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Original poster

DD has got a detention for using racist language

294 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 18/11/2021 09:38

My DD who is 11and in year 7 has been in trouble at school for using racist language. She is serving a 60min detention after school today.

She has used a racist word that she probably didn't know had racial connotations, but pretty abhorrent. The other child had called her a midget during an argument (she is small in stature, only turned 11 in Aug) and she retaliated by saying a word which related to an animal considered very offensive to this boy's heritage.

The school hasn't communicated with us, just a notification from class charts, saying that she has been given a detention and a brief statement about what it's for. There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention.

It wasn't just her, these incidences involved her best friend too.

My question is, do I contact the school regarding this? Or just let them deal with this? I hate to see her labelled like this so early into high school and it makes me so sad. She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.
She hadn't even had a time out in primary school and always had very positive reports with regards to behaviour, so this is very untypical of her. She is normally a very quiet well behaved child. And now the school must think she is a troublemaker.

Do I let this be or try and explain the situation to school?

Thanks

OP posts:
theworldsastage · 18/11/2021 11:17

If it's the word I think it is, then it's not an offensive word unless used as a weapon, so seeing as she was retaliating, she must have known it was a 'bad' word in the context. So even if she didn't know it was 'racist' or what 'racism' really is, she knew it was a very hurtful word that would only hurt children who looked like the other boy.

You need to be careful here - she needs to understand that the other boy shouldn't have been so mean to her, and that boys aren't more important than girls, but there are some words that are always unacceptable, no matter how nasty someone is.

I don't see the harm in you contacting the school to advise that you know her behaviour was unacceptable and you are dealing with it, but separately, his behaviour was not acceptable and you expect them to be dealing with that separately. You can stand up for her, whilst not downplaying racism. Racism is abhorrent. So is general bullying.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 18/11/2021 11:18

I agree with pp that she should be pulled up for the racist slur but he also called her a midget which IMO is no better really.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 18/11/2021 11:19

I don’t mean I don’t think that it is racist. I’m not questioning it. My question just is when did it happen?

Lampzade · 18/11/2021 11:19

Tbh Op, I don’t think that you are coming across well.
I would be ashamed and furious if my child behaved in the way that your dd has.
Stop making excuses for her, what she did was wrong and she has been punished . In fact, she is fortunate to get away with a detention.
In my dcs school using racist language would get you a three day suspension which would be recorded.

LittleGwyneth · 18/11/2021 11:20

I think it does rather depend. I can believe that she wouldn't know that calling someone who is Muslim a pig would be extremely offensive. And pig is an insult in and of itself. If she called a Black child a monkey then she must have known, because 'monkey' is not an insult in and of itself, unless it's being used in a racist context.

I would want to talk to the HOY about this as a general ongoing issue, addressing the way he has behaved towards her while acknowledging the hurt she also caused. It does seem a bit unfair that he could be nasty to her on a regular basis and that be ignored, and only have the behaviour recognised when it's racism. All bullying should be taken extremely seriously.

Hoppinggreen · 18/11/2021 11:20

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
You might be old and out of touch but an 11 year old isn’t This girl totally knew what she was doing an the punishment is appropriate
Fahrted · 18/11/2021 11:20

There has been other incidences with this boy too verging on the bullying and I fully support the school in giving her a detention

@SaveTheMockingBird Do you mean that your daughter has been bullied by this boy, or that she has been bullying him? It's not clear.

Either way, and leaving aside who said what, bullying needs to be dealt with.

With regard to the specific incident: I would not contact school. They have come up with a sanction which they feel appropriate. I'd reinforce at home that she can't use certain words. Then leave it at that (and deal with the bullying instead, whether your DD be the perpetrator or the victim).

Kikkomam · 18/11/2021 11:20

Yeah OP, this is one of those times where you don't need to overthink or see both sides. Time to step up and be a parent and let her know thst you support the school and she is never to say anything like that again.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2021 11:20

when did it take on racist connotations?

When it is directed at a black person. It always has been.

Context is everything.

Lampzade · 18/11/2021 11:21

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

I agree with pp that she should be pulled up for the racist slur but he also called her a midget which IMO is no better really.
How can you possibly compare someone being called a midget to someone using a racist term?
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 18/11/2021 11:21

That's unlikely to be random insult. I reckon she knew what she was saying.

Mmm!

Boy: Hey midget...
DD: You horrible pig

Boy is Jewish or Muslim

Boy: Miss, miss she called me a pig and I am very upset about that

ErickBroch · 18/11/2021 11:21

@Dontfuckingsaycheese calling someone a cheeky monkey isn't racist. Being in an argument and telling a black person that they 'look like a monkey' or similar is racist, don't play dumb. If the girl was laughing with a friend and called them a cheeky monkey, that is not a racist comment.

