If your roommate at a boarding school is a bully...

[BullyingAtBoardingSchool]

DS is 12 and he is a weekly boarder. It was his choice and he was very happy until a boy from China joined the school in January and became his roommate.

DS told me the boy could be quite annoying but he wasn't a bad boy so they were 'OK'. He also said they sometimes clashed but they were working on their differences. He'd never badmouthed him and seemed to be genuinely trying to be on good terms with this boy.

However, when we had a parent meeting in February, literally every single teacher mentioned about the toxic relationship between them, some seemed very concerned or even apologetic. I was a bit surprised but thought they were over-reacting. DS didn't say they got on brilliantly, but he had other friends to play with anyway, so didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

However, near the end of the last term, DS got increasingly unhappy with this boy and requested to change the roommate for the next term. The housemaster previously told us half termly room change could happen when things weren't working well, and we actually saw some changes at a half term before. So asking for a room change for a new term wasn't an unreasonable request. The housemaster knew things were pretty bad between them and hinted his request would be accepted. But just before the school broke for Easter, DS was informed he had to stay with the boy for one more term. The reason for this was the headmaster believed it would be good for DS to gain more patience and resilience. DS was shocked as he expected his request would be approved, but he accepted and followed the instruction.

At the very beginning of this term, things didn't seem bad. DS actually said they were improving. However, this boy's attitude towards DS gradually became nasty and today DS told me he wouldn't cope with the situation any longer. The boy is incredibly selfish, wouldn't allow DS to use shared objects in the room, kicks, and steps on DS's belongings, swears at him day and night, badmouths his parents (us) - this particularly hurt DS, keeps saying mean things with lots of swearing when DS is trying to sleep, and more!! He can't relax when the boy is around. He also fears this boy may do something to his belongings when DS is out of the room, so has to keep going back to the room just to prevent this to happen. It's serious mental bullying to my eyes.

DS doesn't just cry away, so occasionally fights back or try to meet an agreement (most of the times he tries to ignore). But all these things are so draining for him that it's started affecting his ability to focus on study and other extracurricular activities.

I told DS I would email the school to make them act immediately. I would also request the room change after the second half, so only one more week to go, then a week off, then when he's back to school, the boy wouldn't be his roommate anymore. I also told him, if it becomes too much next week, I would come to pick him up and he would stay at home until the school sort this out. He seemed to be very relieved and went to sleep smiling.

This school is so proud of its anti-bullying policy and has a history to punish 'bullies' pretty harshly in the past. However, strangely, this boy doesn't get in any trouble, even though his general attitude is very poor and his bullying towards DS seems to be well known. DS said an older pupil told him that the boy's family is very wealthy and probably gave the school a huge amount of donation, so the headmaster wouldn't want to lose this boy. It's just a silly gossip, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's true... This boy has certainly totally different treatment from others.

I've just finished writing the email to the school. My son was very thankful when I offered to step in. However, am I too naive to expect the school takes our complaint seriously? We aren't wealthy. DS got significant financial help to pay for the fees. I know we aren't particularly attractive to the school financially. I'm worrying I may disappoint DS if I'm unsuccessful to make any significant change after I promised him everything would be fine.

The headmaster (not the housemaster) once said to DS (in front of me) that it's his responsibility to take care of this boy. The headmaster said that after praising DS how helpful and kind DS was to a boy who stayed at the school for a few nights as a guest... At the time I felt it was wrong to put so much weight on a 12 years old's shoulders and actually, DS himself is still fairly new to the school so he had been just about to find his own place.

I would give the school a chance and see how they respond before I am escalating my complaint - after all this is my first official complaint about the bullying. They may act swiftly and all the negative thoughts built up in my head may be just my imagination.

I have also worked out how to arrange the drop-offs and pick-ups for the next one week so DS can come home when he needs to or I may insist taking him home every night depending on their response and how quickly they decide to act. It's not sustainable for the long run so we wouldn't wish to stop boarding if DS stays at the school. So, if things won't get solved we may have no choice but remove him. But I wouldn't remove him quietly. That's the whole point of starting this thread and the fact that I am actively talking to others in real life.

Obviously, I have nothing negative to say about the school if it's dealt fairly and immediately.

@BullyingAtBoardingSchool as I suspected. They think your DS will tolerate this boy better than any other. I would also suspect that they knew this boy wears difficult before he was placed at the school.

Wow poor kid being sent to boarding school at such a young age. Bring him home and look after him instead of him being picked on and bullied away from home.

The OP said at the start of the thread that her son WANTED to go to boarding school. Boarding schools are actually a lot of fun! I also chose to go to one when my parents would have preferred me to go to a local day school. And I did have a happy home life....

She has also said she has local day schools in mind if she needs to pull him out of the boarding school.

Strawberrypancakes it reads more as though school runs to this school are tricky - coupled with the financial references it's clear he got a scholarship to a school which wouldn't have been an option otherwise and chose to go there rather ran a local school.

If he went to the local state school school runs wouldn't be tricky because you don't do school runs for 12 year olds, they get themselves to and from the local school.

That's why OP is saying that this school and boarding are a package, he can't be a day pupil long term at the current school, but she could withdraw him and send him to a local school.

