My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

It's easy having the conversation

It's not easy for the kid being left out

I think there are some big unanswered questions here OP

is she neurodiverse? Did she struggle with attendance in primary?

Is there any support in place via your primary suggesting to the secondary that she might need help?

I have a child who refused to go to school due to anxiety - I think there are some comments here that are not realising what this really is about.

This isn't about a phone - if she is this anxious it's probably about her inability to cope in the school environment.

You need to speak to her form tutor and possibly the SENCo definitely the pastoral lead at school

try not to panic about day 1 - if she has anxiety this severe she may need support in getting in.

I do think you are making her transition more challenging for her than it needs to be with the no phone rule. She will be marked out as the ‘odd one’ when they are swapping phone numbers with new friends and she doesn’t have one because she isn’t allowed. In secondary, kids make their own social arrangements via their phones. You can restrict certain apps, of course, but not having a phone at all will really put her in a minority and socially disadvantage her. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is.

I do think you are making her transition more challenging for her than it needs to be with the no phone rule. She will be marked out as the ‘odd one’ when they are swapping phone numbers with new friends and she doesn’t have one because she isn’t allowed. In secondary, kids make their own social arrangements via their phones. You can restrict certain apps, of course, but not having a phone at all will really put her in a minority and socially disadvantage her. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is.

I work in a senior school and it's rare for a year 7 pupil not to have a mobile. It's a huge part of making friendship groups, arranging meets etc.
Also the app for homework. And also the app send reminders or changes within the day ie ' the gym has a leak, those who have gym period 4/5 please go to the sports field instead ' type thing.

Shoes , bags , stationery tends to be branded it's very much about imagine ( which is sad but unfortunately bullying does happen )
We researched what was likely to be the trends , asking on local pages for her school

Footwear was Air force 1s or a slip on type shoe ( not Clarks that's sending them to slaughter) but mostly AF1s

Stationery was pretty generic but some like the nicer bic pens compared to a pack of asda biros.

Coats - North Face / Nike / Canada something? Puffer style.

Bag - handbag style like tote bag. Not many girls have a backpack.

Also popular phones are Samsung and I phone . There are a suprising amount who have the latest IPhone however dd hasn't she has a Samsung and has never been mentioned that it's not ' in'

I would do anything in my power for any of my dcs not to feel singled out.

@Suede82 it looks like you may have left this thread possibly because it's not telling you what you want to hear . I do hope it's made you think about your decisions . I have to say now is the time you have to start to let them go, let them make decisions and some mistakes as in 7 years time she will be an adult. I know that's years away but actually it's just the time she spent at primary. She needs to make small choices now, stationary, books, clothes, shoes, bag so she feels right. DS now 22 still tells the tale of him going to pe in year 7 with briefs not boxers and being teased. TBH it hadn't occurred to either of us they were wrong. Luckily his best made told his mum and she told me. There was a fast trip to Asda to buy boxers and let him fit in . The phone is not the devil that make it out to be IF ITS MONITORED. Rule in our house was I or dad could pick it up and see it at any time and it stayed away from bedrooms. We had tracking apps and Google family limits so no apps were put on we didn't approve and it shut down at night. Dd & ds had no issues and dd only joined Snapchat at collage ( 16) . The phone was essential for all the school and bus apps as others have said and is part of learning how to adult, with support. You have a young person now not a child.

This very much.

My parents were very much of the "this is the right thing to do and we will push it even if it means you sticking out like a sore thumb" form of parenting.

I had a lovely group of friends who accepted that I didn't have/do certain things, and used this to kind of carve a niche for myself where people who did have them could come and wax lyrical and I would listen and ask questions. Made me quite popular in a quiet kind of way. My friends would often let me use/share, but it wasn't the same as having them.

But both my siblings who already had potential to struggle socially really found it a problem. It meant that they didn't have any experience or common ground to join in, they became very aware of this so withdrew more.

I don't think it would have made my siblings super social, or the most popular one in school, but it would have made life easier for them.

When I was at school, we didn't have mobiles, but we had the landline. I didn't know what homework/was stuck on homework, something had happened in school that hadn't gone well, we wanted to meet up after school/the weekend etc.
We phoned (after 6pm of course) and talked. Sometimes we had a round where A phoned B, B passed on the message to C, C to D and finally D to E.
And that worked well.

But not if A, B, C and D have a mobile and can send one text and sort it between them. Because they won't remember to phone E's landline - and why would they? They've sorted it out for the group, and they might remember to ask E tomorrow at school. But then E can't contact dm at school to say they're going to A's house tonight, because she hasn't got a phone, so there's no point them asking her anyway.

Yes, check the phone, set up parent controls and make sure things aren't going squiffy in there. But they learn to use them under supervision while they are young enough, which is much better (from experience of seeing dc's friends) than suddenly getting their own phone at 16yo and it all opening up to them.

