Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

[Seniorschooldesperation]

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

If she is perceived as transgender and bullied or discriminated on the basis of that, then there could be a case. Equality law covers people who are discriminated against because they are perceived as having a particular characteristic, even if they haven't. Although, in this case it sounds like they know your daughter isn't trans but are presumably trying to mock her and make her feel she looks manly.

Does the transgender thing fall under the hate crime category?
Police are quite hot on that, aren't they?
Just sending support to OP's DD and family.
Doubtful you will get the resolution you want, but hope at least you can get clarity on exam situation - might be better to sit elsewhere then there is no danger of paths crossing at all.

Dd isn’t transgender - she’s just tall with an angular face - quirky - different. All the things we love about her really. Last year they circulated photos of her ridiculing her makeup this year it’s just the transgender thing.
Dd is mostly struggling with the why? What have I done? Why me? How can do many people collide with this bully and think I deserve it? Why are none of the adults helping me?

Best result try to get her to stand up to them because she will have it all her life trying to deal with difficult people. If not presently possible get her out of there. If you don't it's quite blatantly condoning their behaviour and teaching your child a lifelong lesson that it's okay to stay in a position where she feels, or (worse) is being made to feel inferior to others. She's young even if she mucks up her GCSE's she can recover. She can retake them next year. No one in adult life asks when you took your GCES's when it comes to a career. However if she remains in the situation the knock on effect will be catastrophic.

I agree linds

How utterly shocking - firstly the level of bullying and aggression from these awful girls - almost women let's face it - but mainly the fact that staff are witnessing this stuff and doing nothing. It's making me feel physically sick reading all this, so I think your DD must be incredibly strong to have endured it.
This school is absolutely failing. I know you don't want to out yourself hit it sounds to me like they're modelling themselves on the 'progressive' liberal model of letting kids self rule. Awful awful examples of high octane bullying here. I'm so sorry for your DD. MPW or similar is an excellent solution if you can. She'll hopefully forge some new friendships somewhere like that. And then a fresh start for 6th form.

She needs to seek this bully out amd catch her on her own and punch her face in, that's the only way to deal with a kid like that.

MPW can’t help - I contacted them yesterday.

Dh and I are still being kept on tender hooks on what the conclusion is of the investigation. The heads secretary will contact us today at some point to schedule a meeting where there will be a .....big reveal...,of all the reasons why they can’t do anything. Given that the bully was sending dd Snapchat’s at 9.30 last night from the dorm room laughing at dd - I suspect the bully is already aware that there is zero consequences for her.
So the meeting today will be a negotiation really- of what they will do to support dd in finishing her GCSEs while being at home.
Dd can’t go back in. She’s not safe. She’s actually videoing herself walking to the loos Because the bully is usually around there.

Salene

Dd would like that.
Unfortunately I suspect the bully would like that also.

Currently I’m awake all night indulging in revenge fantasies.

@Linds If you’re going to wade in giving OP a dressing down about “condoning” the bullies behaviour if she doesn’t do XYZ, then you bloody should’ve read the whole thread.

As for the advice for OP to teach her DD to stand up to the bullies because she’ll have it all her life, there’s a difference between standing up to ‘difficult’ people and asking anyone let alone a vulnerable 16yrold to stand up to a deranged individual and their throng of supporters at school. Most adults couldn’t do it. Your advice is not only hurtful because you have insinuated OP has/might be failing as a good mother but dangerous as well to suggest despite everything OP has written here, the solution is for the DD to go back in and stand up for herself.
Ridiculous advice.

I’m sure someone has said this already but you dd is at private school, I can’t believe you’re actually PAYING for your dd to be in such a toxic environment. If I were you I’d be demanding to know what the school are going do do about this.

I don’t think you should pull her out but the other girl must be kept under control until GCSEs are over. The bully really needs to be publicly shamed which I suppose is tricky as her parents are also paying. Perhaps that’s why this sort of thing is quite common in private school? Maybe the bully should be have a designated member of staff shadowing her at all times.

OP I'm not sure where you're based, but have you tried the other private colleges in London - there are a few - DLD, Collingwood, Albemarle, other pp may be able to suggest more. (Some in other cities as well - Birmingham, Manchester, Cambridge)
They might not be able to take her as a full-time student so close to the exams, but may be able to provide private tutors in some subjects. They also tend to run easter revision courses in some of the subjects. All more £££, I know.
So sorry - your dd must be so upset. I can't remember if you said if there's a plan for 6th form - was your dd intending to stay on or does she have somewhere else lined up?

