DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

The whole issue with tutoring is that they want the money! They don’t tell you dc are not good enough, for obvious reasons.

I’ve been amazed at people in Bucks tutoring for years and DC getting 103. 121 is needed to pass. It’s always “because you have to give it your best shot” when, actually, there’s no shot at all. The op might not be Astar but some parents I’m talking about are way below that but seem to think dc will get to a grammar. School reports really say something else. Dc themselves know it’s futile. Yet parents keep pushing and get disappointed. All those hours and money cannot be got back. It doesn’t help much with all the subjects at secondary either. So I’d lay off snd let dc breathe. Do not tell him his score. However other dc might ask him. Being realistic matters. Hard work, not so much.

parent should sit with child for practicing, parent must know more about what child is studying and practicing, Tution doesn't substitute but provide structure. There is no point in blaming tutor as there have been lot of filtering while choosing right tutor. even with the best tutors with 100% success track records, it was actually parents who supported child mostly.

Exactly. Plus it sounds like this was an English tutor, not an 11+ tutor. They are very different.

In our neck of the woods some tutors would not even accept a child in their class if they see the child is not going to make the cut. They certainly don't want to ruin their track record.

Same around here. Child is tested then parents are interviewed! They’ll only take them in if they know they stand a good chance

@TizerorFizz

The whole issue with tutoring is that they want the money! They don’t tell you dc are not good enough, for obvious reasons.

Usually, they're in such high demand, that they don't need to take everyone on board and can usually pick and choose who they want to take on. Many will also be honest and won't want to take on a child who has little hope of getting a place. I suppose the agencies and bigger firms won't care as they can usually just "find" extra tutors (often Uni students) just so they can pocket the profit, but a local/independent is far more likely to be more honest. Our son's tutor gave him his own test at the first session to evaluate him and made it clear to us in advance that if he didn't show aptitude he wouldn't be taken on and the first session fee would be repaid! Good that at least some of them are honest enough to do that.

This tutor was a 11+ tutor but with a focus on English.

She kept saying, ‘he will get there though practice’ and we continued. Even when it was obvious he wouldn’t pass, we kept going because DS wanted to and because we thought it would be an investment in his future.

Now it seems for nought.

Education and hard work are never wasted.

There really are no 100% pass tutors here! They don’t pick and choose to that extent. You just go along. The dc with 103 had 1 to 1 with a private tutor for 11 plus! What can I say. They work on an hourly basis and run a small business with a number of dc each evening. Obviously other parents use tutors who have groups and of course many parents think dc will pass, so they are a self selecting group. However they aren’t very selective when you join the group. They certainly don’t know how bright the parents are. In the case I highlighted, not very. She could not do the VR herself! So she got a tutor. However it wasn’t going to work and that was obvious.

This,

when a teacher say I select the ones who have a chance, it is just marketing technique to lock the parents. they might say no for few if they think it is hardwork to plan and teach.

I choose one english tutor for f-f in this summer, who is 'not' 11+ tutor. There are over whelming resources.They all develop in different stages. success now doesn't mean success forever.

@ ‘he will get there though practice’

yes OP, they need practice ,only 6 months ago DC's year 5 school teacher cautioned me that he is not working at greater depth (she knew we are planning to go for 11+) however his year 4 teacher gave a report saying 'gifted mathematician '

I then started to sit with him in practice , his year 5 report came out bright

I know this feels like the biggest thing in the world at the moment but honestly I'd focus on the things your ds is good at. Academia isn't for everyone. He might have a fantastic future career doing something practical, creative, athletic... and his 11 plus results will be totally irrelevant

Just dipped back into this thread and it’s still weighing on your mind. You’ve got to find a way to take it out. It’s becoming an obsessive thought and it’s destructive to you and your child. Most parts of London don’t have 11+ and children go on to get amazing A-level results.

I really don’t see the point of tutors (or parents) having to work hard to get a child to pass the 11+. Think of the pressure these kids will have at the school if they are not naturally academic. My sister passed with flying colours I didn’t pass and I would have hated her school.

@BeJollyNewt And now you will be eying up Cambridge for maths? These OTT comments are uncalled for and most teachers don’t see a maths genius to know what one looks like! As most people discover teachers don’t get everything right and if DC need so much extra coaching, they are not the brightest. As the op has discovered. It’s a minefield of ambition.

I wondered what made teacher to write, he was leaving that school then, dc has a tendancy to share/explain his learnings with passion. He impressed cambridge proffessors not with his maths or academics but with his artistic interests and sensibilities. It is hard to put him in stress, so can't imagine him doing maths at cambridge though we live in Cambridge 😅

I think this depends on what the tutoring is. The tests are specific and preparation for a test helps. But yes if it's gaming the system somehow that won't help.

When you talk to him, be careful of the language you use. You are very proud of all his efforts and being able to sit the 11plus. Dont tell him he has failed or got the lowest score.
maybe set the seed that he won’t be going to grammar school, but the other local school are good and have this/that and the other.
He still has the ability to achieve, I believe that from the effort he put into the 11plus.
good luck x

@Ouchh1 Can I ask if you got a diagnosis for your son in the end? We've been sitting entrance exams for independent schools this year and the tutoring has made me realise how little he understands passages he reads that have any complexity. In fact many of the things you have said sound familiar and we will pursue a diagnosis in a few months. We suspect either ADHD or dyslexia or both.