I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

I'm with Bluntness on this. Nothing wrong with being playful but doing something where someone gets physically hurt over several hours is peculiar. At the very best it's 'pretend' violence or 'pretend' rape. That's kind of weird and a bit fucked up. A little pain here and there I might understand but how someone can enjoy bruising or injuring someone is not ok.

Why all of a sudden are people's opinions being stated as fact? People don't like it, fine, great...don't do it? Labelling people fucked up is pretty low

I'm guessing if your DD (obvious assumption there but go with it) came home & said she was experimenting with bdsm you'd be all up in arms?

No one is asking you stop. Or trying to make you.😁

I think we are at an impasse. Unless we go to the vipers, and start a thread on aibu to court public opinion, we will need to disagree.

"My partner and I are into extreme bdsm. He hits me really hard with heavy implements for extended periods. Ie hours. By really hard I mean his full body weight behind it. I love it.

Do you feel this is :

A/Healthy and sane.
B/ diconcerting and deeply concerning.

Only a or b answers allowed. With rationale. I'm aware it's no ones business but ours.

Not sure mumsnet would allow it though,,,🤣 so I guess we will never know.

If she said she was experimenting with bdsm I'd gently ask what she meant,

If she said he hits me with very heavy objects really hard for hours on end, you bet I'd be deeply worried. And he'd be in serious risk of me hitting him with heavy objects for several hours really hard. Just to see how he fucking liked it,

Sorry but I haven't labeled anyone as fucked to. I did say pretend violence or pretend rape was fucked up. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

So if she told you she enjoyed it - and you knew there was no history of abuse/MH issues, you'd basically make her feel like what she was doing was wrong? I'm genuinely intrigued now! If my mum had done that when the issue first arose - i spoke to my mum when my then bf & i experimented with bdsm because as i said earlier, my head said one thing but my body said completely different - i would have probably re-evaluated the relationship i have with her. Instead mum chatted about it, made sure i knew the risks & made sure i knew it always had to be my choice. That in itself has meant i was confident moving forward when i did experiment with new things. It wasn't something i was being made to feel bad or embarassed about. Its an attitude i intend to pass on to DD who may or may not choose to experiment when she is (much, i hope) older

So, Bluntness, a question for you, yes or no answer: have you stopped robbing banks?

The thing that's frustrating me about this discussion with you isn't that you don't understand it. It's that you insist on oversimplifying the matter so that it can't be explained within the vocabulary that you allow. Several of us have tried to explain it, and to do that, we need to explain the nuances and complexities. When you keep bringing it back to 'but he just likes hitting you' and questions restricted to grossly oversimplified multiple choices, we can't do it. Hence my question to you about bank robbing.

No, Dom/mes don't like being hit. That's why they're dominant. But that doesn't mean they like hitting anyone, to any level, under any circumstances. I am a sub, so I like submitting. But that doesn't mean I want to, or even can, submit to just anyone. Far from it. And as my Dom once said to me: without a sub, what's a Dom?

When it comes to extended spanking, I expect it's an extension of how my Dom and I usually do it. It's not just mad banging for hours on end at the same crazy pace. It starts gently and builds up. I do and wear things to get me into the mental space where I can take, and even want, more pain than I would normally. A form of hypnosis, if you will. And there are breaks, and ebbs and flows. You seem to think it's kind of cartoonish.

With regards to your question, which is too oversimplified to restrict to your answers, the issue is really in how the woman talks about it. Does she seem upset, does she seem unfulfilled, does she seem to have gone along with it because she was too scared not to? Or does she talk about her subspace feeling, does she seem content? That's what guides the answer. Do I seem distressed talking about my experiences? Do the others?

As for whether we have thought about this, in my case yes. I have an entire folder dedicated to the emails my Dom and I used to exchange about it in the early days when I was getting my head around it. If you like, I'll dig out a few short exchanges that might illuminate some things for you. (But probably won't.)

@AynRandTheObjectivist Although you'd probably prefer thorns

I did say pretend violence or pretend rape was fucked up. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Trigger warning: discussion of rape fantasy. Please do not read if this might distress you.

