Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Well I hope he appreciates your blow jobs as much as you appreciate him going down on you. I don’t like oral sex (recievng) Giving is another matter.
Please tell me you didn’t say “Oh darling thank you for going down on me.”
Some things just aren’t said.

HE “decided” to go down on you.

Like he’s doing you a favour

Masturbation is sure fire but he said he would feel lousy if I masturbate next to him

Have you tried toys or doesn't he like those either 😂

OP, I’m with you on the idea that orgasm very psychological. Feeling that your bits are unattractive / unclean etc or that your partner doesn’t really like kissing them is obviously something that would play on anyone’s mind. Experiences like this are probably why quite a lot of women are self conscious about receiving oral, even if they aren’t with the partner that made them feel like this. Like you say, you’ll have to see how you feel about this being a one-way thing.

I don’t personally give to receive, I do it as I get enjoyment out of my partners reaction.

No one should feel obliged to do something they don’t really want to, your partners orgasms also aren’t your responsibility, if he has issues climaxing it’s up to him to solve it, not you.

So he doesn't come from PIV. He doesn't like going down on you. He doesn't want anal. He doesn't want you to finish yourself off... there's nothing wrong with any of these things individually; but together it's concerning.

He just wants you to provide a blowjob when he wants to get off? And once a year he sighs a bit and goes down on you so you can have an annual orgasm?

Were you ever sexually compatible?

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I thought so, now I'm not so sure.

@AloneLonelyLoner you say after you couldn’t climax, (presuming from this that you normally would) he went down on you, even though he doesn’t enjoy it. So he’s not being selfish is he? If you hadn’t raised the point he wouldn’t have told you he didn’t like it and you’d probably have carried on with your usual routine the next time.

He definitely needs to sort out his blowjob only deal as this is nuts (no pun intended) - what if you plan to have kids?

You both need to do some kind of exploratory karma sutra type thing - a good few hours on your own, no distractions, re explore like you’re a new couple. Show each other the way without the porn.

Hmmm, there seem to be a lot of negatives in your sexual relationship, he doesn't like giving oral but expects it from you, he isn't comfortable if you masturbate in front of him, he seems unworried about the prospect of you not blowing him ever again, there may be a porn issue and you feel used. You are right to be concerned and I wonder if you are really compatible sexually. You need to be completely relaxed with each other to have really good sex and personally I would not ask my DW to do something to me if I wasn't willing to do the same for her.

Dp and I usually have a very good sex life.

I’m sorry, op, but I really don’t think your sex life is quite the amazing lark that you think it is. Going down on you once a year (when it’s something you enjoy) Is not what id call a really good sex life, but Maybe that’s just me

Casing him selfish is a but much unless you know all the facts. I can't bear to give oral to my DP but he gives it to me. My ex used to force to do it and even though I love and trust my current partner, the very idea of it leaves me shaking and crying.

he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has

First thought; he's gay. He can only come with a sexual act (fellatio) that is the same whether your partner is male or female.

Assuming you are not elderly and he doesn't have any medical conditions that affect sexual function (e.g. diabetes, some antidepressants), it is very odd for a heterosexual man never to able to climax from PIV sex, even with heavy porn use.

I am confused by why you think your sex life is good. Aren't you telling us that you are servicing him sexually most days in a way that you don't really enjoy?

🤭 🤭

I'm in two minds on this. Horses for courses springs to mind. Can you cum in other ways or do you need oral to cum?

If it's the latter and he won't go down on you then I think it's unfair

But if you can come by other means then I'd not be feeling so bad... people like different things, I can't stand feet for example but my dh will rub mine in an evening whilst we watch telly, but there's no chance in hell I'd rub his equally I'll do things for him that he doesn't like to do for me... to me that's part of being different people and enjoying different things

Sorry if this has been mentioned, I skim read. But op have you asked him why he doesn't like it exactly?

