I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

bananafish81: 'But no one has explained sure how long it's acceptable to use it before it passes over from being 'a bit kinky' to 'extreme' (5 mins? 30 mins? 1h?)'.

Well, I suppose there's the point of lasting physical harm. But is it something that can be explained, mapped out beforehand? Isn't the thrill for people into BDSM that there is that liminal danger of straying from 'a bit kinky' to extreme - even if those involved decide not to transgress and have the means (passwords etc) to stop? Not my thing, but that 'on the edge' excitement thing is there in sexuality more widely.

Intensity is definitely something that can be discussed prior. It is also something that can be built on over time.

But the point is JustSayin that there's lots of different criticism being thrown about by different people - all with different definitions or ideas of BDSM in mind

Bluntness has said "I'm not talking the softer end, I'm talking about the hard core stuff the op posted and always have been."

But other posters are talking about any bdsm activity being fucked up

Posts talking about 'hitting someone' yet then say 'oh no I didn't mean lighter hitting, just hitting for hours with a cricket bat'

But some seem to referring to any kind of domination

There's a whole spectrum of activity yet the critics seem to have very different ideas in their head about what it is they're talking about

bananafish81 Yes, I have been, at least, browsing over the posts and I take that point. That is, we're talking about a very wide spectrum - from someone liking their partner(s) to be dominant to prolonged beatings and humiliation. But we've got to call this proclivity something, so we so call it BDSM. My point was that even if people who are into it know what they like, know their limits and talk about it, there is the thrill of sailing close to the wind, taking it to their limits and, maybe only just, beyond. Hence the difficulty of setting boundaries. And that's part of the erotic intrigue of sex and sexuality more generally isn't? I have got to say that it is influenced by age and relationship, but wouldn't sex be boring if you knew exactly where it was going to go physically and psychologically every time? Moreover, what you like, at least can tolerate, can change in itself.

FlyingElbows

it has deformed their ability to enjoy normal adult equal relationships, sexually and otherwise , they don't know what that looks like and can't function in equality.

How incredibly offensive. Do you think that FlyingElbows, mustbemad and I don't know the difference between our own personal experiences? That you understand our relationships better than we do? That you're a better judge of our own experiences and mindsets than we are?

Do you not think that a person who is both affected by historical abuse, and experienced in satisfying BDSM with a long term, loving partner, is the best qualified to tell the difference?

In other words, do you think we are stupid, and need you to tell us who we are?

there is the thrill of sailing close to the wind, taking it to their limits and, maybe only just, beyond. Hence the difficulty of setting boundaries.

For me, there is the feeling of 'oh God, you can't mean that, I can't, I mustn't....'....but I don't safe word.

And then there is the feeling of, 'Fuck no, and I really mean it, mate.' Which is when I safe word. (Very, very rarely.)

There is an edge to it, yes, that's the thrill. But I do find that switch has flipped on the very rare occasion it's needed to.

You know when you absolutely NEED to safe word during play. There are, as AynR says, times when you think you can't/shouldn't do whatever you are being asked to do - and for each sub that can involve a range of things from taking more pain, to do something that is meant to humiliate - but you do it because there is a thrill, a sense of wanting to know what it feels like to push past that inhibition.
You use the safe word for things that you absolutely, without hesitation or wonder, know that you cannot do, for whatever reason. And for me at least, i know instantly that i need to tap out. It has happened twice in the years that i have been participating in bdsm play, and both times came about because i thought i could handle the scenes that were suggested to me.

Setting boundaries is incredibly easy with a good dom.

As for the whole 'equality in relationships' thing i do wish people would stop trying to make out our relationships are somehow twisted because we participate in bdsm. My relationship with dp outside the realms of play - which are agreed beforehand - is very equal. Well, as i say he treats me like a princess so perhaps it is slightly skewed in my favour! He doesn't tell me what to do, push me around, control me financially, or physically hurt me in any way. We are a partnership. Once i CHOOSE to put on my collar - which alters my mindset & gets me into 'sub mode' - then the dynamics change. And yes, i have refused to play before without any negative consequences

I think I said this before, but I've honestly seen far more to worry me in my circle of new and newish mum friends. Something about having a baby seems to bring a lot of abusive or uncaring men out of the woodwork. I've spoken to new mothers who are so distressed at how their partners are treating them, and it's absolutely nothing like speaking to subs in true D/s relationships. I know I keep saying it but there are people on here who really can't seem to grasp that it's about consent, care and mutual satisfaction...and that's precisely what abusive relationships don't have.

Loving this thread. Met my slave/husband at a munch and have been married 15 years. Bdsm has always been a big part of my life and I have been lucky to meet like minded partners

The club scene has never really appealed but we used to attend local munches fet markets and femdomme events, I honeymooned at the Owk. Quite an Experience

When we were finding it hard to get space and time to indulge properly due to houseful of teens (kids are easy as they need picking up. Teens not so] we bought another house and kitted it out with dungeon equipment. Rented it out a few times a month to help cover the cost and used to have small parties, great times

The things you learn on AMA!! What fun.

In the days before the internet and mobile phones, we started to experiment. Don't know how it happened, probably reading an article in one of the Sunday supplements about sex domination within couples. We had no idea what to do, but we were quick learners. We did have a standard rigid vibrator but other than that we used things around the house, didn't have the money to buy stuff. Wooden spatula, crepe bandages, etc., found the carrying handles on the mattress had their uses!

In today's parlance we switched, or back then we called it, 'taking turns'. Whoever was being dominated in one session would, at some time in the future, take charge. Looking back we probably only did it two or three times a year, surprised ourselves at our creativity. The idea that we were 'hitting' or being 'violent' was a long way from the amazing sex we had. I'll give one example.

We both worked for the same firm and were part of a rota for Saturday supervision using the Supervisor's office meaning, in this context, private use of the phone.

One Saturday morning over breakfast, OH announced I would receive my instructions for the day by phone. My body went on fire. Waiting for the phone calls had me in a state of sexual tension that seemed to drip from my finger tips. Knowing that at some point in the evening that would be exploded, and it was , was all part of it. Lovely memories.

Now in our dotage we still smile occasionally at incidents that come to mind – we 'played' in complete privacy either in our home, hotel room or best of all, self catering cottage.

Occasionally I have fantasies about being spanked with the light wooden spatula that sits in a pot of utensils in the kitchen. That delicious sting – oh, yes please!

We just enjoyed it and I hope those of you who still indulge, continue to have fun. Domme good post.

I don’t see a problem in either having great sex on a Monday morning or making an appointment for it. Mrs ABL and I get more morning and daytime sex than bedtime sex for various reasons. And people make appointments for other exciting activities be it a party or BBQ or a meal, movies , etc, and have a great time, so why not for sex. I’d have been as horny as hell in anticipation from the moment I woke up! Not my OH’s cup of tea but sounds like fun to me.