I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

To be fair, I think I'm the only person to have asked her specifically.

I'm not sure I buy "I just like to be beaten hard for hours on end".

I was into this scene for years.

As was/am I.

This is one of the biggest lies that people tell, along with the idea that it's ever 'safe, sane and consensual' to beat the crap out of each other.

There was no 'beating the crap' in anything I saw or experienced. Consent was key, safe words and limits were paramount. I did know one or two people who liked to be hit until they bled, but that was never me and I never had anyone pressure me for it. I left the room when that was going on.

There were definitely some very vulnerable people, but I've seen more mental health problems and worrying scenes among my new/newish mum friends than the kink scene.

YMMV.

There was no 'beating the crap' in anything I saw or experienced

How can you say this when you then follow it up with you left the room when people were hit so hard they bled?

And again, the op has old us this goes on for hours, that she's let men do this to her who she's not sexually or romantically involved with. That she wishes to be hit "really hard".

I don't know how anyone can't question that.

How can you say this when you then follow it up with you left the room when people were hit so hard they bled?

Because I saw them come out, and often went back in when it had finished. I saw them several times in various places. On one or two occasions, I learned that a safe word had been used and respected.

Obviously I can't say they weren't being beaten senseless behind closed doors at home, but that's true of any domestic violence situation. DV is not limited to BDSM scenes. I wish it were, it would be easier to root out!

And again, the op has old us this goes on for hours, that she's let men do this to her who she's not sexually or romantically involved with. That she wishes to be hit "really hard".

Well, that's for OP to answer. I have an idea of what I suspect her answer will be, but I won't speak for her.

There most definitely are messed up people into BDSM, obviously. But at least in a scene with people who understand it and respect safe words and limits, there is a degree of protection that doesn't exist when it's just an abusive man and his partner and he's dictating everything to her with no context.

I find it bizarre that anyone wants to have pain inflicted on them. But I find it scary that there are people who will happily inflict this pain. Even the OP admits she’d find that side boring. I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing my partner got a thrill out of hurting me, even if I wanted him to do it.

Again, I get they want it, I get it's controlled, I get there is protection, , I'm trying to understand why. No one has said it is domestic violence, we all get the difference, we all get how it works. I'm not asking that.

The bottom line is we have a woman who has posted, who told us she went into a room on Monday morning, who was beaten and physically assaulted hard for a prolonged period. She would have been in a lot of pain both during and for an extended period after.

Whether she asked for it, or it was against her will, my response will never be "cool, what's the medical room for" it will always be is there something that has led to you wanting this. To try to understand it. Because my fear is this is a very damaged person indeed. I can't see how it's not. Whether she will admit that or not is a different story.

I agree bluntness. The human body has evolved to perceive pain as an unpleasant sensation, to enable us to avoid things that may harm us (cuts, burns, broken bones etc). It’s a basic instinct to move away from these things. It must take something major to override that instinct, surely?

Bluntness - I've been to my limits and I've never been in pain after. I can't express why I do it/enjoy it, it's the whole pain/pleasure thing. I'll try and formulate a better response!

Do any of you ever scratch an insect bite? Feels good, doesn't it? Because the itching is on the cusp of pain/pleasure.

I would imagine this is the same.

Spanking or caning makes me feel super giggly. It's very relaxing and energising at the same time!

There's also a similarity to long distance running or climbing steep rocks. Hard, takes endurance, hurts, but wow, the pay off.

This isn't relieving an itch.

I get it's a sensitive question and I also get some people would prefer I don't ask it, and if the op chooses not to respond that's fine too.

Ollivander I don't believe any human can be hit really hard with heavy implements for hours at a time and not be in pain afterwards. This is not how human beings work.

I also suffer from chronic pain due to a spinal injury, am under the care of a multidisciplinary pain clinic - it's a completely different kind of pain

It's a very enjoyable, itchy-scratchy kind of pain. Never done and don't much fancy hours on end though!

To answer the question about the psychology, I guess there's probably two factors at play

1. The D/s element that's already been touched upon. When you're in charge all day, very outgoing, the one making all the decisions, it's very pleasurable and relaxing to have the sense of relinquishing control

1. It's also a pain that I can enjoy rather than a pain that makes me miserable. Would never ever do any kind of impact play at the end of the day when I've taken my opioids, because that would affect my pain receptors, and that would obvs be potentially dangerous. But maybe my nerves are wired that certain kinds of stimulation can be enjoyable? I suspect it's also very psychologically freeing to have a pain that can be controlled. But mainly it just makes me feel happy and giggly!

Bluntness - I guess it's the whole what you class as hard or pain. I've had some bruising after and it's been a bit ooh yeah, bruise but I wouldn't say I was in pain with it

I've often had a very funny thought that while I would strictly speaking have to class this sensation as 'pain', all I'm really feeling is pure pleasure.

Ayn, are you saying youre beaten with very heavy objects and very hard for hours on end and feel nothing but pure pleasure?

Ollivander, are Saying you see your body bruised or battered and think "oh yes!"