As you can fix certain things, use flavoured lubes ect. I don't think yabu, I'm not a fan personally, think it's totally unreasonable of him to expect it and not return though without trying things first.

It all sounds really awful now I think about it.

I actually don't mind giving blow jobs. It's just the fact that now I know he actively dislikes going down on me it'll be irritating.

And I never asked if he likes it. He just announced it. It made me feel bad. I don't want him doing stuff he doesn't like but I also don't want to feel like I'm gross, which it kind of did feel like if I'm honest.

It all sounds really awful now I think about it.

I actually don't mind giving blow jobs. It's just the fact that now I know he actively dislikes going down on me it'll be irritating.

And I never asked if he likes it. He just announced it. It made me feel bad. I don't want him doing stuff he doesn't like but I also don't want to feel like I'm gross, which it kind of did feel like if I'm honest.

Sounds like death grip to me, plus having developed a preference for the women on his phone screen and the visceral reality is too much for him, he's not programmed that way anymore.

If I didn't enjoy giving oral, I'd expect my partner to understand. So I completely accept my partner not enjoying it!

I don't take the lack of oral personally. BUT it depends on what you're happy to live with and live without! I have a fantastic sex life with DH so it's not missed, but if you feel you can't have satisfactory sex without oral or you're missing out, that totally fair enough, too.

I think I've lost the AIBU.

I think its petty to be tit for tat (ha) over this type of stuff. I'd be upset as I love oral, both giving and receiving, but everyones different and you have to accept it or find someone else who can do what you like. Presumably you love him more than oral🤷🏻‍♀️

My ex didnt like blowjobs. We were together 9 years and I only ever gave him a few (not to toot my own horn but Im good at them and enjoy giving them). It bothered me a bit but I had to accept it.

Oh my God so many puns here ^

There is no way id be going down on someone who didnt like going down on me. If that meant he couldnt come, then too bad.
Id actually be insulted by what he said.

Its not tit for tat, its give and take.
It honestly sounds like he doesnt like anything vaguely rude, or sensual or fun. He sounds selfish and hung up

Actually I do think you're being a thing bit unreasonable. Not for how you feel (I am the same, I couldn't enjoy it if I knew the other person wasnt really into it) but because he doesnt really like doing it, and still did it, for you, and was just being honest when it came up in conversation. And it was you not him that said never again. If you talk to him and he demands it but refuses to do the same then that's different...

I don’t think YABU. Sex is about give and take, mutual pleasure and reciprocal stimulation. Not about him getting exactly what he wants while giving very little in return. While I agree that no one should be forced to do anything they don’t want to do, nor should he be making you feel unclean, unreasonable or uncomfortable receiving something that you have always found pleasurable. He sounds totally selfish and self absorbed and I would absolutely give him a taste of his own medicine. Let’s see how long it takes for him to be able to come without a BJ then! Sounds to me like he has you exactly where he wants you. Don’t let him OP, your sexually gratification is just as important as his!

Man here. I will never understand any man who does not like to go down on a woman. It doesn’t make any sense

Another man here too! jeezz this does not make any sense at all and i think its all very sad OP:(

To my mind Oral sex on a woman is about one of the best things you can do in bed:) I've never had a woman who didn't like it, the smell taste of her and the way she reacts, great:!

But there is something wrong here, as others have said one thing missing, not done too well, not liked maybe, but this sounds all in as if you might as well not bother sad to say.

Might it be possibele if you could get him to see his GP and find someone who perhaps could give you mainly him some therapy or counselling at all? as it seems to me this isnt going to get any better by itself, sad to say.

It may well destroy what might be a good relationship otherwise but how the sex works always seems to be as a good barometer of how healthy or otherwise the relationship is, or maybe is not.

It also seems odd that he finds it difficult to pop normally. Maybe TMI but i find it a bit more difficult these days as at my age I have to rely on the little blue pills they plus a condom do make that so, but I very much doubt he is in his late Sixties and uses ED meds?

Hope you can work something out, your missing so much!