Clearly from what she's said the OP's son was involved in the decision about which school and the boarding elements and still doesn't want to give up on the private school and go local.

@PrayingandHoping I very much doubt any child WANTS to go away to boarding school, away from his family and all his friends!

Strawberrypancakes, yes, you read this wrong. Why do you think it's the whole reason to send him away... The decision wasn't made lightly and of course there is a good reason why he goes to this school.

Our situation is pretty much as anothernotherone explained. Thanks for the clear explanation. I seem to be no good at it.

IronManisnotDead do you always struggle to imagine anyone has different feelings, wishes and emotions to you?

I asked to weekly board at school. My parents still took my siblings daily, but I preferred to be with my friends - who were at school - Monday to Friday rather than spend 2 hours a day travelling and only have annoying siblings to hang out with in the evening. My parents worked long hours anyway. I went home at weekends. It was very much what I wanted - I started after Christmas in year 7 (1st year as it was then) when I was 11.5. For me it was all positive.

However if I'd gone to the local state school instead of a private school 30 miles away I'd have had friends within walking distance and a shorter commute so probably would have felt different.

My kids go to the local state school.

@IronManisnotDead lol yes they do! I did 😂

Some children (I’m assuming this boys parents are overseas) do struggle with boarding and being unable to share space is one way it is expressed. The skill of the school is how they deal with his needs without it upsetting other DC. However, many schools do successful integrate overseas boarders but it can be bumpy at times. They are not learning in their first language and their needs are not necessarily being met either.

However, if there are single rooms available (so the boarding house isn’t full?) I cannot see why they cannot be separated. My DDs has rooms with 5-6 children in them at this age and difficult DC were in a minority and they did settle down in the end. I do know that our school had overseas DC that demanded a single room and had little intention of mixing but this wasn’t allowed to happen until 6th form. By then, the school desperately wanted their successes in getting into Imperial College, LSE and similar universities because of the destinations lists!

You are at a bit of a cross roads. Either they take your DS’s concerns and well being into account or they continue to, effectively, use him and then blame him. I don’t have a huge faith in schools acting in the interests of all pupils and I hope you now get a better resolution for your DS.

My DDs chose to board and I was just talking about it to DD1 yesterday. She said it was the best experience and she truly made wonderful friends. You do have to take a certain amount of “shit” though and whether this is tolerable or not depends on the well being of your DS. We moved DS 2 to another school due to the issues I referred to above. My DD and others were not of interest to the school. Sadly I know a previous SLT would not have sold out to money but when SLT changes or has a view that certain DC must be accommodated, it’s a disaster. After GCSEs, 28 pupils left from DD2s cohort. The ones who stayed numbered 24. 10 overseas pupils joined for 6th form but they lost excellent pupils and some were younger siblings of quite large extended families, all of whom had attended the school. They simply didn’t care.

Stay strong OP. You are doing the right thing in insisting your son is protected.

I qould seriously consider bringing him home every evening until it is resolved. Taxis to and from school if necessary.

Disagree with the first poster re boarding school being cruel.

I went and loved it, as did most of my friends and family.

OP I wish you luck. Your poor son x

The boy is from China, just arrived in the UK prior to join the school. The parents came with him so now live in the UK. The boarding house has single rooms but none of them are empty so if the school decides to separate the boy and DS or give the boy a single room, they have to swap borders around. This is one reason why I thought I would wait till the half term, to minimize any disturbance to other boarders.

I’m afraid you’ve lost me there OP! Allowing your son to be bullied to minimise the disturbance to others?! Your one and only job is to protect him. That’s it. You brought him into this world; now bloody well protect him from this bully! You can do more than you are (and you KNOW this), and you’re choosing not to in case it disturbs others. It doesn’t sound like you’re insisting ANYTHING to me.

God, get angry! Stop sending strongly worded emails and get out there and protect your son! Does this situation have to escalate for you to do something more proactive than text him daily and email the head? Good grief! This is your CHILD.
DO SOMETHING.

IronManisnotDead Really? I was at a mixed day and boarding and there were several children who chose to board despite not needing to.
In fact it wasn't uncommon for a child to start boarding and then parents move back into the area (due to a local employment which did fixed terms abroad) so the child didn't need to board any more. In all cases except one the child chose to continue boarding, in some cases despite the parents being quite against it when they came back.

I know someone who boarded from a very young age and she refers to her friends there as her sisters-they meet up now regularly despite having left now for over 60 years. And yes, she had a great relationship with her parents too.

In the choice between ‘disturbance to other boarders’ and ‘my child’s happiness and wellbeing’ I know which one should win every time.

It's not quite that simple though.
They decide to move the children around for one week before half term. They will try and minimise the disturbance, so you can be pretty sure it will be one child swapping either with the bully or OP's child.

It will be pretty obvious to the children that there is an issue to do that. Now it might be that the other children also have trouble with the bully, and they rally round about the Op's child and support him.
But it might not. Bully might tell the others that he's been moved because of Op's child. Child who's been moved from single room may resent it. Lots of potential situations which could leave the Op's child at risk of more nastiness.

