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Secondary education

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Original poster

DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

319 replies

Ouchh1 · 18/10/2024 17:55

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

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TeenToTwenties · 18/10/2024 17:59

Tell him you are proud of him, and that all the hard work is not wasted as it gives him a better foundation for secondary.

Let him be upset for this weekend.

Talk up the other school options.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 18/10/2024 18:01

I'd be furious at the tutor. I tutored my son myself and it would have been obvious if he was going to blow it that badly.

celestebellman · 18/10/2024 18:01

Reading fluently and not grasping the text sounds similar to my dd, who was diagnosed with dyslexia in secondary school. The issue is with processing. Maybe speak to teachers to establish if this could be a possibility, in which case would be worth getting him assessed. If so, he will be eligible for exam access arrangements at secondary school.

Searchingforthelight · 18/10/2024 18:03

The 11+ doesn't suit the majority of kids ( don't even start me on why it needs to be abolished and us taxpayers shouldn't be funding such garbage!)

I'm sure quite a few of his friends will be in the same boat, and there's no need for him to know the score, you can tell him whatever you like if he asks exact score number

faffadoodledo · 18/10/2024 18:03

What a harmful scam that tutor is pulling. S/he ought to have realised earlier in the process and saved you money and your child a load of pain.
Wicked

greenday16B · 18/10/2024 18:06

Sorry but I don't think there is a learning difficulty. There is a nice sensitive kid who do well at Secondary school with your continued support.

Brassybean · 18/10/2024 18:06

Bless , the 11+ is so hard to navigate ! One of mine did very poorly in some areas but has been tested since by his old senior school ( CATs) and his new private school( midys and yellis schemes) - and is actually pretty bright - comfortably above average though not 11+ level . He has thrived with private small classes (16 kids ) . Definitely look into possibly SEN - there are various possible issues - several kids I know how processing issues .

olympicsrock · 18/10/2024 18:10

You need to tell him tomorrow am and give him the weekend to process the hurt in private away form his friends.

But the journey and work was not easy wasted - he will have learnt lots and developed study skills. Be proud of his effort and help him to feel proud of himself.

The tutor should have flagged up his struggles and told you before he sat the exam.

Orrinocc0 · 18/10/2024 18:11

I say this kindly but as a grammar school kid, it's a blessing. If he had that much tuition and still didn't pass and was one of the lowest then it would not have been the school for him.

I was top of my primary and had no tuition and Jesus I felt like such a dunce when at school. It's not a good feeling. Eventually it fell into place but it's a tough place to be for those who are tutored to death and can't keep up.

TeenToTwenties · 18/10/2024 18:11

Agree tell him Saturday to give him longer to get his head round it.

TheGoldenGate · 18/10/2024 18:12

Ouchh1 · 18/10/2024 17:55

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

The English tutor was honest you have nothing to tell him/her off for. I would ask what disorder? Attention deficit?

I am surprised that your tutors have not done timed assesments and did not inform you early enough so you could have realistic expectations from your child

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

And how does he cope in primary? The same way he will cope in secondary, simply he will not be in top sets.

I am surprised that by year 5-6 you were not informed by the school teachers about his results at schools and potential SEN needs.

SneakyScarves · 18/10/2024 18:16

Agree that you should probably tell him he didn’t pass sooner rather than later but also not to tell him the score if you can avoid it - and if he asks, tell him something higher than it was so he’s not completely crushed. I know you weren’t expecting him to but was he expecting to pass? He might not take it as badly as you think, particularly if some of his friends didn’t pass either.

BourbonsAreOverated · 18/10/2024 18:16

Yeahhh your tutors a twat. Why mention that now? All you can do is support them, speak to the primary get them to assess and put in some support. Work on their strengths and keep them busy. It’s a shit brutal system

I will be honest my daughter was destroyed by the 11+, we got the primary to put in a bit of extra support to help with her self esteem and self worth. It was awful to see, years down the line, it’s all ok. They’ve flown at the local comp, are happy and confident. I obviously don’t know how they’d have got on at grammar, however, the reports from it now from her primary friends makes me realise they were at the right school for them.

dapsnotplimsolls · 18/10/2024 18:16

I agree with the PP who said to see it as a blessing. He'd have been miserable if he'd just scraped a pass and spent 5 years struggling.