I think we are moving away from the original question, which is had the op suffered abuse or witnessed it at some point in her life, and we are still talking about the logistics of it, the feelings people get when they are hit. Still not addressing what may have led to someone wishing to be hit hard with heavy implements for prolonged periods.

And I guess the follow up unanswerable question is what makes someone want to do this to another person. The fact safe words are even required shows there is a risk it goes too far, that they themselves are getting pleasure from the violence.

What makes a person be able to look at what is probably a naked vulnerable woman in this scenario, and be able to carry out a sustained assault on her because she asks for it.

What makes a person be able to look at what is probably a naked vulnerable woman in this scenario, and be able to carry out a sustained assault on her because she asks for it.

Yes Bluntness absolutely. This was one of the things I realised was deeply fucked up about the whole thing.

It's funny how the people who will defend this because it's 'consensual' often are the same people who are perfectly able to see the problems with the idea that 'consent' can't be freely given in other circumstances, e.g. selling your organs, renting out your womb, selling your virginity, etc.

What do you think about people who do extreme sports then? Are they also damaged?

IIRC from research about BDSM, there is a strong thrill-seeking element for some people and that is a relevant explanation for quite a lot of people who aren't re-enacting anything from their earlier lives.

There is so much defensiveness here, I'm simply asking a question. One which appears unanswerable for whatever reason.

I've no doubt that those who wish to hurt or be hurt will seek each other out and proceed to do exactly that. That both sides will gain pleasure of relief or something from it. That there are rules and safe words. I'm not questioning this. I understand it's consensual.

Do I think because someone asks another human to beat them, inflict pain on them they should do it. No. I don't. I'm not talking gentle spanking or shit like that. I'm talking about what the op posted. Spending hours being hit very hard by heavy objects. Sometimes by men she's not even in a relationship with.

I'm trying to understand this. It's ask me anything. So I'm asking. It's a reasonable question in my view.

Ollivander, bananafish, Duke, do you think there seems to be less kink stuff in popular culture and mainstream media than 5 or 10 years ago? (The sole exception seems to be the 50 Shades of Grey films that have been panned anyway.)

Yesterday I read a thread from a couple of months ago about a celebrity I quite like; various posters had responded to the OP with "eww" attitudes because of a kink he was rumoured to have. I was thinking a) the kink itself seemed very 'so what' compared to so many things that people like and b) how weird it would it be if various friends who are into kink were nicknamed/ predominantly perceived according to what they were into. 5 years ago I'd have felt like I was talking about ideas that were culturally pretty visible and that anyone who kept up with the press would be familiar with, now as if it was increasingly fading back to obscure and niche.

Op, I have just read some of your other posts and threads, are you ok?

I don't see any defensiveness, I see people attempting to answer your question. You're not into it, which is fair enough, but it is very, very hard to explain to someone who has no interest in it. I wouldn't have understood it myself if not for my experiences. It seemed abnormal and dangerous to me as well. (Which is why I spent so many years repressing it.)

I already said that I don't enjoy pain to the extent that OP does. I have had sessions that lasted for hours though, including the odd break. I'd be surprised if OP and her partner went at it for four hours with absolutely no rest or respite, but again, that's for OP to answer. As is any question about whether or not she's been abused.

I was/am unusual in that I never did participate in sessions with people that I wasn't in a relationship with. I need a certain connection and dynamic with my partner for it to work for me, and I very rarely met the right person. That's just me. My partners were never into blood though. Light bruising, perhaps, but I don't mind that myself either.

I COULD wax very lyrical about what my submissive life does for me, the dynamics and so on, but I don't think OP's thread is the place for it. Perhaps I'll start an AMA myself, although I probably won't.

The comparison to harvesting organs or any other form of abuse based around commodifying and selling one's body, presumably based on desperate poverty rather than sexual desire and satisfaction, is offensively stupid.

In my experience, any Dom whose actions were not based on consensual and satisfying, mutual pleasure got very short shrift within the community. Others' experiences may differ; perhaps it's regional. I find that abusive men tend to find victims pretty easily and don't need fetish clubs. I've seen far more to worry me within my circle of new/newish mum friends.

Hey op, are you going to come back, just to let us know you're ok?

You can have this deleted if you want. You can also start another one if needed on any subject you might wish to talk about, even under a different user name.

@Bluntness100, wondering what was so terrible that you saw the need to keep badgering OP about this, I had a look to see what you meant, whether it was an abusive relationship or something. (You also seem to think that anyone who has had some sort of difficulties in life is somehow incapable of making informed choices in this area, which is to say the least patronising.) Have you even opened the threads properly rather than just looking at titles and search result content? Most of them involve the OP responding to other people and in some cases quoting them. There was nothing saying she was in an abusive relationship.

You really need to look at some of the more recent academic research on BDSM as well, as you will find a lot more analysis there of why different types of people are into it, that the SM and Ds side can be separate, and how there can be different responses to physical pain. (In some cases the latter can be in response to experiences with health problems and surgery.)