Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

[Seniorschooldesperation]

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I’ve just read the whole thread and it’s awful I hope your dd is ok

I hope this by just lip service. Great news about the fees. At this point though I’d be asking what measures they have put in place if that girl is staying - because it’s a deciding factor if you stay.

She’s shown she doesn’t care about consequences so you’ll be back at square one if she’s not been given the boot.

I’d be concerned that the reduction of fees will be used if you make an official complaint if this girl stays and continues.

How will the school protect her when she isn’t at school.

She hasn’t even been at school and has had a couple of nasty “messages” and been accused of theft.

Do you actually believe the teachers will actually do anything to protect your dd in school.

They shouldn’t need to be specifically told to guard against anyone’s Dd being bullied.

When the lunchtime incident happened why didn’t the house mistress do anything

My fear would be that the teachers would need to be told to protect your dd and wouldn’t recognise when your Dd needed their protection (the lunchtime incident at the teachers table springs to mind)
Or the teachers are too frightened of the bully to do anything.

It’s very clear to me that we should have removed dd years ago.

If it’s only clear to you now, her GCSEs are the least of your worries.

Standing with the "get her now" voices. There are options for her elsewhere which do not damage her MH, her education itself or her attitude towards it.

I'd ask the school for full academic cooperation to fit with your plans for her future and certainly wouldn't expect to pay further fees for the short notice.

Please take DD for MH assist through GP as soon as possible. Not only will your daughter need to be supported through recovery but it will be useful evidence should the school kick off or if you would like exam boards or univs to be made aware of factors affecting her grades.

Personally I'd be considering issuing proceedings against the school in negligence, but I realise that route may not be approp for you.

oliver

The head didn’t know the full story about the lunchtime incident and was appalled his staff were present.
I think some of the teachers have been covering their backs by feeding him a tweaked account.
The head assured us that dd would get the staffs full support. Dd can choose which lessons to attend - the bully will not be permitted to attend the support clinics as up until now she hasn’t anyway.
I couldn’t have asked for more really. The truth is even if they did exclude the bully dd would be left dealing with the aftermath of her inner circle anyway. This way dd has control over what she’s prepared to deal with on whatever day and she can focus on her studies.
I’ve spoken to my boss and I’m juggling some stuff working from home etc for the next two months. I will ferry dd back and forth to whichever lesson or clinic she will attend.

minty

I don’t know what you mean?

Op, I would get dh to pop an email over to the head so the agreement on fees is in writing. Plus the other key action points. That way they are there in black and white

Minty, I don’t get your comment - it’s very hard to know when to pull children out. My parents didn’t take me out when I was bullied because it isn’t always an easy choice to make.

I also think it’s difficult to explain the full extent of bullying.

A lot of what goes on becomes normal to children and they accept the situation.

I’ve just found a teacher has been saying certain things about DD and whilst she’s complained I haven’t taken it fully in board until last week.

It’s hard to know what’s ‘real’ and what’s ‘drama’

OP has done nothing but support her daughter, and now is asking for support.

I'm really glad the head took this seriously and I hope they continue to do so. I would hate for her to go back and get the same treatment.
As for pulling kids out... I think that's an extremely hard decision. You don't want to teach them the bully wins and you also don't want them to feel at fault so I can understand why parents wait. And with this situation there has been drastic measures taken before to tackle it so there's no reason why the OP wouldn't think this hasn't been nipped in the bud. Unfortunately bullied kids often end up having very low self esteem so end up being continually targeted, even after moving schools. It's not always the best thing.

I'm also slightly confused why the school didn't tell you she swore at the house mistress. That's quite serious and it makes me think that this bullys parents may not know very much either and the communication at this school is appalling. The head doesn't even know what's going on by the sounds of it.

Dd told me she swore ‘around’the housemistress on Tuesday and that the housemistress has reassured her she wasn’t in trouble and she understood she was struggling a little at the moment. The housemistress also told dd she wouldn’t get in trouble as she wasn’t taking it further.
The bottom line is - the housemistress is failing in keeping the bully out of her house and is under stress and she kind of through my dd under the bus to distract from her inadequacies to her boss

*threw

Get her out, poor girl, she's suffered enough!

It does sound like the housemistress may have been spoken to and she needed to defend herself.
Idk I just hope you've stuck to your guns about her going somewhere else for sixth form. You mentioned this bully won't be staying on- I would just make sure she isn't going where your DD will be.

OP, you sound like a great mum (& kudos to your DH for not playing along with the HT in that interview). I hope everything works out well for your daughter. She deserves a much easier & happier time than she's had.

Reading this thread, I kept thinking that this bully will be in the workplace within a few years. Her poor future colleagues...

So pleased with the outcome today OP. I hope you can sleep tonight and start tomorrow feeling refreshed with your DD.

Good luck OP

Get things in writing as others have said.

If DD recieves any email then she should just forward it to the head, this can be done manually or automatically.

The school should also implement a system where DD is not alone on corridors or in toilets.

One simple thing is to have a teacher walk to her next lesson and allow DD to use staff toilets and if she stays over lunch / break to be with a member of staff away from the canteen / lunch room.

The bully should also be escorted round the school.

You cannot “file charges”. It’s not the USA. We have the CPS and they decide

Sorry I don't have any further useful advice to offer, but just wanted to call out this blithering nonsense.

People were talking about taking civil action against the school, it's nothing whatsoever to do with the CPS. Please do not give legal advice if you do not understand the basic difference between criminal and civil law.

Reading this thread, I kept thinking that this bully will be in the workplace within a few years. Her poor future colleagues

Not necessarily
When I was at school there was one girl who made my life a misery. My mother refused to move me

A few years later I saw this girl again in a newspaper.

She hadn't physically hurt anyone but had done a really reprehensible thing and had been sentenced to prison for a few months.

As another poster said. Your dd is in year 11.
She can revise alone at this stage. If possible you could get her a tutor for the core subjects. There are many resources online.
You can then arrange that she takes her exam in a separate room and at the end of each exam someone comes to collect her

If you can afford private school with board, get her out and get a tutor in each evening at home for a different subject.

@Really123456 - THIS - this is the best possible advice.

With the money you're saving, get tutors for her weaker subjects and never send her back.

Honestly can't think why you would send her into the lion's den again?

Every single teacher has failed her.

Dd wants to attend clinics and have the academic support of her teachers. This is the choice dd has made.
Under the agreement made with the head dd will be able to utilise everything good the school has to offer but remove herself from everything else.

I’m guessing that the behaviour is only going to escalate from the bully, it will be turned on other students. The problem will not go away, but it won’t be dd’s problem anymore.

Dh and I have done all we can.

I think you’ve got a great outcome!! Well done to you all. Hopefully other parents will complain and the school will deal with bully but I doubt it given she’s only a few months left & not staying for 6th form.