DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

It must be so hard right now but I’d see all the tutoring and his hard work as a huge positive for secondary and also try and get his assessed. Maybe with some help he will be better off in the top of secondary than struggling in a grammar. It’s hard right now but some positives may come out of it so I’d really try and frame it that way when you talk to him.

Why would a parent pay for a tutor knowing the outcome wouldn't be positive?

If there was a need for all round help with English why not go down this route?
I don't understand this.

👏👏

Not all children are academic. Instead of worrying about what he has not achieved in exams concentrate on what he has achieved in other areas. My son was kept back a year at school early on, he hated school and exams and now runs his own very successful business. My other children were not particularly academic either and all have very good jobs and have grown into the most amazing adults who I am incredilbly proud of. Please do not ruin his self esteem by using the word failed.

He goes to a good state school, and they send a decent amount to grammar schools.
Thr school gets good SAT results - top 10% of the borough most years.

Thr teachers haven’t flagged any concerns and he is on target for maths and English and exceeding in one or two subjects.

Re reading
he will read fluently but occasionally answer so incorrectly that you’d struggle to understand how he provided the answer he did, as it’s so left field.

Try not to think of it as the end of the world.
Not everyone is academic and that is ok!!
Focus on his positives. Focus on the things he enjoys, his passions and hobbies.
Be supportive and understanding but also really exaggerate how proud you are of him.

Sorry, shit high schools. My point still stands. And I very clearly said I was against the 11+ system. Just it’s not the parents’ fault, if you happen to live in a grammar school area and the non-selective options are dreadful. I’m also well aware what good comps can achieve. I’m a teacher who’s worked in some excellent comps.

It’s such a toxic system. Time to abolish all grammar schools. They are no longer fit for purpose, ie giving opportunities to bright working class kids. They have become bastions of middle class privilege.

Same for me. Bright at primary, passed the 11+, went to grammar but always one of the lower performers in the class. Did well in my GCSEs and A levels but nowhere near the grades most of the others did. It’s a horrible feeling, effort and behaviour was not rewarded, it was all about academic achievement and if you were not a flyer you were invisible.

Your son would not have thrived there, disappointing as it is, it’s good that he hasn’t passed.

Praise the effort, he did his best and he will be going to a school which is a good fit for him.

I would be bloody livid with the tutor. They should have given you clear feedback over 18 months as to his progress. I live in a grammar school area. Many DC start tutoring but some choose to stop after the first mock around 4 months in. In my experience, the good tutors are honest with how they think the DC will do in the exam and if they will fit in at grammar.

My two son' s both failed the 11+ but did well at GCSE's so it isn't the end of the world. One son has finished Uni and did a degree in computing and the other is doing A levels. I would not panic and see how he does in Secondary, all is not lost and many kids do well at the non-grammars.

Actually I feel glad my son wasn't sent to an all male grammar school as he was friends with a lot of girls as well as boys and it suited him more.
There was a choice of secondary options in my area and the one my oldest son went to was a comprehensive and the other son went to a church school which was the better of the two.

Most of his friends wouldn't have passed. Tell him Saturday morning and then take him to cinema/icecream/bowling to take his mind off things. We all had to to deal with disappointments in life. This too shall pass

He’ll be fine. This is why I hate the 11+. There are loads of examples of people who do amazingly well having not passed the test on that one day. Play it right down, celebrate the fact he did it (don’t share the score). My friends daughter failed it and is thriving!

You realise that there are only 163 Grammar schools in England ,are you insinuating, kids can't do well if they don't go to Grammar schools?

Your son sounds like my daughter. I assumed she was the least clever of my children. During lockdown I discovered she was reading slower than her sister who is 3.5 years younger.

After heated discussions with senco, my daughter has been diagnosed with dyslexia and a processing disorder, I feel her primary school failed her, probably because she was quiet and hardworking, and just got on with it.

Explore the options available to you

Or there is the possibility he does not understand a text because he lacks the knowledge to do so. This is why a knowledge rich curriculum is so important. Reading is decoding + comprehension, and comprehension relies a great deal on our knowledge, not just what words mean, but cultural, historical facts etc. Maybe look at school curriculum as well as think about SEN.

It’s not a white lie if he finds out the truth at some point. If that happens he’ll want to know why OP lied to him.

Schools got so hooked up on phonics that they spawned a whole generation of children who could decode like crazy but couldn’t understand what they’re reading now its coming home to roost.

We used to live on the border of two different local authority areas and one of my kids sat the 11+ for an area we didn't quite live in, while we also looked at the local comps closer to home. He passed and would have been eligible for a place at a very sought-after super-selective grammar, but when I compared the results at GCSE between that and the local comp (and various other markers) the local comp was just as good and in fact a little bit better. Considering the grammar was creaming off the top 20% of kids at 11 and the local comp had a high proportion of SEN kids (as it had a special unit) it became clear to me at that point that grammars are basically a scam - a middle class fetish that actually adds no value at all, while positively discriminating against kids with any kind of additional needs.

I think your DS will do better and be happier at a non-selective school and will probably get better support with any additional needs he turns out to have. I would talk to his primary's senco and press for assessments, but they will probably be more switched on, and better placed to follow through, at secondary. I think you need to find ways to spin this as a blessing in disguise to your DS, and agree with pp who say tell him tomorrow so he has time to adjust before school on Monday. Do you have mum friends you can talk to so you have some idea of who did get into the grammar, so you can prepare him?

And yes, I would want to know why this the first you're hearing of additional needs from the tutor (assuming it is).

It’s a strange situation that you were hoping he’d pass the 11+ and be in the top % of children but then the tutor says he has a learning disability. Quite a difference there.

In our borough we have two grammar schools (single sex) which are accessed through passing 11+.
Only the top 2% of pupils in year 6 meet this standard and the other 98% are either not entered or do not pass. The vast majority of the already bright kids who do pass are tutored to within an inch of their lives to achieve a pass. You and your son have done your absolute best. You for providing the tutor, and him for working hard. Nobody could ask for more. Tell him all of this, and that you’re very proud of his effort. His actual score does not matter. The grammar school would probably not have been the best place for him, and with the amount of effort he has shown, he will flourish in a different school.

I'm an English tutor and have worked with children who are borderline passes. Sometimes the work you do results in a pass; in others, a number of circumstances may converge to bring about a fail. It can be all sorts of things - they're having an off day, they've panicked, it was too hot, there were building works/roadworks close by distracting them, they're overtired - the list goes on.

It's not necessarily that the tutor has been taking your money under false pretences and I would argue that very few would deliberately do that. The tutors I know are very professional and keen for their students to succeed but sometimes, despite our best efforts, all we can do is improve the understanding of our students of the subject and hope to give them a better foundation for the future.

If you have to be tutored to pass the 11+ you shouldn’t attend the school - you’ll only struggle and feel stupid.

He would have had a miserable time at grammar. I failed my 11+ and would never have been able to cope with the school my sister (who passed) went to.

You should definitely not tell him the score. That is a mad suggestion.