I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

tsonlyme

How much did it cost to hire?

It's £60 for four hours.

annandale
Doesn't the spanker get bored sometimes
I am assured not.

God, I would though. I definitely couldn't be on the other side of this dynamic. I'd be bored after ten minutes. I definitely feel like I'm the one having all the fun.

or repetitive strain injury?

Happily this hasn't happened yet. There have been occasions where the gentleman in question has buggered up his shoulder/back in other ways (moving furniture) which kind of buggers up big swingy spanking with a heavy implement. But, happily, there are always other things you can do.

EvilTwins
What sort of things did your DP use to spank you with?

Hand, crop, cane, flogger and a variety of paddles. My favourite is a big heavy wooden paddle we own. I like the feel of wood but it's nice to have a variety.

We broke the crop, actually. It was one supplied by the dungeon. They were fine about it.

How did you discover you liked being spanked?

I think I've always known. I was far too interested in spanking references in Enid Blyton books as a child. And there were frequently stories in "Bunty" and "Nikki" with Victorian orphans getting caned which I read with a lot of interest.

By the time I was a teenager, I was more likely to be thinking about spanking than sex when masturbating.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I was too embarrassed to bring it up with partners during sex, though. And then I was celibate for a looong time.

When I started dating again at 40, I knew this was something that I wanted. I had already written a few spanking-based erotic novels by then and met my first spanking partner at an Erotic Authors Conference, so that made it easy to bring into the conversation.

After fantasising about it for so long, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't enjoy it after all and the whole thing would be an anti-climax. But luckily I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.

bananafish81
Do you take any of your own equipment or do they provide a wide range of floggers, ropes etc?

We took all our own stuff but the dungeon provides canes, floggers, crops, paddles etc as well.

They also provide rope with a rule about not using it on intimate areas. But we have our own rope so I don't need to worry about where theirs has been.

There's a Wand provided and a rule about only using it with a condom. Not sure I fancy using a communal sex toy though. It's not like the condom rule can be enforced.

Do they allow stuff like wax play (or is that pretty wipe cleanable too?!)

Apart from no shagging on the sofa signs, is there anything else they prohibit? (whether or not they can police that is another question entirely though!)

Not sure about wax play as it's not something I'm into.

Definitely rules about no naked flames, not sure if that would prohibit it?

And a whole list of rules! A big poster of them. Knife play/cutting definitely prohibited. And "wet play". And loads more rules about safety/hygiene.

Like you say, they can't really police it, but I imagine if the place was covered in blood and piss, you'd not be allowed back.

GorgonLondon

I am struggling to think of anything less erotic than a 'sex dungeon' pre-booked at 10am on a Monday.

Are you over 50, OP?

I'm 44.

Thing is, it's not "erotic" as such. Obviously there's a crossover with spanking and sex. But not always. I have had spanking partners where there has been no sexual element to it at all and that was fun too. And I can enjoy sex without BDSM.

It's like a separate activity to sex which is just as much fun. The aim of the exercise is a well-spanked sub-spacey feeling not an orgasm.

Although I quite like sex in the morning too, come to think of it. Both activities can set you up nicely for the day.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes

*Is that something that you're in to?"

No.

I'm not even sure what to say, you like getting hit? Hard? Being in pain? You are with someone who likes hitting you? Does he ever beat you in other circumstances?

Have you ever had injuries from this? And were you abused as a child, or did you witness abuse? Have you ever been subjected to domestic violence?

Calling it "spanking" is dressing it up. You're being hit and beaten by a man. That's what it is. What is it you get out of this and do you understand what has made you feel that it's something you welcome?

I know you didn’t use it but what is in the medical area?

Duchess that was my question too. Intrigued about the medical room

Do they provide music to be spanked to?

Bluntness is judgy today!

I'm not sure the word is judgy, but if it is, that's fine.

For me I see a woman who wants men to hit and beat her, who wishes to be in pain, to suffer pain, and I'd like to understand the phsycology behind that.

From what the op is describing this isn't a gentle smack on the rear, this is something else and understanding what's caused her to think this is what she wants, needs or deserves is for me important.

*Bluntness

You're being hit and beaten by a man that's what it is
*
Yes but at the op's request!

Bluntness - I enjoy it also to a degree. I'm not into the (what I call!) extreme stuff with blood/bruising
But I go into sub space and it's so hard to describe. It's like a mix of the edge of pain and pleasure. But I'm not into just searing pain! In RL I'm very controlled, seen as strong/cold and being a sub is almost a release from that
Although I do enjoy plain vanilla too

What advice would you give to a couple who are interested in going to a bdsm dungeon for their first time?

