DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

Our secondary school doesn’t set until year 9 for maths and English. I think children can pick up on parents expectations. It’s great they put in all that work with the tutoring but most children who needed that much tutoring to get into grammar school for the 11plus test that we know struggled so much once there, and in fact one got removed in the first term as the school wasn’t the right fit, the child was very unhappy and caused the, so much anxiety with all the extra homework, it stole the joy from their free time, they might actually be better confidence wise in a less pressured environment. I don’t see the 11 plus as a failure and a lot of parents buy into that pressure hence the market for tuition.

I would tell him sooner rather than later and then try and have a few treats based on how hard he worked, because hard work is what pays off in life.
I wouldn’t mention marks at all, just say he wasn’t in this years highest scoring group so didn’t get a place.
If you really don’t like the alternative school, move house to somewhere with a comprehensive system.

My DD didn't pass the grammar test either. She's very bright and we had done some prep (decent amount from Y4) but it wasn't enough to get into the super selective. She missed out on the cut off by 2 marks.

Before we even got the results we booked a holiday and told her it was a reward for her hard work and efforts.

She was initially disappointed but cheered up when she realised her little sisters would be able to go to the same secondary sch as her (they are not as academic as her).

We had already visited other schools and we'd found some she liked. She also found out most of her friends didn't pass it, they're all bright and prepped too! Only one of them did.

It all worked out well as her secondary school is walking distance and her best friends go there. She's very happy.

I think that's unfair statement, my two go to grammar and doing very well as pupil premium students. They have ambitious friends around them and pushed academically.

Anyone would think they wouldn't want poor students getting a good education for free. If they scrapped private schools as well as grammar, I would understand but why scrap grammars when there is a two tier system for the most privileged.

Actually Boris wanted to bring them back for good reason ... to help those who can't afford private schools to get a better education.

But, I'm derailing, OP I'm sure your son will do very well at comp rather then be in a school wete you would always be playing catch up.

Academic excellence only matters (in most cases) when accompanied with softer skills such as communication, being personable and confidence. Thats one of the additional benefits of private / grammar schools.

But the crucial element is softer skills, not education to have a great well paid career. So focus on the softer skills.

What a horrible phrase ‘failed the 11+’! He didn’t fail anything. Okay he wasn’t in the top percentile for this year in an academic test. It doesn’t mean he’s not intelligent or indeed less intelligent than the the kids who got in.

What a horrible system.

You’ve missed the point. You don’t need to go to a grammar school to attain outstanding academic achievements. And what‘s more the 11+ is a bad way of selecting those who are suitable for grammar school.

She might have misjudged (or she might not - he could have been doing better in practice papers at home) but it hardly constitutes a scam.

Tell him the reality which is that the top "x" number of people get the grammar place, and unfortunately, he wasn't in the top "x" number. Don't use the word "fail". It's just a numbers game. Make him think that on a different day with a different cohort, he may have been in the top "x" number. Definitely don't give him the score! When my DS did it, scores weren't given out at all, nor were the words "fail/pass" used. Throughout the process, the school made it clear that it was a matter of limited places and the "most suitable" pupils would be offered those limited places. Change the narrative to make it sound better than just saying "you failed, you only got 40%"!

He didn’t ‘blow’ anything. He didn’t get the required mark in an exam which assesses children in a very narrow way.

As a pp said, as someone who also went to grammar school but only just managed to get in, trust me it is a blessing in disguise. It does no good for your self esteem when you're surrounded by people much smarter than you yet having to work much harder than everyone else.
Please don't see it as wasted effort, he's much better prepared for secondary school now. He will be ok!

We would have to pay for our own diagnosis, the tutor said the school would do an initial assessment.

I would be wary of just private diagnoses as some GPs don’t recognise it and it could cause him problems later. Get him on the NHS pathway too. The school also may be reluctant if they haven’t seen any behaviour.

Whats he like at home? Have you seen any linked behaviours at all? Masking at school is one thing but masking at home is surprising.

If you think he’s going to be crushed then your bright and breezy about the test clearly hasn’t been bright and breezy enough.

Out of 4 DC’s I had one refuse to sit it, 1 who passed and 2 who didn’t mean the entry requirements for the grammar school. The 2 that didn’t meet requirements merely shrugged it off as a nothing ventured nothing gained kind of thing. Purely because we’d spent months telling them that it really didn’t matter to us either way.

I think you should tell him tomorrow morning. But tell him a score higher than it was so as not to crush him. Tell him you are proud of him then take him out for a treat.

I would be cross with the tutor for not saying something sooner. But that’s fine now. Definitely get him assessed by a decent Ed psych if you can afford it.

Tutoring can't cover everything in an hour a week to get a pupil into grammar school. There is maths, English comprehension, spelling, vocabulary, grammar, verbal reasoning, non verbal reasoning, exam technique. It's very unpredictable as well. If only the top 10% get in, does it mean that 90% of tutors are scammers?

Did your own future get decided at 11?

Thankfully nothing is set in stone at that age. It only means that that school isn't suitable for him.

As someone who failed the 11+ myself I would make every effort to minimize this. I carried it around for years as a "failure" and took it to mean I was stupid. I got my A levels and a degree from a RG and then 2 more degrees thereafter. Please don't let him think he can't succeed because of this one test.

I don't know why you got him a tutor for 18 months if you didn't think he'd pass it. That doesn't seem like it was the right decision for anyone involved tbh.

The very act of having a tutor for that specific reason is of course going to make him aware of the expectations on him.

I know you're upset now but would see this as a blessing in disguise - you know now that there may be some issues with your child's learning style and can do something about it.

I posted earlier that this was me. I still feel shame about it all now, still feel
like the black sheep of the family, the let down. I certainly haven’t been as successful as you! Well done for all your achievements.
It’s wild how much it can have on you. I really think it should be banned, kids are too young to have to deal with that.

I'd agree, if the local comps weren't so friggin appalling.

Well I only knew one school, the one I went to, and it was horrifc to experience as a kid but the stats were good, they churned out kids with high scores (but ✨not me✨) but there has to be another way to assess kids. Exams are rubbish, there’s too much pressure and not all children who are capable do well in exams because that’s not how they perform best. Others will have tutors like the OPs son just to pass the exam and then not be able to cope with the schooling. It’s an outdated system - although I confess I don’t have an alternative suggestion

Why are you annoyed at how poorly he did? Annoyed with him? The tutor? The system? That seems unfair, though I do some tutoring myself (very p/t year 5/6 teacher) and I'm always honest with parents. I tutor to build confidence.

He'll be fine but your attitude will play a big part in it.

Grammar schools really aren't the best fit for everyone.

Too much pressure at a young age. The school clearly would t have been right for him. Tell him you are proud , give him a big hug and move on. Perhaps explore dyslexia as a diagnosis . One of my friends is a surgeon and failed his 11 plus so in the end it means nothing .

I'd be angry with tutors that took your money while presumably knowing that your son was not capable of passing the exam.
I'd be glad that he hadn't just scraped a pass, because grammar school would be awful for him if he isn't naturally blessed academically.
Your son worked really hard; working hard trumps natural ability a lot of the time in life. He won't be a doctor or barrister, but in most careers mega-brains are not the deciding factor, it's how hard you work.