LittleGwyneth · 18/11/2021 11:21

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
Monkey or gorilla have been used in a derogatory way towards Black people for decades. You can call a white child a cheeky monkey if you want, but I'd steer away from calling a non-white child a monkey.
daisypond · 18/11/2021 11:22

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
Where is everyone getting the idea that the word monkey was used?
PinkWednesdays · 18/11/2021 11:23

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

I agree with pp that she should be pulled up for the racist slur but he also called her a midget which IMO is no better really.
Hmm
ErickBroch · 18/11/2021 11:23

These hypotheticals about 'pig' to Jewish or Muslim children is strange, I have never heard my friends who are Muslim or Jewish ever experience or complain about this? I work in a Muslim organisation and we often laugh about viral memes such as 'you dutty pig' and nobody is offended Hmm seems fictitious - like people being offended by poppies Grin

Lampzade · 18/11/2021 11:25

The apologist have started to crawl out of the woodwork

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 18/11/2021 11:26

@daisypond

My first thought was that she called the boy a pig - that’s the only word I can think of that would relate to culture. I’m not sure many 11-year-olds not of that culture would have any idea about the connotations of that word. It’s bandied about frequently in playgrounds.
Then kids are a lot more switched on and aware than you think they are. A yr7 in DS's class was put on report in week 2 for calling about her child a monkey. They all know it's a racist slur. DS was really shocked. They are getting to that annoying age where they push it with rude language but DS and his friends absolutely know that racist language is never ever acceptable. The OP's daughter would know this too.
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 18/11/2021 11:27

I just wanted to make that statement separately forom this one!

She thoroughly deserves to be punished for the bullying behaviour, but I don't think she meant to be racist.

I don't think, OP, that you can separate the two in this instance. From what you have said your DD and her BF have been using this boy for practice, trying out their bullying routine. Horrid thought but it happens to lots of kids when they change schools, become tiny fish in a huge pond. Her small stature will probably be feeding into it, having to find her own feet in a new school.

You need to back the school wholeheartedly and let her now that you want her to see how her behaviour is titally unacceptable but that you still love her and she can put it all right by learning better ways to control her possible anxieties.

In short, she needs to be pinished for her behaviour but she also needs support for the underlying causes of it.

BiLuminous · 18/11/2021 11:27

School have dealt with it so no I wouldn't, but you need to deal with it too. The first step is to stop making excuses for her and deal with what she's said and accept she knew exactly what she was saying and that's why she said it.

There's also implications for when the parent of this child finds out what she's said.

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 18/11/2021 11:28

"A child in DS's yr7 class was put in report in week two for calling another child a monkey" that was meant to say...

Winniemarysarah · 18/11/2021 11:28

I’m with you op. Is your dd short? If so then calling her a midget is no better than her calling him a name back. For those of you calling her a bully, it was him that started the name calling!

SickAndTiredAgain · 18/11/2021 11:29

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

This is a genuine question and I’m sorry for being so uninformed- when did it actually become racist to call someone a monkey? I feel ridiculously old and out of touch here but in my day we said things like ‘cheeky monkey’. I might even have said it recently. I will try to ensure I don’t. But - when did it take on racist connotations?
Jokingly referring to your child as a cheeky monkey when they’ve done something a little cheeky isn’t the same as using monkey as an insult. OP’s DD was retaliating, and if monkey was the word used then she wasn’t affectionately using cheeky monkey in a way where she can claim race wasn’t a factor. She was using it as an insult, and it isn’t an insult that I imagine she’d use against a white boy. If a white child called her a midget, she wouldn’t retaliate with “well you’re a monkey” (or whatever the precise phrasing was) would she.
Greenmarmalade · 18/11/2021 11:29

** girlmom21

Your daughter is a racist bully. It doesn't matter that she wasn't a racist bully when she was in primary school.**

This isn’t right or helpful. She’s a child. She may have been racist or teased/bullied someone, which should be dealt with appropriately, but she shouldn’t just be labelled as a racist bully. Children make mistakes. It’s the job of adults to nurture and guide them.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 18/11/2021 11:30

So she called him a monkey?

Absolutely she needs to be punished because in the off chance she DOESN'T know the connotations of what she said (highly unlikely) she will in future.

That being said, this boy also needs disciplining. I would contact her head of year and ask for a meeting.

In the meantime sit her down at home and teach her about racist terminology and how it can get her in trouble.