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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/11/2021 10:58

If she called them a monkey or an ape she got off likely.

It's not just not okay.

Lovemusic33 · 18/11/2021 10:59

Do not contact the school. Your dd has been given a punishment that fits the crime. If she called the boy a animal name that is a reference to his race then she deserves to be in detention. The whole point of a punishment is to make her realise that what she said was not acceptable.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2021 11:02

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations

I agree with others who have said that this is absolutely nonsense. Especially if it is the one suggested. No one could possibly think that isn't racist.

BeyondOurReef · 18/11/2021 11:02

@ShinyHappyPoster

To be clear, I think you should ask for a meeting to show you are taking this matter seriously. Not to make excuses for her. You need to find out from school exactly how inappropriate your DD's behaviour has been.
This is why I’d be straight on the phone to the school. I’d be asking them why they hadn’t called me in to a meeting about something so obviously serious.
uneffingbelievable · 18/11/2021 11:04

She was insulted as well but because not considered race related he did not get punished?
Both get detention and learn not to call people names.

Not right if the other child was not reprimanded aswell.

DameMaureen · 18/11/2021 11:04

Did she call him a giraffe ? An elephant ? A crocodile ? No - she knew what she was doing .

ErickBroch · 18/11/2021 11:06

You absolutely need to speak to her about it and not let the detention be the solution. I am not saying punish her, but you need to have a discussion over the language and why it is racist, and moving forward to make changes and be conscious of language. I do find it extremely unlikely that she didn't know what she meant, but she probably didn't understand the gravitas at that age.

Jasmine11 · 18/11/2021 11:06

So she picked one animal out of thousands she could have used and it just happened to be the one that would have racist connotations to the boy, but she didn't know it was racist. Really OP? You sounds like you have your head in the sand, I think the school have the experience to know when someone is being deliberate racist or not. I don't think you should contact the school as sounds like you are in denial and you might make the situation worse.

Ozanj · 18/11/2021 11:06

@SaveTheMockingBird

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

She new exactly what she was saying when she called him that word. The best thing you can do for her is hammer home how entirely unacceptable it was & work with the school to make sure you implement any diversity recommendations they recommend.
Lampzade · 18/11/2021 11:06

She knew that the word was offensive. Stop minimising
What you need to do is to educate her on how wrong racism is.

Worstyear2020 · 18/11/2021 11:06

I think racist comments are much more serious than calling someone midget, people get killed for being different race, not being small.

I can't believe you want to educate school rather than your daughter with regard of her behaviour.

girlmom21 · 18/11/2021 11:06

Your daughter is a racist bully. It doesn't matter that she wasn't a racist bully when she was in primary school.

I'd make sure she knows how lucky she is that she only got a detention as she's committed a criminal offence.

Don't defend her.

Skeumorph · 18/11/2021 11:07

@DameMaureen

Did she call him a giraffe ? An elephant ? A crocodile ? No - she knew what she was doing .
I don't agree. If, at 11, she called a Muslim child a 'horrible pig' for calling her a midget, I wouldn't assume that she knew the connotations at all. Mine wouldn't have.

Doesn't make it ok at all of course but no, it's not so clear cut.

Calling a child of colour anything to do with 'monkey' - totally different.

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 11:07

I highly doubt she didn’t believe it was racist. Would she have used the same word on a white boy? If not, there’s your answer.

HarrietsChariot · 18/11/2021 11:08

I'm wondering about the boy too - calling her a "midget" is just as bad as her calling him an m-word (if that's what it was).

You say she's a bully so maybe that's why he didn't get punished, but you should check with the school because he needs to be made to understand he can't make disablist comments like that.

downtonupton · 18/11/2021 11:08

Hi, Schools I know would give fixed term exclusion for directing racist language at a child so i suspect that they have not pegged your DD as a racist or as a trouble maker as they have not done that - but they have not let it go unchallenged either.

You need to discuss this fully with your daughter - whether she wasn't aware of the full impact of racism or not - she needs to be fully aware. Micro aggressions like this are part of a bigger picture and need to be addressed.

It is also worth raising with the school that she has been the victim of discriminatory bullying (height etc) but this does not excuse your daughter's behaviour - however the school need to take that seriously too

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 18/11/2021 11:09

I think if you contact school and try to explain that she didn't mean it in racist way etc, it just make it sound even worse, sounds like you are minimizing the incident. Make it sound like apple didn't fall far from the tree.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 18/11/2021 11:09

You're either being incredibly naive or wilfully ignorant, OP. There's no coincidence that the child in receipt of her insult was not right. You need to really talk to her about this.

PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 11:09

@HarrietsChariot

I'm wondering about the boy too - calling her a "midget" is just as bad as her calling him an m-word (if that's what it was).

You say she's a bully so maybe that's why he didn't get punished, but you should check with the school because he needs to be made to understand he can't make disablist comments like that.

Only on Mumsnet would racism be downplayed…
ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 18/11/2021 11:11

I feel sorry for that boy and his parents who will have to educate and prepare him for more to come.

Bumpsadaisie · 18/11/2021 11:12

I wouldn't worry that the school now think your DD is a malicious racist troublemaker forever.

Teachers know that children are small people who are developing - they get in trouble, there is a consequence and it is over. Lesson learned.

girlmom21 · 18/11/2021 11:13

@HarrietsChariot

I'm wondering about the boy too - calling her a "midget" is just as bad as her calling him an m-word (if that's what it was).

You say she's a bully so maybe that's why he didn't get punished, but you should check with the school because he needs to be made to understand he can't make disablist comments like that.

She needs to focus on her own daughters disgusting behaviour and let the school and his parents deal with his behaviour.

His punishment is irrelevant.

daisypond · 18/11/2021 11:16

My first thought was that she called the boy a pig - that’s the only word I can think of that would relate to culture. I’m not sure many 11-year-olds not of that culture would have any idea about the connotations of that word. It’s bandied about frequently in playgrounds.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/11/2021 11:16

or does racism trump ablism

In this specific case, yes.

FYI I'm a teacher and the kids ABSOLUTELY know that this animal name is racist- it's a little fad amongst them at the moment - if you mention this animal is class, they will gasp and look at their friends - like they do with words that are rude or sound rude etc etc

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 18/11/2021 11:17

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?