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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
Grainofsand · 18/11/2021 09:40

Meh. You know if your child is malicious/racist. I’d have a word with her about not using words if she doesn’t know what they mean - that’s about it. She’s been punished by the school

Clymene · 18/11/2021 09:45

What are you going to say? That you know she's a bully but that you don't think she's a racist bully?

I can't see how that's going to come across well.

I'd leave it with the school but talk to her at home.

Seeline · 18/11/2021 09:46

she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

That's unlikely to be random insult. I reckon she knew what she was saying. But she is being punished and oyu have no problem with that.

However, if it was in response to a repeated bullying episode, I think the school need to be aware of that as a separate issue. HAs your DD reported it to anyone? She needs to speak to a her form tutor, and report it every time it happens. If it continues go to her head of year.

claymodels · 18/11/2021 09:46

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this?

I thought the detention was them dealing with it?

I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad.

She said what she said. Nobody is going to label an 11 years old for making a single remark. Just ensure she doesn't do it again.

She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.

But she used an animal related word to someone of a certain heritage? You think that was coincidental and she had no idea? Hardly. She was being a brat, used racist language, possibly without fully understanding racism's but I would say absolutely knowing the connection between the word and the heritage.

CorrBlimeyGG · 18/11/2021 09:49

Why did she use the word? She knew it was offensive to the boy's heritage but not racist? Arguing semantics will only make things worse.

Motnight · 18/11/2021 09:49

I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. No way did she not know that the slur she used was racist.

Bullying and racism are both awful, your dd needs to understand this.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/11/2021 09:50

She's 11 and she clearly knew it was offensive or she wouldn't have used it.
I wouldn't contact the school but I'd be very very angry with my child if they did this.

Mumdiva99 · 18/11/2021 09:50

Let the school do their bit and follow up at home. Ensure it doesn't happen again.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/11/2021 09:53

Even if she didn't fully understand the meaning of the word she knew it was hurtful or she wouldn't have used it. For that reason the detention is justified and she should learn to be careful about what she says and only say things she fully understands and means.

Sirzy · 18/11/2021 09:55

Sorry I don’t believe for a second she doesn’t know what she said is wrong.

The only contact I would potentially have with school is to let them know that you are mortified at what has happened and your supporting them fully. Then at home I would make sure she is suitably punished

crochetmonkey74 · 18/11/2021 10:02

Let the school deal with it- let's say for arguments sake, she didn't know genuinely- it's still racist, and at some point the school have to make it clear it is- so some people will need punishments even if they didn't know or mean it

BeyondOurReef · 18/11/2021 10:02

I’m surprised that the school didn’t phone you and set up a meeting about this. In DS’s school racism is most definitely a trigger for proper action (there’s be a fixed term exclusion and a meeting to discuss the issue, determine a course of action).

I’d call the school and say you’d like to have a meeting with whoever is relevant (the HoY) to discuss this. Your daughter has learned racist slurs and used them against another child. I’d want to be talking to the school about this.

And talking to her about race and racism too.

I certainly would not be going with: I know my daughter isn’t racist. She’s been punished by the school, so that’s it.

Racism persists because we don’t take it seriously enough. Treating it as a serious incident doesn’t demonise your child, but it does teach her very clearly that what you say has effects and that racism is never ok.

HeartsAndClubs · 18/11/2021 10:09

Off the top of my head I can’t think of a racist slur which relates to an animal.

If she e.g. called someone a pig for instance (since that’s the only animal related word which relates to someone’s culture I can think of,) then I can see that she might not actually have known could be considered offensive. People use it on here all the time for example and they’re never pulled up about it.

If it was something else then that’s a different conversation to be had.

But I’m not sure it’s reasonable for posters here to automatically assume that the child was deliberately bullying and racist when no-one here actually knows the word she used.

Redcart21 · 18/11/2021 10:11

I’m sorry but I’m astounded she is only getting a detention. She has been “let off” very lightly.

