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I spent Monday morning at a BDSM dungeon. AMA

338 replies

DukeOfBurgundy · 12/07/2018 10:21

Anything about BDSM-y stuff, really.

I'd probably describe myself as a sub. Although I'm mostly a masochist. I just like being spanked with stuff really hard.

The "dungeon" was exclusive use for me and my boyfriend from 10-2. Had a lovely time. It's the second time we've been there.

I've done BDSM "clubs" a few times. But I don't get anything from exhibitionism/voyeurism. Just enjoyed the spanking benches etc. Much prefer having the equipment all for our own use.

Ask me anything.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 09:39

No knot tying here, you asked we answered. You don't get the scene, you don't like the answers, that's fine. But making out still that we're messed up - which despite your protests is what you're doing - is nonsense. You have nothing to back up the idea that all subs are broken or vulnerable.

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 09:51

@Bluntness100

Why are you so invested in other people's private lives? Don't you think it's deeply condescending and uninformed to describe something you don't understand and have no interest in as 'fucked up'? Why don't you tell us all about your relationship so we can tell you what you're doing is wrong???

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 09:58

Ok I get the defensiveness, however this thread was started as ask me anything and it's a public forum so opinions are to be expected, even if you really really don't like them. And I get why you don't like them.

If I wished an opinion on my relationship I'd ask or I'd tell people about it. But no my husband doesn't hit me, he never has and if I asked him to, the man would be horrified and not do it.

Whether you accept it or not, the bottom line is being beaten hard by your partner, is messed up. There is simply no two ways about it. No matter how much you love it, how much you defend it, how much you make it your norm, it's fucked up. The people who are living their lives like this, are so far into the weeds they simply can't see it anymore. Or they can and don't want to admit it.

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 10:14

Thankfully opinion doesn't equal fact in the real world. If you have never tried something your opinion is very sheltered anyway.
The thread was ask me anything...not try & impart some psychological opinions masquerading as truths. So you STILL making out we are all sorts of fucked up kind of goes against the aim of the thread anyway.

To me, anybody who has a 'vanilla' relationship is missing out. I can't imagine a sexual relationship where the biggest excitement is deciding who goes on top...but many enjoy that basic sex life. Live & let live, me playing d/s with dp doesn't impact on anybody else; if you met me in real life you wouldn't have an inkling that i was into bdsm.

Ollivander84 · 18/07/2018 10:19

Bluntness - no abuse here, and parents happily married for over 40 years. I enjoy vanilla but I also enjoy some submissive stuff

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 10:21

"Whether you accept it or not, the bottom line is being beaten hard by your partner, is messed up. There is simply no two ways about it. No matter how much you love it, how much you defend it, how much you make it your norm, it's fucked up. The people who are living their lives like this, are so far into the weeds they simply can't see it anymore. Or they can and don't want to admit it."

In your opinion

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 10:38

As said, I get the defensiveness, and I've no question about the softer stuff.

But no, it's obviously not just my opinion, I think in the overwhelming majority of people's opinions being hit really hard for hours on end, with very heavy implements is going to be perceived as messed up and disturbing.

I also think the people engaged in this know it. Deep down they know it's all kinds of messed up, they just can't face up to it or know how to extract themselves from it, or even start to heal from what's causing them to want their partner to beat them in this manner, to abuse them, to humiliate them.

swimlyn · 18/07/2018 10:43

BDSM works both ways for consenting males and consenting females, so, Bluntness, try changing ‘he’ to ‘he/she’, and ‘men’ to ‘men/women’ within your voluminous posts.

It might make you think, but I doubt it…

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 11:17

I have thought, very clearly I have, and I've also addressed the Male female thing,

Thought provoking is a two way street. It's not just I need to think and anyone engaged in this shouldn't. They should just knee jerk my comments away.

