My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

So your school do not use on line timetables, resources, sports fixtures, emails? Everything is done via a booklet and diary at secondary level? Where do you live? Maybe it’s not the U.K. all of our friends have similar set ups at school, many have continued using teams for example.

Lots of schools ban the use of phones within the school day. Indeed the latest Government guidelines encourage them to do so.

My DDs don't even take their phones to school regularly, as they don't need it for the journey and don't see the point.

Timetable is on paper.
They have Google classroom, but its accessed on school devices if needed during the school day.
Food payments is facial recognition.
Our area has physical tracelcards not digital.
The local shops accept cash. Buses accept cash.

They don't need a smartphone for school.

I would think she may need a smartphone, most schools now use timetable apps, homework apps, etc. At my DCs school they get given an email address of their own to communicate with staff and each other for projects.
Doesn't have to be the latest iPhone just a smartphone..

I don’t think schools should expect dc to have a smart phone. It’s definitely not policy to allow phones in school these days and they are locked away. Home computers can be used for downloading everything and getting emails. A phone should not be a requirement in y7.

The “right” shoes are important at this stage. My mother held the view what you looked like didn’t matter as long as clean and tidy.
i started and endured senior school in 1970 wearing Clark’s or maybe Startrite almost orthopaedic lace ups when every other girl bar one was wearing Dolcis. I was bullied mercilessly and dreaded each new pair as they would herald a new spate of horrid comments.

I think it’s vital to make this transition as smooth as possible. You can help her so much by providing the right apparel, a phone programmed as suggested by pp’s and stop arranging “play dates” however well meant.

In your school.

As has been pointed out, they vary a lot.

Ours sent instructions about what apps to put on their phones which suggested they expect them, although obviously not in lessons.

Catchment probably plays a large role. Ours draws from a big geographical area. Many get taxis to meet the school buses and are then travelling 30 miles through very rural parts of north Scotland.

I'm sure in cities some have multi connection journeys on train/bus.

The suggestion you walk the route and look at the phone boxes suggest very few people have tried using these in a long time. The only one we still have contains a defibrillator rather than a phone.

It's fine to make different choices depending on set up and commute and I think the 'its just idiotic parenting to let them have one' come from those who take their kids to school or they have a short walk.

But the point is it's about fitting in and it's good to work out what the norm is for the particular school.

They're available online (emails etc) through the parent platform, but yes, everything is paper and in a physical planner. They're expected to note fixtures and deadlines in their planners. And one wouldn't need a smartphone to access emails of course. The school say behaviour incidents have plummeted since they introduced this. If any phone is seen or heard it's confiscated for a week.

London so zip cards for travel. Food is on biometrics.

Most secondaries in the borough are operating on the same basis and are explicitly smartphone free. You can't say you're smartphone free and then demand they're used! School is open for a couple of hours every evening so computers and the library can be used.

The OP should check what's the deal at the school in question.

@Suchasonganddance Ditto!!! Mine were brown Startright sandals (buckle strap and star cut out) which were brown with light coloured soles. Except the uniform was black shoes for both indoors and out. So 2 pairs needed. These were my indoor shoes so DM dyed them black. I virtually never wore them and continually had lines for wearing my outdoor shoes inside school.

DDs just want to fit in! DM never asked what everyone else was buying! Just ridiculous. My parents had a PhD in embarrassing their dc though!

@FiveBarGate I apologise, it appears the Government guidance only applies to schools in England and is irrelevant to your school in Scotland.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/mobile-phones-in-schools

I do agree that for many a phone of some sort is needed for the joined especially if long. But the idea they need one for school work is flawed is many areas.

So how can teenagers make plans - do they ask mother to use the landline? Checking student emails becomes the parents jobs? My children use a huge wealth of resources on line for revision how on earth do children study at the weekends or holidays when the school library is closed? I am not criticising your school system but I can’t see it working for us. It sounds very infantilising.

You know the Internet is available on other devices not just phones?