Calling it "spanking" is dressing it up. You're being hit and beaten by a man.

Apologies for me-railing your thread, OP. Tell me to shut up if you want.

There is an enormous difference between hitting a woman without her consent, in anger or abuse, and striking her consensually, as a sexual stimulation. It sounds as though OP and her partner know what they're doing, and I'm sure they have limits and safe words in place.

I have been hit by abusive men, and I am into erotic spanking (though I can't take it as hard as OP seems to like). I cannot even begin to tell you the difference. It's like the difference between watching a silly, schlocky horror film and actually seeing a person ripped to pieces in real life. I know lots of people don't like horror films, but you understand the difference. After being abused, you feel appallingly low. After a good BDSM session, you feel high and happy and cared for by your Dom (or you should!).

It's so hard to explain the sub/pain/pleasure thing for someone who's simply not into it. I could try if someone wants (bah, maybe I'll start an AMA). But you must please trust me that this is absolutely worlds away from a domestic violence situation. It's safe, sane and consensual. If you watch spanking porn, you should see that it's actually extremely controlled and the spanker is not going crazy. A Dom who goes crazy isn't a Dom, he controls himself first and foremost. That's his job and his nature.

Yes, cherry, that's my point, is it's at her request, i Just would like to understand the phsycology behind it. This is ama. I don't see what's wrong with the question.

It's not the norm to wish to be hit or beaten. Normal human reaction is to avoid pain. So I'm trying to understand what has led her to want this, to need to be abused.

Ollivander, thanks, I understand the break from the norm thing, I also can understand the gentle spanking thing to a certain extent, it's the being hit hard and repeatedly, to effectively be beaten by someone, I am trying to understand. The op said sometimes it's not even sexual she just wishes to be beaten. This is what I'm trying to understand better. Calling the man who does it "a spanking partner"is softening this up. It's a man who hits you, assaults you and beats you at your request.

Why is it ok to hit or beat a woman up because she wants it, as opposed to when she doesn't. Why don't we question what is causing her to want this.

@Bluntness you'll probably find it's more 'normal' than you realise.

It's not the norm to wish to be hit or beaten. Normal human reaction is to avoid pain.

In terms of sexual stimulation, it is very, very, very common indeed. Although the levels of intensity vary a lot.

The op said sometimes it's not even sexual she just wishes to be beaten.

I took that to mean that it doesn't necessarily lead to penetration, but it's still a sexual act in and of itself that leads to a feeling of satisfaction and gratification.

Yes again I understand she wishes it, she feels she enjoys it, she is asking fornitl I'm trying to understand why. I really really get that she wants it. People don't need to keep telling me.

I'm trying to understand If something in her life has led her to this. To want to be hit hard, to be beaten like this.

Well, obviously I can't speak for the OP, but I do know that plenty of people with perfectly normal, stable backgrounds and no mental health issues are into BDSM.

To be honest, it's the people who recognise that they are into it and do it according to the rules of SSC who seem to be the best off to me. People who don't really understand their desires and don't carry them out within a specifically safe and consensual space dedicated to it seem to be the ones who are more at risk of having it go horribly wrong.

bluntness I also enjoy being 'abused' during sex as you'd call it. Different stuff to the OP though. I enjoy being choked and slapped and having my hair pulled. My reasons behind liking it might make you feel uncomfortable, but I'll answer anyway. I like it, because it feels 'dangerous'. I like knowing that although my partner is hurting me, he would stop in a second if I told him to. I like feeling almost like I'm being abused, but with almost total control.
My partner has never, ever laid a finger on me outside of the bedroom, has barely ever raised his voice to me, and there have been times during sex when he has tried to initiate choking or whatever and I've told him "not this time" and he ceases. Immediately.
He now won't do any of it at all, as I'm pregnant and he just doesn't feel comfortable with it anymore, which is disappointing for me, but obviously it's gotta be consensual from both ends. Hope that answers some of your questions.

plenty of people with perfectly normal, stable backgrounds and no mental health issues are into BDSM.

I was into this scene for years. This is one of the biggest lies that people tell, along with the idea that it's ever 'safe, sane and consensual' to beat the crap out of each other.

Everyone involved in this stuff is messed up.

I'm not sure it does answer my question I'm sorry. As Yours i find to be slightly different.

She tells us she likes to be hit, "really hard" that she has had men do this to her she is not in a sexual relationship with. She is hit for hours on end. That's different I think to what you like.

Yeah, I understand your point. Not to patronise the OP, but if she hasn't already mentioned the reasons behind it, either there genuinely aren't any, and it's just what she likes, or maybe it's not something she's faced up to herself yet.