So I'd urge the people involved in this, the next time you find yourself naked, bound, being hit, being abused, being humiliated, just think about it. You don't need to tell anyone on here, but really think about what your life has become and what is happening to you, about why you permit this. And why you think it's not fucked up.

Then even test your partner, tell them seriously you won't be involved in it any more, you don't want to be hit anymore. How do they react, immediately and over the coming days and weeks when it becomes apparent you mean it. Do you think they will stay with you? Really? Again, it's not for us to know, just for you.

So yes, I have thought, but thinking works for both sides.

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 12:17

Clearly missed my post about that Bluntness. We went from having sessions at least every other night - no exaggeration - to doing absolutely no bdsm play whatsoever for almost 9 months. Well, nearly 10 now as we still haven't. Because I didn't want to. Funnily enough i'm still with dp, he hasn't buggared off to find a new play mate, we are still as close & as loving as ever we just don't play. So your theory that he is with me because i let him dominate me is crap in our case. We can & do have 'vanilla' sex...we just prefer the kink.

Just as a side note, you saying other people share your views on bdsm still doesn't make it fact. Many people share my views on it too funnily enough!

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 12:21

Oh & before you read my 'i didn't want to' as anything else...my pregnancy hit me harder this time than it did previously, i didn't even want to eat let alone think about sex. I am itching to get the whole post partum bleeding thing out of the way so i can jump dp's bones & we can play again.

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 12:24

I wasn't being specific to one person, I was asking in general must be, my post isn't aimed at any individual. Honestly. And I was also not giving an answer.

And I'm no one and I'm everyone, I could be your sister, your mother, your best friend. I asked the questions, I listened carefully, and I gave an opinion.

I'm just asking those involved to think about it. Carefully. And before anyone says I have thought about it,,is that just in your own head? With the person who hurts you? Others in the community?

Or did you ask your mother, your sister, your best friend? Tell them what you were doing, about what was happening to you?

And if not, why not? Because they wouldn't understand? Or because they'd understand all too well? Because you'd be ashamed? Because they would pity you?

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 12:34

No, but i am one person who your rule doesn't apply to. Which means it isn't a set rule.
My mum knows me & dp are into rougher stuff, she doesn't care as long as i am happy. Why should i be ashamed to tell her?? Me & my mum have always had a very open relationship about sex! In her words 'it isn't for me but if you two are happy who cares?'

You are desperately trying to get some of us who enjoy bdsm to say 'oh wait, you're right, it's barbaric & i actually hate it' but it won't happen. Accept that your opinion is just that. You are entitled to it, but it doesn't make you right. As many posters on here have shown, the assumptions you make about who we would tell, our partners only being with us for kink, us all being broken & vulnerable...are often incorrect. You don't like bdsm, we get it. Helpful tip...don't try it then!

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 12:37

I've also had the discussion with friends. One flat out told me it was something that scared her. Fair enough. Several admitted the idea intrigued them but they weren't brave enough to even discuss it with their partners - similar to the head over body thing i mentioned when i first started out. The surprising thing? Two of my mates also engage in bdsm & had some great recommendations for where to buy new toys. Go figure.

Would i tell my DDs teacher? My priest? The lady at Tesco? No, but not because i'm embarassed by the bdsm aspect. I don't tend to tell the above about my sex life in general...my priest would probably condemn me anyway cos i have 2 kids out of wedlock so i'm onto a loser straight away!

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 12:50

From Psychology Today:

The Surprising Psychology of BDSM
Who does it, what do they do, and how does it affect them?
Posted Feb 05, 2015

By Brad Sagarin, Ph.D., guest contributor

“A pervert is anybody kinkier than you are.” (Wiseman, 1996, p. 23).

The novel Fifty Shades of Grey introduced BDSM into polite public discourse. Since its publication, hallowed papers such as the New York Times have published articles on bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Harvard University now hosts a student group for undergraduates interested in consensual S&M. And Cosmo’s sex tips have taken a distinctly kinky turn.