Like everyone else, I do think she should have a phone. I was also dead against giving a phone too soon, but it will be your daughter who suffers if she is set apart from her peers in this way. You might be pleasantly surprised when she starts the new school. One of my daughters had a bit of a grim time in primary school - she wasn't bullied as such, but didn't have much in the way of established friendships. At secondary school, she was put into a class where she only knew one other person, but by the end of the first year, she had made new friends on the school bus and in lessons, and it has honestly been the making of her. She is 17 now, oozes confidence, is part of the 'popular' group, is always out with friends, and has just come back from the Reading Festival, which she attended with around 30 others. Just be positive and manifest that positivity onto your child, but please do get her a phone.

Can you ask the other mums which shoes their daughters are wearing to reassure her, or swap the ones she's refusing to try on?

I agree with others that she should have a phone if you can afford one, and be making her own arrangements to meet friends. My son had a smartphone when he went up to high school, but no social media and a kids YouTube account. He couldn't get any new apps without asking me via a notification to my phone - he still can't and he's 17, we've never bothered turning it off.

My son's school used phones in lessons, now I think about it, and homework was issued via an app called ClassCharts. Homework also often had links to YouTube or BBC BiteSize resources. She will need need some connectivity.

Assuming the point of keeping dc away from phones is linked to the internet so why would you allow them to be on a pc or iPad? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am on the other side of this now, and I can see I did get very worked up over them at the time (just like pp) we were very careful and it’s worked out fine for us. For unattended children I can see the danger. I think it’s interesting if different areas are piloting schemes.

All things in moderation, and learning to self regulate is vital, much easier to do when they are younger in my experience. You lose your audience pretty swiftly early to mid teen years. You need the bulk of guidance, values and expectations to be done by then.

My son's school had a very strict mobile phone policy. It was a strict school. If you were caught using your phone on school premises without permission, or if a notification went off in class when your phone was in your bag, it was taken from you and kept overnight, and a parent had to come into school with you the next day to get it back. If a parent couldn't make it while the office was open because they were at work or whatever, you didn't get the phone back until they could.

They also used mobile phones in lessons, either for research or to take photos, and issued all homework via an app called ClassCharts. There's no conflict between the guidelines on phone use in schools, and using them for educational purposes.

Also starting at a new school is an opportunity. My DD1 didn’t really have friends at primary. Made many friends at secondary, and still has them!

Christ I can’t believe the amount of people on here pressuring you to get her phone!!

My DD has a medical condition and needed a phone at aged 10 but otherwise wouldn’t have one either!… guess what she has still be bullied…. Kids will find any reason to bully someone… if it’s not the lack of phone it will be height, weight, skin colour etc….

My DD is just going into year 10, her school had a rule from year 7 that phones had to be in their bags on silent and were only allowed out in the canteen at break times… this has now changed and as of September the phones have to be handed in during tutor (locked in lockers in each child’s tutor room) and collected from tutor at the end of the day.. anyone caught with a phone during the day has it confiscated until the end of the week!!…. All our senior schools are implementing similar rules and I think before long all seniors will follow suit… we also have to sign to say that if we are sending our children in with a phone it is our responsibility and if the phone is lost while in lockers or confiscated then this is not their responsibility…. If we don’t agree with that then phones should be left at home!
I haven’t seen/heard of anyone complaining about this yet and we were informed prior to the holidays…. Obviously my daughter is exempt as she needs her phone for her blood glucose readings - I’m not looking forward to the teachers challenging her as they have in the past and her needing to defend herself! But will cross that if/when it happens!!
Anyway I will warn you that year 7 is brutal!! My DD really struggled… also it seems like number 1 trend to vape, self harm, send nudes to boyfriends which obviously end up in the year group WhatsApp… kids giving themselves tattoos, some having sexual experiences… it’s horrendous and I’m relieved my DD isn’t a follower… outside of school she chooses not to keep in touch with anyone… she could easily not have a phone LOL… but she learnt early on the dangers of phones when she was targeted on line by a bully.. luckily we nipped it in the bud straight away but it was a good lesson as she’s not interested in social media now and while she watches content she never posts anything and doesn’t comment on anyone else’s ..
Personally I’d stick to the no phone rule for now and review it again in 3 months.. see if she does indeed ‘need’ one for school and if so maybe that’s an easy Christmas present… we’ve always had a rule that I know her passcode and can look at it anytime I choose to… (she was 10 when she got one)… and had all parent safety things set up.. I wish more parents didn’t allow their kids mobile phones so young… when we were at seniors we had a minor falling out at school and by the next day it was pretty much forgotten about having all ‘slept on it’…. Nowadays the minor row turns into a slanging match by text, everyone getting involved and gossiping and stirring - people saying things they wouldn’t dare say in person…. By morning the whole thing has been blown out of proportion and your kid wakes up to horrible messages saying she said you said this etc… and then they’re eating their breakfast or refusing their breakfast because they’re in tears and trying to text everyone to see if they have anyone to sit with in English … it’s bloody awful!! And I wish phones would be banned for under 16’s unless there’s a medical need.

