I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

How can asking twice if someone is ok be classified as badgering, at no point have I insituated she is in an Abusive relationship.

I also didn't say something was terrible, the term makes me uncomfortable. I am not going to state here about something personal to her from another thread she started.

If you want to know, go and look yourself. I am well within my rights to ask her if she's ok and I don't need permission or accusations from you.

So in this instance I'm going to tell you firmly to wind your neck in. Fast.

plenty of people with perfectly normal, stable backgrounds and no mental health issues are into BDSM

Maybe. I used to be friendly with some people who were big into this scene. Nobody I met through them wasn't fucked up in some major ways. They described a whole lot of abuse dressed up as consenting, sexual assaults, rapes. Some of which they recognised for what they were, and some they didn't.

BDSM is dressed up as 'play' but spend 5 minutes on fetlife and you will see some of the most extreme woman hating misogynist violence you could imagine. Nothing playful about it.

I struggle with the idea of BDSM. I find it hard to understand. I can see the similarity to extreme sports though.

OP said earlier that she was packing to go on holiday.

Oblomov, it absolutely is not for everyone. And even if it is for you, it's still important to have the right partner, whom you trust and with whom you have the right connection.

BDSM is dressed up as 'play' but spend 5 minutes on fetlife and you will see some of the most extreme woman hating misogynist violence you could imagine. Nothing playful about it.

I definitely agree that you will find some sick fucks on there. (Unfortunately, you don't need to be into kink to find revolting men - they're quite ubiquitous). That's why I think it's best done within a community where you can talk to other people and learn about what it should and shouldn't be. I don't rate Fetlife for a whole host of reasons.

I'm surprised, though, that you've been told it's 'play'. One of the most irritating things about the scene, at least in my experience, is the competitiveness over who's the most 'real' and 'serious' about it. It's one of the things that has put me off in more recent times.

You do need to be careful about it, of course you do. I know a lot of people who do have an interest but are worried about the kind of people they might encounter and therefore stay away from it. I respect that 100%. I would not have ever become involved to any real degree if I hadn't met someone whom I could definitely trust and who guided me with a lot of patience.

I remember right before my first scene and I was almost sick with nerves, worried about it going too far, being badly hurt, etc etc. But my Dom discussed all the limits with me carefully beforehand, checked I knew my safe word, and right before we began, he told me: "Remember, you're in control and you can stop this at any time. This is all about me pleasuring you." And he was right.

With regards to pain being plesurable I've lookes into studies about how different pains are released in the brain. Some pain can be shown to activate reward centers and can be addictive. It is not only the pain but the release and the lessening of such pain. It's a soothing feeling by endorphins after sometimes adrenaline. It can create a euphoria.

Also there are 'Signal scrambling between anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex' which basically means emotional stress can be lessened. But obviously am no neurological expert and it's a huge concise! I think there are physiological reasons as well as emotional ones.

Op your comment about stopping for a cuppa made me chuckle.

I have spanked guys and they like the embarrassment as it wasn't hard. Is this an aspect for you?

which basically means emotional stress can be lessened.

When I suffered a bereavement, my sessions were great for externalising the pain I was feeling. They were hugely therapeutic.

OP said earlier that she was packing to go on holiday

No, she said she was packing to leave.

This is all about me pleasuring you

Did you believe this? That he wasn't a sadist who took pleasure from hurting you? It was an act of altruism on his part and he wasn't getting pleasure from hurting you?

Oh yes, she's leaving her holiday cottage.

This is all about me pleasuring you....Did you believe this?

Yes. I had many, many scenes with him. Once, in a session, I told him I was a bit scared of him and he said, "Have I ever really hurt you? As far as I know, I've only ever brought you pleasure." He was dead right.

Again, this is hard to explain to someone who isn't into it.

That he wasn't a sadist who took pleasure from hurting you? It was an act of altruism on his part and he wasn't getting pleasure from hurting you?

Well, sex is rarely truly altruistic - most of us are doing it because we like it. That's true whether it's vanilla or BDSM.

Of course he was getting fulfilment from it as well. But it was important that it be mutual. So yes, if you want to put it in very stark terms, he enjoyed hurting me. But as he said to me many times, he only enjoyed hurting me to the degree that I enjoyed being hurt. He liked the control and the power, and he liked knowing that he was whipping me up (hahahaha) to a sexual frenzy. That was where the true control came in. He made me want it. I enjoyed it.

