If your roommate at a boarding school is a bully...

[BullyingAtBoardingSchool]

DS is 12 and he is a weekly boarder. It was his choice and he was very happy until a boy from China joined the school in January and became his roommate.

DS told me the boy could be quite annoying but he wasn't a bad boy so they were 'OK'. He also said they sometimes clashed but they were working on their differences. He'd never badmouthed him and seemed to be genuinely trying to be on good terms with this boy.

However, when we had a parent meeting in February, literally every single teacher mentioned about the toxic relationship between them, some seemed very concerned or even apologetic. I was a bit surprised but thought they were over-reacting. DS didn't say they got on brilliantly, but he had other friends to play with anyway, so didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

However, near the end of the last term, DS got increasingly unhappy with this boy and requested to change the roommate for the next term. The housemaster previously told us half termly room change could happen when things weren't working well, and we actually saw some changes at a half term before. So asking for a room change for a new term wasn't an unreasonable request. The housemaster knew things were pretty bad between them and hinted his request would be accepted. But just before the school broke for Easter, DS was informed he had to stay with the boy for one more term. The reason for this was the headmaster believed it would be good for DS to gain more patience and resilience. DS was shocked as he expected his request would be approved, but he accepted and followed the instruction.

At the very beginning of this term, things didn't seem bad. DS actually said they were improving. However, this boy's attitude towards DS gradually became nasty and today DS told me he wouldn't cope with the situation any longer. The boy is incredibly selfish, wouldn't allow DS to use shared objects in the room, kicks, and steps on DS's belongings, swears at him day and night, badmouths his parents (us) - this particularly hurt DS, keeps saying mean things with lots of swearing when DS is trying to sleep, and more!! He can't relax when the boy is around. He also fears this boy may do something to his belongings when DS is out of the room, so has to keep going back to the room just to prevent this to happen. It's serious mental bullying to my eyes.

DS doesn't just cry away, so occasionally fights back or try to meet an agreement (most of the times he tries to ignore). But all these things are so draining for him that it's started affecting his ability to focus on study and other extracurricular activities.

I told DS I would email the school to make them act immediately. I would also request the room change after the second half, so only one more week to go, then a week off, then when he's back to school, the boy wouldn't be his roommate anymore. I also told him, if it becomes too much next week, I would come to pick him up and he would stay at home until the school sort this out. He seemed to be very relieved and went to sleep smiling.

This school is so proud of its anti-bullying policy and has a history to punish 'bullies' pretty harshly in the past. However, strangely, this boy doesn't get in any trouble, even though his general attitude is very poor and his bullying towards DS seems to be well known. DS said an older pupil told him that the boy's family is very wealthy and probably gave the school a huge amount of donation, so the headmaster wouldn't want to lose this boy. It's just a silly gossip, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's true... This boy has certainly totally different treatment from others.

I've just finished writing the email to the school. My son was very thankful when I offered to step in. However, am I too naive to expect the school takes our complaint seriously? We aren't wealthy. DS got significant financial help to pay for the fees. I know we aren't particularly attractive to the school financially. I'm worrying I may disappoint DS if I'm unsuccessful to make any significant change after I promised him everything would be fine.

I don't think many parents these days start off thinking they will send their child boarding. Many people (including myself) do so because their child suddenly runs out of local options or gets a place at a nusic/dance/academic school which they would thrive at.

We don't live in an ideal world and parents make all sorts of difficult choices. A good parent makes sure their children are happy and supported, rather than fixated on ideal scenarios.

Op glad it's all getting resolved.

And if I hear one more teacher say the word 'resilience' I will scream. Its the current buzz word and should not be used as an excuse for not safeguarding their pupils. Their have a duty of care which they are failing to meet.

This! Far too many schools are using it now as an excuse for doing nothing for vulnerable and disabled pupils. They don't seem to realise that a child needs support whilst learning resilience, and that being thrown into a difficult situation with no support at all will have the opposite effect. I always want to ask them whether they advocate teaching babies resilience by throwing them into the nearest river, because what they are doing is often the mental health equivalent.

I got told me son lacked resilience and gave up too easily.

3 months later he was diagnosed with severe receptive language disorder, meaning he didn't understand what the teacher was saying.

Apologies OP as this is straying from your post (& I hope this week has continued to be more promising!), if you don't mind me asking, those of you who have mentioned teachers using the word 'resilience', have your children all boarded? Not to say that this isn't a phrase used in the State or Day sector - it very well may be - but it's not one I ever heard any school use to justify the way they are dealing with bullying & I find it really appalling & surprising- BurnedToast what an unpleasant experience & one I hope has been sorted! It does call to mind the old Victorian mindset to boarding schools! This isn't a criticism of boarding by the way - just pure curiousity!

