Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

[Seniorschooldesperation]

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

The three siblings don’t come as a package.

I don’t see why this has to be taken into consideration.

I still say if you had taken your dd out 3 years ago this school would be going under now.

This school hasn’t protected your dd and hasn’t actually done this girl any good either.

They have set this girl up to fail.

Outside the school environment people don’t put up with people who assault others.

Elbow someone in the back out on the street and a charge of assault will be coming her way.

Her parents are not going to be around to protect her.

I cannot understand why you insisted your dd stay in this environment.
Why you haven’t called the police on this sustained harassment

Historically I felt that the school had handled an incident by suspending several girls and expelling one. I suppose I realised that they can’t control everything and at least what happened may dull the bully’s powder enough that she watched her step.
Better to be in a flawed school with staff who you have faith in ..???

Unfortunately the handling of this latest episode has been an eye opener and I realise I’ve effectively been drinking the kool aid.

It’s very clear to me that we should have removed dd years ago.

OP you don't need to defend yourself, you did what you thought was right for your DD as you are now.

@Oliversmumsarmy lay off will you. Your post above was quite aggressive to the OP who is already anxious

SeniorSchoolD we all place faith in schools. Most teachers do want to do their best by their pupils. At all times as parents we're trying to do our best. It took me over a year and many meetings with school to get to the point where I just pulled DS out one day to never go back. That was in primary and we've never had another morning of tears before school since. Your DD knows you have her back.

OP - I have just read this thread and am so sorry for your DD and you. You have received some good advice and it makes me think that in some ways the digital world can be a force for good.

Ultimately it is all about reputation for a private school and the fact is that your DD’s school simple aren’t worried enough about the consequences of their widespread failure to safeguard your DD.

Priorities in order (as PP have rightly mentioned):

1. Your DD’s mental health
2. Exams - whether this year or next
3. Retribution

Ultimately, 3) won’t happen unless the school know you are serious about escalating this to all relevant bodies and their reputation being damaged.

I really would take a lawyer to the meeting with the headmaster as this will immediately make them sit up and take note. You have passed any stage of constructive conversation by the usual means.

I’m wondering if that meeting materialised today? Our school kept me on tender hooks too.... letting me think they would act but never did. I’m sure your DH will go in and state exactly what you want to achieve and how the school will make it happen. I doubt they’ll do anything about the bullying but if you can make them agree that she’s protected during after school revision sessions that’s a start!! I’m assuming you can drop her outside and meet her afterwards? Your DDs best revenge is to do the best she can but it will affect her GCSEs; it’s bound to. My DD sat hers at the school amongst the 8/9 bullies (big gang of them) and it was sickening watching her go in to the lions den for all those exams... for 9 subjects there were something like 23 exams! I should have moved her out in Feb like you have.... I believed in the school stupidly!!

I have no idea why you left your poor girl in this school for so long and paid for it too . If she is still there, can't work out if she is or not then fgs get her home now.

chimp

The meeting has been scheduled for 5pm tomorrow.
We already know that they’re going to minimise - the bully was in dds house AGAIN yesterday despite the deputy telling me they’d put in extra staff to prevent it. Luckily dd wasn’t there as I collected her yesterday early because I was done hoping she would be supported.
Dd didn’t go in today - but attended a study clinic from 4-5.30. The bully doesn’t attend those but I’m sure she’ll start soon enough...

At this point I really don’t give a shit what they do to the bully nothing
I want agreement that dd can go on extended study leave and complete her exams and attend clinics.

Would say your language is too passive.

I want “agreement that she can go on study leave etc”

No.

The words are: “she is going on study leave” because that’s an order and over your dead body is she having anything more to do with the school.

I think you still don’t see yourself as the one with any power in this relationship.

Stop treating them as equals or people to be deferred to. Take back control.

Agree with @AtomicRabbit - I’d suggest asking “how are you going to safeguard her during study clinics,” “how will relevant materials be provided” etc. I’d ask for one point of contact to deal with. Is your DD going to be ok to sit in the main hall to take exams? If not, what arrangements are you going to be asking for. IIRC, it’s the school’s discretion to provide a separate room/invigilator (rather than needing to apply to exam board for this as a special arrangement.

Hi endofmytether I am an Exams Officer and you are correct, the school makes these arrangements.

Last year we had a bully separated from the main cohort in a room on his own, he wasn't allowed any further than the small office near the school entrance.

I provided an invigilator for each of his exams. We do the same for anxious pupils too.

The school can make these arrangements very easily indeed and each school is very used to doing so.

When we had a meeting with the Head about the case involving DD, I dared to say the difficult child had a history of being excluded from schools and was boasting about it. The Head was furious and asked if I thought she wasn’t doing her job properly. She denied the child had been excluded before. She had. The House Mistress had told me. She, though, sat in the meeting and didn’t say a word. Everyone knew this pupil had been excluded before, boasted about it, and was the biggest problem but they covered it up. Until she ran away, of course. They didn’t listen to a word we said.
And I said a lot!

As for a solicitor: they won’t see you. They will cancel the meeting. There would need to be legal representation on both sides. They would never agree to just you or DH having one. Forget that suggestion.

The police simply won’t get involved. This is a matter for school policies - I bet the police will tell you that. There is an enquiry at the school. You will have to wait for that. There won’t be a good outcome for you. I doubt the governors will get involved. This isn’t a state school. They will be very hands off. They will pay the head to deal with this.

