I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

I miss it. Loads. The buzz and the high was like nothing else.

I guess your current partner isn't interested? It would be easier to introduce if you're the dom, I'd imagine.

It’s nit that I needed more extreme, but that the control and the lack of give and take was affecting my non-sexual relationships and I was becoming quite domineering in all elements of my life. So I stepped away. But oh I MISS it.

I was The Most Confident I have ever been then.

My current partner and I are totally vanilla.

That's so funny. When I started subbing, I actually got more assertive and confident in the non-sex parts of my life. I think having an outlet for my soft, submissive, yielding side meant I could express the other sides more elsewhere. Subbing still gives me confidence. I love knowing that my husband thinks my sexual submission is worth having. (Couldn't give a rat's arse what any other man thinks about it.)

I can see why you miss it. But it was obviously the right decision for you because ultimately, you weren't actually happy.

I don’t know that I wouldn’t go back to it. I might at some point in future.

And before someone asks.

I never switch. 😀 (because every domme gets asked that a lot)

*I had submitted to him, so this did mean doing what he said, within my limits, even if I didn't fancy it"

So is the short answer no, it's not about giving you pleasure if that pleasure is you no longer wish to be beaten, you simply wish to be cuddled and massaged, or have your hair brushed?

In that instance the relationship would end? His only will is to hit you and inflict pain on you and if you refuse this, then the relationship basically ends? He has no interest in giving you pleasure unless it involves assaulting you? Or am I reading this wrong? Because it did seem like you were saying unless him assaulting you was part of the deal, then giving you pleasure wasn't part of the offer.,,,

Do you get it cheap because it's a week day morning?

Some places are a standard price per hour, some charge more at weekends. But it does depend on the place.

I’ve not used a dungeon in a long time. I have a locked box in the roof space 🤣🤣😂😂 gathering dust.

So is the short answer no, it's not about giving you pleasure if that pleasure is you no longer wish to be beaten, you simply wish to be cuddled and massaged, or have your hair brushed?

No, it's about the pleasure being psychological as well as physical, and sometimes pushing yourself. I knew I wouldn't be able to explain it to your satisfaction. I do what he wants, within my limits. If I feel fragile one day and really, really don't want a hard scene - in other words, if I place a limit on it - then we don't do a hard scene that day. When I experienced a bereavement, we did not scene for quite some time because it would not have been good for me. When we eventually did, I found it very good for externalising and releasing my pain.

There was one time I was in a romantic mood and met him wearing something feminine and floaty. He took one look, said, 'Not today' and handed me what he wanted me to wear. It wasn't what I had been in the mood for that day, but it was not a limit.

Doms and subs need to be attuned to each other. This is why I've had so few partners. I just don't get that connection very often.

Of course, if you have one person who never wants hard scenes and someone else who does, then it's quite possible that they are just not compatible as a couple. It happens. It's not just a BDSM thing. I'm compatible with barely anyone at all.

It's entirely possible to have a full scene with no pain at all.

I really wish you would stop calling it 'assault'. You're entitled to dislike the idea but it's annoying when you keep calling it something it's not. I've been assaulted and I know the difference.

Bluntness if I can try to answer you.

If I was doing a “scene” or “play” or a demo at a club, my job is to do what has been agreed within the limits. And provide aftercare. Which is just as important as the kinky stuff. If I had a sub who didn’t want to play and just wanted to cuddle, that would be ok. But those are play “relationships” where the whole point is to meet up, do some mutually enjoyable stuff and feck off at the end of it.

With my partner, it was different. I was Dommw and he was sub and the whole gamete of relarionship from buying the toilet rolls to rhe kinky sex. But my word was law. And all I had to do was give him a look and he knew it.

But that takes time. You don’t get to that with someone you’ve just met. It takes years. And you have to work at it all the time. Much like any other relarionship.

I want to know what time you started your session, OP. You posted at 10.21 a.m. You were in there for four hours. Did you start at 5 or 6 in the morning?!