You also don't know the situation for single rooms. Is it random?Special needs related? Do they get it as a reward (eg house captain)? Do parents request? Do they pay more? Is it considered a privilege-in which case the children may assume the person who's been asked to swap has done something wrong.
It may not be as simple as just telling a child they're swapping rooms. If nothing else, I'd imagine there would be a certain number of parents who would be indignant to find that their child had been changed from a single room to a double, especially if it's usually considered a privilege.

Op, I would make a fuss early this week. Make sure they're aware that him going back to share the room after half term is not an option. Point out that teachers have noticed the relationship between then, and you expect they to be acting accordingly. If you can manage to bring him home this week in the evenings, if he wants it, then I think it would be a good idea. You can also touch base with the housemaster when you pick him up to find out what's happening.

OP I’m also a boarding parent and believe boarding at the right school for the right child can be wonderful. My own dc absolutely loves it and begged to go with all his friends.
But I’m getting increasingly annoyed at your seemingly weak response!
You don’t seem to be doing a lot more than sending an email and your last post, as pointed as by Ziggie, was appalling. How big of you to be considerate of the other boarders whilst your own dc is being bullied in his room!.

I’ve gone storming into school for far much less than that, DS knows he only needs drop a text and I’m in there like a shot.
For goodness sake get down to the school and DEMAND to see the headmaster and leave with your DS. When they can assure you they have sorted accommodation to your satisfaction they can give you a call.
You’re going to have to make a decision if the worst comes what will you do? Yes it’s a shame they are funding him to go there but if mental health is at stake I’ll take the closest school anyday with private tutoring if needs must over any swanky school.

Allowing your son to be bullied to minimise the disturbance to others?!
As I mentioned earlier, I arranged to bring DS back home every night. We decided it would be sufficient for now to meet DS's needs to attend the school while minimising the contact with the boy. It's not sustainable so only a temporary solution till the half-term holiday. DS shouldn't share a room with this boy after the holiday. If the school refuses our request to separate them, then that'll be a totally different story but we don't know what they say at this point. Obviously, if we hadn't had any choice other than demanding to change the room on Monday we would have done so. However, it's my DS's wish also to wait until the half-term 'to minimise the disturbance to others'.

God, get angry!
I am angry. I just express my anger differently from yours.

Stop sending strongly worded emails and get out there and protect your son! Does this situation have to escalate for you to do something more proactive than text him daily and email the head?
I've just sent out the first official complaint and is waiting to hear from the school. This doesn't mean all I would do is sending an email and nothing else. Texting him daily is nothing to do with bullying - we always did and continue to do so, just to keep connected.

Good grief! This is your CHILD. DO SOMETHING.
I can't keep banging a wall. I need to communicate with the key people to sort things out. The first step was to send an official complaint, then arranged to take DS home every night if needed. My next action depends on the response from the school. I am not sitting and doing nothng.

It's not quite that simple though.
Witchend of course it is that simple. OP’s choice should be the wellbeing of her dc. The semantics of swapping rooms round is the schools Problem.

IGod, get angry!
I am angry. I just express my anger differently from yours.*

Clearly OP. I wish the absolute best for your son. I hope someone actually steps in and does something rather than flailing around uselessly, sending strongly worded letters and starting threads on Mumsnet. You have to be one of the most ineffective parents I’ve seen.

Why do you think I am not stepping in to protect my son? If I didn't care or had no intention to do anything to improve the situation, I wouldn't even bother to start this thread. I can't see any point of you throwing such words at me. Think before you write. Your words hurt a lot.

Your son is probably hurting a lot. Go and do something about it.

To everyone on here who’s posting anti-boarding school messages - you’re not being helpful!! And you’re being judgmental AND you’re wrong about boarding being psychologically damaging. She’s asking for advice about a bullying situation, not your unqualified opinion on boarding school. Boarding school isn’t for everyone, but for me it was amongst the happiest years of my childhood. I learned to be independent from a young age, made lifelong friends and also met the man who would later be my husband.

My advice is to the original poster is continue putting pressure on the school for your son to change dorm. In the meantime you should strongly encourage your son to stand up for himself. Whatever action that may entail is up to you and him. So have that discussion with your son and then put the school on notice that you’ve given your son permission to stand up for himself, as they’ve given you and he no other choice. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them, whatever the consequences.

When I was at boarding school in yr 7 a girl in year 10 started to pick on me - nasty comments mostly about my clothing and appearance but sometimes about my ethnic background. I got my own back when I was against her in netball by ‘accidentally’ elbowing her in the face. After that neither she nor anyone else ever picked on me again! And just for clarification this was a nice, ‘posh’ school, fighting or the like wasn’t the done thing at that school.

I’m sure plenty of people reading this will be mortified by my advice and by what I did, but I stand by it. That day I really felt like no-one would ever fuck with me again. And the best part was my parents said they’d back me 100%, because I was really worried I’d get detention or even suspended. My parents reassured me that if the school wanted to make a fuss about their kid defending herself then it’s not the right school for our family. I didn’t get into trouble in the end because the girl didn’t tell on me, she was clearly smart enough to know that what she did to me was far worse!