Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

It's been sad reading on MN this week regarding sex.

Men who are unwilling to explore what gives their partner pleasure and many who also expect to be able to risk physical harm (a different thread) to their partner for their own orgasm. Now men who would rather their partner go through invasive, painful and often unsuccessful fertility treatment because over wanking to porn means they can no longer come from PIV.

@easyandy101
No it isn’t. It’s evolved into something very different. Do keep up dear.

@easyandy101 so what? Not getting head is a normal dealbreaker for many people.

Oh and easy OP has said she doesn't come easily through PIV but does through oral. Which he won't do. So no, she isn't "getting off" anywhere near as often as she'd like.

OP, this just sounds deeply sad in a number of ways.

I can’t even begin to imagine the effects of going through IVF and/or parenting alongside someone who judges your emotional well-being to be of so little importance. And actually, your physical well-being too (in the sense of having suggested IVF in the first place, neatly offloading the burden of his issues onto your body).

I really hope you decide to move on from this man.

I couldn't be with a man that made me feel unclean. It would made me feel as if he was just using me whilst giving him oral and I don't think I could relax if he had any kind of contact with my vagina...

And then there's the issue of not being able to come in you... That's major. And would imo be a deal breaker, I believe. Unless I really saw that my DH actively worked on it and tried. Ivf has real health risks, seems to have a major impact on the quality of life of the mother during the process and costs a lot. Saying that it just has to be Ivf is just... Wow.

Trying to fix my previous comment:
If I was to give him oral: I'd probably feel as if he was just using me.
And I don't think I could relax whilst he had any kind of contact with my vagina...

OP, he sounds absolutely batshit, controlling and selfish. And I would put large sums of money on him being selfish and controlling in other aspects of your life too. I would honestly run for the hills.

That he is damaged to the point of encouraging her to have IVF if they want to have children? You think that is okay?

Why do they need to have IVF? Unless there are other fertility issues they won't need IVF will they? How do lesbians or women who use sperm donors conceive? It isn't through IVF.

^^ good for you. Tick VG. 🙄

That he is damaged to the point of encouraging her to have IVF if they want to have children? You think that is okay?
Why do they need to have IVF? Unless there are other fertility issues they won't need IVF will they? How do lesbians or women who use sperm donors conceive? It isn't through IVF

That is precisely what he has recommended her to do! He can't climax inside her, have you even read the thread??

That is precisely what he has recommended her to do! He can't climax inside her, have you even read the thread?? confused

Yes thank. I've read the thread. And I read that he said they would need IVF. I've also read all of the comments saying how damaging IVF is etc

Doesn't change the fact that they don't need to have IVF (unless there are other fertility issues).

Educate yourself on methods for self insemination. It isn't the same as IVF.

Women conceive without having PIV sex. They don't have IVF.

Not saying it's the ideal way of doing things but the fact remains a cup and a syringe are not the same as IVF.

Being able to cum in a woman is fundamental to a heterosexual male. If the can't do that then his sexuality is in question.

Turkey baster?

Hear I think the point some posters are trying to make is his solution of IVF (and I'm guessing he also knows little about it!) sounds indicative of a selfish attitude all round. OP hasn't suggested IVF, he has in his ignorance.

Rather than try and address his reluctance to make sex and intimacy better for them both he just sticks to what makes him feel good. So trying for a baby? Sort yourself out love. No need for us to connect!

A turkey baster will forever make me think of Sunset Beach

Being able to cum in a woman is fundamental to a heterosexual male. If the can't do that then his sexuality is in question.

I think that's wrong tbh. Medication, nerve damage due to illness or injury, psychological issues maybe due to fear of pregnancy or past abuse - lots of things that can affect the ability to ejaculate via piv. It doesn't mean he is gay.

We are in our thirties/forties and actually yesterday had the talk about kids because it can't happen and he said yes it would have to be ivf.

He neds educated. Why would you need IVF?? A turkey baster wouold work.

He says he is happy to never come in me and thinks I'm being ridiculous and irritating to question him about it. But....and this is irritating, if I don't come then he takes it as a slight.

Double standards, defensive, prickly, doesn't want to talk...

And you're only a few years in. Is the relationship really worth it? Are you happy with this kind of sex forever?? And a low prospect of dc? He's not gonna change.

My wife of 33 years has never given me a BJ but loved me going down on her, well that was untill sex stopped all together, now in a sexless marriage

These responses have made me think a lot about a lot of things in all of this that I hadn't even really considered.

Originally I was just upset that I am supposed to accept that he can't come in me and won't make efforts to change this but I've also come to realise that this in itself could be an issue. He says other women were irritated by it and he doesn't like it that I am so I kind of brushed it under the carpet but all this shitty behaviour in response to me not coming is a real eye-opener!

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz

I don't disagree with you. I was just trying to point out that the posters arguing that he's doubly selfish for expecting her to go through IVF are barking up the wrong tree.

Educate yourself on methods for self insemination. It isn't the same as IVF.

Absolutely true. But he is suggesting ivf.
Which means (at least imo) that he didn't even feel the need to do any research and feels perfectly comfortable suggesting it to the OP (despite the health risks, overall impact, cost etc). When the op (as a woman) would be the one to take the brunt of pregnancy and early parenthood anyway...

Combine that with the fact that he expects her to orgasm, isn't actually willing to necessarily do what it sometimes takes to get her there (oral sex) but also has some sort of expectation of receiving oral because that's the only way he can get there?

It sounds super toxic.
as if he's putting the whole responsibility of her own orgasm, his orgasm and their future children on the OP without being willing to take any responsibility himself....

CravingCheese
Great summary. 👏👏

@CravingCheese

Thanks this sums up why I'm feeling so pissed off about it all.

I don't feel quite so unreasonable now.