Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

This is solid advice as I have two DC with ASD. They start to fall apart as life becomes more independent and often need scaffolding. A PT job, paying rent…he’s not capable of this..that’s not how to set straight a ND kid. It sill have the opposite effect.

ASD DC, you have to subtract years from their age to reflect their real maturity. ASD has everything to do with making poor choices and not understanding what is acceptable behaviour.

So, yes a year off for emotional well being, ADHD assessment and looking at realistic options for him is a good idea. Academics may not be right for him too. Start looking at colleges with BTECs and such. Where are his strengths?

My DD (ASD), did take a year off but that was due to CFS/ME. Her sixth form held her place. This isn’t an option for your DS, but it’s true that post-16 education is state funded while 17,18,19. That extra year is there just in case of situations like this. I think my DDs ASD is on a different part of the spectrum too as she’s on the doesn’t give a shit what people think area, where I think your DS may be in the people pleasing will do anything to belong area.

Id also look at his friendship group, he seems quite vulnerable and easily manipulated tbh. So I think he needs therapy from a nueropsychologist familiar with ASD and how conventional therapies do not work.

Good posts, @Oblomov22. I think we're cut from the same cloth.

This

@fUNNYfACE36 Literally WHAT are you talking about? how would My life be in his hands?

Whatever the plan is, you need your son to agree to the details in order for things to be successful.

FWIW I think it's fine to repeat year 12 next September. It might do him good to be somewhere where the people aren't aware of his past behaviour.

Maybe someone has asked this already but it sounds like his choice of friends might be a huge reason why he is where he is. I understand that ASD may make friendships difficult and limited but have you tried monitoring and controlling that side of things ? I know that a tighter grip means he could rebel and become even closer to them but he might have not behaved recklessly with the trolley etc If he works, you may have to monitor his friendships with colleagues who could socialise after work in adult environments like pub which could lead to trouble

I am shocked that his school aren't logging things correctly and making it look like you've voluntarily withdrawn him. I hope that it doesn't restrict the help available to you.

The people serving alongside him might be in that position.

My mam has ASD (low impulse control) and I have ADHD (apparently although I think its a lazy diagnosis to stick on kids with LD to explain our reactions to being bullied) and neither of us would do any of these things.

We also dont have 'hard' lives due to it either, we arent just sat here suffering through life as innocent hard done by victims... people really need to stop infantilising our disabilities like that, those misconceptions are dangerous because they make us appear a 'burden' to society or as 'lesser' people who other can justify would be better of not existing that 'struggling' on.

Neither of those disgnosises in themselves come remotely close to excusing the behaviors you have listed, Your DS is dangerous and you have to take that seriously instead of trying to find an excuse.

I agree.

One thing that the OP is maybe missing in her responses is that many of us had our childhood blighted by children like her son, and worry that our own children may end up having to share a classroom with them, or have to deal with them after school.

Most of us probably know someone similar, the kid who lashes out, brings a knife to school, trespasses on the railway and so on, and we just want them gone from near us and our families.

A mother minimizing this destructive behaviour will of course get short-shrift; you are putting your aggressive, out-of-control criminal child ahead of their innocent one who just doesn’t want to be part of it.

I don’t have a lot of knowledge of this, but I believe there are schools/education facilities which cater for kids who for whatever reason (behaviour etc, not necessarily learning issues) don’t “fit” into regular schools. Might be worth looking into.
good luck 🍀

I haven't read the whole thread, so someone may well have already pointed this out to you.

Emotional maturity goes Backwards during puberty, it does not develop forwards for many well researched biological reasons- so no, you can't use delayed puberty as an excuse for immaturity.

His behaviour is very poor, and you seem to be minimising and excusing

He needs to get into another school or college, asap, doesn't he. Or get a full time job. Last thing he needs to learn is that stupid, selfish and dangerous behaviour gets him a holiday

Ask the council for suggestions. He could maybe join a cohort in a local collage retaking GCSEs, or else redo some of them through night school, and work in the day

Oh honestly. The British army /Royal Navy has run on young men like this for decades. It is often the making of them and they give a huge amount back. Give your head a wobble.

