Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Pleas excuse my ignorance but what is “death grip”? 🤔

We have a mutual deal that none of us like giving oral sex so we don't do it

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing. However you said he doesn't come in you, still it wouldn't be all fresh.

Streetwise, we can't all like the same things.

I can't say I have always been that keen to have oral sex performed on me, there have been times when it's been good but I could do without it. Quite happy to give it, found that fairly exciting.

I'm more concerned that the op's partner cannot ejaculate inside her - I don't know how old they are, not read the full thread so maybe she says. I was thinking, if they are still reasonably young and want children, that might pose a problem.

Doesn't sound as though they are sexually compatible in many respects.

AloneLonelyLoner Sun 10-Nov-19 20:36:37
... I have asked him for anal sex too and he has said no
........
Be thankful for small mercies!

How long have you been together? You certainly don't sound compatible.

The only person I heard of that struggled to cum from PIV smoked weed daily (I googled it, it has an effect) and was into porn

Death Grip

The death-grip or death-grip syndrome are slang terms for an aggressive and recurrent masturbation technique. According to some, it ultimately results in an inability to achieve orgasm with a partner due to desensitization from overstimulation. Wikipedia

This sounds like my ex. He also didn't like bringing me to orgasm in any other way. He was completely selfish in every area of our relationship. Thank fuck I'm out of it.

SausageSimon, its not that uncommon and not necessarily to do with weed. Some people are just like that as they get older but they don't struggle to come, they enjoy giving pleasure and can go on a long time. They may come sometimes but its not a big deal to them. All the other things are more important, the journey better than reaching an ending.

I do not see how the op's partner is selfish for not particularly liking something - we wouldn't expect to have to do things we didn't like, would we? I certainly wouldn't.

All I can say is find things that you both like or find other partners with whom you are more compatible but, remember, these things don't last forever.

PS; Try tantric - that can be quite amazing, endless pleasure and neither of you will care about orgasm.

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing

You sound awfully sure about this, but it’s not like it’s some kind of universal truth. We do it this way round regularly (and I love it but I’ve never been the one suggesting it; it’s always been DP). It can’t just be us.

People/couples/preferences are all different. I agree though that OP and her partner don’t sound sexually compatible.

Hope you’re ok OP

OP, I suggest it's time for some plain talking.

If he can't orgasm by PIV, expects a blow job, and doesn't go down on you, it doesn't sound like he's being considerate of your needs. Does he masturbate you at all, or anything to give you any pleasure?

Does he actually do things to make you come, other than this once a year oral?

I like giving blow jobs but I hate receiving oral, I think because I find it embarrassing. I don't know why it embarrasses me but it does. I'm not old or set in my ways, I just find I can't relax when a man is licking me, whereas I really love giving him oral.

I don't say no though because well I figure if he likes it, I will oblige (I don't feel forced) because sex is about making each other feel good. It's a tricky one with you OP, you like something he doesn't, I don't know what to advise but I do think perhaps he is being a little selfish and maybe it is something you need to have more of an open conversation about.

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing. However you said he doesn't come in you, still it wouldn't be all fresh.

Eh? Someone forgot to tell my DH this is a no-no! This doesn’t happen often as 99% of the time I finish first or us together.

It sounds like you both have quite a black and white view of sex. Without sounding hippy dippy loopy it might do you good to have a large glass of wine, release your inhibitions a bit and try some new things together, new sensations. Explore sensuality and sexuality in foreplay without even worrying about the 'happy ending'. (My best friend is a sex therapist, I'm not just a horny lunatic)
People put so much focus on the mystical magical orgasm that they forget sex is a whole journey, not just a means to a destination.

I’m a bit at posters saying he must be gay or is otherwise defective for not coming through PIV. A lot of women don’t come through PIV either but aren’t lesbians because only oral hits the spot!

I hate giving BJs and so don’t, but I always mention this before we get even close to that stage, so there’s plenty of time (days/weeks) for them to walk away before committing.

@busybarbara that's not the same at all most women need their clit stimulated to orgasm, and most men cum through stimulation of their penis so can cum through penetrative sex.

OP - just wondering if he's on any meds at all? I know there's lots of meds which can delay orgasm and make it quite hard to climax. In the past when I've had a DP on certain antidepressants, they either couldn't orgasm at all or else could only do it via masturbation (due to the more intense stimulation).

So basically he doesn’t orgasm through penetrative sex. You are now not orgasming through penetrative sex.

The solution to his issue (which is probably self induced), is you finish him off. The solution to your issue (which is physiological), is that you simply don’t orgasm because it’s not ok for either him or you to finish you off. That sounds really really fair.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy and decide if you truly want to be with this man. Idk how old you are but having kids with him if you want them, is probably going to involve Ivf. My dd was born through ivf. It is very difficult to go through and really a last resort. But again, he sounds like a selfish man and would possibly rather you went through all that shit to avoid sorting out his issues.

OP = . I’m sorry to hear this.

I have always had the “oral conversation” before having sex with someone new. No oral, no entry. End of.

I cannot BELIEVE people who think it's reasonable to expect someone to perform oral sex on them because they receive it....if someone does not enjoy or feel comfortable doing a certain sex practice then in NO WAY is it ok to pressure them into it!! NO WAY.

OP's DH does not like giving oral sex. He should no more be made to feel bad about that than I should about not liking to receive it!

Doing something to someone that you don't want to is TERRIBLE! The same as having something done to you that you don't want done!!

Starlight Oh. My. God.

Really? You won't engage sexually with a man unless he will give you oral sex?? I personally HATE receiving oral and won't do it...if a man said "Oh well then I can't have any sex with you" then I'd think him a weird, unpleasant person.

People don't have to do as you like! Sex is about compromise sometimes. Would you REALLY enjoy oral if the man hated doing it?

Nice.

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing.

He doesn't? I don't think all of the men are aware of this. I certainly have known some who weren't.