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Secondary education

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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 18/11/2021 12:31

@CatsArePeople

She absolutely knew Monkeyface was racist, or at the very least specifically hurtful to this black kid, it's ridiculous to assert otherwise. Poor kid, only 11

"poor kid" by 11 should have known better than to bully a girl.

What thread are you reading?

The OP has admitted her own daughter is a bully.

Racism for children is traumatising.

As a little boy my DH was called 'n**r lips' and he's developed a complex about it his whole life. He's been told he's built like a slave, he should get back to the fields, called monkey man, told by a person they would 'lynch him if they could'.

My best friend is Asian and came home during her first week of primary school asking 'Mummy, what's a p**i?' She's had boyfriends who call her 'Bin Laden's widow'. 'Eh up don't get aggressive what're you going to do bomb us?'

Racist bullying is the WORST kind of bullying because it's something you will never be able to change and it's something that will never get better. People will always pick on the colour of your skin, the size of your facial features, the country you come from etc.

Ask any POC have you been bullied for your background? They'll say yes. Every single time.

Being called a midget and being called monkey-face are two incomparable insults. For OP's DD she may outgrow being short. For this boy he will never change his 'monkey-face' and it will always be how he feels these girls regard him.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 18/11/2021 12:32

I have 12 year olds and they KNOW what is racist and what is not. I do not believe your child didn’t know what they were saying wasn’t racist. They just didn’t realise how serious is was Becasue they are a child. School has shown them how serious it is. You should follow their lead.

Original poster
SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 12:36

Lumilly - I didn't say I;m defending her behaviour. It was abohorrent and we have told her so. I'm just saddened by the whole situation.

OP posts:
BananaPB · 18/11/2021 12:37

@CatsArePeople

She absolutely knew Monkeyface was racist, or at the very least specifically hurtful to this black kid, it's ridiculous to assert otherwise. Poor kid, only 11

"poor kid" by 11 should have known better than to bully a girl.

Poor kid means the boy surely? Poor kid hearing monkey slurs at 11?
Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 12:37

@daisypond

My DD suffered terribly at school by being called a midget - once yelled at her very publicly on school sports day. She was much smaller than her classmates - the size of a an average five-year-old amongst her peer group of ten/11-year-olds. The school took it very seriously. It’s affected her her whole life - she’s now in her 20s.
I’m really sorry your DD went through that but I doubt it would have improved things if she had yelled racist terms at her bullies
playmelikeasymphony · 18/11/2021 12:40

@Worstyear2020

I think racist comments are much more serious than calling someone midget, people get killed for being different race, not being small.

I can't believe you want to educate school rather than your daughter with regard of her behaviour.

A midget was an offensive term people who have short stature for disability reasons get called. And people disabled people die regularly from ableism.
stairway · 18/11/2021 12:41

Eleven year olds don’t think like adults. She may not realise that whilst it is considered ok to mock people for their height it’s not ok to mock people for their skin colour. I think you have to explain the historical and current implications of racism. For a child she might not get why one is considered worse.

Redcart21 · 18/11/2021 12:48

@Takemetothe90s are you seriously trying to dismiss my own life experiences and those of who are close to me? This is a fine example of gaslighting and people like you are exactly the reason why racists exist in this country

Testingprof · 18/11/2021 12:49

@SaveTheMockingBird

*Tbh Op, I don’t think that you are coming across well. I would be ashamed and furious if my child behaved in the way that your dd has.*

I am ashamed and furious that she has behaved in this way and my heart goes out to the boy. We know the boy in question, I'm friends with his mum. DH took her over to apologise to the boy in front of his parents and to assure them that this won't happen again. I have apologised several times to his mum.

We live in a very diverse community, her school is half non-white and her primary school was 90% non-white and our family is mix-raced. So for her to be racist or considered racist beggars belief and I'm thoroughly disappointed in her. Her brother is in the same school as her in year 8 and was aware of the term monkey is racist (yes, it was monkeyface to be exact) and is shocked by this.

Having a diverse family is not an inoculation against racism nor is going to diverse schools. She knew the word was racist and used it in context. I notice that you mention the fact the friend was mixed race that also used the word, which comes across as deflecting and also doesn’t understand the harm that is being inflicted on the friend. The words they are using against someone else will be landing on them too, they may be hoping that they can pass or coming to grips with racism within society etc…
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/11/2021 12:56

A midget was an offensive term people who have short stature for disability reasons get called. And people disabled people die regularly from ableism

But the OP's daughter isn't disabled. So it's a false equivalent.