On another note re happygardenings comment ' if this is an examples of the sort of typical behaviour day parents exhibit when other parents don’t agree with them then I can chalk up another example of why boarding is a good idea'. I appreciate this post has seen some unpleasant comments but honestly, we're not a different breed! I'm much the same as my mother who made very different choices (independent Day & Boarding schools) for her children rather than State all the way (me!). My friendship group includes women who've chosen all options (boarding/independent day/state) & there's very little difference in behaviour terms between us! It's very easy to be opinionated on an internet forum in a way we wouldn't in real life & forget there is a real person reading what we read. In real life, the women I value & am closest too are confident with strongly held views that differ very much from mine quite often - I'm sure I'd loathe them on here! And on that note, BubblesBuddy, I'm quite sure I owe you an apology. A few of your comments I didn't agree with on a couple of posts but that doesn't really excuse me being narky & picking you up on small things in return.

SJane48S I’m not against opinionated but I loathe it when people sink to making personal unpleasant comments about those who won’t hold their hands up and say “your right and I’m wrong thank you for helping me to see what a selfish parent I’ve been and what a crap decisions I’ve made!” Or nasty snidey comment about children who’ve boarded. If I went around making nasty snidey remarks about children at day schools rightly most parents would be very indignant but if youre a child at boarding school these basic civilities don’t seem to apply.
I’m sure this is not an example of all parents with children in day schools but in my experience of posting on this subject for nearly 10 years the sort of behaviour above is sadly very common unless the same posters are name changing! The only positive is that when ever these debates occur I always receive PMs from others (many who say wont don’t post on the specific lbecause they don’t want to be personally attacked so aren’t joining in) supporting my position even those who’ve never stepped a foot inside in a boarding school.
I worked in the boarding sector for many years and I rarely heard the term “resilience” a term I personally hate. I also had another DS in the day sector and also see children at work in the day sector and I do sometimes hear the term resilience used. I don’t think it has to have negative connotations children do need to develop coping skills to cope with difficult situations as they will obviously need them as adults but this doesn’t mean that a child should be bullying I would hope that schools in both sectors day and boarding would agree with this.

As a parent of a day child as well as a boarder then you'll know then there is no atypical day parent behaviour but you are absolutely right, if similar comments were made about sending your child to a day State school as being a form of negligence & abuse, unpleasant comments would go on for many pages! Again, not a term I ever heard used in the State sector but if it's used by any type of school anywhere to justify their response to a long term bullying issue, that's godawful!

Just to clarify...

When the housemaster used the word 'resilience', bullying wasn't there yet. The boy was just unintentionally annoying. The housemaster certainly didn't mean that DS had to put up with bullying.

I won't add to all the comments about how to handle the situation (lots of good advice here, as well as the 'boarding school is cruel' comments that always find their way into these threads...) but I would like to say one thing.

You mention that this boy is perhaps a very attractive 'customer' as he is from a rich family, and that you are not. Are there many overseas boarders at this school? If so, I would reassure you that a British boarder (I'm assuming if you're weekly you/your son are likely to be British) is definitely a 'valued' customer... boarding schools have to be careful to balance the high numbers of overseas boarders, usually with EAL needs, with the far smaller numbers of British kids or native English-speakers. That's why so many schools offer weekly boarding, to get some locals in the houses rather than fill them up with various cliques of Chinese/Russian/other nationalities and languages. In my experience, the overseas boarders are often filthy rich (and a few have parents with very dubious approaches to school life and expect to buy a better dorm, grades etc!!!) but the British boarders are absolutely essential to maintaining a 'British' environment that will continue to attract a variety of overseas boarders. In order of preference, a school would generally want a majority of British/native English-speakers (either local or based overseas), then other 'minor' nationalities (whichever ones that school has very few of) and then the nationalities that they have high numbers of (generally Chinese, but varies from school to school).

Just a thought... you might be more valuable than you think! I worked in prep and senior boarding in the UK in the past decade and at one time was specifically targeted with increasing the number of British boarders.

The boy's unpleasant behaviour towards DS became intentional and aggressive only recently which wasn't ignored by housemaster. He intervened when he spotted and when DS reported however he probably wasn't aware of the seriousness. I was worried our request to change a room may be turned down as it was turned down before. However, he certainly recognised the difference this time so responded appropriately. I have nothing negative to say about him.

Thanks,Eledamorena. That's interesting to know. Yes, DS is British (though I am not and probably you can see that from my writing...).