No, actual violence and actual rape are fucked up. Consensual role-play, which by its very nature is not 'actual', is something else entirely.

It may help to think of the rape fantasy (which is very common) as the overpowerment fantasy. Nobody actually fantasises about being forced by a repulsive man, being physically and mentally damaged, being unable to get away from a true horror.

A strong man who wants you and will get you, who knows what to do to you without being asked, who takes away the responsibility of having to think about it or drive it? That's rather different. Calling it the 'rape' fantasy gives it some edge, which is why people do it, but it's not accurate. It also allows women, in a safe, fantasy, consensual space, to take some feeling of power back in what would, in reality, be any woman's worst nightmare. And of course, the knowledge throughout that it is not real, and you can come out of it any time you like, which is precisely what's missing in an actual attack.

I suspect it will be a mistake trying to explain it, but I've done this much.

No thorns, Sarah - blood's a hard limit for me. Clothes pegs, on the other hand... :D

without a sub, what's a dom?

That to me is the ultimate difference between a violent person & a dom. A dom needs a willing sub. A violent prick needs a victim & will take without consent

BTW, I posted on the AMA about writing a BDSM novel. PM me if you'd like a linky :)

Yes please!

And me, please.

I don't understand the robbing banks comment.

Assuming you've never robbed banks, it's a question that can't be fairly answered within the narrow yes/no perimeters I gave you. Your own question also can't be fairly answered within the limits you gave.

As for interacting with your "Dom"my question was had people clarified with folks who loved and cared for them who weren't in the scene and whose interests it wasn't in to talk uou into this.

Eh...to an extent. It doesn't tend to come up much in conversation and as we've seen here, it can be very hard to explain to someone who just isn't into it. People who are into it can talk about it a lot (you may have noticed!) so I don't tend to feel the need to bring it up elsewhere.

As for my daughter, no there is no hint of abuse in her life. As such I'd eat my left foot if she decided she wished to be involved in this, that she needed to be hit, or humiliated to get off.

Of course I'm glad that your daughter has never been abused, and I hope she never is. But if she did enter a consensual, truly BDSM relationship at some point, that would not be abuse either.

Again, you're obsessing over the 'being hit' thing. It's just not a 'hitting women' thing. It's a sexual stimulation thing.

Humiliation is another kettle of fish (with some crossover) and I don't know if I've got the energy to start going into that. However, I will say that it's really about shedding inhibitions.

So sure, she may surprise me, and yes we have a close relationship, but no I don't think she will go there and as no abuse in her life, for me, I think that validates she won't.

You refuse to believe it, but interest in BDSM is very common, and lots and lots of people who enjoy it have never been abused. It's not as if there's no abuse history in vanilla relationships, is there?

Ultimately you are determined to believe that it really is as simple as 'liking hitting', and that any interest in it is always the result of abuse. Neither is true, but if you won't believe it, well, not much we can do about it. You don't have to do it.

Ayn, I do actually get what you're saying, and actually I talked about this to a friend tonight, an ex senior police officer, who isn't into that, but disagrees with my views. Why? He felt the whole hitting really hard thing was hugely over exaggerated as in his experience that was going to lead to broken bones and serious injury, his example was a cricket bat. So his view was it was mainly playing and the whole hitting thing was hugely over exaggerated for the audience.

So as such, I now come unstuck. Because when someone's says to me I was hit very hard with a heavy wooden implement, that the person hitting put their full body weight behind it, I do indeed see a serious assault with something like a cricket bat, something uou wouldn't be able to walk again afterwards, something you'd be hospitalised for.

I'm not a big woman but if I beat someone tied down with a heavy wooden implement really hard, they would be hospitalised. Their body would be broken.

So is this a game? Are people just exaggerating it? Was the op hit hard with heavy wooden implements for hours where the man in question had to swing his whole body to do it as she insinuates?

Because that can't have happened. She was all happy and packing for her return journey. No injuries there. No broken bones. She as all good.

