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Secondary education

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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
Courtier · 18/11/2021 13:38

Why else would she use it if she didn't know it was offensive to his race?

And the people saying midget is as bad as a racial slur are bonkers. No it's not, especially not if the DD doesn't have dwarfism. Calling someone small is not on par with a word that dehumanises black people and was used to justify extreme and sickening violence against them.

thickthighs73 · 18/11/2021 13:38

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Courtier · 18/11/2021 13:40

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
.... I doubt you're so old as to be older than the racist use of the word monkey. It's been used as an insult to black people in texts as far back as the 11th century.
SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 13:41

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Placido · 18/11/2021 13:44

@Courtier I think calling someone anything based on their appearance is pretty horrible, the boy shouldn't have started it by calling her a midget and she by no means should have responded using racist language and she deserves the actions the school has taken against her. Don't belittle calling someone something like a ''midget though, girls mental health is constantly eroded by being called names based on their appearance.

stairway · 18/11/2021 13:44

I agree calling an 11 year old vile is awful. The language used is vile. The 11 year old doesn’t know the historical context to the word she just knows it an insult. It’s up to an adult to explain it.

JadeSeahorse · 18/11/2021 13:46

@Beefcurtains79

Midget is disabilist though isn’t it? Both are unacceptable.
This!
lunar1 · 18/11/2021 13:46

Children are generally taught at primary school that certain animal names are racist.

The parents of my child's bully were brought into school. He was heavily punished, suspended and is on a last chance, but his behaviour was worse, as his went on for weeks.

The school said they would draw a line under it, if nothing like it ever happened again. A single racist behaviour in the future and he will be expelled.

Courtier · 18/11/2021 13:50

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

That's unlikely to be random insult. I reckon she knew what she was saying.

Mmm!

Boy: Hey midget...
DD: You horrible pig

Boy is Jewish or Muslim

Boy: Miss, miss she called me a pig and I am very upset about that

Pig is widely known in Britain to be an indiscriminate insult. So even if it's offensive in other cultures they would know that in ours it was not meant to be culturally insensitive but instead just generally insulting.

In British culture, monkey is known to be actively racist.

MrsAvocet · 18/11/2021 14:06

I think the school are actually handling this with a pretty light touch. At my children's school I would expect at the very least a period of internal exclusion for using language like this. They may be taking other factors into consideration I suppose.
I think the boys use of language is a bit of a red herring . Yes, it was wrong. And I don't think the fact that the OP's DD isn't actually disabled really matters. I was bullied due to my physical stature/ appearance at school and it certainly did have a long term impact on me. Plus using ableist language is wrong even when it is not used directly at disabled people at the time, because it normalises it. If someone were to call a colleague who is having trouble grasping a new concept an R or S for instance that would still be offensive language, just as it isn't ok to call someone an M, whether they actually have Down Syndrome or not. The slur is still aimed at people with disabilities. So I think the use of ableist language definitely is an issue, but right now, it is not the OP's issue to deal with.
Being insulted doesn't give anyone a free pass to use racist (or other offensive) language themselves. Whatever the boy called her, the OP's DD should not have used a racist slur as she did. It is for the boy's family and the school to deal with his behaviour and the OP and the school to deal with her DD's behaviour.
Justifying bad behaviour as a response to someone else's bad behaviour is how things escalate. People spend to much time worrying about "who started it" when the focus really needs to be on who's going to stop it.
OP, I do think you should contact school and I think it is disappointing that they haven't contacted you directly. This seems to be part of a wider behaviour issue that's developing and in your shoes I'd want to be working with school to get to the bottom of it now. Your DD is only 11. She's behaving badly at present and that does need to be punished, but she's a child, hardly a hardened criminal, and she also needs help and support. I hope you're able to find out what's behind al, this and get it sorted soon.

