I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

I'm donning my hard hat for this...

I suspect that the reason the thread interests you so much is because, frankly, a LOT of people have an interest in BDSM. Far more people have an interest in it than actually participate in it. When you realise what a wide spectrum of likes and behaviours it encompasses, I actually think that you could find elements of it in almost everyone. I'm sure there are plenty of things that wouldn't interest you at all (same for me - by scene standards, I'm really pretty tame) but if you're reading this thread with interest, it's probably because it's speaking to some part of you.

Submission is scary sometimes. That's the edge of it. You can love and hate something at the same time and you're pushing yourself. I find, though, that on the very rare occasions when something really, truly would take me in a bad direction, something switches inside me. It's no longer a feeling of 'oh God, I can't, I mustn't' and becomes, 'No. Fuck no. Absolutely not.'

If you have some understanding of hypnosis, it can help you to get your head round this. I've had this conversation with my hypnotherapist, and she explained to me that hypnosis can basically strip your inhibitions and bring you into a more suggestible and open mental state. But it cannot make you do anything you truly don't want to do. It doesn't work that way. You could hypnotise me to do something a bit embarrassing if it pleases my Dom. You couldn't hypnotise me to, say, harm a child.

Why home in on this violent/dominance aspect of make believe when there must be a million other ways to introduce fun and imagination into sex.

I'd be interested (honestly) to hear about these millions of other ways that don't involve any element at all of domination, submission or power play. But as I said to Bluntness earlier, this encompasses so much more than the whips-and-chains stuff.

Good post AynR and i make you right. Sometimes people are more scared to admit they are intrigued by something than they are of actually participating.

For me being submissive indoors is an incredible feeling. Outside of our play dp and i have a very respectful, equal relationship. In fact he treats me like an absolute princess, everything is geared to making me happy and my life easy. It's exciting to watch his demeanour change once i have my collar on...that alone sends me to a place a vanilla relationship just can't

Honestly, if I was reading this because I was intrigued I'd say. I'd ask different questions, But I can honestly tell you its the thought of the violence that horrified me, and then looking at the phsycology behind it. Trying to understand why someone would willingly be assaulted as the op described.

I'm no more likely to be submissive to some bloke than grow wings and fly, i would not let someone hit me, and if anyone did, I can assure you the fucker would immediately regret it. I also have no desire to hit or dominate a man, I really wouldn't find that in any way shape nor form erotic either.

For me equality is important, and that won't ever change.

If someone hit me outside i too would bury them. If dp tried to control me outside our sessions he would no longer be my dp. Thats what is so exciting when we do go & play

Well clearly you are intrigued on some level, Bluntness. It's fair to say you're not bored.

If any man hit me, outside of my Dom, in a scene, within my limits, I'd lamp him right back too. I'm a submissive, that doesn't mean I'm public property.

As it happens, I do have a very equal relationship outside the bedroom (with the odd power play), but I don't really expect you to be able to understand that the two can exist alongside each other.

I'll give you what you want, Bluntness... When I was 16 I was in an abusive relationship. He regularly insulted and humiliated me, he hit me and his finest hour was when he held me down and raped me. I got there as a result of being vulnerable due to an upbringing filled with emotional abuse. So yes, there's a connection between vulnerability and susceptibility to abuse, you're right. Well done, you win.

However, the is a universe of difference between that experience and what I do with Mr Elbows. He is a kind and gentle and loving man and he would never ever hurt me in that way. Not ever. I trust him completely. That's where the essential difference lies. If I want him to stop he will, without exception.

I am dominant in every other sphere of life apart from our sex life. He is absolutely in charge there and that works very very well because he gets immense satisfaction from pleasuring me. He's in charge because I want to be and I let him be. I won't give you details because it's not necessary and you are incapable of accepting other people's choices. I can't explain it to you (others have tried) but please just accept when I tell you that our connection is deep and the orgasms are off the chart! I know you don't like it but it's true. It's not for you but it works for others.

