Anal sex

[feelinghothothot]

Any real advice on how to enjoy this without biting the pillows? I've tried it a couple of times but I know dp would love to do it more. I'm also keen to get into it. Lube, toys - can someone steer me right?

MF, what you are talking about is what happens in a mutually agreed, equal, non-coercive relationship

that's lovely

but let's be realistic here

certain people have pushed the boundaries since time immemorial and will continue to do so

let's not make it easier for them by saying stuff like "everything is on the table"

I really think there's some massive point-missing going on. the 'table' is the fact that these things are possible, the potential to do them is there with most other human beings out there assuming the correct genitalia are there, and available for me to choose from. It has absolutely nothing to do with consent, the acts still exist whether individuals like them or know about them or not. As we can't instantly mind-read when we meet someone and consent is the way to go about things you then start finding out what your particular partner will or wont do.

The blokes I know who go on and on about anal are invariably arseholes.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

well I am in the context of this discussion, and talking specifically about young people venturing into the sexual world as a whole, or meeting a new partner - everything's possible whether its on a table, under the table or tied up in a sleeping bag under the stairs, and my idea is to give them the facts in a calm way which admits that anal is a normal part of a hetero relationship and here's how to do it well. You might not like it, you might not want it, the same as any other sexual act.

OP I'll just echo the others who have said don't bother if you're not keen.

I am not an anal sex enjoyer, I have done it but it was against my wishes.

I have a teenage DD and I've told her that it isn't universal, lots of people do it but equally lots don't, and it isn't necessarily part of a sexual relationship.

with respect, MF, it is you that is "missing the point"

but hey, you are entitled to your opinion

I think that it comes back to sex education it needs to respond to the fact that kids and young adults are seeing stuff that was previously considered extreme without seeing the background/ preparation behind the films and without the lessons and knowledge of experience

hmm2, exactly - at the moment we have this weird scenario where they're being exposed to it, but only in a very 'narrow' way. we need to open it up rather than try to sweep it back under the rug, IMHO. I think more info = better choices.

I've tried to explain AF, sorry I can't make it any clearer for you.

Agree hmm2 and just what I was thinking.

I would be up for having a go at lots of stuff with DH but I've got 25 years shagging under my belt and am with someone I trust and etc

The time spent building up to the more tricky stuff, is being eroded. And that's a problem, isn't it. I mean some people were always v experimental and up for whatever when young but many/most people like to get the hang of the more straightforward stuff and build confidence and take it gradual. Now I think maybe it's porn has put everything "on the table" from the get-go. Whereas in the good old days maybe you didn't even know about that table over there until you'd been about the place for a bit IYSWIM.

Having said that, there will always have been men and boys who knew about the other table and pushed from the word go but I guess it's easier for the sake of this conversation to leave abusive scum out of it because they haven't changed have they. It's the behaviour and expectations in bog-standard encounters / relationships that are changing.

"The time spent building up to the more tricky stuff, is being eroded. And that's a problem, isn't it."

Yes, this.

I am assuming 'bog standard relationships' feature consent? If so, what is the issue, whether its PIV, anal or pooping on faces? some people stop at PIV, some stop at anal, and some are happy to poo on a face - who gets to decide where to stop?

I'm happy to accept that where i draw the line maybe isnt where everyone else does, and think that non-porn education on all of it will help people make their mind up more efficiently.

I know you have, MF, so we will have to agree to disagree I guess

Not to worry. Your views are much more mainstream than mine. Which you might have gathered, is not a good thing in my book.

I cannot believe some posters are equating the risks of anal with the risks of PIV. The anus/rectum was not designed to have a penis inserted into it regularly. That's why the walls are thinner than a vagina (increasing the risk of tears and therefore transmitting STIs), it doesn't self-lubricate as well as a vagina and it can be painful because the anal sphincter is designed to stay tightly closed! PIV sex should normally cause no injuries as the vagina is designed to accommodate a penis.

Yes it can be pleasureable, as is the stimulation of many other, non-sexual body parts, but that doesn't mean it should be normalised in my view. It should remain a niche activity to be enjoyed with someone you feel safe with. The risks are far higher (as working in a hospital that deals with the resultant injuries will show you!)

I have enjoyed it occasionally myself in the past but the idea that teenagers are being led to believe that this is normal sex really worries me. As someone said upthread, the rise in popularity of anal is due to porn, much of which shows it to be a degrading act that a woman must endure.

FGS OP, if you have to bite your pillow to get through it, just give up! Stop trying to be a 'cool girl'!

I accept that, I just don't think your views, or mine, on whats good or not should inform what is generally considered 'normal' or not as thats what creates a coercive sort of situation - I think everyone should have free access to impartial information about any sexual act between consenting human adults and not feel shame, so they are equipped to make their own choice.

surely PIV (and other 'lesser' acts) should only be enjoyed with someone you feel safe with?

Totally agree, Rink

MF "I am assuming 'bog standard relationships' feature consent? " I was specifically talking about teens / people starting their sexual relationships in that post.

And for a variety of reasons consent in sexual relationships between younger people is (and always has been) a bit problematic. Persuasion AKA coercion is and always has been very much the norm, teens are trying to push boundaries, they want to try stuff, they don't always think about or really understand consequences, they can be extremely reckless & so on.

So the idea that anal and deep throating for example are now "on the table", with "how to do it" learnt through porn, for the average pair of 15yo trying stuff out, it does give me pause, yes. Because they are tricky things, that most people didn't used to try until they'd been round the block a few times IYKWIM.

cowbag thank you for that. My mum is a nurse and goes absolutely mad about the people who have colonic irrigation and anal sex because, fundamentally, the anus is designed for things to come out not in. Doctors and nurses see serious damage in that area.

I despair because one of my friends just took her 20 yr old dsd to the doctor with an infection she'd picked up from sex. They talked at cross purposes for a while until my friend realised she meant anal sex. My friend was and her dsd laughed at her because that's such a part of sex for her and her mates. This is a generational change and expectation that is v troubling.

people are getting way too hung up on the table, it was just an expression for the potential to perform any sex act out there, which most people have, genitalia and physical ability allowing. When you meet a new partner - all that potential is there, you don't know it isn't until you as and they tell you either way. it could be a cup, let's say it's the 'cup of potential' upon meeting a new partner.

i'm officially burning the table.

the reason i'm making this point is that I do think people are disagreeing with me - someone's come here wanting to make a go of anal, and a few have said 'stop trying to be the cool girl' and other such stuff, which makes you feel like it's dirty or shameful or just an act to like anal. i'm here saying i dont think that's right.

The mixed messages about sex we all receive now especially through the media combined with the overreaching sense of urgency and idea of missing out that seeps through everything in life these days Really affects patience and willingness to learn over time and have the confidence to say What they want or don't want as they learn about themselves and their bodies. Knowledge is power as they say but unfortunately I'm not sure any govt is going to have the will to do what's needed