I know for an absolute fact that he refused to scene with a couple of other subs because they wanted more pain than he was prepared to inflict. He had an absolute hard limit on blood.

I've done some spanking myself and it's really oversimplifying it to say that I just liked hurting my subs. It's about stimulation, not violence. It was for mutual satisfaction. I enjoyed the control and power, but more than that, I enjoyed knowing that they wanted me to have this control and power, and that I was handling them well. If they had safe worded I would have stopped at once and made sure they were ok. If they had been truly distressed by the experience, I would have been devastated. Ultimately, I was really trying to please them, just as my Dom was pleasing me.

It really is not as straightforward as it looks. When I'm being dommed, I am being liberated and released sexually. My Dom is the one acting under restraint - he's bound by my limits. He does nothing that I don't allow.

Reminds me of the old joke...A masochist begs a sadist to hit him and the sadist says no.

Ayn, I do understand what you're saying, and I think you explained that very well.

However the bottom line is these men are sadists. They get their pleasure from dominating, humiliating and hurting vulnerable women. This is their character, They look for women who will allow them to do this to them. There is no two ways about that.

The fact they are controlled or stay within limits, is not in my view mitigating. It's simply dressing up what these men are. Men who take pleasure from dominating, humiliating and inflicting physical pain and violence on women. They simply seek out women who will let them hurt them,

If we go back to the op. She endured a sustained assault. Hit with heavy implements for hours on end really hard. The fact she asked for it, or enjoyed it doesn't change what it is, a sustained and violent assault from a man who took pleasure in doing that. And if he wasn't doing it to her, he would find another woman who would let him assault her.

It takes a lot to hit another person. It takes even more to do it hard and repeatedly, and to enjoy it. To get pleasure from it. To seek out people who will let you assault them. Let's not pretend these men are anything other than what they are, which will always be abhorrent in my view. The only reason they aren't in prison is because they seek out the people in society who will let them physically abuse them.

What a shame the thread has been ruined.

If you feel the thread is ruined due to my questioning the psychology behind the people involved in this scene, as opposed to the more titallating logistics of it, then you can easily redirect it and ask any question you wish.

As much as the op may not come back there are others on here who are happy to explain intelligently about the logistics and their thoughts and feelings on it.

I won't apologise for asking the questions nor posting my view on the men who do This in my last post.

What the op posted is extreme, it's hard core, and for many people it would be both concerning and hard to understand.

I want you to know I’ve just snorted loudly with laughter at the comments about cleaners. I am in a small very quiet serious hospital waiting room.

Had not RTFT when I wrote that. My comment relates to comments on the first page only.

Sorry Bluntness, but I don't think you do understand what I'm saying. Which is fine. If you're not into this, you should definitely stay away from it. And I would absolutely urge anyone who wanted to explore it to take a lot of care. I was very very lucky with my first Dom, who made it very clear to me how this should work. It does come with risks and you need to be careful. Though, as I've said, abusive and horrible men are everywhere.

However the bottom line is these men are sadists. They get their pleasure from dominating, humiliating and hurting vulnerable women. This is their character.

You still don't understand. For a true Dom, it's about stimulation and mutual satisfaction. As I said, I spanked willing subs myself. I refute, in the strongest possible terms, any idea that this was an act of violence, abuse or assault. I would not do it to anyone who didn't want it. I would not do it past the point of their pleasure. I would not do it to the point where I inflicted harm. I would get absolutely no pleasure whatsoever from doing it to someone who wasn't enthusiastically consenting. My subs never safe worded but if they had, that would be it - scene over, and nothing but care for them until they felt better.

You may not like it, but many, many people are into pain - even Ann Summers has a huge range of paddles and whips. It's very, very, very common. It's the pleasure/pain principle (I've read that those sensations travel along the same nerve pathways), it's the feeling you get when you push yourself in a hard gym workout, it's the endorphins, it's the edge and intensification of the experience, it's allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust, it's helping you to lose inhibitions...

You must also remember the aftercare. It's crucial, and it's given me some of the greatest highs of my life. I always gave my subs plenty of aftercare, as my Doms always gave it to me.

I hope very much that OP has never been abused. If she is being abused now, I hope she gets out immediately. But based solely on this thread (I couldn't find anything elsewhere to worry me - perhaps someone can PM me a link if I've missed something), I don't see anything concerning. She's had spanking fantasies since childhood, she never stopped thinking about it, she writes stories about it; the fact that she has a spanking partner in a BDSM dungeon doesn't, in and of itself, worry me.