Pity me if it makes you feel good and then we can have a thread where we disect why you feel the need to. What happened to you to make you unable to see grey? Are you OK?

I'd be interested (honestly) to hear about these millions of other ways that don't involve any element at all of domination, submission or power play

Lol really!! Maybe it's a lack of imagination or fun that makes people want to go down the BDSM path. 🤔 As for examples;
how about pretending to be other people or pretending to be strangers. The list or things that don't involve violence, pretend or not, must be endless. 💁🏻‍♀️

TBH I wonder if it's something lacking in people's sex lives that makes them need to try and push the boundaries so far. If you find vanilla sex boring then does that mean you are doing it wrong? I haven't got bored of it yet and I've been doing it with the same guy for a while. 😏
I definitely have no interest in doing anything to do with BDSM. I'd find it unsavoury and ridiculous even though I accept other people enjoy it.

Maybe it's a lack of imagination or fun that makes people want to go down the BDSM path.

I've heard BDSM described as many things, by people who don't have experience of it, but I must say, unimaginative is a new one.

how about pretending to be other people or pretending to be strangers.

I've done this one a few times. Problem is, my personal fantasies of strangers don't usually end with the discovery that he's a pensions adviser who just wants to go home and listen to Gardeners' Question Time.

As for the rest of it, it's precisely what I expected anyway. Hard hat's still on.

Gosh, so vanilla = superior? Have some empathy!! Some people get turned on by a love-island-style toned bod, some prefer a good spanking. How is that difficult to understand?

I used to attach a moral value to it when I was repressing it.

I'm not out to tell people who they are. It's simply that BentOut expressed amazement that she had become so interested in a thread about something that apparently doesn't interest her.

In my personal experience, people do not generally pore over a sexual matter when their interest is purely intellectual. In my personal experience.

To be fair I'm not pouring over the sexual element though, I think you've all stated that, it is the violence and abuse. I've not asked about the sexual stuff or been interested in it, it's the violence and abuse that worries me.

And honestly, I'm anonymous on here, if I fancied being all submissive to a man and taking a beating from him to get myself off I'd say. My user name is not bluntness for no good reason, 🤣

It's simply that BentOut expressed amazement that she had become so interested in a thread about something that apparently doesn't interest her

Umm, not sure that sentence makes sense🤔. I don't think it's unusual to be interested in something even if you don't want to actually do it. For example I've read plenty of books on climbing Everest but am not planning to do it myself. 💁🏻‍♀️

Like Bluntness it's the violent aspect of the OPs posts that have interested me. I can't understand how someone can enjoy being hit 'really hard' for a couple of hours and I'm curious why someone would want to do it.

I've had the sex topic in MN hidden ever since we were able to hide it, I'm not interested in reading about people
Sex lives but this thread was originally in AMA and the opening post got my attention.

It's not abuse. It is impossible to have any intelligent discussion on the matter if you will insist on reducing the vocabulary until we can no longer explain the concept within the terms that you allow. As I've stated already.

I don't think it's unusual to be interested in something even if you don't want to actually do it. or example I've read plenty of books on climbing Everest but am not planning to do it myself.

I think it's very unusual to have a sustained interest in a discussion about something that doesn't interest you. A lot of people read books about climbing Everest precisely because it's an adventure and achievement that they'd like to have but, for various reasons, won't. (Have you read Letters from Everest by George Lowe? You should.)

I'm anonymous on here, if I fancied being all submissive to a man and taking a beating from him to get myself off I'd say.

Well, for a long time I fancied it but wouldn't say, not even to myself.

I really do think that you can find BDSM leanings, of some sort, in almost everyone. It exists on a spectrum and doesn't have to be gas masks and ceiling suspension. I wouldn't be into that. My house has already had one subsidence.

Anyway. I mentioned it only because BentOut seemed to be puzzled as to why she was interested in something that she was apparently not interested in. It seemed plausible to me that there might be one or two elements in it that spoke to her, even if only on a light level. I thought it was worth mentioning as a possibility. Turns out I didn't need the hard hat. The PVC hood would probably have been sufficient.

