My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Nitbhaving a phone will be a massive issue and source of bullying because you are making a conscious decision to make her different.

She will miss out on the social chats, involvement in the support network for homework etc. Yes there is a lot of crao but I check dd's ohone every 2-3 days and there has never been anything untoward. Mostly lost of YouTube videos of silly stints and genuine support with homework etc. My dd has a serious immune disorder and when she hasn't been at school other classmates (not necessarily friends) have dropped infonon work missed, checked in that she is OK etc.

If your dd has been subjected to bullying at primary please for her sake DO NOT make her a target at high school!

She will need a phone in Y7. This is partly a social thing but also very practical for journeys home.

Most kids will have similar shoes. I'd recommend a lace up rather than a Mary Jane style. The chunky T-bar style is also okay if it's still around! Don't buy shoes that aren't plain or made by Kickers.

"Play date"? "Big School"? You are talking to her as if she is five. Did she not have a "Shunt Up" (Transition) Day where she got to spend the day there and make friends?

Maybe organise your coffee morning as a meet-up? And don't expect kids to get on because they are the same age!

Make her realise that most students will be feeling equally awkward and misfits. There will be the perfect hair, born in Y7 kids but most will be feeling equally worried.

I know of a child who was not on social media and had a basic phone .she was constantly phoned and messaged at night time by 2 other girls who were supposed to be her friends they were bullying her and she was expected to reply within a certain time or there was a consequence for her at school the next day. It was going on months before she told her parents rhat was either year 6 or year 7

Our Manifesto share.google/doSQPZK6bdrcVV7qR

She will need a phone, all 3 my children complete all homework via the school app and see their lessons for the day on it.

To be honest getting her a phone will help her. High school kids will arrange meet ups via mobiles and a lot of social interaction is via video calls, group messages etc. You're risking her being socially isolated. If she is bullied, having friends to lean on would be a huge protective factor but she may struggle forming friendships without a phone. The children aren't going to bother going through their parents for friendships once they start high school. Primary school friends often drift too and move onto new groups.

Ive not read all the pages. I got sad and disheartened at the first three pages telling you to get her a smartphone. There are lots of parents who will stand by you and your daughter in not having a smart phone. If you havent already discovered them Smartphone Free Childhood has lots of resources and support for families who choose to abstain from smartphones for their children.

It is perfectly possible to have a smart phone without social media and either no internet or limited internet. Smartphone free childhood suggests a brick type phone for 11 year olds; it’s less restrictive than OP’s position.

I think Smart phone free childhood has lots of followers in primary schools, often of very young children who aren’t having to think about phones yet but want to feel virtuous. I’m sceptical that it has much impact in secondaries.

@Bootsybugs22 thanks for that link, this whole conversation is depressing me as well. It’s so sad that so many other parents just see smartphones as inevitable for an 11 year old child. I don’t even think my own smartphone use is particularly healthy (at the moment I’m procrastinating and putting off some work I should be doing!) as an adult who had no exposure to this type of tech as a child/teen (because I’m old not because my parents were old school). So so worrying that it’s just seen as what you need to do :(

@LittleBearPad I am hopeful (as a parent of a younger child) that it’s actually a signal that the tide is turning. Hopefully parents of younger children are seeing the risks and once enough brave parents follow through on it then it will be much easier for everyone else.

Big school...play dates?? At first I thought you were talking about a 4 year old going to primary school.
Just stop talking about it..stop organising things and making a fuss. They day will come, she'll get up and go in. Then youll take it from there.

Have you not heard how you can block people 😅. That includes bullies.....

At 46 I have yes 🤣 ... Year 7 kids who have never had a phone before may not know how to and they dont always tell an adult they are being bullied!

I would seriously consider if her not having a phone is a hill you want to die on. She will be the odd one out without honestly. There are ways that you can limit and closely monitor what she is doing and seeing - including messages. Did she have a say in the shoes you got her?

That type of bullying is going to happen whether or not a child has phone. That needs reporting to school and police. Not having a phone does not stop bullying behaviour. I personally do not let my child have a phone in their room at night and there are apps whereby you can monitor everything happening on a phone. There is no need for a child to be left unsupervised with a phone. The bullying is not due to the phone. The phone was used for bullying to access the girl due to lack of supervision and parental controls.

It isn’t and it won’t - peopl3 will however hopefully actively manage their children’s phone access. Part of being a parent is teaching your child about phones, social media and the internet. Refusing a phone completely is the easier option.

