My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

I strongly recommend giving her a phone. I work in education and fully understand the potential downsides. However, she has already experienced bullying in primary school and, like every child, she wants to fit in. A phone will genuinely help her feel included. While some very confident children may manage without one, for your daughter it could make all the difference. Why risk making her social life more difficult than it already is, when such a simple step could ease her path?

I think she needs a phone really.Also can she not choose her own shoes? Did she have problems in primary. I expect all the kids will be nervous ,does she have other friends to talk to .Even if not going to the same school ,it will still help .

Old fashioned mums and shy daughters. I'd be preparing for home education

I think this is really good advice. Also. if she's anything like my DC.. they were so excited to have their first phone and ready to agree to rules etc.. but it was an excellent distraction and may give her the confidence she needs.. It also reassured me that they could call me on their journey home if they needed to..

Is the journey worrying her? Maybe have a trial run and a map in her pocket. I put enough for an emergency bus fair in their blazers and they were really happy abou tthat.

Also.. I know secondary school is rapidly approaching but maybe there might be too much focus on it?
Can you take her out for a distracting day out. Maybe see if some of her other primary mates might like to come along... and step back, let them interact. Don't talk about Big School..

Also put some things she likes in the diary - to do at weekends AFTER she's started so it feels like life won't end on the first day ( I know that sounds dramatic, but its about making her feel that things will really just carry on as normal even if she's at a different school) ...eg,,, What shall we do at half term.. what do you think? What about Halloween... To kind of take the emphasis off the first day and be looking ahead to fun times.

Also... you are both going to get to D Day and then the next day... and once that milestone has gone will be moving forward... so in a way, there's not many days to wait. Ask her what she'd like to do with the remainder of the holiday.

Best of luck to you and your DD OP x

@Suede82 how much are you letting your DD have an input on the style of shoes, bag and stationery she has for Year 7? It’s important to let her choose, things that she is comfortable with. I also feel that her not having a phone is a disadvantage; not least homework may be set on an app (for example Satchel:One and her timetables and behaviour points may be on there too). If you can get her a phone before her first day, I would do so and set it up so that online safety is a priority (lots of helpful information online!).

Your daughter is growing up, now is the time to listen to her needs, help her fit in and reduce as many of her fears and worries as possible. This will mean setting aside your own feelings (it’s so important that you don’t project) and help her to fit in as best you can.

Get her first day off to a great start with a special breakfast she has chosen, maybe practice a new hairstyle, an awesome packed lunch to look forward to and having a friend over for a sleepover at the weekend.

@FiveBarGate No he would not! Do you not think we got help in the past? Honestly. How did we ever survive! We lived rurally. You managed.

By the time I went to secondary school I was getting the bus into Liverpool alone and going round the shops. I never had the "right" uniform because my mother was skint. Everything came from the second hand market. I had to tough it up. It made me hard and sharp with money and things.

@Friendlygingercat Loads of us had a lot more confidence then. However we were able to tough it out and were resilient. Parents can smooth the way more now so in some instances should.

OP, Can I ask you a question? Is your daughter your first and only child? I ask this because you seem to treat her like she’s 5 and that can happen from lack of parenting experience. Get your daughter a phone, she needs one and will potentially be the only child in her year without one. It’s not hard to see why she feels so alienated and nervous. She’s probably feeling like the odd one out. And please stop using infantilising language like “big school”. Im not suggesting you compare, but meeting up with other parents would be a good thing for you, so that you can see how they speak to their children.