Air Traffic Controller ? Christ, I wouldn’t want him throwing his chair out of the control tower window as I’m trying to land 😳😳

I dont know if you're still reading OP.

My 16yo DS has asd/adhd and a social/emotional delay.. we've figured he isn't in a place to do sixth form, so we're looking at provision that concentrates on his social/emotional development which our local LA provides for kids with SEN for a couple of years and revisiting college at 18.

If your son has an EHCP he can be in education until he's 25, so have a chat with your local SEN team and see if there is anything like my DS is doing available in your catchment.

Bless you @AllNightDiner.

This^
Is he sorry for his actions at all? Or is he blaming you/society/any other random excuse?

He could have killed or injured somebody and you seem to be very much minimalising his behaviour.

I would recommend posting this in SN Chat or the SN Teens section because your son needs SEND support.

His needs are clearly not being met by the school - does he have an EHCP? If no, he should and if yes, you can ask for an early/urgent review.

I would see what programmes Princes Trust are doing locally. They can be great with kids like your DS.

I would not let him have a break. A job is probably unrealistic, although he might do well in a labouring type job with a tough but fair boss. But a break just gives him time to get into more trouble and you may never get him back on track.

There is lots of research into young people not in education, training or jobs and they do not tend to do well. The boredom leads many into worse and worse criminal behaviour.

In terms of the bullying, what punishment did the bullies get? For him to feel the need to take a knife into school, it must have been severe. Did the school do anything before this incident to get the bullying to stop?

Completely agree, also agree with the posters who suggest seeking an ADHD assessment
He needs to massively mature and realise his actions can have very dangerous consequences for others, he could also end up with a criminal record
A full time job, responsibilities in the home, and a routine including enough time to sleep and eating right should hopefully help out
Sorry that you are experiencing this OP but his actions will have consequences for others if they aren’t firmly stopped

@Livinginanotherworld clearly he wouldn't be applying or doing this type of important work right now. Unlike yourself, I'm trying to give Op some conversation/work education starters for the future.

Many many many young delinquent men grow up to be awesome.

Look at the scottish author Darren McGarvey. Was (in his own words a druggy Ned) now an Orwell prize winner, documentarian award winning, tv producer & family man.

The OP's son has sen and all you can offer is nastiness. Please troll elsewhere.

Boxing is a great idea. There are very few better ways to show someone the necessity of putting in the right effort in the right way if you want to succeed. It also burns off a huge amount of energy and teaches discipline.

I don’t know if I’ve missed it, but is his father round, and could they go together?

Sending you love and support as you deal with this tricky situation.

I agree with pp, with regard to letting him have some time off studying. He's a bright lad, so he'll catch up with his peers.

Have you thought about an apprenticeship?

I'm not sure introducing him to criminals is the bright idea others seem to think. Pointing people in prison in the direction of an aimless teen prone to immaturity and reckless behaviour with lots of time on his hands, might not end well.

I would get a police officer to talk to him (if that didn't already happen with the shopping trolley incident and taking the knife to school). His behaviour has been skirting criminality and he needs to see how his impulsiveness can wreck his life and any potential victims.

I'd find him some volunteering between now and Christmas. Something with little opportunity for the chaos he likes to indulge. Joining a gym or martial arts class would be good too. Then in the new year assess where he is with regards his physical and MH issues. Decide at that point whether college or a steady job with low expectations would be better. If he's bright, he will find his way eventually. But atm the priority has to be minimising the risk that his bad decisions lead to tragedy for him or someone else.

Yeah there are some daft suggestions. Air traffic controllers have to have superb concentration and be unflappable.

I gave practical advice on my other comment. But I also think he would be helped by you better if you did not minimise what he is doing.
He can get back on track, but he needs help to. It is best not to minimise his behaviour and difficulties.

I'm not sure the posters who are recommending the army or navy are taking into account his "massively delayed" puberty for which he is about to start treatment. This condition has a variety of physical symptoms, none of which will equip him for doing basic training alongside a load of strapping young people without similar issues.