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Secondary education

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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
BeyondOurReef · 18/11/2021 10:26

@HeartsAndClubs

My assumption is she called a child of colour a monkey. ah yeah sorry, that hadn’t occurred to me.

Obviously it goes without saying that she needs to be pulled up on that if that’s the word she used. But I would also be expecting him to be punished for calling her a midget. That’s no more acceptable, or does racism trump ablism?

This is part of why I’d want to talk to the school. None of it is acceptable.

I’d be asking questions (of the school and myself) about where they’re learning these slurs. I’d definitely be reconsidering what my child was watching on YouTube etc. I’d also want to talk about how commonplace name calling actually is in the school. And how they are teaching them respect for each other and diversity.

This is new behaviour since starting secondary school. I would be making sure that it is never repeated.

rjacksmiss · 18/11/2021 10:26

I'd ground her for a month. Seriously. And probably some education in regards to how she treats her fellow humans.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/11/2021 10:28

What about the boy who called her a midget? Was any action taken against him?

Sirzy · 18/11/2021 10:29

@BobLemon

Let it be.

She didn’t realise it was racist, but she does now. Job done.

Do you really believe that?

I find it very hard to believe that an 11 year old would just randomly pick that as their insult with no idea about it.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 18/11/2021 10:33

You should enquire ad to what punishment the boy is receiving. Just explain that you fully agree with your child being punished for what she said, but you just want to know that his bullying of your daughter is being taken seriously too.

Obviously it is important what was actually said too. As said by PP's if she called him something she'd say it anybody it isn't the same as if she called him something you wouldn't say to anybody (examples already given be PP's....).

powershowerforanhour · 18/11/2021 10:34

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 18/11/2021 10:34

inquire

Placido · 18/11/2021 10:36

Absolutely wrong to be using a racist slur. But also absolutely wrong to be calling someone a midget - my friends son currently being schooled at home because he was bullied so much about his height and high voice in a ‘banter’ way and it has triggered a horrible mental health episode for him. Children can be so vile in a ‘bantery’ way and all of it should be dealt with. The child shouldn’t have called her a midget and she shouldn’t have retaliated as she did - both of them deserve a detention and hopefully will both learn from this.

BobLemon · 18/11/2021 10:38

Do you really believe that?

Nope, but the OP does. Cuttin’ down on debate init.

Kikkomam · 18/11/2021 10:39

If she called him a monkey that's awful and I'd be mortified and furious.

HelplesslyHoping · 18/11/2021 10:41

You can speak to her about the history of words like that, why they're not appropriate for her to use and how she can deal with situations like that again next time so she doesn't turn to racism. If that was my child I'd be disgusted and concerned at how she knew why to say it with malice.

closedown · 18/11/2021 10:42

I find it very hard to believe that an 11 year old would just randomly pick that as their insult with no idea about it.

Me too but it's feasible she knew it would be offensive to this boy but didn't know why (i.e., she heard someone else use it in the past). Not saying she didn't know it's racist, but us internet strangers don't know whether she did or not.

Either way the response to OP is no, don't contact the school, just talk to your daughter and teach her not to deliberately say offensive things to people - racist or not.

FoamyBanana · 18/11/2021 10:42

You should be backing the school and coming down on her at home like a ton of bricks so she knows the severity of this. I think it is very naive to think an 11 year old doesn't know what constitutes racist abuse - if she doesn't understand racism you need to be explaining it to her.

This is an opportunity for you to ensure she knows exactly why her language was unacceptable. Educate her along with the school.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/11/2021 10:43

If she called the child a monkey there is no way she didn't know what she was saying was racist.

If that was my child I would be following up at home with another punishment and educating my child on black history over the course of a few months.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2021 10:44

It would be very unusual to use a racist term that relates to an animal and just be unlucky that it was considered racist because she didn’t know.

So yeah she knew. You need to go on that assumption.

And a pp is right, what are you going to say, yes my daughter is a bully but I’m sure she didn’t mean to be a racist bully that was just a coincidence?

IncompleteSenten · 18/11/2021 10:44

You mean she called a Muslim child a pig or a black child a monkey (just 2 examples)

She deserves the detention and it's not wise to try to go making excuses to the school.

She needs to learn from this.

ShinyHappyPoster · 18/11/2021 10:47

I'm really surprised school didn't contact you. In our school you'd have been invited to a meeting, and there would have been a discussion about whether it was marked on your DD's permanent record or registered as a racist incident at LA level. Then your DD would have had to attend a class about race and racism.
You need to ask for a meeting.

Hogwarts21 · 18/11/2021 10:49

She's been bullying him with her best friend...

Now shes in trouble.

Not sure how you think calling the school will be a good idea...

Teach her to stop bullying. problem solved.

BIWI · 18/11/2021 10:49

I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad.

All about her and not about what she said. And it makes you sad? I would have been livid

If you go to the school it looks like you're condoning her remarks. Which would also make you racist.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 18/11/2021 10:49

I think let the dust settle - talk to your DD at home and calmly to find out what happened and why she chose that word / where she had heard it from.

And then approach the school to see if they are aware of the bullying / insults your DD is experiencing. She shouldn't be picked on for being small.
You need to treat these as two separate incidents.

BeyondOurReef · 18/11/2021 10:49

It doesn’t actually matter whether you think she meant to be racist or not. The fact is: she was.

And that needs to be acted upon.

OverTheRubicon · 18/11/2021 10:50

I'm sick of white people getting more upset about being 'labelled' racist than they are about people at the other end of their racism.

It's the same thought process that makes people defend a teenage boy who has raped a girl because 'this will ruin his life'.

The boy made a disabilist comment (even if your DD is not in fact disabled in this way), which was not ok and needs a consequence. She made a racist comment - that she absolutely knew had racist connotations - which was not ok and needs a consequence. Support the school.

PAFMO · 18/11/2021 10:50

An 11 year old that doesn't know racist language is racist?
Behave.
And tell your daughter she's lucky it's only detention.
Where has she picked up that this is OK?

ShinyHappyPoster · 18/11/2021 10:52

To be clear, I think you should ask for a meeting to show you are taking this matter seriously. Not to make excuses for her. You need to find out from school exactly how inappropriate your DD's behaviour has been.

Cas112 · 18/11/2021 10:52

There is no way you can excuse this?! How can an 11 year old pick a random word that could seriously offend some one yet you think not in a racist way, how is that not racist? There is a reason she said the word, to be hurtful.

I would be disgusted, its not acceptable and she has said it in a racist way or is this a word for everyone? I doubt it.