Have you thought about the impact she has had on this boy? For an ethnic minority to be racially abused will stay with him for life. It will affect his actions going forward, confidence, his personality and could withdraw him from social situations. Do not underestimate how the impact of being marginalised will affect him severely. Just go online and read stories from adults on how racism in childhood affected them their whole life. If I was his parent, I would be demanding far more than a detention from the school. I would want to know what safeguards they will be putting in place to protect my son from your daughter and her racist abuse

LiquidSodaCrystal · 18/11/2021 10:13

My assumption is she called a child of colour a monkey.

As others have said, if this was my child I would be incandescent. I would explain that as an adult this could be a criminal offence and teach her about racism and discrimination and how poisonous it is, and what it means to be anti racist. She’s old enough to know exactly what she’s doing.

Redcart21 · 18/11/2021 10:14

@HeartsAndClubs well then I think you’re very privileged. I can very easily think of animal associated racist slurs that I’ve heard and been a victim of. Just because you don’t know any, doesn’t mean we should question if what she said was offensive. If it was offensive enough for the boy to report it and the school to act upon it.

Greenmarmalade · 18/11/2021 10:17

Did she call him a pig? I can’t imagine what she could have said.

She won’t be labelled as a troublemaker or racist.

I would take time to talk to her about this in a really calm way, not telling her off but understanding her- and a chance for her to think through what the impact of her words might have.

HeartsAndClubs · 18/11/2021 10:18

My assumption is she called a child of colour a monkey. ah yeah sorry, that hadn’t occurred to me.

Obviously it goes without saying that she needs to be pulled up on that if that’s the word she used. But I would also be expecting him to be punished for calling her a midget. That’s no more acceptable, or does racism trump ablism?

daffodils123 · 18/11/2021 10:20

[quote Redcart21]@HeartsAndClubs well then I think you’re very privileged. I can very easily think of animal associated racist slurs that I’ve heard and been a victim of. Just because you don’t know any, doesn’t mean we should question if what she said was offensive. If it was offensive enough for the boy to report it and the school to act upon it.[/quote]

I think everyone on this thread may be white if no one can guess which slurs she used.

Why do you think your child wouldn't use racist language OP? She clearly chose words that she thought would hurt most - unlikely to be a coincidence! Tiring for ethnic kids that this is such a typical response from most parents! School is not dealing with the situation as they should. The bullying is a separate issue that should be escalated.

Beefcurtains79 · 18/11/2021 10:21

Midget is disabilist though isn’t it? Both are unacceptable.

Anordinarymum · 18/11/2021 10:21

If your child called another child a racist name then you should have been on her like a ton of bricks mate

Simonjt · 18/11/2021 10:21

@HeartsAndClubs

Off the top of my head I can’t think of a racist slur which relates to an animal.

If she e.g. called someone a pig for instance (since that’s the only animal related word which relates to someone’s culture I can think of,) then I can see that she might not actually have known could be considered offensive. People use it on here all the time for example and they’re never pulled up about it.

If it was something else then that’s a different conversation to be had.

But I’m not sure it’s reasonable for posters here to automatically assume that the child was deliberately bullying and racist when no-one here actually knows the word she used.

She likely called a non-white child a monkey.
BobLemon · 18/11/2021 10:21

Let it be.

She didn’t realise it was racist, but she does now. Job done.

MadinMarch · 18/11/2021 10:23

@Heartsandclubs
Off the top of my head I can’t think of a racist slur which relates to an animal.
I would think she probably called him a monkey.
If so, then it is racist without a doubt and whether she knew it or not is irrelevant really.
Is the boy also getting a detention? Calling someone a midget is also very unacceptable.
Let's hope they both learn something from their exchange and that a detention helps them realise how unacceptable their behaviour was.

Iggly · 18/11/2021 10:24

@Beefcurtains79

Midget is disabilist though isn’t it? Both are unacceptable.
I wouldn’t put midget in the same bracket as calling a black person a monkey.

FFS