DS failed 11+ very upset, angry and sad

[Ouchh1]

DS failed the 11 plus. He had been struggling for a while but wanted to continue like his friends, so we let him.

We weren’t expecting him to pass, and have been stressing to him that the exam isn’t important. But we are crushed at the result: he scored one of the lowest marks in the exam.

We were expecting a higher score given the effort he has put in.

He has worked hard over the past 1.5 years, study a little every day. He has had 121 tuition for over 18 months - including a separate English tutor since January, as English is an area he needed extra help with.

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus.

She said I should speak to the school’s SEN and ask for an assessment. Is this the normal practice?

Although he can read fluently, he doesn’t seem to grasp the text. This is why we hired an English tutor, and she assured me he was making steady progress.

I feel so sorry for him. He is going to be so upset when he finds out. I am holding off telling g him until Sunday.

I am furious with myself - I should never have tried to get him to do the 11+.

What we do now? I am starting to worry about his overall ability and how he will cope at secondary school.

Well for us the results came out on the day they got confirmation of which school they were going to, so if you weren't offered a place at the grammar school, they hadn't passed.

Brilliant post

Scoring low only means he scored low relative to those who sat the 11+ i.e. those who were mostly thought capable of getting into grammar school. Even if it's a true reflection of his capabilities (and it's just as possible he had a bad day/ hasn't yet developed exam technique skills) that doesn't mean he's not capable of doing well at secondary school. Lots of kids who don't get into grammar school do well.

That said, you should definitely have the conversation with his school about possible SEN, it's best to establish if he does need extra support as soon as possible.

Pp are right- are you sure that the tutor isn’t using learning disability as a reason for you to not consider crap tutor ?

How has he been doing at state? Primary?
Is he getting exceeded at anytging.
What does his teacher think he will get on SATs?

I think both you and tutor shouldhave had him sitting past 11+ paper to predict how he would do.
How do you mean he doesnt understand what he has read? Do you ask him q when he reads or you read to him. Like what will happen next or what does this mean. Does it mean x character is x y z .

I imagine kids passing will have reading ages several years above.

It could also mean he is quite literal, does he get jokes and inference?
The 11+ is taken very early y6 so havent weven done that work yet. And obviously some kids 12m older than others.

I would just get him to increase reading maybe try for a book a week? nd then you ask about understanding.
Some people just arent good at comprehension and read and go off on a tanget. My dp is like that and failed gcse english first go.

Maybe he has a language disorder. Perhaps refer to speech and language for a language assessment

How can you possibly know whether he has a learning disability or not?

That's not very helpful.

⬆️ this.

If anyone has failed in this scenario it’s the tutor. She should have flagged at the start that it wasn’t for him and then you wouldn’t have put him through all that and wasted your money. Hope she sleeps well at night 😡

When I spoke to his English tutor this morning, she suggested he might have a mild learning disorder which has been masked from his teachers because of the study he has been doing for the 11 plus

And she only thought to mention it now?! She should have brought this up as soon as she had concerns.

In our area 11+ papers attempt to test for academic potential, and to minimise, as far as possible, the effect if tutoring.

Op states that she didn't expect her son to pass.

I think it souls have been clear to the tutor he probably wouldn’t get sufficient marks and it was very wrong of her to continue taking the money and give false hope. I also have seen children tutored too the hilt, just scrape a pass and really struggle through the whole of secondary. So I think it’s a blessing he will go to a school where he won’t feel bottom of the pile and which will provide an array of education

So a tutor can only do so much, most of it is on the hand the child's intelligence and if course the ability to hold their nerve in an exam

Of course I don't know. I just can't understand why all of a sudden the tutor comes up with the idea? What sort of disability? How mild? Why didn't school pick anything up? Why didn't the tutor assess, look at the results and inform parents/ plan a programme of work?

People have differences and childen develop and change. And adapt.

Exactly. The most successful people have resilience and grit, and are not floored by disappointment. He's old enough to learn that not everyone is capable of everything.

Do not lie to him about his mark if he asks what it is, if he finds out later he will be upset you lied. People who have suggested this need to stop wrapping their child up in cotton wool and realise they can't change every single thing to make their childs passage through life easier, it does not help them in the long run.Tell him all is not lost, he can still be a successful person even without going to grammar.