You should also inform OFSTED about all this

We were initially hoping dd would stay at her current school for 6th form as the bully is leaving after GCSEs however now with the lack of support dd will be going to a state school for 6th form.
Today’s (hopefully today) meeting will be where we find out what the school are going to do to support dd completing her GCSEs.
We are demanding - the school is minimising the bully has absolutely no shame and is positively glowing with joy.

I went through exactly this at school with a bully that alienated my friends from me and made my life hell, it is one of my parent's big regrets that they didn't pull me out of school sooner. It massively effected my confidence and has given me anxiety that I haven't been able to get over in adulthood.
When I was taken out and put in a new school I was like a different child; popular, happy and my grades improved massively.

I would take her out as soon as you can, are there any other schools nearby that might take her on?

flap

I’m hoping to make an arrangement with the school for dd to still sit her exams with them - she’s completed the syllabus- they have clinics from 4 - 5.30 - I could take her in for those ( bully doesn’t attend) and just see if they’ll agree and offer anything else so she can finish and move on.

Sorry meant add

This is awful to read. I am so shocked that not one single child has tried to be a friend to your DD.

I think you are right to take her out. To be honest I think it's worth seeing if she wants to take her GCSEs this year or if she'd rather wait until next year once she feels more robust. No one cares when you took your GCSEs and I can imagine the sustained bullying must have also affected her learning as well.

In the meantime advise ISI and send a letter outlining every single element of the bullying, and how the school dealt with it. Do exactly the same to the Governors. Do this as a matter of urgency.

Do not pay the school another penny. They have breached their duty of care towards your DD.

I think you're making absolutely the right decision, what a horrible situation for you and your dd. Good luck and happier days ahead for your daughter.
Just to give you some hope when I moved to my new school I made such good friends that they are still best friends now 20+ years later. X

I would escalate it and involve the police your daughter is being harrased and I would do it today.

Nothing wrong with being incandescent. I would be too. And I would definitely be demanding a meeting with the head today and showing just how incandescent I was. Controlled, icily incandescent.

I mentioned up thread that my DS did his GCSEs at home with an invigilator. Paid for and supplied by the school. He wasn’t the only one. It’s not unusual.

I would also arrange home education, exams at current school, and let school know you will be seeking advice from police.

this bully is actively looking for opportunities and turns up wherever she can

I wouldn’t have your dd go anywhere near the school ever again.

Whilst the bully doesn’t attend the clinics it won’t stop her hanging around and shouting through the windows and doors and laying in wait for your dd.

Dd had a problem in primary with a really disturbed little girl. She would bring a knife to school and her fantasy was to watch someone die, this girl was 7)
There were 2 classes in the year group (30 pupils in each) and Dd was in a really nice class.

The other class we knew had problems and people were pulling their children out.

At the end of year 2 a girl from the other class was moved into dds class and immediately targeted Dd as her victim

By the end of year 2 I had pulled Dd out of that school as the HT at a meeting said their was nothing he could do as it was a community school for the community

By the end of year 4 the 30 pupils that were in dds class was reduced to 14.

They then took people from the other class and merged them to make the class sizes more even.

Still people were pulling children from the class.

Until at some point in year 5 the girl I heard on the grapevine actually left. Whether it was on her own accord or she was encouraged to do so I have no idea but by that time the damage had been done to the school and the secondary that this school fed into.
I think that if you had removed your dd 3 years ago this school would have got rid of this girl by now because without your dd there she would have found another victim and then another and another.

The school need to realise that without your dd there this girl hasn’t got a victim and they will be having another and maybe another lot of parents in having the same conversation before the end of the year.

How many more are they willing to lose from their 6th form because it isn’t just your dd the school is losing but also the future victims and potentially their friendship groups.

Does the HT and the other teachers think this will all go away if your dd leaves?

This is just the start of the problem and the next victims family might not be so publicity shy

oliversmammy

The problem here is dds bully has been at the school for approx 10 years and she has two older siblings who are both about to graduate 6th form.
The parents know lots of people from various year groups across the years. They are influential.
For example - dds bully is very popular and has a sports scholarship. She basically runs the year group and has coached the young people to miss lessons due to distress and call their parents immediately to complain if they are brought in to be interviewed and then she creates situations against my dd where everyone is around so they’ll all be interviewed - cue lots of parents phoning the school complaining.

Clever eh?

Seniorschooldesperation

I would be wondering who she bullied before your dd came along and who she will turn her attention to when your dd is no longer there unless it is just your dd who has made her turn into a psychotic stalker bitch

These things don’t just happen.