When I was at school I had a bus pass you could use on public transport at school commute times and paid cash at other times. My dc have to use an app or they can use a debit card but don’t get daily caps or a discount and it works out very expensive. The school changed their phone policy when the bus company changed from a card to an app.
There were phone boxes all over the place. We had a pay phone in school. My homework and timetable were written down with pen in my rough book - not on teams, email or an app. I didn’t have to submit anything online or listen to a podcast or watch a YouTube video.
Before phones if you said to your friend “I’ll meet you outside of McDonald’s at 6pm next Wednesday” then when you turned up they were there. People don’t behave like that anymore. If you wanted to arrange to meet on Saturday afternoon you phoned your friends parents landlines and spoke to them - now you message your group chat - and you keep on messaging until you are practically toe to toe at the third rearranged place and the forth rearranged time. If you are popular and have good friends they will still bother to phone your landline and include you but the group chat is the hang out space - if you aren’t there then nobody thinks to include you. There is not going to be a lovely group of kids who are going to meet on the first day, chat via messaging after school for a bit and then arrange something out of school and randomly include the OPs dd who they barely know and isn’t part of the conversation.
“Managing” without a phone in a world set up on the basis of everyone having a phone is a different ballgame to “managing” without a phone in the 1980s.

My kids will all be getting a phone the summer before they are starting secondary school. For one then i can keep track of where they are (via life360) especially as they will probably be walking and its dark in mornings and by after school time in winter, then they can also ring me or message me with any issues/emergencies.

She will be the odd one out without a phone i feel, maybe that adds to the anxiety?

Are none of her close friends going??

Anyone who lives nearby she can walk with??

Are you hyping it all up into too much of a big deal? I remember starting secondary school and i was scared and it sucked because my mum made me go to a school that none of my close friends were going to. Needless to say i was alone and got bullied. We moved away from the area for a year and when we moved back i said to her "you even think about sending me back to that school and i wont be going!" She sent me to the school my friends went to and i was much happier!

You need to sit her down and have a chat and actually listen to what she wants and why shes worried. Dont project your own feelings, just listen to her.

My daughter is starting year 7 and shes excited but we have had a few tears due to her anxiety and has been diagnosed with ASD. Everything is in place we attended ILP meetings and she had transitions days with the rest of the class.

We have had a few chats regarding independence and how she is responsible for being organised for school. Of course I'm always there for her and help her out like i do with my eldest DD, who's 12 and be in year 8 in September, but both understand that they will need to meet me half way also.

I also kept reminding and reassuring her that everyone will be in the same boat and everyone will be feeling very nervous but friendships will happen within the first few days and her teachers and supporting staff will be on hand to help.

As for the mobile phone suitatiton. I think if you monitor her phone useage she be fine. All the kids in the first week will exchange numbers. When my eldest started last year she couldnt wait to tell me she made friends and got their numbers. Throughout the year they have arranged meet up and helping each other out with homework. my youngest DD is constantly on the phone to her best friend. I can assure you, when they ask for her phone number to organise meet ups etc She is going to feel very awkward and ask you for a phone.

Agree with some of this and a year or two ago I would have agreed with your phone comments BUT almost everyone will have a smart phone in Year 7 (with parental restrictions put on the phone) and this young girl will not have access to all sorts of things school send out PLUS all the group chat that will make her feel one of the crowd.
Think how you would manage your friendship groups without a phone - almost impossible - what do you do write a letter??!!

Agreed , once they have smartphones the bullies have 24/7 access to a child .theres no getting away and home is no longer their safe place
Ive been through the whole secondary transition my eldest is 28 she had a phone because she had to get 2 buses to her school alone but it wasnt a smartphone back then
I have one just going into year 5 and shes been asking for a phone since yesr 2 as kids in her class had them back then
Ive said no phones till at least secondary

Okay. Well I'll accept that I'm a terrible parent for giving my child a phone then.

But in reality, I suspect most people wouldn't send their kids off over reasonable distances without one.

DD went in not knowing one person. She met loads of friends via sports/clubs/music. Tell your dd to get involved in as much as she can at the start, she can always drop things once she finds what she loves. At dd's school they were encouraged to try as much as possible with the idea they would eventually choose what they want to stick with.

I have specifically signed up for mumsnet to post this.

Please get her a phone, teens are mean and will 100% make life horrible for her purely for not having one, not a good start and will set her up for bullying and isolate her. How is she supposed to make friends and talk to them outside of school otherwise? If she finds a nice group they will definitely be talking on socials or messages and she will be behind on every single topic etc.