If more parents said no these days we wouldn’t be faced with half the issues we currently are.

Hopefully parents realise that while you can stop app downloads most sites (like Facebook utube etc can be accessed using the search engine (safari on iPhone).. kids aren’t daft and there’s always someone at
school able to hack past the safety settings.

But youcan delete chrome/safari. My dc's phone just amhas the agreed and respected apps. It's working fine
I've notice on snapchat he doesn't open the vast majority as he says people just spam with snaps to keep up their streak sk he just sticks to actual communication and calls. That's the best I can hope for as someone who was allergic to the whole thing.

I used to do phone inspections and look at his search history when he was 11. When he got social media, it was initially on the understanding that I could check his messages too. Once he got to 14, that stopped. He had far less access to digital content than his mates and is no better a human for it, and is just as phone-addicted. But you try.

@T1Dmama The phone isn’t just about school though is it. What school does isn’t the same as organising your social life via a phone. It won’t stop dc using them all the time at 13 either - if they’d the arbitrary age parents decide. All of this might have to be weighed up ageing being Billy no mates. If the latter is concerning, a phone might be the best option. Maybe some dc can be trusted not to view unhealthy stuff?

Oh bless her, that sounds really tough — and I totally get why you’re anxious too. My eldest was similar going into big school, and what helped a bit was:

• Normalising his worries — we talked about how lots of kids secretly feel the same (even if they don’t show it).
• Roleplay at home — we practised little ‘what if’ scenarios (what to say if someone comments on shoes, or how to ask to join in at lunch). It gave her a bit of a safety net.
• Routine comforts — choosing a special breakfast for the first day, or letting her pack her own bag the night before so she felt a bit more in control.
• Peer connection — your coffee morning/playdate idea is brilliant, because having even one familiar face really helps.

On the practical side, I sometimes use little prompts/conversation starters with my kids when they’re anxious — just simple ideas to help me find the right words when I’m out of my depth. It takes the pressure off me, and they open up more.

This is such a kind and helpful reply. ❤

there is one payphone between home and by sons secondary school and it is regularly vandalised, I wouldn’t trust it to be there in an emergency!

if your daughters is generally a bit nervous I don’t know why on earth you wouldn’t get her a phone. You can easily lock down apps etc but apart from the social stigma, there are always teething issues with the greater independence that comes with secondary school - missing the school bus, getting delayed, forgetting something - that a phone will turn from a major drama into a easily resolved issue. I wouldn’t go out travelling on the working day without my phone incase I was delayed, missed a train etc so I wouldn’t expect my children to either.

@nestingbirds they can obviously use phones if they choose outside of school, and I am sure do. You asked about school.

In our case DD is autistic and doesn't independently socialise so I can't speak for how other parents manage that. She has a dumb phone if she needs to get in touch outside of the school premises.