anymore based on the fact that I feel a bit used, even though maybe I shouldn't.
He is a good man. I don't think he has meant to upset me. I'm just upset regardless.

Personally it sounds to me like he's just watched the same porn over and over and doesn't know how to deviate from the same played out routine...yawn

If he doesn't know what he's doing them why tf doesn't he get to know. Sorry but this man sounds boring, rigid and selfish in bed.

If he doesn't know he should get to know or no more sloppy-toppy for the selfish prick.

Personally I could never be with someone like that, not a chance.