Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

If the problem is the peer group and he has work experience, a job or apprenticeship makes sense but if he is dealing with ASD and poor impulse control, a school environment will be much more forgiving and offer better support. It's hard to make sense of the options for a boy who has been working for years without incident (in a client facing role?) and is well-liked by teachers and colleagues but also struggles with low impulse control, ASD and behavioral issues that led to exclusion.

Lots and lots of boys get into trouble at this age. It is not that unusual. But this is the point to turn things around.
Please look at programmes like the Prince's Trust or similar in your area. He needs engagement with adults who can get him into a positive training programme.

I also would not worry about him being really bright but not achieving his academic potential. He is still very young. There is plenty of time to go back to college if he decides to at a later stage. What he needs is to catch up on his development and stop getting into trouble.

What was he previously studying and does he know what he’d like to do afterwards?
I agree some structure to the rest of the year, but out of academics would be a great option for him. A part time job, gym visits x times a week, a set of chores and maybe some self directed study to keep his hand in? Something like duolingo or a mooc?

Yes take a year out. Take the meds. Find work which means he is in the company of mature adults does help. Sixth form college next year perhaps. My three learnt so much working with adults from the age of 16. It does rub off. They learn discipline, hierarchy and some financial independence.

It really does take a village to raise a child

I have often wondered about the parents who have allowed their children to turn the once safe and peaceful England into war zones in so many areas. I often thought about their excuses for their children's behavior. And here it is, a real live one, making excuses for criminal children.

I emigrated from England 50 years ago and the country I left was not at all like the one you describe - where violence and the use of weapons is considered low level and normal. If someone did what is described here when I was a girl in the 50's & 60's they would have been put in a borstal. In fact I don't remember any boys breaking windows, throwing carts off roofs etc.

We weren't all goodie two shoes back then btw, in our teens we discovered speed (drugs) and all-nighters, but we loved after our country, didn't try to destroy it and the people in it.

I think he is probably best just starting a job to be honest. The things he is doing are dangerous. The shopping trolley incident really could have killed someone. I am a parent of 4 children with ASD and they do need boundaries not people excusing their behaviour their conditions because if you keep doing that you will end up with serious problems. If he is emotionally immature then he really should be supervised whilst out so he is not posing a danger to himself or others. Even the railway incident he could have got himself killed but your sort of making light of these things as silly things but they aren't silly they are dangerous.

Is he under Cahms? Does he ever receive consequences for his actions?

My DH is a Train Driver.

In his career he has been unfortunate enough to tragically hit and kill 2 people in 2 separate incidents.

Kids playing on the railway line make me so angry when I see the effect it has on DH and his colleagues

Did your Son ever give any thought to that OP?

Did you?

Why only a part time job? He's a young lad. He can do full time and still go to the gym, do chores at home, study etc. How do you think other people manage to fo it all.

OK, have skipped a few pages of generalisations about boys/ the army/behaviour and schools.

So, to clarify - 'expulsion' from sixth form is not the same as pre 16 and cannot be challenged in the same way- as , theoretically, attendance at school is no longer mandatory. By extension, because of the preciousness of sixth form per pupil funding expulsion is a very rare step at post 16.

However, he does need to remain in education or training until 18 and this is where OP needs advice.

The school could/should have signposted the OP towards careers advice and other agencies but they are under no obligation to have him back. Given the non expulsion for the knife incident it actually sounds like they tired to be accommodating.

I hope that someone can help OP and her DS to turn things round. It doesn't sound like sixth form was the thing that was going to turn him round. The amount of downtime and self study may not provide enough structure for a start.

The Sixth Form should have a Careers Advisor who should support your son with options like Traineeships , Apprenticeships, Training Programmes, Princes Trust etc. If they dont or wont have him back on site contact your local council who have to provide NEET (not in Employment, Education and Training )Careers provision . He and you are understandably upset BUT there will be a way forward. Perhaps also look at local FE Colleges to see if they have any late start provision OR that he can enrol on a Btec course next year?

He can't just go off and get a job - this is not training. Unless it is an apprenticehsip.

I have a son.
Not nearly as difficult as yours seems to be.
Smoking pot etc and just on his game player all the time, dropped out of A'Levels.
Just going up the tech and getting some good skills made the best of him.
He's now down south, Subrariner of all things!
Academics aren't a fit for a lot of kids.
There are other options.
Good luck with your boy

I am not sure whether you are still reading OP but we have been through this and out the other side, so I am not sure whether this will help.

My son was a nightmare for about four years. Similar stuff to your son to be honest. I was at my wits end with him. Nothing seemed to get through to him.

I tried shouting, grounding him, talking calmly with him, taking away his possessions, stopping him seeing certain friends - nothing worked. Nothing. He simply did not seem to care about consequences.

We had visits from the police, letters from the council threatening an ASBO, almost constant calls from school about behaviour. I was close to having a breakdown.

My DS got kicked out of school permanently when he was 15.

He was not even allowed inside a Pupil Referral Unit so instead the local authority set up lots of different courses for him to do, bricklaying, fixing cars, other construction work. He also did some courses with young people who had been through similar things and they did some workshops with him about his behaviour/drugs/alcohol etc.