Brassybean · 18/10/2024 18:16

I’d suggest a SEN assessment before he starts secondary at least then if he has a processing disorder he will get extra time going forward .

I know at least 2 children who had isssurs discovered privately after surprising 11+ results - one ADHD and slow processing and the other processing only . So you are not alone. Both are obviously bright when you speak to them, both their mothers are lovely warm caring ladies who are very bright themselves so don’t beat yourself up

Muchtoomuchtodo · 18/10/2024 18:17

It sounds like grammar school wouldn’t be the best place for him. I’d tell him today though, not hold off until sunday. Why are you thinking of doing that?

The tutor sounds thoroughly unprofessional but there’s nothing you can do about that now. What you can do is book an appt with his current teacher and have an open and honest conversation about your concerns and the tutor’s comments.

GrandhotelB · 18/10/2024 18:17

That tutor sounds appalling. Good tutors assess the child at the beginning and tell you whether it’s worth it or not. She clearly knew he would never be able to pass and pocketed the money anyway.

The 11+ is a test of taking an 11+ test. That’s all. Does he have other interests that other schools offer more of you can play up? Reward him for all that effort and tel him you are so proud. Make a big deal of him. Do not tell him the score and if pushed, lie.

I agree I don’t think this was a path you should have gone down. You’ve set him up to fail however unintentionally. Did his teachers not tell you to stop? I don’t mean this to beat you up, it’s a crazy process, but to push to fix. Tell him asap and spend the rest of the weekend celebrating how brilliant he is. Later talk to his teachers about secondary- they should have said already really.

lizzyBennet08 · 18/10/2024 18:21

Honestly I'd lie to him a little and tell him that while he failed his score was better than it actually was . I think you could destroy his confidence otherwise if you tell him how badly he did. That achieves nothing in my opinion
I'd also tell him sooner as I'm sure his friends will be talking about it over the weekend .

Hiyawotcha · 18/10/2024 18:25

Does he need to know the score? I personally would avoid disclosing the actual score or make one up that’s higher but still not deemed selective.
Thank my lucky stars we aren’t in a fully grammar area. Couple of superselectives and some kids go to neighbouring areas. It is such a rubbish system.
For context, dd wasn’t “deemed selective” - sat grammar test in neighbouring area. Got 3 As and a B at A level. Stepmother failed her 11+. Oxford graduate.

buttonsB4 · 18/10/2024 18:25

Did you not do any timed practice papers with him at home, so you had an idea how he was performing in exam conditions?

11+ tutors often focus on exam technique, because that's what makes or breaks the test on the day.

If the tutor has just been working on improving your son's level of English, that's fabulous, think how far behind he'd be if he hadn't done all that extra work. He may not be suited to grammar school, but study like that is never wasted, it's important learning.

For the 11+ the tutor should have spent the bulk of the time on past papers and practicing the type of questions that could come up.

MumblesParty · 18/10/2024 18:25

Is it definitely a case of pass or fail? Because where I live, no one fails the 11+ as such. They just don’t get a high enough mark to get into the grammar school. That mark varies from year to year, because they only have a certain number of places, so they take the top marks and offer them places. I’m wondering if your son actually needs to know how badly he did. Can you not just tell him he didn’t get quite enough.

user47 · 18/10/2024 18:26

He has not FAILED!!!! He has simply not scored high enough to be offered a place. It is a first past the post test, a mad scramble.
Parents who allow their child to invest in this nonsense need to ask themselves why? Do not sacrifice your sons happiness and confidence to some dick exam.
Tell him he has NOT FAILED. Tell him many of the most successful people do not pass the stupid 11plus. Ask him if he thinks its fair for there to be a 'better school' for some children. What about children who cannot afford tuition?

Be his mother, reassure him, tell him he is your golden boy and will always be the cleverest in the world to you, talk about his talents. Please for the love of god stop using the word FAIL about an 11 year old.