Terrible bullying- can I remove dd from her private school- right before her GCSEs?

[Seniorschooldesperation]

I’m currently desperate for advice.
Dd is 16 and has been at her current private school for 5 years. Throughout these 5 years dd has been the target of a group of bully girls in her year group. There was a very serious incident 3 years ago that resulted in the suspension of several girls and the expulsion of one.
The main antagonist has never been punished. This bully is very devious and clever and insatiable in her appetite for dd.
Recently the bully ( female also 16) has dramatically upped her behaviour. I believe the reasoning behind this is she’s leaving after GCSEs in June so she can do what she wants.
So this week this bully actually elbowed me in the back (yes a parent) and followed my husband and I around parents evening heckling us - apparently no one noticed this.
The bully has been asked to keep out of my dds house while an investigation takes place but consistently disobeys and shouts through the Window to other students and has entered twice in 2 days.
Currently such is this bully’s sphere of influence - no one talks to my dd anymore. Dad sits in her dorm at lunch and hides there alone at every opportunity (dd only boards on a Friday night but has a dorm). Dd is ridiculed and jeered at by said bully and all of dds ex friends who’re now the bullies friends. They block her from leaving lessons talk trash about her and recently along with writing on a wall saying dd is a man there was a photoshopped photo sent around to students saying dd is a transgender man.
The investigation concludes today. However the bully has been laughing uproariously at her friends who are being interviewed and she’s heavily involved in shaping the outcome. Which will be nothing.
Dd is currently calling me begging me to come and collect her.
What the hell do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

How awful for your DD. I'm a teacher and a HE parent.

I would speak to the school and ask them to keep her on roll so she can sit her exams there. You might need to continue to pay fees but if you deregister you'll have all the faff of finding somewhere to take exams and most are past their cut-off dates for entering this year anyway. Drop subjects she's not fussed about.
Then pull her out and have 'extended study leave'. The chances are she's covered most of the curriculum and if she keeps on top of revision she should be ok. The stress of being at school means she's not going to be concentrating anyway.
Once the exams are done I'd take the school to task.

Pull her out op. Her self esteem and mental health must be on the floor. Your poor poor dd this is horrendous.

I’ve written letters.
We’ve had meetings.
I’ve downloaded the anti bullying policy.

They rewrote the anti bullying policy three years ago when the first big incident happened because I held them accountable- they were trying to brush that under the carpet until I intervened.
Its probably one of the reasons why they hate dd so much and in turn my dh and me.

This bully elbowed me in the back When I went to collect dd from her house and constantly follows me and stares me out. Apart from the fact that it is seriously concerning how bold she is ? Who actually is interested in someone else’s mother when you’re 16? Let alone try to bully them too!

The amazing thing about all this is the deputy head has actually requested that the bully not go to dds house while the investigation is ongoing (it’s dds house - not the bully - she has her own house) but bully has been there everyday and several times a day since.
Completely not bothered. Apparently her parents told her she can do what she wants.

Go and get her. There's online schools she could use. Try myonlineschool. Give them a call. I'm sure they will be able to help.

hepsibar

You’ve made me cry a little - thank you

We have had a very similar situation OP.

DS was strangled,spat at,had video's unloaded online (the only thing the school took seriously). He was only 7 but would tell us he wanted to die and would hit himself in head on the way to school. We had no support from the school despite me begging them.

We pulled him out and now homeschool him. DD stayed in school, even when a boy pushed her off the top of the slide and she broke her wrist. Then when another boy punched her in the back of the head whilst in the lunch line. (She's 5) We decided enough was enough and now HE both. We have honestly never looked back.

I do think schools struggle to implement anti bullying policies,and hold no grudge against them.

bob
I’m sorry for your poor dc but glad they have great parents like you xx

Oh my god @BobLobLawLLB that is awful! I’m so glad they are out of it now.

OP, in that case I'd pull DD out of the school until half term. Tell the school that you want to know what they will be putting in place to actually prevent the bully going to DDs house as she clearly doesn't listen to instruction.

I'd be tempted to refuse to pay the last term's fees and tell them to sue you for the money through small claims court, where you will defend the case on the basis that they haven't met their obligation to take reasonable steps to keep DD safe.

I'd also write to ISI.

Your poor DD is being treated appallingly, I hope the school do recognise the issue once the investigation is over.
I think it’s worth speaking to the police for advice.

Can you look for good sixth form colleges right now ? I would take DD out right now if I were you .Also can you "rate " Schools online ? Give them a bad review .Also may be worth seeking legal advice .Im sorry you have had to deal with this ,sounds horrendous!

I'm incredibly cynical about boarding schools having worked in one but if what you say about the bully's parents having paid the fees in full 3 years ago I can almost guarantee she won't be booted out or they will have to refund some of the fees. If you pay termly and your daughter only boards one night a week then you're not worth as much to them. Plus if you voluntarily remove you daughter they don't have to refund you.

Like I said, I'm cynical but boarding schools are businesses and they're in it to make money

Money simply to put it that is why this hideous girl and her parents are allowed to get away with the bullying and aggressive behaviour.

I believe in Karma and one day this horrible girl and her family will get what they deserve in the mean while defiantly get your DD out of there and give her lots of hugs and kisses and tell her how amazing she is and not to let shallow low lives bring her down the best revenge your DD will get over her bullies is by doing her best at life and enjoying everything she does all the best Op for you and your DD

grandmaster
I believe the bullies family paid full fees 10 years ago for 3 siblings! They are all due to leave at the end of the school year.
I believe this is why the behaviour is escalating because really they’re not going to do something drastic to her at this late stage are they?

