If your roommate at a boarding school is a bully...

[BullyingAtBoardingSchool]

DS is 12 and he is a weekly boarder. It was his choice and he was very happy until a boy from China joined the school in January and became his roommate.

DS told me the boy could be quite annoying but he wasn't a bad boy so they were 'OK'. He also said they sometimes clashed but they were working on their differences. He'd never badmouthed him and seemed to be genuinely trying to be on good terms with this boy.

However, when we had a parent meeting in February, literally every single teacher mentioned about the toxic relationship between them, some seemed very concerned or even apologetic. I was a bit surprised but thought they were over-reacting. DS didn't say they got on brilliantly, but he had other friends to play with anyway, so didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

However, near the end of the last term, DS got increasingly unhappy with this boy and requested to change the roommate for the next term. The housemaster previously told us half termly room change could happen when things weren't working well, and we actually saw some changes at a half term before. So asking for a room change for a new term wasn't an unreasonable request. The housemaster knew things were pretty bad between them and hinted his request would be accepted. But just before the school broke for Easter, DS was informed he had to stay with the boy for one more term. The reason for this was the headmaster believed it would be good for DS to gain more patience and resilience. DS was shocked as he expected his request would be approved, but he accepted and followed the instruction.

At the very beginning of this term, things didn't seem bad. DS actually said they were improving. However, this boy's attitude towards DS gradually became nasty and today DS told me he wouldn't cope with the situation any longer. The boy is incredibly selfish, wouldn't allow DS to use shared objects in the room, kicks, and steps on DS's belongings, swears at him day and night, badmouths his parents (us) - this particularly hurt DS, keeps saying mean things with lots of swearing when DS is trying to sleep, and more!! He can't relax when the boy is around. He also fears this boy may do something to his belongings when DS is out of the room, so has to keep going back to the room just to prevent this to happen. It's serious mental bullying to my eyes.

DS doesn't just cry away, so occasionally fights back or try to meet an agreement (most of the times he tries to ignore). But all these things are so draining for him that it's started affecting his ability to focus on study and other extracurricular activities.

I told DS I would email the school to make them act immediately. I would also request the room change after the second half, so only one more week to go, then a week off, then when he's back to school, the boy wouldn't be his roommate anymore. I also told him, if it becomes too much next week, I would come to pick him up and he would stay at home until the school sort this out. He seemed to be very relieved and went to sleep smiling.

This school is so proud of its anti-bullying policy and has a history to punish 'bullies' pretty harshly in the past. However, strangely, this boy doesn't get in any trouble, even though his general attitude is very poor and his bullying towards DS seems to be well known. DS said an older pupil told him that the boy's family is very wealthy and probably gave the school a huge amount of donation, so the headmaster wouldn't want to lose this boy. It's just a silly gossip, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's true... This boy has certainly totally different treatment from others.

I've just finished writing the email to the school. My son was very thankful when I offered to step in. However, am I too naive to expect the school takes our complaint seriously? We aren't wealthy. DS got significant financial help to pay for the fees. I know we aren't particularly attractive to the school financially. I'm worrying I may disappoint DS if I'm unsuccessful to make any significant change after I promised him everything would be fine.

Hi OP, fellow parent of weekly boarders here.

Firstly ignore the anti-Boarding brigade, they have no clue about modern boarding schools.

Secondly, I am shocked that your school has not intervened and dealt with this issue proactively.

I have a DS12 in Y7 and a DD16 in Y11 who have both been hoarding at the same school since they starting their Y7s.
I can tell you that their school would have jumped on this and managed it from the start.

In fact a similar but less serious situation in one of the other boarding houses was resolved by moving room allocations around, leaving the bully rooming alone so the problem was not just moved on to someone else. House status privileges were removed and said student is very closely monitored to ensure the behaviour has been stamped out.

I would be in the boarding house right now requesting a meeting with the house master/mistress and head of boarding to get this dealt with and seeking an apology for DS for the lack of action at the least.

