DD given a Prefect role on a 'probationary' basis - singled out for not complying with school rules, which is news to us

[hmcAsWas]

Parents evening a few weeks ago. All favourable - dd works hard in class is meeting expected targets etc. No negative feedback.

Pupils were recently asked to apply if they wanted a prefect role. All those who applied were given prefect roles - with dd and one of her friends held back and spoken to separately. They were both told that they were on probation for half a term and their prefect roles would only be made substantive if they could prove themselves. Apparently they are not complying with school rules.

DD was aghast - apparently she rolls up her skirt too high. She has been told about this by her form teacher and she rolls it back down again when asked and has been complying without being asked recently. She and every other girl who has been selected as Prefects all do this - including the head girl, and dd is adamant she is no worse than anyone else. DD has complained to me previously that her Form teacher does not like her (or her friend) and is harder on her (and her friend) than on her peers and does not appear to be consistent or fair minded. She has given me a couple of recent examples.

It seems that dd now has this sword of Damocles over her and is sure her role wont be made substantive when the half term is up because she thinks her Form teacher will be looking to find fault

What to do?

Oh fgs. Just tell her to concentrate on her gcses. Stop adding all this drama. They'll either make her a prefect or they won't. Honestly you need to stop blowing this out of proportion

Maybe the school don't think she'll be good enough as a prefect. Maybe the other girls are a better bet. It's really not the end of the world if so.

No I don't think there's been a conspiracy! Jesus wept! Talk about reading things into posts. I think - no I know - that there has been a recent decision to clamp down on this sort of thing (uniform rules) after a period of permissiveness and letting it slide. They've gone in tough and singled out two girls - and to those girls they feel they have been made an example of - and they have. It was a clumsy way to deal with it and picking the girl with anxiety with previous episodes of achool refusal related to that anxiety was spectacularly ill considered. Fortunately my dd has her appointment with her Child and adolescent psychologist this week and so can unpick some of this.

In hindsight think I should have posted in chat or parenting - probably would have got a more balanced response

Really some of you shouldn't be teachers

hmcAsWas:

Really shouldn't be teachers?

I am a good teacher. No fall guys in my classroom. But nor do I encourage students in their delusions of being singled out.

As a parent of another child with severe anxiety and a history of school refusal, I would say you can make a massive difference to her wellbeing just by the way you handle these things. Ime these dc need, even more than other teens, to be helped to see problems in terms of a positive challenge: otherwise the world simply becomes too overwhelming.

Even if you say all the right things, if what you are thinking is "this is so unfair, it's a serious problem that it's unfair", then your dd may well pick up on those vibes. If you are thinking "now how can I help her to see this positively", then that may give off a different signal, even on the outside. And if she can learn to think "what can I take from this" rather than "I am helpless in the face of injustice" then she may find it helps with her general anxiety.

Did you manage to speak to the Deputy Head and did she shed any light on why your dd had been singled out to be put on probation?

You should have sent your dd to a comp like I did. It's brill as there are always kids far worse behaved than your own so it makes your own kid look like a saint in comparison. (Just kidding!)

As a parent of another child with severe anxiety and a history of school refusal, I would say you can make a massive difference to her wellbeing just by the way you handle these things. Ime these dc need, even more than other teens, to be helped to see problems in terms of a positive challenge: otherwise the world simply becomes too overwhelming

Absolutely. The more I over thought things with my anxious dd the worse she got. Brisk positivity was the way to go.

Yeah I retract that comment - sorry, was feeling rattled

However, I think I have done quite well to remain cordial and even tempered for the first 7 pages!

Thank you for that cory - you make a good point.

Yes I did speak to Deputy Head. It was a constructive discussion. There are no other issues with dd according to her (so she isn't snide / a bully / have a cocky attitude or any of the other suggestions that posters were coming up with). She took on board some of my comments and I took on board hers. They would like dd to have the role substantively and she will if she addresses those two issues.

Dd willl move forward now positively (I hope) and will try to cultivate a better rapport with the Form teacher (as there is an issue there in my opinion)

Currently dd is obsessing that everyone thinks she is a 'bad kid' and some sort of hard ass rebel and feels acutely self conscious. Rest assured I am trying to persuade her that this is now yesterday's news and that everyone (but her) has moved on!

Poor thing. It does sound like she's taken it to heart. Hopefully the Camhs person can talk it through with her. It does sound likes she's putting too much pressure on herself. What was the other issue other than the skirt length crime if there were two issues?

Dd sits next to a boy in English who was sent to another school for a week for fighting in the local park, so i don't have to worry about her seeing herself as a hard ass rebel about her skirt length. (She said he's fine in English.)

You could tell her about the fighting boy to put things in perspective for her?

I will tell her TheColonel

The other issue was about staying outside during morning break. Got clarification from Deputy Head that they must all stay outside for the whole 15 minutes of morning break - fresh air being a good thing (which it is), but they are allowed in during lunch time as long as engaged in something productive (in the Art room for GCSE Art pupils, the library etc) and not loitering in corridors.

Dd and her friend duly stayed outside all morning break today - and again most of the other Y10 girls scuttled off inside ...which is why dd has such a beef about it! Still she is sucking it up. It is and remains unfair, but it according to many posters on this this thread dd and I should stop bleating about it [shrugs in a meh fashion]

It'll be worth it. When do they make the decision? She just needs to hang on til then.

Yes - she will hang on in there. The 'probation' period starts after the Easter holidays and runs for 5 weeks until half term. Thanks for the encouragement

Tell her to stop rolling her skirt up! Easy way to fix the most obvious problem.

If there's another incident where the form teacher singles her out while other students get away with it, get her to make a note of it what it is and let you know.

Op has not only told her dd but done a lovely diagram for her. (Although we all thought she was sending the diagram to the Deputy Head. )