I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

Some paddles are heavy tho. It depends what you buy. I guess it all comes down to perception. For example we don't use paddles because the sensation is too 'big' for me. I prefer things with smaller contact points. In comparison, a paddle is a pretty hefty object

I've never heard of anyone using a baseball bat or a cricket bat. OP said they generally use things that are intended for the purpose.

I definitely see why someone who's not into this would be alarmed by it. As someone who is into it, I can see that, while it's more pain than I could handle, it could be what some people need. Especially if they've been doing it for a long time, write stories about it, etc etc.

I actually like paddles. I like the wide spreading burn. Belts, I do not like, but I know lots of people do.

There's a technique to spanking too. Inexperienced people often strike too high. The sweet spot is lower down on the bum, and kind of upward.

I suppose a cricket bat could be similar to a heavy paddle? I don't know how heavy they are, I don't think I've ever picked one up!

Hairbrushes are good too, but you can only do one side at a time.

Also Bluntness, with regards to the 'play acting' part of it...when my Dom hand spanks me, he makes it sound very loud and dramatic but it's not actually as hard as it sounds. I feel it, sure, as an incredibly pleasurable pain, and the sound gives it an edge, but yes, there is definitely an element of 'dramatising' it, so to speak.

For us, anyway.

My opinion is that it is trauma re enactment in a perceived safe space, I think in a lot of cases it's just perpetuating previous abuse but because you feel in control you can re live it but feel safe as it were
It took me I long time to realise that but when I read about it it was like all the pieces falling into place, it's a feeling you're seeking not so much the sensation, the feeling of previous abuse but this time you're in control

It's not trauma re-enactment for me. I have hard limits in place to prevent anything that might remind me of my abuse. Plus, my submissive fantasies predate my abuse. I think about a lot of things in my sessions, but my father is not one of them.

I think people who always connect it to trauma focus on spanking and pain and have no idea how many other things D/s includes.

I am actually very well educated in it and also very experienced

I like to think I know a fair bit about it too, and I disagree with you. Especially in the case of my personal experiences.

That's ok , we're allowed to disagree, opinions are just that

Exactly.

As it happens, I'm sure there are cases of it being connected to trauma, although plenty of vanilla relationships are fucked up for similar reasons. (My parents' relationship was abusive too, thanks to my father, but I am as sure as I can be that it was vanilla.)

In my case, I'm very satisfied that it's entirely separate.

I mean this gently ayn, but from what you've described, you play act abuse. It's controlled and within your limits, but you act out an abusive relationship. Maybe not the same level of abuse your father perpetrated either, clearly, but abuse all the same. Being dominated, ordered about, punished etc, you're not play acting a healthy equal partnership by any manner of means.

There is nothing in our play that re-enacts the abuse i suffered. As with AynR i have hard limits in place BECAUSE i don't want to go there. I don't want the risk of flashbacks, of panic attacks, of being unable to control my physical & emotional reactions to something traumatic that almost ruined my life. When we play it is so far along the other end of the spectrum. Yes there is an element of being 'forced' to do things but these things are always agreed beforehand. DP & I have discussions regularly about what we do, what we enjoy, what we find difficult/harder to do; if one of us isn't comfortable with any element, we don't repeat it. I never got that choice when i was being abused. To say it is a re-enactment diminishes the impact of past abuse on a person imo

Bluntness I agree with everything you say, also it's not even the acting out of specific abuse, it's the feeling of it but being in control of it where you previously werent

It's not always connected to trauma though. I've never been abused in any way, never had a problem relationship, no violent relationships and I've been into this since age about 18/19

We will have to agree to disagree with that one. Plus how do you explain people who have never experienced abuse???
My first dabble in bdsm was a year before i was sexually assaulted, go figure

There will always be some people with abuse connections. That's true of BDSM, vanilla and everything in between. But the idea that any sort of domination or pleasure/pain play is always due to being fucked up is, in my opinion, lazy and misinformed.

One of the keenest people I ever knew had an idyllic childhood, never smacked even when that was widely acceptable.

My opinion is that it is trauma re enactment in a perceived safe space, I think in a lot of cases it's just perpetuating previous abuse but because you feel in control you can re live it but feel safe as it were

Er, what if you've never suffered any abuse of any kind, ever, but still like being whipped or caned? what's going on if there's no trauma to re-enact?

I mean this gently ayn, but from what you've described, you play act abuse. It's controlled and within your limits, but you act out an abusive relationship. Maybe not the same level of abuse your father perpetrated either, clearly, but abuse all the same. Being dominated, ordered about, punished etc, you're not play acting a healthy equal partnership by any manner of means.

