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Original poster

Oral Sex

275 replies

AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:14

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

OP posts:
AllTheGlitter · 10/11/2019 20:17

Did he say why he doesn’t like doing it?

StreetwiseHercules · 10/11/2019 20:17

Man here. I will never understand any man who does not like to go down on a woman. It doesn’t make any sense.

I think if you aren’t willing to do these things you are being pretty unfair to your partner.

Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:18

No he didn't. He did mention once months ago that he feels like he doesn't know what he's doing, but actually he's a bit of a clean freak and I worry it feels 'dirty' to him in some way which is awful.

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 10/11/2019 20:19

I think you each have things you like/ don't like. You should base your actions on what YOU feel comfy with, rather than on what you will get in reciprocation.

However, I'm sure he makes himself orgasm all by himself, no oral needed, so I reckon that bit is bs , and a bit manipulative

AllTheGlitter · 10/11/2019 20:21

If it feels ‘dirty’ then suggest he does it when you’re straight out the shower. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t reciprocate!

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2019 20:21

I think you need to talk to him as clearly his attitude has put you off as well and continuing after this is I think could make you feel uncomfortable

AllTheGlitter · 10/11/2019 20:21

Oh just seen that’s what you think not what he said. I think you’re right and it’s just the thought of it. Suggest the shower and see what he says.

SmileEachDay · 10/11/2019 20:22

Man here. I will never understand any man who does not like to go down on a woman. It doesn’t make any sense

Because maybe different people like different things?

Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:22

@StreetwiseHercules thank you for that. It does feel unfair, but I also don't want to be lousy and for him to not ever come with me.

I'm just being tit for tat about it and an asshole.

@AllTheGlitter maybe it is manipulative. Confused

OP posts:
NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet · 10/11/2019 20:23

You shouldn't take what you're not willing to give, it's as simple as that. He doesn't want to give you oral sex, fair enough. But he shouldn't expect it from you either. It's not your job to make sure he orgasms, and I'm pretty sure he manages to when he's alone and having a wank.

Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:23

I have always just showered or finished PIV and if he is funny about me being dirty after having just stuck his penis in me isn't that him being an ass in a way?

OP posts:
Herewego93 · 10/11/2019 20:23

Same situation here in my 20s realising I'm never going to get that again or maybe like once a year. I get it all waxed off thinking that would be more sexy and appealing which he likes but still not interested and if he does it doesn't feel great because he's like fine sort out attitude and it's not a turn on if they feel they have to.

Sadiesnakes · 10/11/2019 20:24

He sounds like he has a death grip prob from wanking to too much porn.

Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:25

Exactly @Herewego93 !

This is awful so now it will never happen again. Ever.Blush

OP posts:
AllTheGlitter · 10/11/2019 20:25

Hmm yeah he sounds selfish. I personally can’t finish without it so I’d be out the door.

Iflyaway · 10/11/2019 20:25

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job.

That would have me gone right there.

Fuck that.

BellatrixLestat · 10/11/2019 20:26

I don't like giving oral sex but the only time I climax is when I receive it. So I do it to reciprocate. It's not that I hate it but fair is fair.

Do you enjoy giving blowjobs?

Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:27

I've got a feeling that this will be it for me, because orgasm is such a mental thing too and now I feel totally deflated . I'm not sure how to come back from it (no pun intended)

OP posts:
Original poster
AloneLonelyLoner · 10/11/2019 20:28

@BellatrixLestat I do. I mean it is nice, but now I know he actively dislikes giving it to me, I feel pissed off. I know AIBU as everyone is different, but somehow it'll make me feel used.

OP posts:
littlehappyhippo · 10/11/2019 20:30

@AloneLonelyLoner

Never had a man refuse me oral sex (- sorry that doesn't help!)

If he did, I would imagine that I would also say no to him. Charming how HE wants it from you, but won't give it back!

As I say it's never happened, so not sure what I'd do. I probably would say 'you're not getting it from me then.'

Doesn't seem like a good relationship then though.

@AloneLonelyLoner

Even if you don't mind giving HIM oral, I would start refusing........

Herewego93 · 10/11/2019 20:30

Maybe it's a confidence thing because my partner said similar things and I also think it might be a lazy thing because he likes quick sex no foreplay as such. Where as oral sex can take me way longer to cum then if I gave him oral so maybe he does not see it as being so equal.

Also think I've made it like an issue as well because every now and then I'm like be nice if I had some so it's become the sexual elephant in the room and then there's even more pressure to cum if it happens and more insecurity and less enjoyment for him if it doesn't happen.

Gizmo79 · 10/11/2019 20:31

I have a DH who hates blowjobs but loves going down. Sounds great but it’s bloody awful. Makes me feel like I’m incompetent or something, and I don’t get off with oral- my own issues, feels too intimate, stupid when I’m having sex with the poor bloke. Anyway, we all have our own problems, I don’t think he is that wrong, as long as he does other things to help you finish.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/11/2019 20:31

It does sound like you are doing something out of obligation at least some of the time OP. I still wouldn't expect him to do something he doesn't like but he can't expect you to do the same thing every time. What if you don't want to that time?

Iflyaway · 10/11/2019 20:32

Why actually are you with him if he can't satisfy you like you do him?

Do NOT do that! He's a selfish asshole and you need to figure out why you put up with it.

YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO PLEASURE AND A GREAT LIFE AS HE DOES!

Inebriati · 10/11/2019 20:33

He doesn't like going down on you, but he doesn't seem to like vaginal sex either. I think there could be a problem there.

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