With the Fifty Shades movie now coming to theaters, it seems like a good time to take stock of what we know, scientifically, about BDSM: Who does this stuff? What do they do? And what effects do these activities have on the people who do them?

  1. How many people are into S&M?

According to researchers, the number likely falls somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. That’s right: Somewhere between 2 percent and 62 percent. A pollster who published numbers like that would be looking for a new job. But when you’re asking people about their sex habits, the wording of the question makes all the difference.

On the low end, Juliet Richters and colleagues (2008) asked a large sample of Australians whether they had “been involved in B&D or S&M” in the past 12 months. Only 1.3 percent of women and 2.2 percent of men said yes.

On the high end, Christian Joyal and colleagues (2015) asked over 1,500 women and men about their sexual fantasies. 64.6 percent of women and 53.3 percent of men reported fantasies about being dominated sexually—and 46.7 percent of women and 59.6 percent of men reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually. Overall, we can probably conclude that a substantial minority of women and men do fantasize about or engage in BDSM (Moser & Levitt, 1987).

  1. Are they sick?

For Freud, the answer was a clear yes: Anyone interested in S&M was in need of treatment—treatment that, by fine coincidence, he and his contemporaries were qualified to provide.

But recent research tells a different story.

Pamela Connolly (2006) compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the normative samples, BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia. (They showed equal levels of obsessive-compulsive disorder and higher levels of dissociation and narcissism.)

Similarly, Andreas Wismeijer and Marcel van Assen (2013) compared BDSM practitioners to non-BDSM-practitioners on major personality traits. Their results showed that in comparison to non-practitioners, BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being. Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity. The one negative trait that emerged? BDSM practitioners showed lower levels of agreeableness than non-practitioners.

(my bolding)

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 13:04

You are desperately trying to get some of us who enjoy bdsm to say 'oh wait, you're right, it's barbaric & i actually hate it' but it won't happen

I'm genuinely and absolutely not. I know without one shadow of a doubt those that engage in this will go out of their way to say it's not fuckrd up, to justify it, to tie theirselves in knots trying desperately to do so.

And as for data, we can all google research and post it. But remember we are not talking about bdsm as a wide category, and as a category it is indeed wide, we are talking extreme stuff, being beaten hard for long periods with heavy objects, through to drawing blood. I'm not talking the softer end, I'm talking about the hard core stuff the op posted and always have been.

LadyFairfaxSake · 18/07/2018 13:13

Bluntness,
Your opinion is not fact, irrespective of how long or how loudly you insist that it is.

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 13:18

"And as for data, we can all google research and post it"

Go on then.

"But no, it's obviously not just my opinion, I think in the overwhelming majority of people's opinions...."

Name them.

Bluntness - I'm not trying to change your mind (you've not shown any inclination to accept your opinion might be just that - an opinion) but please stop labelling ordinary people who happen to enjoy all levels of BDSM 'fucked up". It's insulting.

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 13:19

The only person tying themselves into knots here is you Bluntness. Spectacularly so too

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 13:22

The words 'i think' in any sentence also show it is your OPINION you are stating. If you said 'research shows' or even 'a poll done by x suggested' then you would carry far more weight. Otherwise you are stating your OPINION & nothing else.

My opinion is that vanilla is dull as fuck. Does that mean everybody who only participates in it has a shitty sex life? In my head maybe...but i reckon the people involved don't agree. The beauty of having an opinion

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 13:31

If you say so bluntness! Enjoy your 'normal' relarionship, if it makes you happy that's what counts. I will continue to enjoy my 'fucked up' fun safe in the knowledge nobody can interfere & stop me doing so 😊 have a good afternoon

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 13:32

Oh FFS. Please pass me a ball bag!!

Sarahlou63 · 18/07/2018 13:32

gag - not bag LOL!

mustbemad17 · 18/07/2018 13:36

Hey, you could have fun with a ball bag Sarahlou63 😂

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