(For some reason I'm associating this with the UK rather than a European holiday destination.)

Op posted Thursday. She was at the dungeon on Monday.

Okay where is this dungeon??? I'd be intrigued to look into something like that...there is only so much you can do at home with two kids 😂

I get you're both trying hard to explain it, but I'm still not with you. And again I'm not talking the gentle stuff, I'm talking about the stuff the op posted, this is what I struggle with,

What I'm hearing is,,,I had a bereavement so we stopped for awhile. Fine.

I wanted to wear something feminine, he said no, so I did what I was told. Even though I didn't want to. He then proceeded to hit me. I don't know what to call it other than assault, I'm sorry, because that's what it is. Hitting someone hard is assault, it doesn't matter if they want it, that's what it is.

I've no doubt one person who wishes to hurt and inflict pain and one person who wishes to be hurt are compatible, in fact as i said I'm sure they seek each other out.

What I'm trying to work out is why someone would wish to be hit hard with heavy objects like this for an extended period. What has brought them to this.

I've no issue in understanding the one who wishes to inflict pain, this is something we all are aware of. That people like this exist. It's the refusal to accept that these men get sexual pleasure from debasing you, physically abusing you and that is why they are there. And what in your life leads you to wish be treated like this.

As said, I'm talking about what the op posted, the extreme stuff, the hit really hard with heavy objects for extended periods. No one walks away from that without experiencing serious pain and being in pain after.

They get off on the pain. They’re masochists.

And I’m not a man. Granted there are less Dommes but we do exist.

It's an adrenaline buzz. Like extreme sports. You put your trust in someone to push you to your limits.

They get off on being told what to do, I get off on the telling what to do.

They get off on the being spanked with a side of humiliation, I get off on doing the spanking and humiliating them.

It’s a power exchange thing.

(They did I did -I don’t do kink anymore)

Bluntness have you ever done something that you really didn’t want to, that scared the shit out of you, but got a high when you’d done it?

It’s lkke that high. Every time.

I can totally see why people are into light pain during sex. However, I do find things like the OPs activities quite hardcore, and wonder what pleasure could be had out of being pummelled for several hours with heavy objects. I get the whole spanking thing, but I have to agree with bluntness that this seems extreme and a bit concerning.

If you have the right dynamics your dom can read you, they know how your body is going to react. They can push you past what you think is your limit & it is bloody invigorating when that happens.

It’s like taking drugs. People take a little then want more and more. The endorphins work in the same way. Sort of. You know you want more, can do more. Until you reach your own limit.

Clumsy analogy.

He then proceeded to hit me. I don't know what to call it other than assault, I'm sorry, because that's what it is. Hitting someone hard is assault, it doesn't matter if they want it, that's what it is.

Assault is non-consensual and is intended to destroy the victim. Domination spanking is erotic, consensual and provokes a certain response in the sub. I'm sorry that you can't tell the difference, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

If you believe that scene of mine was assault, then you must also believe that I assaulted my subs when I was spanking them. (As they begged me to do!) I reject that assertion and find it both ignorant and offensive.

What I'm trying to work out is why someone would wish to be hit hard with heavy objects like this for an extended period. What has brought them to this.

That is for OP to answer. In my personal experience, people have different limits, they tend to grow with time. Some people have higher tolerances, some people find they need more as time goes on because they get used to it. The drug analogy is not a bad one. And as with drugs, you do need to be careful.

You seem to have this idea that in scenes, people just go at it hammer and tongs without rest and then when it's over everyone just leaves. It doesn't work that way. There's an ebb and flow to it, the partners bounce off each other, and then there is tender aftercare at the end, which is incredible.

usedtobedomme is right that it takes a while to get the sort of 'lifestyle' relationship that she had. And also right that, at the end of the day, the dom gets the final say. That's really kind of the point, and if that's not for you then fine. But the sub always has the choice to walk away. In my experience, they're actually quite quick to do so if they're not being dommed to their satisfaction.

😍