Anal sex

[feelinghothothot]

Any real advice on how to enjoy this without biting the pillows? I've tried it a couple of times but I know dp would love to do it more. I'm also keen to get into it. Lube, toys - can someone steer me right?

For what it's worth, I would like to say as someone in the anal-sex-is-normal-and-expected generation, that I'm glad there are women who are out there saying you don't have to do it if you don't want to and that can be the end of it.

So thank you bertrand et al.

Felix75, you can absolutely say NO to anything you don't feel comfortable with. And if the person asking does not accept that, then they don't really care about you and you're better off without them.

Women have been saying 'no' to sex (in one form or another) since time began for a variety of reasons. For my generation it was fear of gaining a 'reputation' and/or fear of pregnancy that made most of us say no to pretty much anything 'below the waist'. My mother told me that the correct answer to a man saying "If you loved me you would…." is always "If you loved me, you'd take no for an answer".

I haven't read the whole thread, but keys to enjoying it IMO -

1. plenty of lube
2. relax muscles like you would when doing a poo
3. clitoral vibrator or
4. try different positions - missionary anal can be romantic

It's not everyone's cup of tea though, we used to do it quite frequently and now it's hardly ever.

I have a daughter too, and I hope that she doesnt feel weird for liking it up the bum and that she can say no to that, or a bj, or PIV or whatever else might come up in her sex life. Its not for me to decide whats in the normal or expected 'category', I want her to be informed and ready for it all, and then to enjoy what she picks having been given the tools to do it properly.

why should anal be expected? what else shouldnt? genuinely finding it a new and strange concept that some things are a some things arent - when I meet a partner, everything's on the table until they take it off surely? And you work it out between you, because everybody's different.

why shouldnt anal*

woah woah woah, I'm assuming consent is gained beforehand with anything, as with normal vanilla sex, never ever did I argue for just trying it out and seeing what happens!

ah ok this seems glass half full/empty. For me, the table's full of everything human beings can possibly think up to do with their bodies. Then you tick them off, via getting consent or not (possibly not verbally, don't get me wrong). Some you never look at or consider, but they're all possible, until the other person says no, obvs.

when I meet a partner, everything's on the table until they take it off surely

That's a rapist's charter you got, right there

Well, no! When you meet someone nothing's on the table until they put it there. That's how acquaintances turn into friends and lovers in the first place. You don't go and smog strangers on the street now, do you? The default position is always that something's not on, surely?

Consent doesn't necessarily have to mean that you ask outright and the other party replies 'I hereby affirm that I consent to partake in this sexual act with you as my partner'. Unless you're into lawyer role playing, I suppose.

Fortunately most people are quite obvious when they enjoy what you're doing. If they're not it might be a good time to ask (a quick 'do you enjoy it like this?' or 'should I continue?' will really do).

It's not rocket science really !

Snog strangers, obviously! Unless you have some serious BO issues!

Anal sex is not perverse, neither is vaginal sex. What is perverse is people feeling coerced into a sexual act they feel reluctant to experience, and the partner being aware of their aversion and doing their best to override this.

what the heck? how does asking consent (verbally or not) first make a rapist?

from my POV everything is on the table, because these acts exist, it's my job to select which I might want to do, and find out which my partner does or does not want to do. there's nothing wrong with that.

but, my point remains - for people who are really ill informed because of a tendency to sweep stuff like anal under the carpet and dismiss it as not what nice heterosexual folk do, at best they'll be missing out, at worst they're going to blindsided by stuff miraculously appearing on this table that they never knew about, and they're going to leave themselves open to their rapey partners feeding them BS about what everyone else is doing or not and start to feel the pressure.

I'd like youngfolk to be taken through all the stuff on the table in a calm, informative, non-judgemental way so they're equipped to either enjoy or refuse.

no rink rash - but if i wanted to poo on someone's face the potential is there with every new partner until I say 'hey, mind if i poo on your face?' and they say 'nah thanks pal'.

if i did it anyway, that'd be rapey for sure.

MF, some rapey types would take your statement "everything is on the table" absolutely literally

have to be sooooo careful about the language we use

you know what you mean, I know what you mean

but anything that leaves it open for a sexual abuser to say "I thought everything was on the table" is dangerous

to finish what I was saying, it leaves the issue of any abuse suffered at the door of the abused for not "taking it off the table" instead of rightly where it belongs

plays right into victim blaming, that one

but it's true - all sexual acts exist and it's down to individuals to say yes or no to whatever might come up. that some people don't bother about consent changes nothing, theyre going to do that anyway because theyre twats. the important thing for me is that people can make informed choices and not feel shame about liking something or getting info on it.

not really because things being on this notional table does not eliminate the need for consent, i assumed gaining consent was a given for anything, surely nobody disgrees with that?

I know where you're coming from motherfluffer! As in, no harm in asking, as long as it's a genuine question to which a no thanks is no problem, and a bit of experimentation if everyone's up for it. That was how I took it anyway.

And also the comments about anal being particularly "dangerous" eg (sorry to pick this comment out there were a few and this one is handy) "Of course I agree that there are health implications to PIV sex too, but they are to do with sexual disease, which is an issue with any sexual contact at all. Anal sex carries specific health risks" well yes what about risk of PREGNANCY! Which carries pretty massive short term / long term / emotional harm risks IYSWIM.

The more I think about it the more I think my initial reaction to this was because it's something that wasn't really done when I was a girl it was blow jobs and PIV so I see these as "normal" and of course there was persuaion aka coercion and all the rest of it.

But of course PIV carries as many risks as anal really and BJs aren't a walk in the park if the expectation is extreme as again per what is being depicted in some porn.

So for me it's coming round to sex acts are what they are and people can and should try them if they like and not if they don't and so forth and the real PROBLEM here is what it's always been ie

• Females being "gatekeepers of sex" and something that males have to get them to give (persuasion coercion normalised)
• Expectation that it is normal for females not to enjoy sex acts (old as the hills in many cultures)
• Porn being available at younger and younger ages and so possibly (?) shaping "what sex looks like" for both boys and girls and giving incorrect ideas about how to do it / who gets what out of it / and etc
• I'm sure there's more

So the problem for me (as ever) is gendered roles around sex and sexuality, and problems around consent / taking no for an answer / coercion / "persuasion".

I don't feel I've got a handle on all this fully but that's where I'm at.

I wonder if it would help if somehow blokes could have an appreciation for the fact that things can hurt - in porn obviously any go slow bits are cut, the women have often numbed areas, and of course doing things that are likely to hurt in real life (and no doubt do to the woman they're being done to on film) is seen as part of the sexy fun. It's all a bit, well, it's not great is it.