Yusanaim · 18/11/2021 14:07

So calling someone a midget is what? A flattering comment? Surely it was used in a derogatory way?
Seems one sided this - no dispute her comment was racist but it was in response to ..... what ? Surely he was being Nasty? Wind up? Hope teachers also pointed out that he shouldn't mock people's height.

thickthighs73 · 18/11/2021 14:35

Racism is learned behaviour

MarshmallowSwede · 18/11/2021 14:36

It’s always good to know what kind of people are here. All of the racism apologists have come out from under their rocks to say it’s not a big deal.

Then some mouth breathers are saying since the boy called her midget therefore “starting this first” he deserved to be called a racial slur.

This is why racism isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

MarshmallowSwede · 18/11/2021 14:40

Oh and by the way.. just because someone upsets you does not give you the right to call them a racial slur.

Everyone saying well he said this or that. And what? So what this tells me that if you as an adult feel insulted by a person of colour that you also hurl racial slurs.

And this is why racism will never end. It’s learned behaviour anyway. So children learn it from adults. And judging by some of the comments a lot are leading from their equally racist mothers.. very interesting!

thickthighs73 · 18/11/2021 14:43

@MarshmallowSwede

Oh and by the way.. just because someone upsets you does not give you the right to call them a racial slur.

Everyone saying well he said this or that. And what? So what this tells me that if you as an adult feel insulted by a person of colour that you also hurl racial slurs.

And this is why racism will never end. It’s learned behaviour anyway. So children learn it from adults. And judging by some of the comments a lot are leading from their equally racist mothers.. very interesting!

This
SundayTeatime · 18/11/2021 14:45

All of the racism apologists have come out from under their rocks to say it’s not a big deal.

I don’t think anyone has said that, though. Because the OP didn’t say what her child actually said, that led to a lot of speculation, but once she revealed the word, then absolutely no-one has said it’s not a big deal.

stairway · 18/11/2021 14:49

No one is saying racist language is ok, people are just questioning why using derogatory language associated with a type of disabled person isn’t seen as being bad.

Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 14:53

@thickthighs73

Your child is vile
Awful thing to say about a child, she’s 11 and has fine something wrong she’s being (rightly) punished for . It doesn’t make her vile at all
Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 14:54

@MarshmallowSwede

Oh and by the way.. just because someone upsets you does not give you the right to call them a racial slur.

Everyone saying well he said this or that. And what? So what this tells me that if you as an adult feel insulted by a person of colour that you also hurl racial slurs.

And this is why racism will never end. It’s learned behaviour anyway. So children learn it from adults. And judging by some of the comments a lot are leading from their equally racist mothers.. very interesting!

So if someone not white calls me a fat bitch or similar it’s ok for me to use a racial slur against them? It’s not and never will be
Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 14:55

Sorry Marshmallow I am agreeing with you if it’s not obvious

girlmom21 · 18/11/2021 14:55

@CatsArePeople

Being short isn't a disability. The OP has given no indication that her daughter has dwarfism. Height isn't a protected characteristic in law

Its still an insult. The boy started it. The girl just didn't know any better.

Bollocks. The op admits her daughters repeatedly bullied this boy. This wasn't an isolated incident.
Original poster
SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 14:57

Racism is learned behaviour

I agree with you.

But she hasn't learnt it from me or DH or any extended family, nobody in our family is that stupid.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 18/11/2021 15:03

I hope the other child was also pulled up on using the word "midget" which is also unpleasant and offensive.

stairway · 18/11/2021 15:18

Hoppinggreen I don’t think it’s ok to call someone a fat bitch though, that could be seen as a mysogynistic slur if a man said it , does it justify a racist slur of course not. I think any tit for tat needs to be stamped out.

CraftyGin · 18/11/2021 16:00

My view is that 11 year olds are learning their way in the world.

Using the terms pig or monkey can probably be explained as perfectly benign. For example, when I was a child, in my 100% white community, it would not be uncommon to call someone a pig. The term, monkey, is often used to describe a loveable rogue (especially if they are 2 or 3). This can be confusing to an 11yo.

Only she knows what her intentions were at the time. She must feel wretched, especially given the school's and her parents' reaction. She has apologised, and is taking the standard school punishment. I am sure she is in no doubt why these terms are offensive.

I think we could show some forgiveness and move on.