As mine boarded I know it can be a tight-rope when dealing with school staff. DCs want to fit in. They don't like being moved around or the subject of a mummy intervention! What does your DC say about what his friends think? Does he have friends and support? Usually there is chat about a difficult child and, of course, this is why the situation has not been resolved. It is in the "too difficult" box because no one else wants this due to the double and single rooms arrangement. The new DS needs moving around in bigger dorms , but the school does not have them. However, all is not lost. I know schools do move DC around and someone (a friend) might give up their single room to room with DS. Is DS thinking who could help him out. In general though, single rooms at 12 is not the way to go and this situation would have been avoided by a traditional dorm set up. What you have does not foster joining in, a supportive ethos within the dorm group and DS's getting to know each other. As I said earlier, living with a few others tends to temper any excesses of the tiny minority. Of course some DC get their preferred room mates and others do not. That was always a constant problem for my DDs. The HMs have favourites and this can be divisive within the House. AsI said earlier, there is always crap and unfairness to deal with.

I do believe you are doing your best and being aggressive never gets you anywhere. Defending your position and advocating for your DS via the school policies and what the school publicly says it will do regarding bullying is the way forward.

GeorgiaTrotmansParachute: Out of interest, has a school ever apologised for mis-managing anything? I have never seen it!

I'm no fan of boarding schools, being a survivor of one myself, but I recognise they have changed a lot since my day.
But one thing doesn't seem to have changed quite enough -- and that is bullying.
It's so sad to read that your son who sounds like a lovely, caring boy, is deeply unhappy because of one individual when he should be, and was previously, really enjoying his life at school.
If you're actually taking him to school each day at the moment I would insist on seeing the house/headmaster in person as soon as possible , like immediately, and insist again at that meeting that they deal with the situation promptly, effectively and permanently.
And not just by ticking off the other lad -- that didn't work before and is highly unlikely to do so again.
Use whatever threats you have at your disposal and which you think will be effective. I hope you get it resolved very swiftly.

I agree with the PP (and also had the joyous experience of being bullied by girls I was sharing a room with) - go to the top and absolutely insist this is dealt with if you genuinely want to keep him at this school and feel it’s in his best interests to stay there. It’s a completely different experience being bullied at boarding school to any normal school - literally there is no escape. My parents didn’t listen to me & it took running away from the bloody place (along with a friend who was similarly being bullied) for them to understand how very unhappy I was. So make a bloody big fuss. If that doesn’t work, remove him. It’s that simple

I am not sure what threats the OP has. Other than walking away and, as she now cannot give one term's notice, that is another reason why they hold all the cards. She is also not paying full fees. Not having her DS there will actually save them money if he is replaced by a full fee paying DS. Sad to say that, but it is true. The only way is to negotiate with facts and policies.

The DC we knew who ran away was permanently excluded.

Well, nor do I know for certain what threats the OP might have at her disposal but it seems to me there are a few things she could point out to them (albeit nicely) -- for example is the school complying with its own policy on bullying and if it is not the governing body would be informed, unless of course the situation is resolved.
There are bigger guns that could be brought into play but I'd start there.

No child should have to get to the point of running away to show how extremely unhappy they are.Quite frankly it’s ridiculous. I hope the excluded DC benefitted from being moved to a school that suited them far far better. I know I did hugely from both an educational and emotional standpoint.

The thing that sticks out for me is that the teachers all know enough about this to be apologetic about it to you - almost guilty. Why didn’t they move fast enough to resolve this before it even got to this point. Where is the duty of care here?

My dd is in a private school I’m not very happy with, in fact I want to move her but dd adores it. So I get why your reluctant to pull him out. However your the adult here and I feel like your a bit disconnected with how serious this is. If the teachers where so apologetic I think they may know more than your dsis letting on. It must be horrible to have to sleep in the same room as him? Where does he go to escape? Come on OP wake up. I think you have an honest look at the reasons why your not insisting he stays at home till it’s sorted.

If this was my child I’d drive up there and park my back side in some ones office till this was sorted.

Emails dont really carry much weight but a mother on the edge about to combust does.

Also your mention of it not being easy to drop work to go and get him- even though you would, a bit disconnected too.

I think it’s time he came home.

@cottonwoolmouth absolutely agree. This isn’t being taken seriously enough.