Yes one DS went to a day school but not till yr 9 so So hardly knew any parents. IME parents of day children are often very judgemental about those who choose boarding, comments like “you don’t love your children then?” etc are very common and I’ve heard over the years on hear and to my face. In contrast boarding parents don’t comment on those who choose day school although it’s inevitable that there is some general snobbery amongst some parents of boarders especially at the big names.
Echoing what was said above as patents we make decisions based on what we want/need for our children at that particular moment in time. Circumstances change whether it location and local school choice , the desire for a specialist school or a broader more academic curriculum. Most parents think long and hard before making a choice carefully weighing up the pros and cons, there is no perfect answer but we look at the situation and say if I want X be that ballet or abroad academic curriculum music sport or maybe no commuting then I’ll have Ito go with Y because there are no other options. This may make you selfish and uncaring in the eyes of some but other people may see it as they are being selfish. To quote the famous poem
“Your children are not your children they are the sons and daughters of life”

Sorry posted too soon!
“Your children are not your children they are the sons and daughters of life longing for itself”
Sometimes we make decisions that although hard for us, is right for them and this may include the decision to choose a boarding school to get the sort of education you believe your child will get the most out of and thrive.
I have never said boarding is right for every child it is an alternative way of educating a child, even from just looking at some of the comments on here it is pretty clear that many love it. But some don’t they hate I accept that they find boarding life a struggle and so can most schools no school wants an unhappy child it’s bad for the child and bad for the other children. Over the years. I have also listened to unhappy children in boarding schools but sadly most have unhappy home lives many actually see boarding as an escape from these unhappy homes reluctant to go home for short holidays and exeats. At boarding there is consistency staff who care about your individual welfare who are non judgement who are happy to listen and try and meet your needs, you can be with your friends. a place away from fighting parents, parents with totally unreasonable expectations parents who let their children know that their child has repeatedly disappointed them because of the team he’s in or the grades that are never quite good enough or they failed to get into X and ended up at the less academic Y. Over the years unfortunately Ive know quite a few children who are happier at their boarding school than they are at home. I find this terribly sad of course as a parent of a child at boarding school we want them to be happy but not prefer school over home the words of the famous Philip Larkin poem then often spring to mind.

Conversely, I knew as a boarder quite a few unhappy children who couldn't wait to go home - but my boarding school was pretty awful & I appreciate times have changed since my day (I'm pretty old!). As you say, we all make hard decisions based on what is best for our child & they really aren't all ideal. My youngest DD is off to a high performing secondary in October after having won a musical place - this will involve an hour each way journey for a very unworldy & not desperately organised 11 year old. Being a parent often involves making hopeful decisions that we're doing right by our children!

Yup there will be unhappy children in a boarding school and there are unhappy children in day schools. Some hate boarding or maybe the particular boarding school they are at doesn’t suit them. I knew two boys who were very unhappy in the first year at their boarding school. Both left at the end of yr 9 on the advise of the school and went to day schools. One was so much happier the other lasted his day school a term and then came back to boarding, he discovered it wasn’t boarding he disliked but school in general, he decided that if he had to go to school (sadly he had no choice on that matter) he might as well benefit from the opportunities and broader curriculum offered at a boarding school.
So much is about the individual child and finding the right fit, if you’re boarding then finding the right fit is even more important.

I have read this and really feel for you OP. I think from your style that you are a poster whose child is incredibly talented and at a specialist school. There are often good reasons for boarding and the majority of people grow up well adjusted and with good relationships with their parents( I count myself amongst them!) My children are at day school as we are lucky to have good choices that suit them locally but I would not discount boarding school if I felt it was the right answer.

Well done OP. It is difficult to know when to escalate and how to be constructive. I think you were measured and understanding of the school and your son as well as the other boy.

People’s experiences of boarding school are different and I’m sure it was awful for some. BUT it is not everyone and plenty of people do have a good time. More important is the communication and relationship that parents have with the kids.

Here is the latest update for one week after my initial complaint.

The boy's behaviour has improved and he stopped certain things he always did intentionally or unintentionally such as shouting. Apparently, the housemaster shouted back to the boy and the boy rolled his eyes, then he asked how the boy felt being shouted and explained that's how my DS had been feeling. I don't know if that was the reason but anyway, DS said the boy didn't shout this week. It indicates that the boy can try to change or improve once he put himself in others' shoes. I'm not saying all he did was unintentional and he probably did plenty of awful stuff deliberately out of frustration or irritation as DS also fought back to him before. But as the boy started being less annoying so did DS to the boy. As a result, they had a much calmer week.

I saw them exchanging some words and said 'good-bye' to each other as we left the boarding house yesterday. We also met the boy's father and he appeared to be a decent man. I thought he was rude before but he wasn't. He was nice.

I think communication was the main factor in our case. There was a misunderstanding, a certain degree of prejudice, and basically a lack of proper communication between the boys, parents and the school. Once we got to know each other more and started seeing their side of the story it started unfolding many misconceptions built up between us.

I spoke to the housemaster again, and he explained to me how he had been handling the situation and the areas his team would need to continue working on. He also thanked me for trusting him to deal with the situation. We had good handshaking.

Obviously, everything hasn't suddenly turned perfect. It will never be. Many more ups and downs are expected. But DS is back to a happy go lucky chap and loving being at school again (he's actually sad that it's holiday now), and I have no complaint about the way the school handled once I informed my concerns. My trust in the school is back and am happy for DS to continue his education there.

Thank you so much for listening, sharing your experience and all the genuine advice. Happy holiday to everyone.