Many people think that BDSM is about control and power, but really, it's about trust.

And then we disagree. I do not consider being hit by heavy implements really hard, for extended periods as spanking. I get the whole spanking Ann summers shit, but what the op posted for me is extreme and it is what prompted my question.

I don't see this, or even moving into where blood is drawn, as a pp alluded to as anything other than a violent and controlled assault.

, sure, bluntness. Concern is absolutely what motivates you. Of course.

I have no experience whatsoever about this but have read with interest.
I’ve never given the topic much thought until this thread but bluntness posts have made me curious.

I’m genuinely interested - those who say that the Dom’s only interest is in pleasuring the sub, would they be happy if the sub wanted massaging for several hours or just stroking lightly or having their hair stroked/brushed? If this gave the sub the same pleasure as being hit, would the dom be just as happy or is it only the hitting that they are prepared to do?

Oh and I don’t know why but this made me feel really uncomfortable Once, in a session, I told him I was a bit scared of him and he said, "Have I ever really hurt you? As far as I know, I've only ever brought you pleasure." He was dead right.
I’m not sure how to articulate it or why it’s made me feel really uneasy. Maybe it sounds manipulative?? Similar to gaslighting?? Not sure or maybe I’ve just got no understanding of this at all!

Kardashian - I think it is that tiny line of fear. Like being blindfolded, you don't know what to expect, you expect a spank and get a feather brushed down your back. Hence the comment about fear but a Dom only bringing pleasure
There are bad ones out there, I've met one. I probably should NC but I CBA so oh well
I went to an event with a female friend, it was a sort of exhibition with a play area. Play area had a guy sort of watching over the whole thing, making sure everyone was ok and safe. Mix of BDSM crowd and vanilla people
I briefly played with my friend as she is a Dom, and we were watched by some more vanilla people (who winced at one point), what she did hadn't actually hurt me but she made it look brutal. Afterwards one of them came up to us and said "thank you. That was so informative, and loving and tender as well as being out of my comfort zone and it was really fascinating to watch"
There wasn't anything sexual in what we did, except kissing

You always always have to be safe, with a safe word, or even a set of keys to drop if you can't speak (gag etc)
I used a safe word last time, he immediately stopped, panicking something was wrong
I needed a wee

It's not just men who do it Bluntness. I used to play - a lot - in the scene and I was a lifestyle Domme with a previous partner. All in all for a period of about 10 years.

I spanked, I flogged and I paddled. Teased and toyed and denied. Controlled. Was never mad on battering into submission, and don't like blood or breath play and not a fan of needles.

I stopped, because it was leaking into my vanilla life and I didn't like who I was becoming. My relationship now is vanilla.

Oh and yes, always with a safe word. and RACK.

Of course we disagree. That's fine. I'm into something, you're not, that's absolutely cool.

I'm guessing OP has been doing this for a long time and has built up a tolerance, but that's just speculation. It's her AMA (sorry, OP), so it's for her to answer. It's possible, of course, that she IS in an abusive relationship. I hope not, and if she is, I hope she gets right out immediately.

Kardashian, I'm sorry if it made you uneasy. At the time I found it hugely reassuring because he was right; he had only ever brought me pleasure and I had only ever felt good afterwards. He never caused me harm and he never hurt me beyond the level I found fulfilling. But as I can't stress enough, this is not for everyone. And that's fine.

I’m genuinely interested - those who say that the Dom’s only interest is in pleasuring the sub, would they be happy if the sub wanted massaging for several hours or just stroking lightly or having their hair stroked/brushed?

Ah, you've asked. This is a very hard dynamic to explain. I had submitted to him, so this did mean doing what he said, within my limits, even if I didn't fancy it. But part of my pleasure was in that very submission - in being pleasing, and in surrendering my own will to his, temporarily, in the context of the scene. That was also something I did want, on a deep level, in a safe and consensual context. It also meant that he could gently introduce me to new things that I wouldn't otherwise try, and give me wider experiences.

That's the best way I can put it. But again, it's all within my limits and I had the power to stop it at any time.

It's called 'power exchange' and it is hard to articulate.

usedtobedomme, that's really interesting. I have known a few people to have that experience. I think one of the risks of BDSM, apart from the obvious ones, is that it can reach a point where you start needing more and more extreme things to get the high.

I guess that could be OP (we won't know until she answers), but I know a lot of people who like extended spanking.