Using a disablist slur towards an able-bodied person is the equivalent of telling a white child he's got 'woolly hair like a black person'. It's not nice, but the white child doesn't carry all the baggage of a lifetime of experiencing racism.

The minimisation of racism on this thread is pretty shocking.

ToughTittyWhompus · 18/11/2021 12:59

And what have you done so far to deal with this behaviour? Bullying is not on and racist remarks are so fucking far over the line that the line can no longer be seen.

Original poster
SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 13:00

8Genuine question OP - why have you not shown such outrage to your daughter being a bully, and are instead more concerned about her being called a racist after she used racist language*

I have told her we will not tolerate bullying either. I'm concerned about both things.

This is so uncharacteristic of her. We need to get to the bottom of why this happened.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/11/2021 13:02

A midget was an offensive term people who have short stature for disability reasons get called. And people disabled people die regularly from ableism

Being short because you are young isn't a disability.

stairway · 18/11/2021 13:05

Soupdragon I think people really minimise the bullying some short people receive and it can be lifelong. If she was called fat there would be more sympathy.

Sirzy · 18/11/2021 13:07

People are getting to focused on the boys behaviour here when the OP has made it perfectly clear that it was her daughter that started the bullying so at worst he retaliated to his bully.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2021 13:09

@CatsArePeople

Being short isn't a disability. The OP has given no indication that her daughter has dwarfism. Height isn't a protected characteristic in law

Its still an insult. The boy started it. The girl just didn't know any better.

Utter nonsense! Of course she knew better. Plus, we don't know who started the argument but we do know the DD has been bullying the boy.
SoupDragon · 18/11/2021 13:10

@stairway

Soupdragon I think people really minimise the bullying some short people receive and it can be lifelong. If she was called fat there would be more sympathy.
She is the bully!

It's still nowhere near the same and is not disablist/ablist

Sirzy · 18/11/2021 13:12

Some of these posts (not OP) scream of wanting to blame the boy for what has happened no matter what

stairway · 18/11/2021 13:15

SoupDragon it sounds like the daughter was the bully in this situation but it’s not ok to tease or mock people in their height either. Young people can get suicidal when their appearance is mocked.

RaininSummer · 18/11/2021 13:24

I think both children need to be talked to about name calling and bullying without comparing which 'ist' is the worse.

picklemewalnuts · 18/11/2021 13:26

@SaveTheMockingBird

8Genuine question OP - why have you not shown such outrage to your daughter being a bully, and are instead more concerned about her being called a racist after she used racist language*

I have told her we will not tolerate bullying either. I'm concerned about both things.

This is so uncharacteristic of her. We need to get to the bottom of why this happened.

You really do need to get to the bottom of this. Distracting and appalling though the racism is, the underlying issue seems to be that your previously well behaved DD has turned into a bully.

You need to find out why. Is she being bullied and venting by bullying others? Is she insecure having moved to secondary and bolstering herself by bullying people?

What's happening in her life that she's reacting like this? Obviously she's facing consequences for this incident, but to stop it recurring you need to know why it's happening. Ask to speak to the year head to work out a strategy.

CraftyGin · 18/11/2021 13:27

Have you looked at the school's anti-racism policy, OP?

What does your DD have to say for herself?

Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 13:28

@stairway

Soupdragon I think people really minimise the bullying some short people receive and it can be lifelong. If she was called fat there would be more sympathy.
No, any bullying is not ok. Neither is defending Racism
TeeBee · 18/11/2021 13:29

@RaininSummer

I think both children need to be talked to about name calling and bullying without comparing which 'ist' is the worse.
Totally agree. We don't have to race to the bottom. I think we can all agree that racial slurs are horrendous and the impact on those affected is wide ranging and hideous. Addressing racism starts with our children and we need to nip it in the bud.

I would also want my child reprimanded for calling other students names for any other reason. Its not acceptable.

stairway · 18/11/2021 13:34

Hoppinggreen where have I defended racism? my children are mixed. I hope they will not get bullied or name called because of their race or height.