It sounds as if you could do with learning how to be resilient yourself. It's a hard lesson to learn but sometimes as parents we have to accept our children sometimes aren't how we hoped they'd be. I doubt he has any learning difficulties, people have a range of intelligence and if they're on the lower level it doesn't mean they've got specific difficulties, they're maybe just not as clever as others.

I’m in the same boat Op, my DS failed this week and I’m really sad for him.

He did well in his mocks and obviously just flunked it on the day. Trying to stay positive for him, but he spent 2 years with a tutor and the rest of his group passed (all 15 kids!).

The local comp is crap, so going to try for y7/8 admission, or if worst comes to worst go there for sixth form.

But I’m with you op, I feel sad, angry and lots of other emotions! We’ve got tons of kids driving over an hour to our schools, which just isn’t fair on the city’s kids. I’ve written to our MP!

Firstly, I'm sorry for your DS that he didn't get the result for the school and it is always so hard when you see your kids graft for something and not get the grades.

It sounds like he worked with more than one tutor. Did any of them guarantee you an 11+ success? If they didn't, then unfortunately there are no grounds to complain about not achieving the score to get into the grammar school. Even bright kids who are normally capable of higher scores can sometimes not perform well in exam conditions or just have a bad day. A tutor would be daft to guarantee a pass.

However, if the English tutor thought he had SEN, she should really have spoken up before now. If his English is what let him down, then I guess perhaps there could be a possibility of something like dyslexia? Is there any way you can find out which areas were stronger and weaker? No 11+ where I live so not sure about access to results/more info.

I also don't think not getting into grammar school is the best thing for a child that is not strong academically. DH went to one and it was high pressure, the kids who were at the bottom of the ability range struggled. You may have to accept that your DS isn't as suited to an academic pathway as you might have hoped - he may find other things he's good at as he gets older, and discovering new strengths might be an exciting journey rather than plugging away on a highly academic programme that stresses him out or he doesn't enjoy. The progress he has made through tutoring, even though it wasn't enough to get the score for the grammar, will still stand him in really good stead for secondary. It's not wasted money if his learning has improved and he has new skills and confidence.

Tell him honestly but kindly, don't frame it as a terrible thing, and let him know you are proud of all the work he did and how much progress he's made and you'll always be proud if he puts in the effort, no matter the result. Sometimes in life we do work really hard for things and we don't get the result we wanted, but that doesn't mean the work wasn't worthwhile. Kids do need to experience some (age and stage appropriate) disappointment in life, and parents can't always smooth the path for them as much as we may want to.

Focus on telling him that just by trying, he’s already won. Sitting an exam at that age takes guts, and clearly you son has plenty. Today’s failure is tomorrow’s win. Tell him how proud of him you are for trying, and to never stop trying at anything.

I'd be so cross with the tutor for not flagging his progress much sooner. Let some good come out of this and review the tutor so other students and parents don't have the same outcome.

The tutor is not being helpful.
He didn't pass an exam, not the end of the world. It's clear he was doing his best. Her sole purpose is to help him pass that one exam so if things weren't right he should've been given extra hours or homework, and you should have been aware if he wasn't quite getting everything.

Make sure you don't show any disappointment to him, and just focus on getting him into a non selective school that seems the best for and that he likes the most. His entire academic career doesn't rest on that one test result.

He's clearly got a lot of support from you to succeed academically which is great. But some kids are smart in other ways and don't thrive in rigid exam and traditional academic set ups. Also that tutor did you bad.

The tutor didn’t explicitly say anything but I knew he wasn’t going to pass. he wanted to continue and I thought, ‘let’s continue as it will only help him in the long run.’

But after 18 months, including specialist English tuition, I’m just annoyed at how poorly he did And I’m worried about what the future holds for him.

some of these tutors can hinder a child - tell him tomorrow tho. Children usually have a clear idea of where they stand

Sounds like it was known (maybe just not quite the extent) and they still put him through it

What are his strengths as a young person ?

this!
He doesn't need to know the exact score.

In our area only a very small percentage of the children who take the 11+ get into grammar school. Also. as pp have said, the 11+ is not an ideal exam.

He reads fluently, he works hard and diligently. Such very good qualities.
It sounds like he will do well at secondary school. It is not necessary to go to grammar school to get good A level results if that is what you are aiming for. But confidence helps a lot.
What are his other talents and interests? help him focus on that rather than verbal and non verbal reasoning.