There will probably be staff at school later this week so worth emailing them with your daughter's agreement - don't go behind her back, and explaining how she's feeling.

You should maybe try a trial journey to school - what's the best walking / cycling / bus route? If you have to collect her, have a look for side streets so you can park out of the way - give her privacy from her peers and/or be prepared for a car full to be dropped off on your way home.

Consider a packed lunch for her first day - at least the food will be familiar amongst all the new things.

Arm her with period pads and spare pants just in case. The school will almost certainly have spare skirts/trousers if she bleeds through.

If she's not carrying a mobile she needs cash and a debit card so she can operate a payphone. If she doesn't know your telephone number she needs it and other important ones for family members on a credit card sized piece of paper. It's probably also worth her having your email address written down. This is all about her being able to problem solved on the way to and from school if a bus doesn't turn up / someone's horrible to her etc. Look at where the payphones are on the journey - go into them and see which ones work. Consider alternatives - does the route take her past any shops where she could go in and offer cash in exchange for somebody phoning you? Means you'd have to answer calls from unknown numbers. Or do you know anybody who lives between home and school where it'd be ok for her to stop if she's in difficulties? You cannot make reverse charge calls to mobiles so while it's good to know how to do this it only helps if you're near a landline. Also, she needs to wear a wrist watch.

I'd talk about it as just being school. In my day Year 7 work was often easier than Year 6 work - I don't know if that's changed, but she's ready for this type of school. Nothing terrible will happen to her there.

Has the school provided help for this? Ours has specific provision for children who need extra help due to anxiety, etc. I'd contact the school and ask to talk to ... whatever the equivalent of Guidance is if you're not in Scotland. Wellbeing, head of house, something like that?

The children should have guides to show them round for the first week or so?

Nerves are normal and to be expected, it's a big change. But she will be okay. So will you!

Sending you big courage.

Also ...

I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there

Stop with the scary stories. You have no idea how the first day will go, you're making it up. You're creating a scary narrative. Just admit you don't know. It's hard to live with uncertainty, but it's also more accurate and honest.

You're also using extreme negative terms. Why 'horrendous'? What other words might it be? Difficult? Challenging? Middling. Unexceptional. Surprising. Boring. Technical. Confusing. Mildly amusing. Delightful. Etc.

Secondly, your last clause is just completely untrue. We have good and bad days, and most days are somewhere in between. That's very black and white thinking.

I'll recommend you David Burns' 'Feeling Good' for a good overview of thinking habits like this that can contribute to depression and anxiety, and I would say are often the cause.

I’m dismayed by the overwhelming consensus that an 11 year old needs a phone in order to fit in. I have a much younger child and so far the consensus among parents that I know of children her age is that limiting tech use is a priority. I’m so sad to see how quickly it must change.

It’s impossible to fully lockdown a phone and at 11 children are very very good at getting around limits that you’ve set whilst also being too young to fully understand why the limits are important. It’s such a shame that more parents don’t see this and band together to change the culture as all it would take is a critical mass of parents to say no.

Absolute bollocks, it's so easy to lock your child's phone down. We have family link and DS who is fairly tech savvy, DH works in cyber security, can't download any apps without us approving it via the app. His phone automatically locks at a set time every night and he can't access it until a set time in the morning. The only way to unlock it is via mine or DH's phone. A condition of him having a phone is that we know his password and he knows we will check message etc. He is not allowed social media aside from WhatsApp which we monitor and he has safe filter on the internet so he can't access anything he shouldn't. YouTube is locked down to 30 minutes a day so he's not spending ages on it and he knows we keep an eye on what he's watching.

Also so disappointing to see how everyone seems totally willing to do anything to help their child just fit in, regardless of what that may be. Having worked in secondary schools for a long while, there’s a lot that goes on that I wouldn’t want my child to go along with or fit into. As the parent of a much younger child, this conversation is absolutely depressing me.

I’m dismayed that as a parent of only young children you even feel qualified to comment.

It is mot the 1940/s anymore, most children use their phones for homework, research and educational purposes. As well as staying connected to their peers and in my dc’s experience assisting each other with figuring out particularly challenging equations! They can chat and stay in touch all throughout the holidays despite travelling for much of the time. The main reason parents find them so helpful is that it actually keeps your child SAFE. If they are struggling, lost or on the wrong school bus etc they can call an adult, and this gives them a great deal of confidence.

The constant negative language about phones - particularly for this age group and above is really ill informed. I can’t stand the parents that sit their toddlers or young children in front of an iPad or phone amd wouldn’t let my young dc near them, but once they reach secondary age you will make life impossible for them without one. Our school do not allow them during the school day and we have only agreed to a quick check in with friends on school evenings. They are too busy anyway doing sports etc so it’s a non issue.