I think your best bet regarding exams is to do the boost classes and take the exams. The only other way is repeating a year.

DD could stop using Snapchat by the way. Another issue mentioned is 6th form. Of course you cannot stay. In DDs school, the DDs in the year group more than halved. 26 stayed out of 60. So not dealing with issues meant a big Chinese recruitment drive and a serious loss of some very bright girls and decent parents.

...In DDs school, the DDs in the year group more than halved. 26 stayed out of 60. So not dealing with issues meant a big Chinese recruitment drive and a serious loss of some very bright girls and decent parents....

Wow 😮 dying to know which school. Was it in London?

Is she has another device she can photograph the shots - so not screen shots

There always way round these things

Saying that I’d just screen shot and not care if she knew.

I would’ve told her to back off in school!!

One thing I know about bullies is they are cowards!

Dd did screenshot the picture and I sent it to the deputy head this morning.
I’ve just been watching tv with dd and she just looked so relaxed and I commented on it.
Dd said she feels just so much better after only one day removed and she was thinking just the same herself.
I’m so relieved I brought her home.
I’ve started a couple of threads over 10 years - only when I’m really in crisis and need help and you lot never fail to turn up for me.

I’m so grateful for your perspective
Thank you all, you’ll never know how grateful I am.

No. Not a London school. Not a million miles away though. I did think just a few of us were angry but it was way more then that. Several different issues were the problem but all had their roots in unsatisfactory pastoral care, bullying not being dealt with and not listening to parental concerns. DD had alerted me to possibly around 25 DD leaving. They all talked about who was staying and who was going! Historically the school would lose around 10% but they just alienated so many parents and even the DD of a Governor left. The following year, the DD of another governor left. Both parents. Which tells you they didn’t have confidence in the school to meet the needs of their DDs.

Schools do need to understand that parents get “vibes” about what is going on. The silent majority will walk if schools don’t meet their obligations.

I would live to know where you are bubbles
Pm me please 🙏

I’m so delighted your DD already feels some relief! You’ll all get over this. You’re both amazingly resilient and focused on your priorities.
actiongirl and endoftether I wish I’d have know exams could have been taken in a separate room. Of course, school never suggested this!

Horrified to read about this- it's sickening.

You've got your DD out which is the most important. She's finished the syllabus so with clinics/private tutoring (or you tutoring her) she will be fine with her GCSEs (my son did bugger all work until March before GCSEs when I blitzed revision with him and having been predicted fails in a couple of subjects, he got good passes in all - so it can be done, even now and even if my wine intake increased a lot!). Then it's in to 6th form and a fresh start for your DD.

Don't let the school off the hook. Their pastoral care is laughable as is their safeguarding.

Your DD will get through this but I know from bitter experience with my DD how damaging this can be to self-esteem. It takes time to recover. My DD is so much more capable in life now that she's out the other side and the perpetrators are now the losers and rather pitiful. Karma is a great thing.

Lots of strength to you all - this will pass.

My DD was bullied at Sherborne. I thought it was a lovely school but they didn't really handle it at all. During my first conversation with the Head of Pastoral Care when I said I was considering removing her the response was "well you'll have to pay the fees". That did it for me. I told her I thought we were discussing DD's welfare and was appalled by the mention of money from a person whose job it is to look after the pupils well-being.

I feel awful for your poor dd and this bully seems like a right bitch I woulden't bother with the school at all and try a local school or homeschool instead the school sounds biased and obviously doesen't care about your dd good luck

ChimpParadox - school won't have suggested it as it costs money to pay an invigilator and they will have had to shuffle rooms and resource around to do it. But it absolutely can be done. Last year I went from 5 pupils needing to be in a room alone with a scribe, to 9 to accommodate the bully, a group who were terribly behaved and 2 extra anxious pupils. All pupils deserve to sit their exams on a level playing field and schools are obliged to provide a solution for that. That is what the Joint Council for Qualifications is responsible for.

SeniorschoolD I will be thinking of you this afternoon, good luck.

I would send your DH to the meeting with a friend (not a lawyer). I had a meeting scheduled with school head. I got there to be faced by school head, chair of governors, deputy head and two teachers all lined up one side of a long table. All to persuade me I must be mistaken. Luckily it was the one meeting I'd said to DH I think you need to come too.

DH is used to having difficult conversations and is in no way intimidated, he’s allocated 2 hours this afternoon to prepare, including reading this thread .
At this point he’s dealing with it as preparing for a negotiation. Dd is not going back and will not be attending 6th form anymore as were our plans originally. Dd wants to be at home for guided revision and to attend clinics and take exams with separation so that’s what we want.
We will be making all the relevant complaints to everybody possible very thoroughly once dd has got what she needs.
If we can’t get what we want, we have a back up plan in place.
I usually deal with the school stuff and I’m no shrinking violet myself. I do recall when the first incident happened three years ago and I was in the heads office and he laughed at something and I said “ do I amuse you? Is something I said amusing to you”? He replied with a very sheepish, no Mrs *. The headmaster is a very formidable man but in that moment he looked like a scolded child.
I’ve decided not to accompany dh for the purpose of clarity. I have hit a wall and I’m furious. I’m worried that I’ll interrupt dh use emotive language and generally go off piste’.

Good luck!

Make notes of what you want covered, print out anything about safe guarding you can.

I presume you must have signed an agreement when putting your child in private school? If so dig it out