DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

Less effort to teach doesn't equate to higher teaching standards. Teaching in grammar schools can lead to complacency and a 'one-trick pony' approach because parents often believe in tutoring and supplement their children's education outside of school. A lot of teachers I know does not like teaching in Grammar schools.

A lot of the comments here focus on the grammar (or selective) vs comprehensive (non-selective) debate. This is understandable as, culturally and politically, this has been a battleground. But the OP’s plight is something we will all face, regardless of school choice and 11+. Our DC might not pass a music exam, or make the football team, or be top set in Maths, or get a place in their dream University course. Learning from these mishaps, teaching one’s DC’s resilience, and remembering that life is a marathon, not a sprint, are also important. Pass or fail, every child is going to have to wake up on Monday morning and do the same things all over again: study, play, socialise and enjoy family time. Pass or fail, makes no difference. That is a message parents often forget.

I am a teacher, but thanks.

Good post @JoeDoe and in fact, if your DC goes to one of the very top grammar schools (for results) in the country, then every day they are reminded of the fact that someone is better than them and incredibly talented. In fact, if you are naturally bright and talented going to a local comp and shining can be a far easier option and the universities will be chasing you.

What a narrow definition of better or talented!

@Overturnedmum - care to elaborate? At least explain yourself? What is your intrinsic gripe with grammar school, across so many threads now?
And where have I ever said grammar is always better. It’s a good option for some people. It’s not the be and end all.

No, not just my local schools, but those of my family 200 miles north of us (as mentioned in my comment).
Where is your evidence that the state system is as bad as you say?
Is it, perhaps, based on your area? Which, I am guessing is a fully grammar area?

how did that serve them when answering NVR tests then? The type with trick answers, where all questions are stripped of context?

@Araminta1003 where have I ever said grammar is always better.

Throughout all the threads, your comments contradict each other on this topic.

Grammars can be a tough environment. My lovely Dad (who taught at a school that didn't have an entrance exam) used to agree to take Grammar school kids who weren't allowed to sit the A levels they wanted to do at the grammar they attended was too worried they'd bring their A level scores down. Always shocked me.

Looks like dyslexia to me. Definitely needs a SEN assessment.
He may also have test anxiety as he has also tested below his coursework.

There are all different types of intelligence and children develop at all different rates. For what it’s worth, my daughter would never have passed the 11 plus, she was bottom of the class until 14, and received learning support. She is 19 now and studying medicine.

DC1 passed the grammar school test but did not score high enough for the super selective. It crushed her confidence for years and triggered anxiety for years. DC2 did not pass. Got a private assessment and he had several processing issues. He is doing fine where he is. Grammar school would have not been good for either of them.

Exactly. There are many great state schools, but there's typically a direct correlation to house prices, or people of modest income being priced out. So you're stuck in area(s) where surrounding schools aren't so great. This is unfortunately the plight for many across the country.

By aspirational I assume the poster means children whose parents, and therefore their children, realise that if you want to be a doctor, lawyer, actuary, investment banker etc you don't piss around at school, you do your homework, you work hard so that you go to a good university and get a good degree to enable you to get those kinds of jobs. Can't see the problem with that.
If grammar school means all the disruptive children and their parents who think school is a waste of time and that people don't need to bother with homework or aiming to get marks , who don't listen and disrupt the whole class, don't go to that school, that's a good thing. I wish there were more grammar schools.

you're making assumptions about me and my family.

I'm guessing the statements you make about state school are based on what you read here on MN, rather than reality.

OP, I would get him assessed by an educational psychologist. It sounds like there are some issues, possibly dyslexia? My DC has a very uneven profile on tests… so scores very highly in some areas and low in others…working memory and processing speed are problematic in his case. (This type of up and down profile can be very common in people with dyslexia or adhd or asd.) It’s worth investigating. I’d be disappointed in the tutor to be honest.

I wouldn’t tell your son how low he scored, I can’t see how that would help him. I’m sorry he’ll be disappointed. It’s too young to be having these exams imho, it’s a fault in the system.

Yeah, everyone has their own way, so others leave the teaching to teachers hence children can involve better in school lessons.There wouldn't be need of home tutions and grammars .

I dint see any people who read ahead of their age reflecting any of their readings. Handling text doesn't equate balancing acts.

The type of child who gets top scores at a superselective is the type who reflects, analyses, and presents the texts they read in a way that their audience can understand. It’s very normal to see these kids tutor other children at their schools / at home.

If that's the case the primaries would have been a safe place for everyone and wouldn't be pushed other children into home tutions. or school changes.

A grammar we know of has regularly 1000 kids in 10 k radius taking the entry exam for less than 150 places. Entry is based on priority catchment and highest score.
850 kids are not failures.
The score doesn't matter, you either make the top 150 or you don't.
Many then go into the top sets of state comprehensives. Some of which use the same kinds of tests (amongst other things) on Year 7s to help with setting. These schools get good GCSE and A level results and places at Russell Group unis on competitive courses. If you know what you want to aim for, there is always a way, its just taking a different route. Some get offered sixth form places at the grammar due to good A level results.

So your son's work is not wasted. One on one learning is always useful.
The last years of primary school are so stressful for parents and children. I was glad when that aspect of it was over.

So wise @DuckbilledSplatterPuff (despite your thoroughly daft name!). This is how to frame it.

So what about the children who don't piss around at school, do their homework, are exceptionally polite, helpful and hardworking, but don't have the academic ability to go to grammar school? Should they be tossed in a class full of disruptive, unruly children? I've just described one of the children in my class- and I can totally see the unfairness in her not getting a good education when she's in secondary. She's not a piss artist, just not clever enough to get into grammar.

😂You are right.. its ridiculous, I think I was in a silly mood when I chose it, but never worked out how to change it now.

There are plenty of clever kids at comp
plenty of well behaved kids
plenty of conforming children that actively want to and enjoy learning.
just because they didn’t attain the required grade on that hour on that day at the age of 10.