If the school is behaving like this because ‘they hold all the cards’ because OP isn’t paying full fees; good grief, that’s even bloody WORSE! The message there in that case is ‘we’re only going to take action if you’re rich’. I don’t think I’d want my child at that kind of establishment. I’d rather take my chances in the state system than have my child experience not only bullying in his own safe space (this is in his own bedroom; his refuge from the world!) but to be treated like he’s not a priority because he’s poorer than the other kids? Hell to the NO.

I would drive him to school tomorrow then go and see the Head, get it sorted out immediately. If your son is put back with the bully even for one week I would take him home each evening and pursue a formal complaint.

I don’t have the selfish lifestyle where I just can’t take care of my own children myself”
Im genuinely curious what sort of lifestyle is a selfish lifestyle? I pretty sure I dont have one in fact the complete opposite I don’t wish to out myself but the general public (possibly erroneously but that’s another thread) would say I have a selfless lifestyle especially when it comes to work.
OP how big is this school and how many boarders. At DS2s school which was all full boarding decisions about dorms etc were made by the HM he would always be your first port of call for the vast majority of things both major and minor. I’m also not greatly in favour of going in anywhere with all guns blazing in the first instance. It happens to me all the time at work, people get angry and aggressive and it’s very hard not to become defensive, no one should be spoken to in an aggressive way when at work, two wrongs don’t make a right and it does damage relationships which is not desirable if you DS has another 5/6 years at this school. We could ring out HM at any time including holidays exeats etc and the relationship we had with him and sort of man he was; he really cared about the boys in his house, meant we could have a civilised discussion with him
About any concerns. DS’s HM (as our most) was exceedingly caring and would have been tried very hard to resolve the situation quickly, you need to firmly and clearly detail your concerns, but leave the guns out of it initially. I also think calling about major concerns is also better than emailing it’s more personal, your email doesn’t get lost amongst the ones asking about term dates for the 15th time, the cost of a taxi to the station and detailing the time and date of next staff meeting and God knows what other crap HMs regularly get. One HM I worked with got over 100 emails a day some from parents some from the school done from pupils some from prospective pupils parents, so call instead of email. Then follow up your phone call with an email, I said X, told you such and such was going on, you agreed to do Y by the end of the week etc. All the HMs Ive met and worked with over the years in boarding schools try very hard to accommodate parents and pupils. With regard to changing to a single room in many schools they are often only for older children again talk honestly to your HM and see what he says. I’ve never known a child’s parents pay for a single room but this maybe the sort of schools I’ve worked in.

OP however close you are to your son, however much you are sure he would tell you everything or whatever, it's often hard for a biddable child to imagine "breaking the rules" by doing something as fundamental as staying home from school. He might need you to decide for him that he is not to go back, or not allowed to stay another night in that twoer until it's resolved.

There was a thread recently about a Y6 DD who was suffering mental health difficulties but adamant she HAD to go in to do her SATS. Her parents made the call that she wouldn't, and it was then a huge relief to the DD. Your son has a lot of pressure on his shoulders to "survive" this. He may need you to call it for him.

I have to admit my response is emotional, and reflective of my own experience as a boarding scholar. But for what it's worth, I think you erring on the side of overreacting is the best thing for your son's emotional well-being. Don't just tell him he's important, show him.

That said it would seem completely disproportionate to have to withdraw a child permanently because of their roommate. Fingers crossed it doesn't come to that - surely they won't refuse to swap him if you insist. But until it's resolved, I think it's important to keep him out. Perhaps there's a lesson that you need to get angrier and start insisting quicker next time - it sounds like this has been going on far too long.