If a child is following another parent around, elbowing them in the back, heckling them and shouting through the window at their victim on a daily basis it comes across as quite weird.

This girl seems to have an obsession with your family which in itself is strange behaviour.

I know it is late in the day and she is leaving at the end of the school year but could you go down the route of being concerned that this girl isn’t mentally well.

It has got me wondering what this girl is going to do in the future without the only thing that seems to be keeping her going.

If when this girl leaves and wherever she goes doesn’t find some other family to fulfill her obsession don’t be surprised if you find her returning in the 6th form if your dd is planning to stay on.

TeenPlusTwenties has good advice.

She only needs to revise now. Please bring her home. As soon as possible. Today. She's been through enough.

I can’t believe the school arnt soo anything when it is so obvious what is happening. I would raise hell. Your poor daughter, the school sounds awful.

You need to provide the support that the school aren’t. Go and get her right now instead of posting here and tell her that you believe her and that it isn’t her fault. Deal with fees and governors and complaints and revision schedules once you’ve made her feel safe. Exams can be deferred.

I'd be strategic. Talk to school and say you think it best if she works from home because the effect on her mental health is likely to have her crashing and burning before GCSEs. Explain how serious, systematic and long-standing it is. Ask for work to be sent to her so she can keep up with any new material and revision notes. Also request that she lists her exams in a quiet space away from the bullies. I know this is technically possible (because a bully suspended from DC's school just before GCSEs was allowed to return to sit exams so long as he didn't encounter anyone he'd bullied including my DS. A school can make such provisions if they want to. Tell them you know it would involve extra invidulators (maybe offer to pay if you can?) but you expect the school to show significant effort has been made towards her wellbeing at this crucial stage in her life.

Are you looking for a new school for sixth form? A friend's daughter was bullied throughout her secondary and moved for sixth form. She was so scared it would happen again but it didn't and she made good friends and had a lovely time.

I do have some experience of this, I regret to say. Boarding houses can harbour of bullying children and schools do not see what’s in front of them. They absolutely will put money and “premier” parents ahead of mere mortals. These parents are often ones where generations have been to the school or DCs have special talents and thirdly where parents are sufficiently loaded to tap up for big donations. Their DC are more or less walking on water. Occasionally DC know this and push their behaviour to extremes in a show of brinkmanship. Schools rarely deal with them. Instead they wash their hands of what’s going on and are happy enough to let other DC leave.

My DD had lies told about her. She was investigated by the police. It was all based on lies. Did the bullying liar leave? Or get excluded? Of course not. Two of the three criteria for keeping DC were met! She was the most lying, manipulative and awful child I have ever come across but the school didn’t see that. DC who were framed by her were treated very badly.

We hung on for GCSEs. Our problems were in y10. Said bully ran away from school with a boy and couldn’t be found for 2 days. The school was agog! Everyone knew this DC was trouble so, by not dealing with it, the school ended up in real trouble. After the lies were exposed, the one pupil who was permanently excluded as a result of this debacle was reinstated but she didn’t come back.

So, as you can see, there can be dire circumstances with not tackling DC who bully and are manipulative liars. For everyone.

I would strongly suggest your DD doesn’t go near this girls house. She should surround herself with kinder people and I think you look to stay. Only if DC bully is dealt with though. No one will notice what’s happening at parents evening. Yes, you should have left earlier. I know I should have pulled DD earlier. However we had misplaced faith. A change of staff made a huge difference and I know the bully wouldn’t have been believed or even admitted to the school under the previous HT. Money and status spoke though.

Don’t stay for A levels. Your trust has gone. Other schools will be better snd friendly. You cannot “file charges”. It’s not the USA. We have the CPS and they decide. Not you! So negotiate safety for your DD. She won’t have finished teaching and learning. Don’t rush to leave without being absolutely certain she can complete the exams. She may well be compromising results by going elsewhere.

Op I have read this thread with horror. Your poor DD, I'm sorry if I seem critical but it's now time as her parents to step up and help her.
The school are doing nothing to help her. You are her only hope.
Get of MN and go and collect her, then contact the police and press charges against this bully. See a lawyer and sue the board of governors individually. Name names of teachers, go in guns blazing.
Maybe you might loose the fees you have paid but it's better to loose money than your DD, this bully knowing she is only there for a few more months could really hurt your DD. Keep her safe as the school are doing nothing.

God, take her out of there! Even if she repeats a year this type of hideous bullying just isn't worth the consequences. Poor DD I'm sorry you're all going through this

I’m so sad to read your DD’s story. However money talks. Tell the school that you expect a full repayment of fees until such time that your daughter is no longer being bullied. I’d ask for 3 years worth of fees. As the bullying started 3 years ago. Be harsh. Be firm. See if that gets you a result. I’m pretty sure it will. Good luck and please tell DD that bullies generally end up being nobodies. Big love to you and your family. 💓

I can't believe you've been paying £18,000 per school year for this level of inadequacy by this school.

If you could pull her out now and not pay for next term (due to the school's failure to protect your child) then you would be able to pay for a private tutor to finish off her course work and help with revision.

I'm not sure about exam entries and where she could take the exams but if it's going to be at that school I would definitely insist the bullies and her are kept completely separate. I think I'd be tempted to go with her to ensure she gets to the exam room each day without bullying from this child.

When you were elbowed and heckled at the school why didn't you stamp down on it right then? I would have very loudly told the bully to stop and would have reported it to senior staff immediately.

Thank you all for your advice - which is immeasurably helpful and for sharing your stories - it makes me feel less alone.

I’ve just had a call from the school who have advised me to collect dd. She’s had a very upsetting meeting with deputy head who asked dad what she wanted to happen.
Apparently he’ll email us tonight.
Not even a phone call