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Secondary education

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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
Kikkomam · 18/11/2021 11:56

I wouldn't bother emailing the school at all. Just tell your dd you support them and discussion over.

BeyondOurReef · 18/11/2021 11:56

@SaveTheMockingBird

Asking for the boy to be punished for calling her a midget seems petty (not to be diablist) with her having called him what she did. It might come across being "tit for tat".
I wouldn’t ask about that at all.

But I’d ask about the general name calling etc and peer group relations. That’s not something any school wants to encourage. The kids need to learn to deal with each other reasonably and respectfully.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 18/11/2021 11:57

Obviously she shouldn't have called him this and it's a racist term. As a teacher I have definitely seen in primary school kids pick terms that they know are offensive but don't always fully understand the seriousness. So I can believe this is possible in early secondary.

Sounds like the school have taken the context you described (she herself being mixed race, her friend also involved being black and the victim verbally abusing her too) into account in their punishment which is pretty light.

She fully understands now. You have reinforced at home in different ways. I think you've done all you can and should move on from it.

Sirzy · 18/11/2021 11:57

Hopefully between your response and schools response this will be enough to give her a kick up the backside to sort herself out.

Cas112 · 18/11/2021 11:57

@SaveTheMockingBird

Her best friend who also called the boy this slur is half-black.

DD and her friend has also been picking on my son calling him names. They have acted very immaturely and it has resulted in this.

That's disgusting! Does she call her white friends monkeyface? I bet not.

And no matter what ethnicity her friend is it DOES NOT GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER the right to use that word. How can you even try and excuse it because her friend said it. AWFUL

Bideshi · 18/11/2021 12:00

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
In actual fact it goes well back into the 19th century when Punch depicted Darwin as a monkey. I'm sure there were plenty of other depictions through the first half of the 20th century, in cartoons, films, adverts and so on. The Umbongo soft drink ads keep popping into my head. The general implication is that, as Kipling said, black people are 'the lesser breed without the law.'

The insult really hit its stride among football supporter from the 70s onward. Why do you think they throw bananas at black player, scratch their armpits and make monkey noises? How can you not know this? The Hungarian supporters were doing this only a couple of weeks ago.

My DIL sometimes calls my GS a monkey. She is white and he is white. Context is all.

daisypond · 18/11/2021 12:01

Ah, now I’ve seen the update on the word used, that is definitely racist and the child should know better. And it seems clear that it is not just a one-off comment but part of a sustained bullying campaign.

CatsArePeople · 18/11/2021 12:02

She absolutely knew Monkeyface was racist, or at the very least specifically hurtful to this black kid, it's ridiculous to assert otherwise. Poor kid, only 11

"poor kid" by 11 should have known better than to bully a girl.

miltonj · 18/11/2021 12:02

Of course calling someone a midget who doesn't have any form of dwarfism isn't the same as calling someone who is actually black, a racist slur!!

The OPs daughter doesn't have dwarfism so while the term midget might not be a good word to use, it is not personally abusive or hurtful to the girl. Calling someone who is actually black a racial slur is abhorrent and I'm surprised there are so many people conflating the two, which I see as low key racism.

Lorw · 18/11/2021 12:06

@CatsArePeople

She absolutely knew Monkeyface was racist, or at the very least specifically hurtful to this black kid, it's ridiculous to assert otherwise. Poor kid, only 11

"poor kid" by 11 should have known better than to bully a girl.

I think from what OP has said her daughter and her best friend is the one bullying...
Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 12:07

@SaveTheMockingBird

I will email the head of year 7 regarding this who is the person she is having a detention with today. To emphaise that we are disappointed with her and we fully support the school in the action taken.
No need at all
Theunamedcat · 18/11/2021 12:09

Perhaps moving forward you can ask the school for some separation measures to be implemented as they clearly don't get along

DumplingsAndStew · 18/11/2021 12:10

@CatsArePeople

She absolutely knew Monkeyface was racist, or at the very least specifically hurtful to this black kid, it's ridiculous to assert otherwise. Poor kid, only 11

"poor kid" by 11 should have known better than to bully a girl.

Are you fucking serious? The kid deserved to be racially targeted because he was in an argument with a girl (is it always bullying if a male argues with a female?) and made fun of her height?

Yeah, he was asking for it. Hmm

Would he have been asking for it if she'd called him a nr? What about if a kid with cerebral palsy referenced her height? It'd be okay to call them a rd? A sp**c maybe?