I have tried very hard to ignore and not rise the hysterical posts of the anti boarding brigade as I know it’s usually totally pointless entering into any kind of discussion but Strawberrypancake I’m more than happy to “share” why we choose boarding (although I have done so before on numerous occasions on here) if you are equally happy to read my experiences with an open mind and not assume that I’m a parent living a “selfish lifestyle”. You have no idea it’s so far from the truth that is it’s actually funny!
It never ceases to amaze me that some parents are so quick to criticise and judge the decisions and actions other parents make, over the years as a parent who often doesn’t do things the way others do things. I’ve been accused of a variety of things by “friends” who know me and lets give them the benefit of the doubt want to be helpful and claim to care. We have been told we’re are too eccentric, not controlling enough, not pushy enough, we do things too much our own way we’ve made our children different by not conforming to what many see as life’s norms, once a friend wrote to me and accused me of being a slack parent because Ive never owned or used flash cards or other “educational” toys and had no intention of sending DS2 to nursery, another even accused me of being too close to one of my DSs! But no one has ever accused me of living a “selfish lifestyle” or not looking after my children.
It seems to me that many parents don’t like it when your actions/decisions are different from the decisions/actions of the vast majority; and obviously only a tiny minority choose boarding.
If find it bizarre when friends criticise your parenting, but you Strawberrypancake who know nothing about me and my family take your own prejudices and beliefs and think it’s fine to accuse me of being selfish and not looking after my children. I find that highly offensive. Are you in any position to criticise my decisions or actions? I think not. The OP asked for advise I gave it I have loads of experience of boarding both as a parent and in a professional capacity I was trying to be helpful and supportive.
One thing boarding teaches children is tolerance;, and u Dee’s Tandy gets if others something that seems to be sorely missing from this thread.

Bloody hell spell check is bizarre! and u Dee”’s Tandy gets if others = understanding that we are not all the same

With apologies happygardening, your comment ‘the one thing boarding teaches children is tolerance’ did make me snort with laughter! What decisions you make re your children’s schooling is entirely your own concern, boarding wouldn’t be mine but really each to their own. I boarded, my sister boarded, various of my friends boarded and some board their own children so I’ve seen the next generation. Pupils at my school were largely children of very wealthy people & the aristocracy. While we might have developed tolerance of each other, we did feel ourselves to be superior to much of society in general. To some extent we learnt this partially from the staff in the myriad of rules on everything from the length of arm we could have on the table to the words we used etc etc. We were taught to judge. My sisters school was less snobbish but is very well known for its sportiness & anyone not of that bent didn’t experience a great deal of tolerance!
I appreciate anyone reading this and pro boarding might think that modern boarding is heaps different and not churning out over privileged little twats who have interesting ideas about their own place in society.. but I’d ask, are you sure?! I bet in a few of the big names there is still an element of that. The children I know who board (all at minor schools) are all great - they do have very very little experience though of mixing with children with backgrounds much poorer than their own on any regular basis. That’s not the best breeding ground for understanding our wider society.

Ignore the anti-boarding comments. They are irrelevant and it seems that your son is happy apart from having to share with this horrible boy. You need to insist on a meeting asap with the housemaster and head. They probably do not understand the severity of what is going on

happygardening I'm not anti boarding as I boarded myself and liked it, but your post is an exercise in attempting to justify yourself with hints about how wonderful you are and what a selfless gift to humanity your life is without actually giving any concrete reason. It's a long stream of evasive vaguely boasts self righteous waffle and is going to have the opposite impact to the one you intend.

I presume that you're a hospital doctor married to either another hospital doctor or someone who works away, or a single parent with a trust fund or in receipt of hefty maintenance payments why not just say so and explain how boarding allows you to deal with nights and being on call? It's hardly "outing" or unique and looks less ridiculous than the hints around why you use boarding school because you believe yourself to be selflessness personified.

• vague not vaguely

happygardening I also find the "selfish lifestyle" comment hilarious. I would have loved to have my son at home the whole time; but boarding school has been better for him. He has been (full) boarding since he was 8, has (with the exception of the first term and a bit of disruption with a change of housemaster in the sixth form) been very happy. I agree that boarding teaches tolerance and how to live in a community

As someone who boarded myself I really don't think boarding teaches tolerance, you're with such a narrow range of people.

There are parents who use boarding school to allow an exceptional child a chance to meet their potential, either academically or in a sport or art form, there are people who use it because they work in a difficult or unsafe country without good education or are in the military, or because they work all hours/ are on call/ travel a lot for work - not everyone who uses them for work reasons is selfless, and it's very subjective. There are also people who use them because it's a family tradition. There are people who use them because they'd rather piss about with horses all day than bother with their children...

It's not necessarily a selfish lifestyle choice to put your children in boarding school, but equally it very often is done because the parents have made career choices they might frame as being for the family but which are money or ambition driven and even in socially irresponsible industries, and people who are doing it for lifestyle reasons of one sort or another.