Our son has just been expelled from Sixth Form - What Now?

[JaNath]

Our son, who started Sixth Form in September, has just been expelled. Over the past few years he's done silly things, such as going onto train tracks, throwing a shopping trolley off a car park roof. None of his anti-social behaviour has ever been directed towards anyone else, and he's always done these stupid things with others.
Earlier this year, close to his GCSE exams, he took a knife into school as his way of showing some kids that were bullying him that he was "tough". He narrowly avoided expulsion then and spent the rest of the year and his exams in the isolation unit. His GCSE results were good - he's extremely bright - but could have been a lot better. His first choice A-Levels were therefore not possible, so he had to repick.
Last week he and another pupil were caught in a nearby office building, recently vacated and empty, smashing windows. It was obvious what would happen and the meeting with the head yesterday delivered the inevitable.
Our son has it rough in life; he is ASD (as is his father) and we recently discovered his puberty is massively delayed. Hormone therapy will begin in the next couple of days. Friendships have always been hard and life at home the past few years has been hellish at times, the most frequent battles centering around his only hobby and passion, videogames.
We are researching his options. Our thoughts veer toward letting him have the entire rest of this academic year off, as it were. A part-time job, 20/30 hours a week, some study and, most of all, time for the hormone therapy to kick in and he matures, in all respects (there hasn't been enough study to show whether delayed puberty has an effect on emotional maturity, but it seems a no brainer to us. He is very childish for his age).
He is under CAMHS, takes an SSRI (which helps enormously with his social anxiety) and has so, so much potential. But he's now clearly depressed, fearful and more withdrawn from us as parents than ever before.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something similar? Any and all advice is most welcome. We are at the end of our wits, tethers and anything else you care to mention.
TIA.

@fUNNYfACE36 oh dont talk rubbish, it would be knocked out of him in he first month of training, and if it wasn't he'd be out on his ear anyway.

Agree.
I was at the funeral of a 15 year old last Friday. He had been stabbed outside his school at 3pm by 2 boys aged 15 and 17.
Watching his mother and family and friends being broken by grief is not something I ever want to witness again.
Please don't minimise carrying a knife.
It is not just "silly".

Women are admitted to the army nowadays, many of whom will be of a similar size and strength to the OP’s son, so being at the smaller end of the male spectrum need not be an insurmountable problem.

I haven’t read all the replies so this may have already been suggested - have you engaged with charities specifically focused on getting young people into employment/training?

I dropped out of college at 17 due to personal issues and received mentoring to help me go back. My friend also dropped out and the Princes Trust helped her build her confidence and go on a sailing trip with the Jubilee Trust which changed her life (now works in outdoor sports). I’m sure government cuts will have reduced what’s available now but there’s still a lot of good charities out there trying to help kids like your son. He clearly needs more help than he’s currently getting.

I know it’s old ground but I agree with other posters, the things your son has done sound really dangerous. Teenagers don’t always understand that it’s sheer luck that stops bad stuff happening to you, the consequences of some of these actions could easily be death or serious harm for himself or others. They’re not silly, they’re really serious - I hope you find the right support before his luck runs out.

I'm a bit surprised that you describe his behaviour as 'silly' tbh. Perhaps it was just bad phrasing, but he should have learnt after the first incident (climbing onto a roof and throwing a shopping trolley off) that showing off in front of your friends isn't worth it. Going into a building and smashing all the windows is vandalism and shows no respect or responsibility.

However, perhaps you realise this and are trying to get help for him, but didn't word your OP very well. I think getting help/counselling for his behaviour should be top priority. I know it's very difficult at that age because you can't control everywhere they go and who they make friends with. But you need to get to the bottom of why he has so little respect. Is he disrespectful to you or other members of the family?

I would strongly suggest that you restrict his access to gaming.

Join the Parenting Mental Health group on FaceBook. It's crammed full of parents who support each other with their children's various mental health issues. There's lots of understanding and no judgement- and they offer courses to help parents too.

Depending on what his A level subject are, (and your personal resources)you might be able to home-school him through the syllabi and let him take the exams as an external candidate.

If he passes A levels, he could still be on track for several choices; entrance to university, FE course, an apprenticeship.

He has escaped several life-disasters by the skin of his teeth ( criminal convictions for assault with a weapon, killing a passer by, criminal damage, train disaster, vandalism ). Frankly you do him no favours by minimising those behaviours as immature schoolboy "silliness". You and DH need to recognise the serious risk he is at, because until you do, he won't.

When he's in court facing criminal charges, nobody's going to care that he's bright, impulsive, or physically immature, taking SsRIs, that his loving parents care. He WILL end up in Young Offenders Institute where you will have NO CONTROL whatever and cottonwool cocooning does not exist.

OP where abouts in the country are you? We own a construction firm and would be happy to discuss possible options for your son.

It isn't just smaller size. It can involve a lot of things like undeveloped genitalia, muscle development, lack of body hair, a voice that hasn't broken. This si before his ASD is considered. I have doubts it would come to that though, as military selection has moved on from WW1.

I think your idea of a year off education with a job is a good idea, the job will give him some responsibility and something to get up for, my brother went through similar stuff minus the bad behaviour at that age and he's almost 20 now his job has really helped him

OP , if you are still reading I just want to let you know that I see you - as do many of the other parents that are trying to do their best to navigate life with kids that have ASD and ADHD. There are some people on this thread that have been really nasty and unhelpful, and I can only assume it's because they are fortunate enough to have kids that don't struggle every single day with these disorders.