Speak to the headteacher they might be able yo make a few good buddies that do not have a phone to be with he/she

@LittleBearPad

I think luckily there’s been much more publicity and awareness around the dangers recently so it’s definitely possible. Even just a few years ago most of my friends were posting photos of their children on their own social media platforms and I’ve seen a massive reduction in that in the last couple of years. When I first made the decision never to post pictures of my child on social media I thought it would seem very against the grain. Little did I know that many others with children born at the same time were planning to do the same! Now it seems the majority of children my daughter’s age are not being posted on parents’ social media. Things do change. Time will tell 🤷‍♀️

I totally agree with this.

I still remember vividly waiting for the bus on my first day at secondary school. Not one of my primary school friends were going to the new school. I stood there in my Clarks black leather lace ups - and an older girl joined me in her white patent stiletto, sling back kitten heels! I was mortified! Thankfully I can't remember being bullied.

Posts like yours I am sorry to say just sound naive and so out of touch with reality. Most of their homework is done digitally these days. The phone is absolutely needed educationally - in the same way a maths calculator is needed. Or do you not allow those either and only allow a wooden abacas?

Goodness me, all of these parents of younger children seem to think a phone is the devil’s spawn (which it is in fairness for young dc) and the use of phones by young people will be reversed. It really won’t. They are essential, and a part of life now.

I think it's you that needs to adjust.

My daughter's "big" school had the y6'slearning how to manage phones ready for y7.

Get her a phone. if you're THAT worried get a contract with something like the EE Safer SIM. I'm an IT person. We all have higher end Samsung phones, and my daughter has Google parent settings on her mobile and Microsoft family on her laptop for time management and app knowledge. And Life360 for safety when walking to and from school, and when she goes into town on her own by bus (they do tend to start doing this by end of y7. She going to change and go up quick be prepared for it.

The kids message mostly by WhatsApp and Snapchat. She won't have Snapchat and Tiktok until I'm happy I can get the settings for her safety just right. But I did what we do with clueless adults in I.T. I taught her safety, awareness and what to do IF. It's 100 times safer than saying you can't and they do stuff unsafely behind your back. My daughter also knows until 18 I have the right to do mobile safety check on messages, photos etc.

TBH her quickest route to bullying at high school. Your language and handling. It's big school when they go to school at 5 from nursery. She's 11 and going to high school. She's going to hang out with friends not have play dates. Play dates stop about 7 years old.

You need to adjust to be the mum of a teenager now. Be there, supportive, listening ear, safety rules (not over the top), the occasional nag. but the key phrase is I can help if you need it, but it's ultimately your responsibility. This applies to homework, having things ready, knowing about things like letters for trips etc etc. Most high schools now have parent apps for info like homework, topping up food credit etc etc. If not she needs to manage what she wants re packed lunch vs canteen food. Give her budgets, get her equipment. Spending money for any local shop is useful. It a normal part of walking hone with friends if you have a shop that lets the high school kids in it straight after school. Then just let know your there if she needs advice. but she needs to manage herself. Let her walk to school orzdrop her nearby but please don't ve the mum shouting love you at the school gate. And these friends you've introduced her to. They could just as easily be in different forms, different lesson, different sets, different breaks etc depending on how the high school is. It's honestly best to leave friend making to them.

Why do you think a phone is actually “the devil’s spawn” for younger dc and not at all harmful for an 11 year old? At what age exactly does a phone go from being “devil’s spawn” to a useful tool essential for survival in the real world? Surely if you can see they are not great for younger children there are at least some risks for the older ones.

A phone is not “absolutely needed educationally in the same way a maths calculator is needed.” Most of the tools used by schools are available through web platforms and can be accessed using a normal computer, and use of these are far easier to monitor.

Of course I allow use of a calculator, as doing so presents no risks to my child’s well-being that I am aware of. That’s a silly comparison, don’t you think?

@nestingbirds depends on the school. DD's school issue all homework in homework booklets for the subject. Any computer based research they need to do doesn't need to be done on a phone. I'm always interested to hear people talk about their child's school like it's done that way in every school in the country.

It's also an equity issue, isn't it? Not all families have cash for smartphones -which get lost and stolen- and credit.

I think the phone thing would make me nervous. If I had to travel to a new place with just vibes, no Google maps etc I’d be worried. I could do it, but that’s because I grew up in the 90s but I’d be nervous. As it’s secondary school there is public transport involved I’m assuming? That’s a potential curveball, bus/train doesn’t turn up/is delayed etc what to do next. If her friends aren’t there when they say they will be because they are off sick etc. are they going to call the house phone to let her know, do you still have a house phone? How has she been doing when going to “play dates” has she seemed nervous going into town to meet them for coffee etc? Has anything happened on the way there to knock her confidence.