Cowpad · 18/11/2021 12:11

I would contact school to let them know,you support their action.then I would sit down and have a conversation with your daughter.you need to find out,why she is behaving like this.Just punishing your daughter without actually communicating with her is a very unskilled response here.Most bullies actually have a very low self esteem.you have to give her confidence in the right way,so she does not have to "lash out" .sounds she might feel not very confident about her size.talk with her,dont talk to her and her behaviour will like her academic achievments.good luck.

TeeBee · 18/11/2021 12:11

@miltonj

Of course calling someone a midget who doesn't have any form of dwarfism isn't the same as calling someone who is actually black, a racist slur!!

The OPs daughter doesn't have dwarfism so while the term midget might not be a good word to use, it is not personally abusive or hurtful to the girl. Calling someone who is actually black a racial slur is abhorrent and I'm surprised there are so many people conflating the two, which I see as low key racism.

How do you know its not hurtful to the girl?!? My son hated being shorter than his friends and got very hurt when people commented on it. Its not racist to point out that name calling hurts people. What utter bollocks.
Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 12:11

Some of the racism apologists on here are shocking.
If a non white person upsets me in some way am I excused from calling them racist names?
It’s not ok to use racist terms in any context. My ex neighbour was an utter twat but it would never have occurred me to bring his race into it when telling him what a twat he was for example

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 12:12

@CatsArePeople Um…it sounds like OP’s daughter has been doing the bullying, not the boy…and she turned it up a notch by making it racist.

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 12:13

@Hoppinggreen

Some of the racism apologists on here are shocking. If a non white person upsets me in some way am I excused from calling them racist names? It’s not ok to use racist terms in any context. My ex neighbour was an utter twat but it would never have occurred me to bring his race into it when telling him what a twat he was for example
Oh it’s acceptable in Mumsnet land. Racism is very much tolerated by many posters here, as is evident on any posts that discuss race. Whataboutery is a common go to - well what about sexism / misogyny / heightism
daisypond · 18/11/2021 12:20

My DD suffered terribly at school by being called a midget - once yelled at her very publicly on school sports day. She was much smaller than her classmates - the size of a an average five-year-old amongst her peer group of ten/11-year-olds. The school took it very seriously. It’s affected her her whole life - she’s now in her 20s.

CatsArePeople · 18/11/2021 12:21

My ex neighbour was an utter twat but it would never have occurred me to bring his race into it when telling him what a twat he was for example

seems like twat or arsehole or dickhead are nicer and safer words to use Grin

Kikkomam · 18/11/2021 12:22

@daisypond

My DD suffered terribly at school by being called a midget - once yelled at her very publicly on school sports day. She was much smaller than her classmates - the size of a an average five-year-old amongst her peer group of ten/11-year-olds. The school took it very seriously. It’s affected her her whole life - she’s now in her 20s.
Well perhaps OP's dds school would have taken it more seriously if she hadn't topped the midget comment with a racist slur. Lesson learned.
Original poster
SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 12:24

@CatsArePeople Um…it sounds like OP’s daughter has been doing the bullying, not the boy…and she turned it up a notch by making it racist.

Yes, this is true.

OP posts:
Lumilly · 18/11/2021 12:25

Wait, sorry, have I got this right - you are trying to defend your child who at the age of ELEVEN behaved in a racist way? Wow. Maybe a few discussions at home about language are needed.

Cas112 · 18/11/2021 12:27

@daisypond

My DD suffered terribly at school by being called a midget - once yelled at her very publicly on school sports day. She was much smaller than her classmates - the size of a an average five-year-old amongst her peer group of ten/11-year-olds. The school took it very seriously. It’s affected her her whole life - she’s now in her 20s.
I'm 4ft11 at the age of 28 been small all my life and been called a midget loads of times as well as dwarf etc, it has not affected my life in any way, I get on with it and took it on the chin and I have not turned racist because of it.

This does not correlate

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 12:30

[quote SaveTheMockingBird]**@CatsArePeople Um…it sounds like OP’s daughter has been doing the bullying, not the boy…and she turned it up a notch by making it racist.

Yes, this is true.[/quote]
Genuine question OP - why have you not shown such outrage to your daughter being a bully, and are instead more concerned about her being called a racist after she used racist language?

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