Yeah. I was confused by that phrasing too. I thought you were talking about a child making transition from preschool to school until I read the age. Agree with the others - just give her the phone. Maybe make it a bit of hard won compromise. It will be a lot safer and easier for her to have it. Could just be a very basic one without all the features and heavy with parental controls. She’s correct - very few children (if any others) won’t have a phone and she will stand out as different and not in a good way. Plus for safety and all the different things they do after secondary school, it will be really useful. Plus you can track their location from their phones too.

TBH she does need a mobile phone and will become more socially isolated if she doesnt have one. There are some changes around use of phones in schools i think but most kids have one from that age. With my DC he has it with lots of parental controls so it is safe. No social media. I now allow watsapp (the main contact with friends). He only really uses it for watsapp calls and messages with friends. Your parental controls will prevent any other apps being added without your permission. It is useful as a security feature also (re location apps).

Let her choose bag and shoes (within school rules of course). Having a phone and discussing these things with friends on her own phone would help her feel a bit more in control and less anxious. She probably feels cut off from the conversations (which she will be without her own phone). So I would relent on that and get her one asap is my best advice to you. But control it carefully with parental controls. No social media.

At my sons school the timetable is app based and pupil communication is also via app - ie on their mobile phones. School lunch payments via fingerprint tech linked to account. Some lessons require the pupils to use a mobile phone for learning - eg to access a padlet or look something up. So she will be the odd one out and possibly miss out on learning opportunities without one.

Schools are used to supporting nervous kids starting high school - lots of support and friendly supportive atmosphere. The main issue my DC had was finding rooms and the difference of going from room to room for lessons quickly. Once she has done it and been in for a few days it will get easier. But please - sort her out with a phone so she doesnt stand out like a sore thumb and get left out of the conversations.

I also clicked on this thread thinking it was about a DC starting reception. (I have DC about to start reception; I also have a DC about to start sixth form.) I understand the reasoning behind no phone, but please know this is highly likely to be a contributing factor for bullying and isolation. I do think it sounds like you’re babying her and being a bit overprotective/ controlling. As others have pointed out, there is a middle ground with phones. Also, please talk to her about the shoes - if she knows what she wants then get those, if she doesn’t but wants to fit in, then help her by figuring out what that looks like. Like it or not, fitting in and all the seemingly superficial things that go with that matter at this age. I always supported my eldest DC with their wish to fit in (phones, clothes etc) yet they have grown to care a lot less about ‘being cool’ than many of their peers and are very comfortable in their own skin.

You are talking about 2 different things.
The mobile phone itself is one thing.
Social media apps are another.
Simply having a phone does not give access to bullying on social media. Parental controls limit the harm / damage as you can ensure no access to social media.

I think it’s mean to withhold a phone and shoes, and highlights the op prioritising herself and her own ideas over the well being of her child.

A child needs to fit in with the pack - that’s how it works. If the pack communicate on chats, make plans and have fun together outside of school - which they all do - your child will be left out. Lacking in invites and this will really start to affect her.

If op insisted on things being her way for all of dd’s childhood it doesn’t really surprise me that the poor child is running into social issues. DD’s self confidence will be non existent as no one ever listens to her thoughts or feelings on shoes/phone etc etc, mother knows best all of the time, and she is a prime target as she stands out as a different for all of the wrong reasons.

I genuinely watched dc like this grow up, and it was painful to watch. They didn’t have any friends. Things got even worse as they grew older and made 11 year old rookie errors at 15 years old when others were far less understanding, they also became strangely addicted as it had been denied to them for so long. Their mothers also seemed to be the pushy bully types with very fixed ideas about things. Sad.

It is not ‘brave’ to withhold much needed items, it is selfish and small minded. Poor girl.

All the posts saying she must have a phone because other kids have phones, are exactly the problem with parenting in this country. Would rather have their kids exposed to harm than have a tough conversation with them. Terrible parents.

Bollocks

Did she have transition days?