So what is this? Some sort of weird game that people pretend that's what's happening to them, when actually it's as vanilla as it gets and it's just a game of make believe?

Because it must be. No one is hit really hard with heavy implements like that and walks away from it. No one.

If you were hospitalised, it has most definitely gone too far. Safe, sane and consensual. People have different tolerances, and different limits for things like bruising (I bruise so easily it would be almost impossible to make that a limit) but I honestly don't know anyone who thinks a trip to A&E or a plaster cast is the sign of a scene gone well.

The point is, the Dom/me takes care. There is no way a single blow should suddenly break a person's bones, which is why the Dom/me paces it, keeps a close look on the sub, their reaction and what's happening, and the whole thing takes an ebb and flow. My Dom, when caning, makes a point of varying the landing strike, and controlling the force of the blow. Most spanking videos I've seen (there will always be exceptions, sadly...that's the internet for you) are so incredibly controlled. Even when the spanker is going far beyond anything I'd enjoy, I can still see they are not actually pounding hammer and tongs, full body strength, every single strike.

I remember the very first spanking video I watched, as instructed by my Dom at the time, and my overwhelming thought was 'This is so CONTROLLED. The guy's not going crazy AT ALL.'

I really can't say what happened in the OP's scene. My guess, based on my experience and those that I know of, is that they probably started with a bit of stuff to get into the mood (help her get into her submissive headspace) and started gently and gradually built up. They probably took breaks between implements. (If nothing else, the Dom would get RSI!) Ebb and flow.

As it is, I don't think I could take it to the OP's level, but it sounds like she's more into pain and I'm more into submission. And I don't know, some people do long distance running for hours and hours. It hurts them, but they masochistically keep going, push themselves and then feel amazing afterwards...

Bluntness - if you really want to understand BDSM (and given that you have no interest I don’t know why you do) try the books I mentioned upthread.

One other small thing to add about erotica: we all fantasise about things we wouldn't want to happen in real life. In terms of erotic fantasy, we often need it to be more extreme to compensate for the fact it's not real, and help us to get off. That's why fantasies look odd sometimes, and may go some way to explaining why kinksters do sometimes exaggerate a bit....

Agreed that if you are hospitalised it has gone too far. Marks & bruises are one thing, but broken bones are excessive. But you can still give someone a good thrashing with an object without breaking bones

Bluntness - a cricket bat, no. But a paddle? I've had a paddle used until I've been fairly marked from it, as in bright red skin and outlines from the paddle. But again, a paddle can be an Ann summers one or a heavier wooden one
You need to be careful and experienced where you are doing it as well - not near the kidneys, fleshy areas
There's so much variation with anything from electro play to wax to clothes pegs. For me it's that "is it going to sting or make me orgasm?" "Is it a feather or a paddle?"
Like a rush of different sensations. Don't get me wrong, I can be vanilla all day long but if I'm given the opportunity...
and you don't go from 0-60, even when using a paddle you use a hand first etc etc

Hmm...

Interesting, is it not, that @Bluntness100 has insisted on being the dom of this thread.

To be honest it's not that I'm interested in finding out more about bdsm, I wouldn't read a book about it for example, I just find it a genuinely interesting discussion.

I think the reality was what the op posted, I saw as extreme. She told us she liked to be hit really hard, with heavy implements, that it went on for hours. She then tells us how the man has to take a really big full body swing to do it. With a heavy wooden Implement, if that was something like a cricket or baseball bat this would cause some damage. I would not classify a paddle as a heavy wooden Implement really. A heavy wooden implement would be something like a cricket or baseball bat.

It's why I'm seeing extreme violence, it's why I kept coming back to the hitting. Why I found it worrying. But there is a potential it's not that at all. It's more make believe and a game, and any hitting, as such, causes nothing more than a bit of a sting.

I genuinely don't know any more. As said, I saw violence that was disturbing in the op. My friend says it's very likely that was over exaggerated, and the ops follow up posts were all happy, so potentially it was .

I dunno. Not sure she is coming back.