AYn

C'mon, Surely it isn't that hard to understand that you can be interested in something that you don't want to do yourself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course not. As you were.

To be fair I'm just actually winding you up a bit now ayn

I'm glad you told me, because I didn't realise you had become ironic. Your insistence on restricting the vocabulary has been pretty constant.

I'm guessing you're just having a laugh insinuating I want to be dominated and hit.

I'm saying the topic is of interest to you.

On a more serious note I do genuinely believe that what you describe is the very small minority of the population

You think only a very small minority of the population have an interest in BDSM?

I think even though some aren't admitting it, I believe probably everyone involved in this sort of heavy stuff has been mentally messed up some where in their past

So enjoying something that you don't is a sign of mental illness?

Fuck, I told myself I wouldn't fall to your level of simplicity again but WTF?

"On a more serious note I do genuinely believe that what you describe is the very small minority of the population and those that are involved in this heavy end of the scene have been abused or seen such abuse in their lives that it has deformed their ability to enjoy normal adult equal relationships, sexually and otherwise , they don't know what that looks like and can't function in equality. They need violence and abuse to get off. Albeit faked."

Prove it. And "albeit faked"! So is the abuse faked or the orgasms???

You know we're masochists because we keep wasting our time on this, right Sarah?

How many times can you explain why something consensual, controlled mutually satisfying and based in trust and care is not violence or abuse, only for them to keep responding, 'But it's violence and abuse'?

Bluntness is not annoying me as much as simply making my head hurt a bit. She started by saying she was just trying to wind me up, but finished 'on a serious note' by repeating all the same crap. So what was the serious note? Was that yet more irony? Has this author completely deconstructed herself? Mind blown.

Truth. Hope you’re enjoying the book 😊

I've not said it's violence or abuse...

Although im sure being hit with a paddle 'very hard' for a few hours is a violent act even if it is consensual.

Spanking techniques have already been discussed at length, previously, by people with experience on either side of it.

Different spin on things...i went to a martial arts class last night. Sexual element aside, the things we were doing were not really a far cry from the bdsm play i do at home. My class consisted of being twisted into unnatural positions, slammed to the floor & pinned down, many elements of pain because your body just does not bend certain ways, & my personal favourite, lots of choke holds. Two hours of that & i left physically shaking from the adrenaline, with every part of my body screaming at me through aching. I've woken up this morning with a few deep, angry looking bruises & i have discovered muscles i forgot i had.

Describing a martial arts class people just take all of that as a given, nobody questions why i want to put myself through that knowing it hurts. But it's the same thing, just without the sexual part. Adrenaline, pain, pushing boundaries & pure enjoyment

"...it has deformed their ability to enjoy normal adult equal relationships, sexually and otherwise , they don't know what that looks like and can't function in equality." This is just such utter horse shit!

I told Mr Elbows he was a "violent abuser" last night and he thought it was hilarious. He shook his head, kissed me on the forehead then set about making dinner. While he was doing that we chatted to the children and we discussed our plans for building an extension to make the kitchen bigger. I brought some washing in and he fed the dogs. All very very normal. After dinner he went to work and I did more talking to the children.

This morning he came home from his very normal job and we had breakfast together. He went to bed and I've been painting the living room. It literally couldn't be any more normal. Sorry to disappoint.

This evening we might spice it up a bit and... go to the supermarket. Edge of your seat stuff!

You think only a very small minority of the population have an interest in BDSM?

Bluntness keeps saying that she doesn't mean 'regular' bdsm - that she means the 'extreme' kind described in the OP, with hours of beating with heavy objects (as she describes it)

But then there's lots of comment on the thread about BDSM more generally being abusive, fucked up etc - no one seems to have articulated where the line is between what they deem acceptable and what they consider extreme.

Apparently buying a paddle or cane from Ann Summers or Lovehoney is OK, but no one has explained sure how long it's acceptable to use it before it passes over from being 'a bit kinky' to 'extreme' (5 mins? 30 mins? 1h?)