I would second the advice up-thread about getting CAMHS involved again for an ADHD assessment, and further support. I would also agree with giving him some time off to grow, both physically and mentally. Lastly, things are obviously tough at the moment but make sure that you are looking after yourself too.

No chance of go8ing airside if the police have been involved
Also have to have great exam results

Utterly clueless and stupid comment.

How does he react when you talk 1:1 to him about what has been going on?

Can you realistically keep him away from his friends, or will he just e.g. leave the house?

Are you safe, or has he ever hurt you?

These would all determine my advice, from having worked with a range of students with emotional, mental health or behavioural needs caused by ASD, ADHD or life experience.

What I would say is that he can finish his education any time, or he can go into employment. He doesn't have to follow the same path that other young people are following. He can take longer or do it later if he needs to. The priority is understanding why he behaves like this (and it isn't just ASD/ADHD/delayed puberty, there will be other, interlinking reasons) and then helping him understand why he needs to change how he behaves.

He took a knife into school 😯 OP I’m sorry, that is really really serious and could have ended so so much worse. I’m not surprised he’s been kicked out.

I’m not sure ASD is an excuse for much of this behaviour tbh.

I hope you get him the help he needs.

i would not want your son anywhere near my kids school

"What's needed for knife crime is calm solutions from experts, not populist hysterics which seems to the be the order of the day from the current gov," ?

Agree with @londongals So it's other people's fault knife crime is it? Not the fault of those carrying and using knives? That's the clear problem isn't it? That its someone else who should be managing this, and people have to be told or coerced into not carrying knives or that stabbing people is not a good thing.
Oh wait, has anyone told them it's #notkind? Maybe that'll work?...

He would have to pass a medical and it may be that his medical issues would preclude joining up. But that would be for the army to assess.

Sorry this has haappened, but the school didn't have much choice. It's nobody's fault but they're not meeting his needs and he has a pattern of dangerous unpredictable behaviour.

I haven't been through anything this serious as DS got help much younger so we were on top of things younger. When a kid has reasons for bad behaviour and it's been happening for a long time it's easy to kind of pass over just how dangerous they have become to themselves and others. You can get habituated. So I would just say that your son is very disabled and yes, quite dangerous. Good idea to check for ADHD as well as ASC; kids with both diagnoses often have an extra-hard time.

And IMO @Venetiaparties advice is mostly along the right lines, except for just the very first bit:

I would tell him this is precisely where he will end up in less than twelve months unless he stops this behaviour immediately.

I wouldn't do this bit, not if a kid has an ASC, for two reasons. First, because he probably wont know what you mean by "this behaviour". We do, you do, but
ASC often comes with not generalising and not making connections. So he didn't bring a knife to school again but no matter how clever he is, he really might not get "don't bring a knife to work" or "don't take a cosh to the shops" as well. And second, because the anxiety of not knowing how to avoid this terrible future might actually make him worse. Anxiety fuels aggression, self harm, and all kinds of things you don't want. So the other suggestion upthread (sorry I forget whose) of some calm-down time before you intriduce other activities may also be a good idea.

(Oh and also you mustn't tell a kid with an ASC that they will end up somewhere in precisely 12 months time because if it's 11 months and 3 weeks they'll think you lied to them )

But apart from that - yes to the charities, yet to Princes Trust, and also yes to the youth offending team. The aim of the YOT is to keep kids out of prison. He wont be the first lad with developmental issues that they've seen. And he has one thing in his favour - he has his parents' support. You can back them up, and him up, and that will all help.

we've worked it out so that he is leaving voluntarily hence no record for him nor the school.

I am not sure how much diffference it makes at his age but that may actually stop him getting some kinds of help. When kids are permanently excluded there's usually an obligation on the education authority to find something more suitable. And it adds to the picture of how severe his needs are and how they aren't being met. If he just leaves voluntarily no-one has to do anything and they can shrug him off.

Good luck OP, it's a minefield.

It may be a coincidence that I saw this thread, but earlier in the day I saw a Reddit post by a sixth form student who claims to have been kicked out due to taking a knife to school.

Haven't RTFT here so I'm not sure if you have mentioned if he is remorseful or not, but if this Reddit post is from your child they are not showing an understanding of the gravity of the situation describing bringing a knife the school as 'being silly and having fun' or that the 'woke mob is cancelling' them.

So sorry you are going through this OP. It's not surprising he's been expelled but good that his school's been as helpful as they could be.

A friend of mine with an autistic teen ds with social anxiety got a family dog, ostensibly for ds to take care of though the bottom line is the whole family are involved and the dog is much loved. Having this responsibility gets ds out and interacting and gives him some responsibility. I wonder if a pet for ds to take care of might be rewarding for him and help him mature a little.

You may already have pets of course but in any case good luck.

Hey OP since your son's interested in video games have you considered steering him towards games development as a potential future vocation?

Theres quite a few different roles from programming, gameplay and level design, art, animation, production, narrative writing, production, QA testing etc? Maybe training towards a career in his hobby might help him get engaged with his education? The games industry is a diverse bunch and I have a few colleagues with ASD and ADHD. Xx