Wh does she have to wait until 13 to have a phone? It’s a bit shortsighted when all other kids will have them. I’m not saying this because we have to followed what everyone else is doing, but because it is the norm at secondary. Will she not be walking to and from school with friends?

I was restrictive wirh my own children and access to screens, but they both had a mobile for secondary. I can understand her consternation over this.

Try discussing with her the worst that can happen: let her ‘go there’ on her mind and tell you what’s worrying her the most. It’ll be a relief for her to verbalise or and you can walk her back from worst case scenario.

Also, teach her how to handle her anxiety - breathing and grounding techniques and how to calm her mind. Teach her to break her day up in blocks when she starts - she just has to get to break, and then lunch, and then home time. Break it into hours r whatever she needs to get through the day.

Equip her with all she needs and she can handle any situation. Hope this helps and good luck 😉

@Nestingbirds

I’m not sure why you’d be dismayed by anyone having or expressing an opinion on mumsnet, it’s literally the purpose of this site.

If you read my comment a bit further down, I have worked in secondary schools for ages so it’s not as if I’ve never met a teenager. I have personally known many very nice kids who have become involved with very not nice things because of smartphones. I absolutely do not buy the idea that kids need a smartphone to keep them safe, this just isn’t true, and there is SO much potential for it to go wrong.

The first day of secondary is easy for the kids.. have you forgotten? They're put in their form class and absolutely mollycoddled the whole day. Kids from other years are too excited seeing friends again to even think about new Year 7s! She will love her first day.

Get her a basic mobile and ask if she has friends she'd like to meet up with before the big day/ arrange to go with on the day itself. Stop with big school and playdates - from now she should start to make her own social arrangements.

Starting year 7 is terrifying for a lot of kids. My daughter started after lock down having missed most of year 6 she was in a terrible state!

I think firstly make contact with the pastroal support staff. They are usually amazing and will speak to her and reassure her.

I also think you may want to consider giving her a mobile phone. If she is coming home from school alone a mobile phone is really important to have just incase she needs to contact you. It may also help her to feel secure as she travels to and from school. Also once she makes friends it is handy as they arrange to meet up usually all done on WhatsApp she will feel pretty left out!

I wish her luck

You are so keen to be negative but for the vast majority of children phones are used properly and safely. If children are just left with no supervision, controls or monitoring of course things can go wrong, but most loving parents will take the time to ensure their children are safe.

The situation isn’t helped by the fact most schools now require phones for all kinds of educational purposes. My children need theirs to check sports fixtures, emails from teachers, prep, reports etc.

Every single social event is organised via phones - inc parties, sleepovers, tennis matches and play dates. How will your child possibly hope to remain friends with anyone unless they can be included?

A few things OP, both as a mum who now has adult kids, who were all anxious about High School, and as an ex form tutor, English teacher and safeguarding lead:

Firstly, it’s High School, not big school. Secondly, the staff, form tutors, etc, have done the transition many times before. Trust them. If her school is anything like the High School I taught at, phones are irrelevant, turned off and left in bags the minute they walk through the gate. Confiscated if used during the school day, so please don’t fixate on this.

Thirdly, don’t compare junior school and what she experienced there with high school: it’s like comparing apples and pears. The stroppy brash kids will be just as nervous believe me, the big fish in the small pond are suddenly the little ones again, with loads of kids, many the size of adults around them. What I’m saying is that they all start as equal.

Finally, hide your nerves. Be positive. It’s going to be ok. She’ll find her crew. Her form tutor will have her back. Let her fly. Don’t pre-empt issues, if they happen, deal with them. It’s a big change, but it happens, so go with it.

This is exactly my point. It’s not an option to feel included without a smartphone precisely because every other parent is just going along with it. If the parents of half the class didn’t buy their children a smartphone it wouldn’t be so ostracising, but all of the parents do it because that’s what everyone else is doing!

The fact that so much schoolwork relies on technology is appalling and I agree that it’s part of the problem. Even most school nurseries have a smartboard which is completely unnecessary for a group of 3 years olds — a waste of school funding and just proof that absolutely no thought has gone into how to use tech effectively in classrooms.

As far as the problems with technology being limited to the children of uninvolved parents who don’t keep their children safe, again all I can say is that this perception is just not true. I know this because I’ve seen it. I’m not keen to be negative about technology, I wish I could be more positive about smartphones and internet use but I’ve seen how it can go wrong too many times.

Call the school about it first thing tomorrow. This won't be the first time they have come across this. The more they know, the more they can support you and her. Does she have any SEN either suspected or diagnosed? Worth raising this with school also.

Get her the shoes - whatever she needs to feel comfortable. Also get her the phone. I am sure she isn't a spoiled brat. Sounds like she is incredibly incredibly anxious and she has maybe latched onto these two things with the idea that having them will make her feel safe.

I was the same as you and held off phones until secondary. Discuss and agree some rules around phone usage eg phones off at 8pm and left in the kitchen - or whatever you decide.