DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

If his score was significantly under what was expected, it may simply have been that he missed a question and got out of step on the answer sheet. Did the tutor think he had a decent chance of passing? What about his school teachers? At my daughter's school they arranged for CAT4 tests to give us an indication of whether a pass was likely.

Don't tell him the score.
Just tell him that the test shows that the grammar is not the right school for him.
Praise him for trying but put it to one side and focus on what is happening next.
Exam practice and discipline to work and prepare is not wasted time.

I would have thought a tutors job is to deliver progress with the child, not guarantee an 11+ pass?

the OP had recognised that English was an area of underperformance for her child and the tutor was working on it. It sounds like the child tried hard and was making progress but wasn’t 11+ material

I will add that DB was not successful in the 11plus, he went to the local comp. The other 8 of us passed went to Grammar. He is the only one who went to Oxbridge, the only one with a degree and the only one with a PhD. He also has the highest income. So the 11plus really is a pile of shit when it comes to assessing academic ability. It is a blunt tool - a speed test. It is divisive and massively flawed.

Remember “one of the lowest scores” is not at population level but of those that thought it was worth taking the test.

I’m a decent swimmer but would come last by miles in the Olympic 400m freestyle!

I'm genuinely intrigued by what sort of disorders pps are imagining might be diagnosed before secondary. Where I am, the ADHD pathway has a 1.5 year waiting list for the initial consultation and diagnosis might follow 6 months later. Dyslexia screening, in my county and those neighbouring it, has only been available privately for over a decade. Schools might be able to test for 'at risk of dyslexia' or similar but that is all.

That was my thought too.
I tutor children in English and Maths (I'm abroad so a different system of school entrance). I always tell the parents if I think the choice of school is unrealistic for the child after 3 or 4 weeks (to give them a chance to settle in with me). There's no way I'd tutor a child for 11+, pocket the money and then after they fail the exam say "Oh btw, he might have a learning difficulty"

I'd tell him that he didn't quite make it but that you are very proud of him for the effort he has made and that the work he has put in will help him in his new school. And then swiftly move onto talking up the positives of the school he will likely go to instead.

You can talk to the class teacher too and tell them what the English tutor said, but I do wonder if that's just her trying to cover her back so you don't complain about him failing.

Seems like the tutor’s wasted your time and money. Make a complaint

If he does not know maybe he won't react as badly as you fear. Big up the schools you will apply for.

When you tell him please please please do not use the word fail and phrase it in a way that shows that he did well!

You need to big up the 'sorting hat' mentality. The test is to help find the best school for him, and in his case he will do better at the non selective option.

Big up the alternative and be breezy about it. 'School x is so much better for his favourite subject/hobby etc.'

Also less pressure, homework and more chill/gaming time! That will be the big sell to my DS if he doesn't pass next week.

He may be ok but don’t delay telling him, he may need time to process it. Give him a big hug and tell him you are proud of how much work and discipline he put in over the last year because really thats what gets people through life in general. This is one exam, it doesn’t dictate what he’s going to do in the future.

Also that teacher is taking the piss, if she thought he had a SEN she should have mentioned it ages ago. It’s unethical to keep taking your money if she knew he wasn’t going to pass. Personally as long as there is progress I would see that as a positive.

To be honest, for the 11+ you need an 11+ tutor, not an English tutor. They are very different beasts because of the way the exams are (an English tutor would be beneficial for a private school entrance exam). That said, the tutor should have realised that and said something. It won’t have been a waste of time though. The way the 11+ tests English bears no resemblance whatsoever to the English taught in secondary school so he should be much better prepared for that. Don’t beat yourself up. Just tell him matter of factly that he didn’t manage a pass but you’re proud of him and then big up all the things he might like about whichever school he’s now likely to be going to.

You need to stop being 'crushed'. You knew he was likely to fail and it isn't the end of the world. If when you tell him you are 'upset, angry and sad' then he will be very upset too. Just gently say 'I just saw your results and you got x'. Say it like it's no big deal. I assume he'll know that he didn't get in and you can take it from there. Tell him you're really proud that he worked really hard and went for it.

I would listen to the tutor, he definitely sounds like he could have processing difficulties due to dyslexia. It's not the sort of thing that is necessarily picked up in school so if you can afford to get him privately assessed I'd go for it.

to who?

It’s for the best that he doesn’t go but I’d be annoyed with the tutor for not jetting you know how far off he was.
All you’ve done to support him will stand him in good stead. Don’t worry. The main thing is he’s happy and has friends. Both of those things are worth their weight in gold.

Your son’s score may not have been high enough to pass but remember that he was competing against the most academic kids - kids who are average/below average are unlikely to have taken the test and if they did then the lowest mark would have been much lower.

Praise his effort and let him know that he’ll do fab at another school. There’s lots of new kids to make friends with.

I suspect that they send the results on a Friday so the kids who are upset don’t have to go to school the next day. I would personally tell him sooner rather than later to make Monday a little easier.

Did the tutor test him before he started ? The best ones test the kids so that they can keep up their reputation of how many kids they tutored made it into grammar.

We're not all suited to the same things or are destined to follow the same path as our friends - that's a really hard lesson to learn and of course your son will be disappointed.

I agree with others, just say his mark wasn't high enough. Let him be sad for a bit, but big up the other options. Tell him you're proud of him for working so hard - nothing ventured and all that.

To be honest, he's dodged a bullet. If he was working that intensely, scraping through and securing a place would have been disastrous for him and far worse in the long run. At least you've gained an inkling that he might be struggling, which his school seem to have missed.

Oh dear - was it a superselective Grammar? If so then I think you've been badly advised OP to go for it in the first place if he wasn't working a year or two ahead in English and Maths and to have a tutor for 10 months and them not tell you they suspect a learning difficulty is a real let down.

Do you have to tell him, is my first question? You could just say, you just missed out by a couple of points, but there's a much better school that would suit you at XXX - I'm assuming you've been to see a couple of local secondary schools. Definitely speak to the SEN teacher but to be fair a decent school with a good SENCo would have picked up on any issues by now. But academia is not for everyone. My son is autistic, an absolute whizz at maths but his reading comprehension isn't the best (his English writing, spelling and grammar are excellent). He's in a mainstream secondary and is absolutely thriving. So it's no big deal that he's not passed the 11+. Good luck to you & try not to worry

I agree with pp that if he didn't pass having received that amount of tuition, then you were looking at him struggling for the next five years. Even if you had something such as dyslexia diagnosed, it wouldn't negate the struggle for him.
Look at the alternative school websites, hunt down their usp that would appeal especially to your son, big it up. "The on-site theatre would be great for your interest in drama", "Mandarin as a foreign language - you always said you wanted to go to China", "skiing every year!" Do you know any teenagers who go to these schools who could be primed to talk well of them.
My friend's dd failed by 6 marks, with no tuition. But Mum kept her eye on the big picture, they visited every local secondary, and Mum had worked up the idea that school X would suit her better than the grammar anyway. Although I believe they are ordering in Domino pizza tonight as a special "you worked hard and I'm proud of you" treat.

Any chance you could phone around and find out who else 'failed'?
DS failed but was more than happy when he discovered what excellent company he was in! No boys at all passed from his primary school.

You shouldn't have entered him for it I agree but the Tutor is also at fault here, I know a few Tutors for 11+ and they tell parents if its not a good idea for a child to do it.
And he hasn't failed, you don't fail the 11+, you just score low/high

Get him used to surviving disappointment maybe? That is a really good life lesson