No need to be gentle, Bluntness, I'm well aware of what you think. As I said, I repressed myself for a long time because I thought my feelings must be a fucked up response to my abuse. I cannot say that repression made me very happy.

You do not know what happened with my father, apart from the brief things I've mentioned. I do. You do not know what happens in my scenes. I do. You haven't met my father or my sexual partners. I have. You do not know what I was like after my father had been abusing me, or what I'm like after I've been dommed well. I do.

Domination is not abuse, and if I haven't explained that well enough by now then I think I'll have to give up, and you're just going to have to take my word for it. Ordered about, well, yes, but I consent to it and I have my safe word if he were ever to order me to do something that would be damaging (I have only ever used it once, and it was immediately respected). He also only ever orders me to do things that will ultimately bring me pleasure.

'Punishment' is a complex concept within BDSM, but I assure you, it's all done with pleasure ultimately in mind. It may help to think of it more in terms of asserting our dynamic, and since I have an urge to be submissive, it works for me.

Orders and punishment are really only one part of the full world of BDSM. TMI alert (sorry, but I don't know how else to explain this without giving examples). A huge part of our play is CMNF (clothed male, naked female - it exists the other way round as well). My Dom is hugely into that. So an awful lot of the time, we're not actually doing anything very exciting, might even just be chatting or having tea. It's just that he's got his clothes on and I haven't. Shibari - a form of Japanese rope bondage which is actually more about creating patterns and pressure on the sub's body than restraint - is another.

I cannot sit here and tell you there is never ever any abuse connection within BDSM relationships. I can't tell you that about vanilla relationships or professional work relationships either. Humans are complex and contradictory and all different.

All I can tell you is that, if done properly - with consent, with mutual satisfaction in mind, with true power exchange - BDSM is not abuse. If consent is violated, if one partner's fulfilment and pleasure truly doesn't feature, then it is simply not BDSM.

Ayn, I said it was play acting abuse in that post responding to you. Not actual abuse, play acting, that you were both not acting out an equal partnership, you were acting out an abusive one. And as said, not within the same parameters, but play acting an abusive one all the same. Neither of you are modelling an equal partnership in these scenes from what I can understand.

I'm happy to be corrected on that.

I know what you said, and I've tried to explain why it's not. The whole point about abuse - the whole thing that makes it abuse - is that it's not consensual, and it's done with absolutely no thought to the victim's wellbeing, in fact might even be intended to damage them. When there's consent, and it's about fulfilling both parties, and there is love and care and tenderness in it, it's something else.

Nothing I do play acts out my abuse experiences. I have limits in place to stop that happening.

Inevitably you're going to draw parallels between the fact that in both situations, I get struck. But to me, that's like drawing a parallel between an artful fencing sequence and a drunken bar room punch up. They're both combat situations, right?

Bluntness - why do you keep leaping to false assumptions? Firstly it's physical abuse and now it's play acting. You know fuck all about the subject and refuse to educate yourself yet you're happy to post your (frankly) insulting and ignorant theories about people's lives and relationships.

Trying reading this - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

The Wiki page is informative but I think it's more likely to scare people who are still just wrapping their heads around it. On the other hand, some of the old engravings show just how old this stuff is. Shibari is ancient.

I can't believe I've got interested in a thread about bondage etc . It is not my scene at all. TBH I hadn't really given it to much thought but having read the thread and mulled things over I still have misgivings about it all. While I can easily accept that many of the individuals involved due it simply because they enjoy it I worry about the message that it gives out that many women (mainly women right?) secretly enjoy rough sex and that they want their man to be forceful. Isn't that what a lot of men want to hear? I don't think I could get off having sex in a situation that involves someone being rough or domineering even if it's consensual. It still seems like pretend violence and rape. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Why home in on this violent/dominance aspect of make believe when there must be a million other ways to introduce fun and imagination into sex. Obviously it NOT the fault of anyone who enjoys consensual BDSM if anyone else chooses to use their enjoyment of it as a green light for them to be violent but I still find that the mere thought that it could would turn me off completely.

I do get the pain/pleasure thing but surely that could be introduced in a far less unsavory way.

To sum up - I wouldn't want to be involved in anything that helps give credence to women liking forceful sex (rape?) . I find it creepy and oddly old fashioned.

I refuse to watch Poldark after the scene where he forces himself on to an unwilling Elizabeth who then changes her mind and I also refuse to watch GOT for the same type of crap.

Any man that assumes all women want forceful sex without having that conversation is a prick. It's as simple as that. There are men who don't enjoy bdsm, the same as women.