Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Op you are right to be concerned. I think he finds something repulsive or uncomfortable about the female body. I am another one who wouldnt be with someone who never went down. Its my main way of orgasming with someone else. Someone who thought going down was gross, would probably have a lot of other sexual hang ups, because its quite a basic part of sex

@Branleuse that's exactly it! It's fine not to like oral sex but to make me feel gross about it (is Ben when I've never demanded it or anything selfish) is just plain irritating. That coupled with being annoyed at me that I don't come makes me feel like a disappointing show pony or something.

Maybe have a chat with him? make sure he's paying full attention because I bet he tries to brush it off & change the subject.

Maybe he's just not sexually confident? Sexual compatibility is so important, if it's not there it'll never work.

It's all well and good offering advice on how OP's DH can overcome his issues, but based on the OP's posts he isn't doing much in return. That's selfish, and tbh I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

Because I'd bet that if OP looked properly, this DH is selfish in other ways, it doesn't tend to be isolated to one aspect of a relationship.

OP doesn't have DC, so if it were me, I'd be leaving to find someone more compatible.

We are in our thirties/forties and actually yesterday had the talk about kids because it can't happen and he said yes it would have to be ivf

Huh? 🚨

At this point I'm saying run for the hills, this guy is a bonkers control freak and I would bet this extends into other areas also.

Don't waste another second op, end it.

As a woman, who has had ivf because dh I didn’t conceive naturally, and knowing what it can do to your body, I would like to say loud and clear: If that’s all he thinks of you, ltb. I’m fuming. It doesn’t ruin everyone’s body. But it did mine.

@Branleuse - Exactly . Or to be even more precise “basic art of sex”.

Its not about forcing him.to lick her out fgs @Margots74 its about one person being weird about basic sexual practices and whether thats what you want from your future sex life.

If someone said "my partner hates oral sex, aibu to force him to do it" that would clearly be wrong.
If someone says, my partner never performs oral sex which is something I love, and yet insists I perform it on him every time, and refuses to ever come in me and doesnt enjoy any of the things that get me off. AIBU to have had enough of this" then the answer is quite different.
Theres no kids, its a relatively short relationship. Cut your losses and find someone thats more interesting in bed

Op this is really strange why the hell would anyone want to put their body through ivf (and I mean this in the most sensitive way) if they didn't need to????? What about the emotional toil on yourself and the financial stress.

I would be running for the hills and some op.

You are never going to be fulfilled with this man sexually.
He would rather you endured IVF (that could be very damaging for you) rather than fully address his porn addiction
He is selfish in bed and does not care about your pleasure and enjoyment. If he is selfish in bed he is likely to be the same in every area of his life.

It is two years, run for the bloody hills and find a man who loves your body, and enjoys you in the way you deserve, that respects and loves you. You can have children, a happy sex life and be comfortable in yourself (and not made to feel a leper because he is porn freak)

Leave him whilst you are still young enough to make this a distance memory. Find your confidence again. Good luck!

The incompatibility is clear to me - you seems willing to do what he likes to give him pleasure. He sounds like he doesn't care much for yours and isn't willing to explore what does it for you.

I think you really need to have an honest conversation with him OP.

Lucked

Distant

BillHaders bloody hell, counselling?! Are you mad?

I'm pretty sure more women can't orgasm through PIV than can, just consider yourself lucky!

Slight derail but does anyone else's phone refuse to auto find the word orgasm? It's as if my phones embarrassed

She comes every time except for once, she's asked for head twice and he's done it

She doesn't seem to think she's getting that raw a deal in every other aspect of their sex life

LTB. Not because he doesn’t want to do something that you want him to do, that’s not the reason. The reason is, that he’s a hypocrite and lazy. He is the only person in your relationship getting his sexual needs met, and won’t even ‘let’ you masturbate! He’s a selfish cunt.

Cut your losses and move on.

easy and you don't think it is weird he has never been able to climax during sex? That he is damaged to the point of encouraging her to have IVF if they want to have children? You think that is okay?

Agree I still know how to sort myself out but PIV doesn't get me there. I still enjoy it and occasionally (v occasionally) if we pop straight to if after he's gone down on me the right friction means it can happen. Which makes him feel like Rupert Campbell Black or something!

I think for me what makes the OPs partner selfish is the lack of wanting to do things because it feels nice and helps you connect physically. An orgasm doesn't have to happen every time.

The IVF thing i know nothing about, but that would be a decision for the OP but people are going in like she never gets off, which is the exact opposite of what she's said

It’s odd that a man can be at peace with being unable to cum inside a woman and have the possibility of producing children.

“Hmmm, I can only come with BJ and wanking but no worries, if we want kids it’ll just need to be IVF” is utterly batshit.

OP, I am gobsmacked that he is suggesting ivf rather than sorting this issue out. It's so hard for women. Please, please think long and hard before going down that route...

@easyandy101
Ffs the not getting off as you so eloquently put it is the least of her worries. Ivf is a bloody big deal. I do wonder if you’re a man, in which case, that’s just fucking a cup. I won’t bother to explain the realities for the woman. They’re incredibly difficult.

easy well then educate yourself on IVF, it is very invasive and painful and expensive, and given that op is only in that position because of a porn addiction I rather feel the onus is on him to get himself sorted out.
Whether she does or doesn't climax occasionally is beside the point. The problems they have are clearly much deeper than that.

The thread is literally about her not getting head 🤷‍♂️

You are just being goady now easy