Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

I don’t have a DC with ASD but one of mine had anxiety and made quite a few friends with other kids with ASD who were in mainstream school so high functioning. On several occasions, said friends with ASD did very stupid things on the influence or instruction of other dominant DC who thought it funny to tell a child with ASD to do something like that. Several times videos were taken to humiliate said child. So anyone talking about the OP minimising - you would have needed to be in the situation to observe before you can comment. The whole point is that they tend to do things that are socially not acceptable because they don’t intrinsically understand what is and what isn’t ok to do. So firstly, lots of work needs to be done on protecting your DC from the wrong crowd which is incredibly difficult when they are teens.

Have you ever looked at something like Jaimie’s farm? I would get him working with animals and into something like that. I would probably also get him doing A levels online if he is bright. If he already has some work experience that is great. He really needs to do a lot of work on who he can and can’t trust and what consequences are.

The Army is a ridiculously inappropriate suggestion.

Also the judgey ones on here should be having a look at what they allow and enable their children to do. No doubt they are preening themselves about their perfect kids. But I wonder if their younger ones scoot around a shopping centre, or whizz around a supermarket with a trolley or their older ones drive around the neighbourhood in a dangerous way. All behaviours likely to cause injury and distress but somehow acceptable - well they aren't to me. Glasshouses and stones and all that.

If you can't say anything helpful to the OP go to another thread.

My kids don't have scooters, but are you in all seriousness equating a child on a scooter with a teenager bringing a KNIFE into school? 😕

Help him find a job in a supermarket or something and start looking at college/vocational courses next year.

You can still get a very high grade and go to uni after a level 2 BTEC but the practical based courses and college environment engage on more levels and help with the growing up aspect rather than staying in school.

The "silly" behaviour / borderline crime is someone not managing in their environment and trying to act hard /show off to try and fit in with peers. Nip that in the bud by finding him a grown up occupation that he can succeed in and have better self esteem.

My experience of ADHD in a teen was helped by medication,in fact without it life is full of danger.Lighting fires in the middle of the night.Playing with knives,fighting,causing trouble,the list goes on.He is a different boy medicated and doing well.

Was also going to suggest apprenticeship. Learning a trade might help. I know people who had a similar background and swore by sport, particularly boxing as a way of channeling anger etc.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you are doing a great job and trying your best.

Can I suggest some sort of irl clubs, not just a part time job.
Does he like table top gaming or war hammer or anything like that?

OP, I don't have any advice but wanted to offer some support. My brother was very similar to your son, had some trouble with the police (mainly drugs and drink related, was also once caught carrying a knife by my dad) and was expelled from sixth form and ended up in a part time data entry role. He didn't enjoy the job but earning his own money improved his self-esteem and seeing his friends moving on with life gave him the impetus to turn things around- he restarted A levels at 18, did well, went to uni etc etc and now the expulsion and everything that went with it, which felt like the end of the world to my parents at the time, is just a tiny blip in a very happy life.

Not saying this to minimise what your DS has done or the seriousness of the situation, only to say that people do turn things around. Getting him away from his current situation, the right MH support in place and a part time job would seem a good start. Then look around at what's available- doesn't have to be A levels and there isn't any rush.

Maybe not for the op's son but anyone else who is reading this with younger kids.
My son is ASD and had huge issues with trying to fit in, bullying, silly low level disruptive behaviour
he started judo at age 7 and is now on the county team (he is turning 10)

they learn respect, they learn when to be agressive but more importantly to stop on command, to listen, and after a fight to shake hands, bow to your opponent and walk away - the main thing for him is that it has given him confidence. He takes medals into school and the year bully who is in his class doesn't bother with him and he has stuck up for others who are being bullied. He even stopped an older boy stealing his neighbours bike off his driveway but telling him 'to put it back as it isn't yours'

not saying martial arts is for everyone but for my son it has made a huge difference in him and I would recommend anyone who has a child who needs agression channelled in the right direction to give it a go.

You’re trying to compare running round a shop with a trolley to throwing one if a roof and taking a knife to school?

Every day I’m thankful that I was able to move away from families who think like this.

Throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof which very well could have hit and killed someone. Trespassing onto train tracks - he could have been seriously hurt. Bringing a knife into school. In all honesty, if this was my son, I'd have contacted the police myself to give him a sharp shock before he ends up killing someone. Which from the behaviour you've described, isn't unlikely.

Knife in school, Significant vandalism, trespassing on train tracks is nowhere CLOSE to a 4 yo in a shopping centre on a Peppa Pig scooter don't you know for risk and danger......

So the only 'clever and useful' comments are ones that say what you want then?

This. Students with ASD can be very easily led, not to mention find it difficult to stand up to peer pressure. If other pupils are taking advantage and encouraging him to do these things then it is a form of bullying.

It certainly was but now the little dears are too sensitive for Forces disciplne, no-one is allowed to even raise their voice at them, they actually get mummies and daddies complaining on their child's behalf!

I only got as far as the second paragraph
wow ,you really minimise his behaviour
lucky he’s not dead ,or caused a death .
clearly needed a special residential school to manage him

My fil was a wayward teenager. He left school with no qualifications. His mother didn't know what to do with him, and wanted him in a trade and working. He joined the navy and trained to become an engineer with them. He says it was the best option and really turned his life around. When he left he went on to work for an areoplane manufacturer, earning good money.

He took a knife into school? He should be in jail, not simply expelled.

I can only sympathise with you and would that the work option is definitely what we would try, not everyone needs to get A-levels or a degree, they can come later in life, if deemed necessary, as mine did, I went into work at 16 and got my degree 20 years later.

My friend has a child with ASD and she used to work as a social worker for kids with learning disabilities etc. And she refused to out her child in school because the teachers are not trained to look after and nurture a child with special needs like that.
She home schools (granted her experince at work) and he thrives.

I think it is a great plan what you have said BUT I also think any mainstream education system may not worked and you may need to think of other options alternative education or homeschooling?

All the best

It sounds like you're giving the freedom of a NT teenager, but he's not able to cope with it. He needs more structure and supervision, and to stay away from the others who may also be making poor choices or the consequences may be much worse next time.

Let’s just justify his bad behaviour with the much used ASD , ADHD , etc let the poor bugger have a rest 😂

He should have definitely been prosecuted. It's kind of 50/50 whether he'd have got jailed, possessing a knife on school grounds is usually enough to warrant a custodial sentence but it would depend on the circumstances and to what extent he cooperated with police.

I really hope the police were at least involved, not least because if he's caught with a weapon in future the previous offence would almost certainly mean a prison sentence.

Given the school has now collided with the OP to falsify his records that seems unlikely.

This is going to end very badly for him I think.

Agreed