DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

The main signs are, for me:

Reading a basic text and not understanding it.

Not being able to solve worded maths problems - not understanding what question is being asked.

Occasionally miscounting numbers when doing sums: 3454 is written as 3445. This happens about once when doing a maths test.

Thanks for verifying. Some things sound normal-ish but others are definitely worth investigating. I’m really surprised that the tutor waited so long and the school haven’t said anything if these issues are quite prominent. I’d be side eyeing the tutor quite hard if I were you.

You didn't want to have the difficult conversation before, so you're having to have it now. Either way you'd have had one, the can has just been kicked down the road because you didn't want to say no to him entering. You let him go into a process you knew he wouldn't meet the standard for, poor kid.

As others have said, try not to see it as catastrophic or the money as wasted - he will have benefited in some way from the tutoring and that will help him along the way later.

There are lots of career pathways for non academic kids, and English comprehension isn't the only measure of academic success either. He is not doomed for life because of a poor 11+ score.

If you hadn't let him continue though, he might have resented you long term. He might have thought "I could have passed that but my parents wouldn't let me".

You should definitely tell him a white lie and tell him his mark his higher though, so he thinks he did well just not well enough to get in. That's what I would do.

Most of your point re the difficulty conversation etc is very helpful

But don't ever call kids who don't succeed at 11+ 'non academic'
It's entirely untrue
Succeeding at 11+ means you are good at succeeding at 11+ ...the end

I strongly believe our taxes should not be funding such a flawed education system

People are saying might not be academic ( whatever that is). He might not be academic yet. People change, people develop.

Academic ability is not necessarily reflected well by a single written test. Many successful entrepreneurs and academics would not have performed well had they had to demonstrate it purely on paper. This is where private school entrance tests can be better for some than 11+ as they often include interviews and group activities.

We don't have it here in Scotland and I'm not well up on what's included in it. It sounds like there is more going on here from OP's posts than her DS not succeeding at the 11+ though. But I will rephrase - IF OP's DS turns out not to be academic, it is not the end of the world and he will still have plenty of options. The plumber who redid our bathroom, for example, is paid more than I was as an NHS psychologist! I sometimes wonder if I'm in the wrong job 😂

Loads of children struggle with worded maths problems, especially multistep ones. And a ton of kids struggle with inference skills. That is what the greater depth KS2 Sats is all about. He will practise this at school this year.
I know people who have asked for extra time for their DCs in grammar tests and then gotten through, but a couple of those kids struggle now because the grammar teaches at speed. They do have a great SEND department but as most of the kids just get stuff instantly it is can be quite difficult for those who don’t, even if it is due to a SEND and the school works hard with them.
Being academic in the long run means working hard and enjoying academics! I know loads of people who succeeded despite not having super fast processing speed. They are grafters and passionate, your DS sounds like he has all of that and some.

Grammar tests are about comprehension at speed and it takes a lot of practice. Private schools that feed into state grammars / selective independants often start practicing the tests from year 4 and would have learned the right content too instead of NC + tutoring which is stressful. I think if parents want to aim for 11+ from state primaries that’s great but they should begin prep far earlier.

People who are great at school fail in the workplace all the time and vice versa.
Be supportive and give him time to explore.
Other than luck, success in life requires hard work, which he’s shown he’s good at, and finding the thing you enjoy. Give him time and space to work out what that might be.
Its one exam. He’s far too young to be labelled “not academic” And even if he’s not the type that excels in school. There are other routes to success and happiness.

The upthread claim that tutoring won't improve a child's chance of passing the grammar test is extremely disingenuous. The vast majority of kids who pass the 11+ nowadays have been tutored, either by their parents or by external tutors. This undermines the notion and makes parents and kids bypass the test altogether.

How do you know the vast majority are tutored ? And we don't know if they weren't tutored if they would pass anyway.

"we don't know if they weren't tutored if they would pass anyway."

Of course you don't know, you can try.

@Ozanj - your children are really young? I am sorry to tell you this now, but reading a lot and widely is far more important than 11 plus prep by any school. If my 4 DC got through with not tutoring and we have observed years and years of people tutoring in vain or wrongly, I do think I know what I am talking about now. I am not telling you to do no prep. It should be targeted and familiarisation and obviously a child needs to be on top of the curriculum and ideally at greater depth. But if you think you can tutor an average child into a top grammar school, that is not going to work.

Tutoring will only improve a few points from inherent potential. Now if a child is not at their potential, then you have to bring them up first. If the child is on top of the national curriculum, reads regularly and widely it is just Maths Year 6 you need to get on top of before they tests and practise the reasoning. You have to familiarise with the exact tests that will be set and think on the spot on the day. People who tutor for years to get children in - most grammar school teachers will tell you it is a terrible idea. A few may slip through but it won’t be in their best interests.
Every teacher in the country will tell you to read loads and practise your time tables and fast basic maths. Those are the fundamentals to passing the 11 plus. Not tons of cash thrown at tutors.

Tutor, whether provided by parents or paid tutors, involves efforts outside of school to help a child excel beyond the national curriculum, focusing specifically on exam subjects. This, not limits to, but certainly includes familiarizing the child with various exam formats and practices. The advantage is certainly more significant than just a few extra points, regardless "wrong or right" way. Every state primary school teacher will NOT help the kid to do any extra of above.

Atom Learning offers free access for FSM pupils now, all the 11 plus learning can be done for free there. It explains everything to a bright child. State primaries need to start pointing it out to FSM bright pupils.

We know kids who got 100 per cent top scores with just Atom.

AI and tech is going to change education completely. And the anti grammar/streaming brigade cannot stop it.

Many children are not stressed, but just take it in their stride. If they are overly stressed, agree not right for them. Also, agree that grammar schools are an imperfect solution to increasing social mobility, but they do have that affect for not an insignificant amount of families. Do you have a solution for that?

sounds hideous. I pity the poor children being drawn into the ‘you need to get 100%’ scores. No wonder there is a mental health crisis in young people and children. And the parents who go down this route are fuelling it, just so that they can brag that their kid is the smartest kid in their street.

"We know kids who got 100 per cent top scores with just Atom."

So now someone is suddenly acknowledging that the advantage brought by tutoring is significantly more than just a few points.

Technology and AI open up so many possibilities for fairer, more dynamic education catering for individual needs. The 11+ feels like a relic from the past, barely keeping up with today's educational landscape and the skills kids actually need. One should be looking forward, not relying on outdated methods and school system that just perpetuate inequality and create social divisions.

I tutored DSD myself through 11+ from state (she’s finishing uni now), I know how difficult it is. It would have been far, far easier and better for her mh to do it from a feeder private school. I would have paid for it even but her mum (who’s also my friend so I argued the point) opposed on ideological grounds - something she was only able to do because it was me who was tutoring her. The poor girl was so stressed and we only had room for other activities because at one point I decided she needed to stop doing the homework set at school. I decided this from Year 3 as that was when everyone told me to start prep from - but I wish I began in Year 1 and told her school to fuck off. I’d already taught her her timestables to 12 by then and they were just wasting time.

In the end she did get into a superselective with a top 1% score.

I just think if you have the money to pay tutoring for a superselective and extracurriculars then it’s not a huge stretch to pay a few grand more for private school fees if it makes your child happier.

Most parents of superselective grammars are rich anyway - rather than invest in properties in expensive state primary catchments they should really be investing in education.

It’s not just 100%. You need to get that score in a specific timeframe.

Rote drilling to hit 100% within tight timeframes stifles real understanding and academic development. It turns learning into a test-passing exercise, not benefiting the child's overall personal development.