He also had a key worker. What an amazing man he was. I think my son would be dead or in prison without him.

During this period he was diagnosed with ASD. For some reason this diagnosis seemed to flick a switch inside him and once he knew why he felt different to his friends he seemed to calm right down.

He took GCSE maths and English and is now doing a three year plastering course at college and has an apprenticeship. When he finishes that he will enrol on another course to train to become an electrician as well.

He has a lovely girlfriend and they have been on three holidays this year, which he has paid for himself.

He has learnt to drive and bought his own car and pays for the insurance himself.

I honestly don't know what changed. The ASD diagnosis seemed to calm him and his key worker was a superstar too. But DS had to put the work in as well.

I am so proud of him and what he has achieved so far.

I know it all seems hopeless now but your son can do this.

Why is it ‘clueless and stupid’?
When (if) he goes to another 6th Form, does he intend to tell them that actually he was permanently suspended because he took a knife into school? Or will he be ‘encouraged’ to keep that information to himself and just make up some tale about him not liking his last school along with having some health issues?

Nobody is going to give this lad a job. I've employed some people with criminal records before, but this behaviour is premeditated and vicious. No-one will employ him. He needs to be made to understand where he is going if he doesn't stop - a YOI (How is he not already in one, I'm not sure) - and then he really will be lost in the university of crime. :(

He threw a supermarket trolly off a roof FFS. How can you compare that to riding round a supermarket on a scooter?
Do you also think carrying a knife into school is like sneaking a mobile phone in? Both may be against the school rules, but one is also against the law and the knife carrier can be arrested and charged.

I don’t know where you can get help from, but your ds’s actions are terrifying. It’s lucky that nobody was walking on the street when the trolley was thrown off the roof. Can you imagine if someone had been killed? I have a ds the same age with ASD. Honestly ASD does not account for this behaviour and I think it’s desperately urgent that he receives help before he kills someone.

@lieselotte

Nope, my DCs did none of that.

OP
You are burying your head in the sand here, with your focus on his potential and the minimising of the reckless and destructive behaviour he is repeatedly engaging in.

If you can afford to get him seen by a psychologist for an assessment for ADHD with PDA do that. Do whatever it takes to get a thorough assessment asap. You can work on getting a job or apprenticeship for him once you have a clearer idea as to what you're looking at.

He will be fired from any job or scheme he gets into if he brings weapons to the worksite. He will very likely get only one bite at the cherry here, and he needs to know that.

Regardless of the outcome of his assessment, you are going to have to reassess your approach at home. For starters, I would put an immediate end to the gaming. He clearly can't distinguish between reality and the world behind the screen. He needs to join a gym and start working his energy out in physical exercise.

I can't say that we experienced these more frightening episodes with our 17 year old, but he was pretty challenging of most boundaries at that time, and we kept him in school by the skin of our teeth (even after changing schools to the one of his choice, he carried on pushing).

What worked for us, you have in place to some extent already, but you might find something useful here:

1. We insisted he get a part-time job, which he did. And enjoyed, and has always had part-time jobs since (now 4 years on, and in second year of university).
2. We packed his life with helpful adults, who weren't us: 1-2-1 training at the gym with a young male PT who got him taking pride in his fitness and appearance; tutors in 2 of his A level subjects so he could ask questions and work through problems with them, away from the gaze of his peers; a driving instructor he liked.
3. We set up the garage as a den with a fridge, his weights set, a heater, some old chairs, and turned a blind eye to late nights with his mates in there.
4. We got a puppy, who became a safe object for love, tenderness, fun - he could express all this around the dog, and look after it (sometimes! mostly I did, obviously) and it was and still is, a valuable common ground between us.
5. I worked really, really hard at being supportive and trusting him, and not rushing to judgement about things he did, paths he wanted to take, mistakes he inevitably made. This was not easy for me, but little by little, he began to trust that we wouldn't fly off the handle at everything, so opened up a bit more. I still worry about his decisions and priorities, but over time, I've come to trust his instincts and judgements more, as he's matured.

It is not easy getting a child through adolescence into adulthood. And it takes a bloody long time as well! it feels longer than any other phase, and the risks are much higher as they're bumping up against the outside world. I hope you get all the help you need, OP.

I agree with all the statements about the gym it can have such a positive impact.

Actually @JaNath the school are breaking the law by off-rolling him. Don't let them do this!!!
It's preventing your son from getting support that he needs and making the school look better as there will be no evidence that they have failed him!

Get legal advice.

Have a look at www.justforkidslaw.org/school-exclusions-hub/practitioners-and-professionals/introduction-school-exclusions

She’s not rude or aggressive, you are just lacking in comprehension skills if you can’t read a post correctly.

I get you must feel embarrassed but own it instead of insulting people.

Speak to camhs about whether they can get him into a supportive programme, allowing him to be at home is rewarding his criminal behaviour. He can't be employed unless it's an apprenticeship at his age (or pt with a college place separately)

Are you serious??? The school need to safeguard their students, not let a clearly undisciplined, violent pupil loose with a knife.

FFS.

This ^